Another MIL one. WWYD

[Izzwizzo]

Hi All

Posting for some advice and hopefully some perspective please as I'm beginning to annoy myself with my constant overthinking of our current situation. Apologies in advance for what is sure to be a long post!

MIL has always been slightly difficult (DH refers to her as a joy sucker!) No MH issues but she is generally fairly hard to please and does have a victim mentality at times. Aside from that we have always had a pretty ok relationship and although I wouldn't choose to spend weeks on end with her we did see/speak to her quite regularly

DD was born last year after 5 long years of trying and 4 rounds of IVF. Since her birth MIL has been almost totally disinterested in her. She's seen her less than a handful of times and shows no interest at all in her or her progress. I'm trying not to be too PFB about DD and totally understand that whilst she is our world she is not everyone else's. However I really wanted to make sure that DD had a good relationship with all of her grandparents so since her birth I've given updates via social media and family WhatsApp, organised days out, gone to MIL's, invited her to ours and sent pictures through the post.

We get zero response. If it's a get together in person MIL goes into another room and sits on her own until she's asked repeatedly to join the rest of the group. She never ever phones or messages, never asks about DD and reads but never responds on SM and doesn't acknowledge anything sent in the post. I find it very hurtful but again appreciate that I might be being very PFB about the lack of interest.

DD has 4 other grandparents (my parents and FIL and Step-MIL) who are all absolutely besotted as well as lots of aunts, uncles and cousins so she's not lacking in family and sees them all often.

All of this would be hurtful but not a massive issue if MIL has decided to go LC/NC but MIL has now started telling her extended family that she's being excluded and ignored and that we are keeping DD away from her. Both DH and I are now under pressure to "solve" this from the family although any contact to her from us is just ignored.

The latest drama is that MIL is apparently devastated that we are not seeing her on Mother's Day and it's a "kick in the teeth". We don't hear this from her, just second hand from other family members. We are spending this Mother's Day with my Mum because selfishly as it's my first Mother's Day I want to spend it how I would like to and also because we spent last Mother's Day with MIL and in the interests of fairness I always try to alternate occasions like this, Easter, Christmas etc.

I'm not confrontational at all but I am fairly straightforward and so if it was my Mum, I'd have a conversation about this but DH absolutely does not want to do so. I know he's hurt by his Mums lack of interest and so he feels it's better left and she can contact us if she wants to. I worry that this could cause a long rift as I can't see her changing

So WWYD? Would you carry on with contacting her as per the above and see if she responds in time, would you confront her and try to start again or would you leave her to contact us?

I'm aware that due to not getting any response from her I've stopped with the WhatsApp messages and posts recently as I look at my DD and my heart hurts for her and the lack of interest but equally I don't think it's fair if she ends up with no relationship with her Gran due to my lack of input.

Any practical advice or perspective welcome as I want to do the right thing but right now I really have no desire to see or speak to MIL and my biggest and probably most irrational fear is that I'll force a relationship between MIL and DD which if she goes LC/NC with us again in years to come DD might think that it's something that she has done and I'll do anything to protect her from that.

Wow massive congratulations on the long awaited arrival of your beautiful DD.

You are not being PFB - and even if you were - go for it! You know this by how all of the other family members respond.

Yes she is a joy sucker - so don’t let her suck even a droplet of that precious joy you have earned through years of blood, sweat and tears.

She has form. She is sulking. She is difficult.
Everyone knows what’s she’s like.
She has engineered this situation to get attention.

Give it to her - loud and clear for everyone to see and hear - sunlight is the best disinfectant.

She sounds like a Narc and has sent in the flying monkeys to shit stir.

I would get your DH to set up a group WA including her and drop them all a message to tell them all how she has behaved to date. It would say that after your long trauma there is no time or space for attention seeking joy suckers so she can get on board or stay where she is!

Enjoy your 1st Mother’s Day with people who will cherish and smother you all with love......keep surrounding yourself and your DD with these types and cut out the toxics.

Your MIL will NEVER change - don’t waste a precious moment or allow any negative feelings to grow as this is wasted emotionally and could be spent positively with your DD.

Congrats again

Why don’t you do one big WhatsApp group for all of DH’s family (exc FIL and stepMIL) so they can see you message and that she doesn’t respond? Other than than, I really wouldn’t bother anymore. I doubt she will change and it’ll just make things much more stressful for you.

She's spat her dummy out because she's not centre of attention. I'm surprised she isn't faking illnesses yet, mine does...

I think you’ve waited too long to waste time worrying about an adult behaving like a child. If you really want to show the family, screen shot the messages you’ve sent that have been ignored and send them over.

Personally I’d just say ‘you’re welcome whenever’ and leave it at that. Enjoy your baby. Sod her.

I would just do a DH family wide group and keep it updated.

Kill her with kindness if the PA type.

Do not waste your emotional energy worrying about MIL or wider family leave it to DH to deal with or not. MIL is likely a narc.

You sound fab!!

I agree with pp, do a family whatsapp group and put everything on there. Your mil's behaviour will then be clear for all to see.

