ExH hiding something, serious rage.

[lisaloveslife]

My exh is in a relationship, denies it was an
Exit affair .i still don't know the truth. He has lied many times and I found out through a random person that he wad a woman in his life.
He was s thinking about dropping her name into conversation with kids and eventually them meeting her.
I agreed and said I would like to know who she is if she is going to be part of my children's life in the future .
He absolutely flew into a rage. It is hard to describe how vicious he was. He told me that she was none of
My business, that he forbade me to contact her, I needed to rein myself in, that he wouldn't be responsible for what he would do if I contacted her, that she has her own problems right now, that she is the only person he can talk to and that I am not allowed to sabotage that!
I told him that as he had lied to me and I still don't know the truth, I had hoped that she would tell me the truth. He swears that they met the weekend that we split and that she is a single parent to an older child.
His reaction was so thunderous and aggressive and threatening that he frightened me. He is not the man I married for sure . He is hiding something isn't he?

Realistically, what does it matter either way? You’ve split up with him and from the sound of him you’re well shot of him!

Yes.
He's possibly told her a shitload of lies about you - the whole "she's crazy" routine, or he's been having an affair for years, maybe the kid is even his, could be anything.

It doesn't matter if he lied or not (although he most probably did). He's your ex husband for a reason. Don't contact her, and don't ask him about her. You need to protect your own mental health and thinking about this really won't help you in the longer term - trust me, been there, done that!

What Vetti said. Hes hiding some shit he REALLY doesn't want either you, her or both to know. Let him rage on but he knows the truth will come out eventually.

Agree with PP. How is it going to help you to know whether he was seeing her before you split? If he was you're well rid, and if he wasn't you're still well rid by the sound of his attitude.

And even if you did contact her how do you know she'll tell the truth? Presumably he'll get his oar in with what to say first.

Move on.

I don’t think many people would want an ex interrogating their new partner. Because that is what it sounds like you want to do. If it was the other way round would you want it? I wouldn’t and if my ex went ahead anyway I would very annoyed.

Why are pursuing this, is it really so important to prove he may have lied about seeing someone when you split. What are you going to do with that information? Do your children need ongoing battles between the pair of you. Do you need battles in your life either.

No. I simply want to know the truth.
Is that unusual?

It’s not but why do you think she’d tell you the truth?

Because I feel that there is something major that ai don't know. Perhaps a baby on the way or child is his , maybe he told her we wereseparated for a long time and not living together( which we were for months after we separated) maybe I know her or have a friendship with her. I would like to know who she is. Is that unusual?

@lisaloveslife

You have another post here you've just posted about wanting to start a relationship with a work colleague.

The chances are your ex is a douchebag and was out flirting with other women the weekend after you split.It doesn't matter now,he's made his bed so to speak.If you're looking to start a new relationship with someone you need to get let go of the past.

I do understand that if she's going to be a part of your children's life you want to know something abut her, especially of they're young.

He swears that they met the weekend that we split
Yeah yeah.
He's a lying twat.
But you are already separated so it doesn't really matter.
I can totally understand wanting to know the truth but it won't actually make a jot of difference.
If she is going to be part of your DC lives then you should meet her.
But how long has it been since you split?

@popsydoodle4444 my other post has absolutely no relevance to this post so why address it ?
They are two entirely separate issues.
is it not ok to want to know the truth of why my ex acted so aggressively and nastily?
I am over him as a husband but I still would like to know exactly who is
Coming into my children's life and judging by his massive rage, if there is anything that I should know that would affect me or my family .

So, by the same token you’ll be telling him all about the guy you’re interested in dating?

You know he probably cheated. Does it matter?

Chances are there was some kind of deception involved and she is in the dark too. He doesn't want you to meet because either of you might say something to drop him in it. Just let him be. He's your ex. It doesn't really matter at this point.

I mean, he's definitely lying about something. But either way, you should certainly be able to know who she is, just for practical reasons if she's going to be around your kids.

Do you have anything formal in place in regards to custody and new partners? If not, it might be time to go through court, especially with him blowing up about it.

Why would I do that?
My ex is in a relationship of over a year and wants to start dropping her name into conversation with the intention of
Introducing her to my children.
Two entirely different situations.

@VettiyaIruken
Most likely this.

I'd remind him that of he threatened me like that again, in an aggressive manner the police would called, for a start.

It's not unusual to want to know OP but obviously he's a liar and obviously you don't know him as well as you thought you did, which is pretty common. Its ended so I would try to forget about it. You're no better off knowing and it's no longer really your business if she's expecting or what he's told her. He sounds like a dick so she's hardly done well if it was an affair. If you're also seeing other people too, would you appreciate him contacting that person with suspicions? Trying to find out about them. It is all unnecessary.

I would assume you'll find out who she is eventually regardless but would remind him the DC aren't going to be in the care of someone you have no details of so would seek to work out a proper custody arrangement if he is going to be an arsehole.

It's most likely he's told her you're crazy (the usual nonsense) of the relationship was an affair except she didn't know.

My ex gets really stressed if he thinks I'm going to pick up our shared DC at the agreed time and he's not home (because he's lazy and rubbish at time keeping) because he's so worried about his Gf talking to me. I know from mutual friends it's because he's told him I'm crazy, won't invite her to kids birthday party / school events because I hate her. All lies. Every year I say to dc would Gf like to come to the party with her kids and he declines. Even his mum told me she was surprised when his gf said something about how it's unfair my husband comes to parties and she doesn't because his mum knows full well I invite her

At the end of the day what your ex died on his time is his businesses there is no need for you to meet or know his gf and it's not worth the hassle.

I have completely accepted our marriage is over and am grateful not to be married to
Him anymore. I don't
Love him anymore and regret the years of putting up with his aggression and
Nastiness towards us and putting
My career
On hold for him. Accepting the relationship being over is not the issue. I accept that I should probably ignore him and
His outbursts but my senses tell me that there is something there that he believes will end his relationship if I speak with her. I'm now t interested in ruining anyone's relationship and have no real bitterness towards him as I am over him.However I would like to know why he just walked away as he did without a backward glance and
I want to know who is going to be involved with my children when they will not be with me . Is that really so bad?

At the end of the day what will it achieve? I get you want to know, but what will it change? He will still be your ex, she will still be his gf, and you will still have to co-parent together.
Yes, sometimes the 'not knowing' is worse than knowing, but also pick your battles. You will always have to co-parent with him, and while he is being a dick, if you contact the gf it will just make that worse.
As hard as it is just try and forget it, be thankful you don't have to put up with his shit anymore, and focus on your life and being happy.

I've been separated 4 1/2 years and divorced for 3.

The realisations and revelations of what ExH did don't stop shocking me but I've learned to distance myself from it all. It doesn't do any good to keep digging, there's no benefit to it and you'll only make yourself angry.

I hope you can move on and leave him firmly in your past too. The future will seem much brighter when you can.

It's not bad no to want to know but he doesn't have to tell you and you don't have any tights to know so if he's not willing to share there is no point letting it happen take your too much if your thoughts or emotions.

Do you plan on running your new boyfriends past him and letting him met them? It opens the door to allllll sorts of more issues from him.