ExH hiding something, serious rage.

[lisaloveslife]

My exh is in a relationship, denies it was an
Exit affair .i still don't know the truth. He has lied many times and I found out through a random person that he wad a woman in his life.
He was s thinking about dropping her name into conversation with kids and eventually them meeting her.
I agreed and said I would like to know who she is if she is going to be part of my children's life in the future .
He absolutely flew into a rage. It is hard to describe how vicious he was. He told me that she was none of
My business, that he forbade me to contact her, I needed to rein myself in, that he wouldn't be responsible for what he would do if I contacted her, that she has her own problems right now, that she is the only person he can talk to and that I am not allowed to sabotage that!
I told him that as he had lied to me and I still don't know the truth, I had hoped that she would tell me the truth. He swears that they met the weekend that we split and that she is a single parent to an older child.
His reaction was so thunderous and aggressive and threatening that he frightened me. He is not the man I married for sure . He is hiding something isn't he?

Thanks for replies. I don't have a boyfriend and we agreed in our separation agreement to keep New relationships private from the children for one year at least .
If I had a new relationship that lasted
More than a year and was seriousI would discuss my plans for introducing children to him as I expect that he also has a right to know who is in his children's life and the role he will play and be happy with that.

There’s really no point in encouraging anyone including the OP to believe they can stop a father or mother seeing their children because they have a girlfriend or boyfriend. It doesn’t matter if the other parent doesn’t know about it.

Ideally parents should be open and candid. But by the sounds of it this isn’t going to happen here. He may well have something to hide. But demanding this information isn’t going to work. It enraged him. There’s no route left for the OP. Demanding again won’t work.

I am sorry OP but he is an equal parent. The children are his family in just the same way as they are yours. He is entitled to make his own decisions about their welfare when they are with him. Just like you are.

You need to let this go. I know that sounds harsh because you are obviously very hurt. But what your ex does now that you have split, when he introduces his new gf and how your kids spend their time with him etc is really up to him. I have been split from my ex husband for 7 years. I have never met any of his girlfriends and he has never met any of mine. Yes, my DDs have been introduced very quickly to a few women but it's none of my business.

*Any of my boyfriends (that makes it sound like there are loads!)

Ok thank you for all the replies.
As a pp said, the truth will
Come out someday but I will
Leave well Enough alone for now. I appreciate your advice.

I'm sorry for you OP. Sounds like you've had a horrendous time. I think you need to work on being indifferent to him. Wanting to know/ meet tge gf means you're still invested (even if you dont want him back). As well as all the usual advice on being alone and happy with yourself I would encourage grey stone and knowing as little as piss about his life (and vice versa). I would also encourage a fling. (Or a something more serious, if youre ready and lycky enough to find it). It sounds like you would be ready for that? My fling was an absolute turning point. It jolted me into a different mindset. My ex was a total fuck. We have 2DCs so cant go NC. And I thought I'd be angry forever. But i dont really feel the tiniest, littlest shit these days (we split almost 2 years ago now). I know he has a gf and i really, honestly couldnt care less. Hope you get to that stage too.

little as poss, not piss!!

I would think that he got the rage because he has lied to her about all kinds of things as well and doesn't want her to meet you and find out that you're a nice normal person and not the monster he painted you out to be. Has also probably been dating her for ages and told her that you already split.
That is the ONLY reason for this kind of rage.
And exactly what my husband did when he suddenly left. A mutual friend told me he found out my ex had been seeing this bird in another county for around a year before he suddenly walked out - was shagging her as well and told her we'd been separated for much longer than we actually had.
She's the kind of woman who would have been horrified by that.

Your husband sounds like a dick btw and I agree with you. The children have been through immense upheaval with the divorce and the last thing they need is to meet the new love of his life every 5 minutes before they have even got used to the idea of their dad being gone.
Children need stability in their lives most of all but clearly your ex is much too selfish to care.

It's not this woman's responsibility to tell you anything about what your ex got up to – it's up to him, if he wants to, and a year down the line it's really none of your business. Let it go, be thankful you're shot of him, and concentrate on your own life.

Thank your lucky stars you are shot of him and that poor woman has taken him on. She will come to regret it but you know that.

What difference does knowing for sure make? It doesn't matter. You are only harming yourself on this mission to find out. It is simply over. You have your life and he has his. From a legal perspective, you don't have any right to know anything about her, even if she is meeting your children. You can't make demands. He has acted badly so you are well rid.

You say you wanted to contact because she is going to be in your children’s future

But clearly you want to contact to probe her as to when they got together

It’s not her responsibility to tell you (and now not you ex’s as he is your ex after all)

So you’re just going to have to accept you won’t find out and focus on the important stuff, your children

Has it been the agreed year op? I’m not getting the issue other than his anger?

For Christ sake contact her if you have her details if not then you have no choice but to wait. It really isn't that hard.

He lost his temper because he's a dick. He's hiding stuff probably but your never no the whole truth ever but if you want questions answered then ask.

For Christ sake contact her if you have her details

And say what exactly?

“Hi, I split up with your partner a year ago, was wondering, can you tell me when exactly you got together please?”

If anyone seriously thinks she’s not going to say the exact same thing as him, then they are off their heads. He will absolutely have aligned his story with her. And the current partner will be left thinking the op is unable to move on and has issues. Everything he said about her is true.

Much better to keep your dignity here. Or as they say, better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and prove it beyond all doubt.

Maybe she's pregnant

OP and her ex BOTH agreed not to introduce new partners before a year was up for the kids sake. Not to disrupt their lives etc however it seems he doesn't want this now as the love of his life is in the building.

He definitely seems to be hiding something. Sorry if I have missed it in the thread as I don't know how old your child is but does he not think your child will share the name of this woman and talk about her with you?! He can't keep her a secret forever...! Very bizarre behaviour.

OP and her ex BOTH agreed not to introduce new partners before a year was up for the kids sake. Not to disrupt their lives etc however it seems he doesn't want this now as the love of his life is in the building.

The year is up. What OP is after is an opportunity to interrogate the new woman to find out if she was seeing her husband before they split. What does it matter now. Time to move on.

I thought the year was up too.

Yes it is around the year mark .

lisa I can understand the urge to ask but she’d probably lie anyway.

If there is a secret it will come out eventually- it always does.

Fuck him

If he is capable of rage like that, then are you sure you actually want your children to spend any time with him?