Thank you all, it's great to hear that I'm not doing all the wrong things with regards to contact/updates

We do have two family WhatsApp groups one with MIL and a separate one with FIL and Step-MIL (definitely not planning to combine those two groups!!) so all the family members can see that she reads the messages and doesn't respond

The issue is that she has form and all of the family are aware that she lies, so she tells them that she phones and we don't respond (she does not) which they know to be untrue but she's started to tell her other grandchildren this and that we don't want to see them either which has massively pissed me off as we get on so well with our nieces and nephews

DH's family would prefer to have group meet ups with her and pretend all is ok. I'd go along with that happily if it keeps the peace but if we have legitimate other plans such as Mother's Day then it all kicks off if we can't attend and apparently there is not a single other date in March other than Mother's Day that she could see us on despite being retired.

It's just wearing and I'm so tired of all the drama, I just want to enjoy time with my DD before my mat leave ends but I've been giving this far too much headspace

P.S Thanks for the congratulations as well. It was a hideous time trying to conceive but it's all worth it now and we're head over heels with our DD

OP this is your DH problem not yours.

Just let him manage the relationship from now on, make yourself open to meet ups and family events but don't bend over backwards.

Gutterton nailed it.. You sound like a lovely person, perhaps too nice to be able to stick up for yourself. Why waste time and energy on MIL when you already know it will not improve the situation? Mil is a malcontent and whatever you do will not be enough and will not make her happy. It is a very sad situation, but of her own making. Follow the advice here re the WA group, then spend your valuable time and energy looking after your daughter and your family group. MIL knows your phone no and your address, if she wishes she can contact you, but obviously will not. Concentrate on your family and let her sulk. After a period of no contact she may realise that her behaviour is not getting her anywhere and she may come round, or not. Either way you cannot change her. Congratulations on your little one, and best wishes. Do not waste any more emotional energy on her.

I wouldn't waste one second of emotional energy on that woman. She's a miserable shit who can't handle being the centre of attention. I wouldn't visit, I wouldn't call, I wouldn't do a single thing to cater to her. Let your husband deal with her and focus on your lovely baby and the wonderful relationships you do have.

*NOT being

I'd leave her to stew. And don't worry about mother's day - she's not your mother. Guess your husband can see her if he likes. Your daughter won't be missing out.

I'd tell her that Mother's Day is for those who Mother....

You can not change this woman, so don’t waste time trying. They know she lies so it’s up to them if they believe her over you.

Your H needs to call out his mother and make it clear that he will defend her lies with the truth.

@Gutterton I've come across you on a few posts and you really do give fabulous advice!
I agree with PP, just leave her to play the victim and enjoy your DD.
Don't give in to her, don't pander to her.
If she goes and sits in a different room when you visit. Then don't stay. Have a coffee and then say right we are going now.
She is not a child she is a grown arse women and she needs to act like one.
If she doesn't- more fool her!

Each time a family member says something about how you’re not doing x y and z tell them they are wrong. You say they already know what she’s like, so remind them.

Ignore her. She is a jealous prat. I'd bet that if the step mil wasn't involved she would be constantly in your house. Not sure which is worse in that case... Maybe be thankful for step mil?

Ignore her and the family when they whine. They might be happy coddling her like a child, but don't join in. She is an idiot.

Congratulations!

Agree 100% with @Gutterton & leave dh to sort her from now on. He could probably do with a few counselling sessions to offload some guilt around her

If your DDs other grandparents are nice concentrate your efforts on them and not his narcissistic mother. It is really not possible to have a relationship with someone like this so do not even bother further.

Your child as well needs emotionally healthy role models in her life and your DHs mother does not fit the bill. Even he calls her a "joy sucker" and she is.

You all need to stay well away from his mother. Its not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way (her family of origin did that). And I would certainly not collude further with his family (her flying monkeys) by at all pretending that all is ok either re her because it is not.

Thanks all, I'm going to take all your advice, take a step back and just let my DH deal with it. If that means we are NC for a while then so be it.

I think I'm mostly frustrated with the pressure to solve it from DH's siblings and it's because I suspect that it's not just because they want everyone to be happy.

As MIL can be difficult to deal with, time with her has previously been shared out between her children. As my DH has taken a step back the pressure from his siblings is to re-engage and spend time with her otherwise they will have to and they don't want to

I can see their point but it just makes me cross that no-one will call her out on her behaviour and so she continues to behave exactly how she wishes

It sounds to me as though she maybe has depression or some other MH problem. You are doing all you can, let her son deal with her.

Have no contact whatsoever with his mother, she is not worth any more of your precious time and effort here.

Work on your own boundaries more here with regards to these people; what is and is not acceptable to you here.

Her flying monkeys (i.e the well meaning but all too easily manipulated) sent in by her to do her bidding for her are not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion should be ignored by you as well. These people are certainly not acting in your interest either; only their own.

Re your comment:-
" As my DH has taken a step back the pressure from his siblings is to re-engage and spend time with her otherwise they will have to and they don't want to"

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.
His siblings have a choice too. They do not have to spend any time with her if they do not want to but they choose to do so anyway. They probably still seek her approval or want to be and or remain favoured (she may well use the threat of disinheritance to further wield power).
You likely come from an emotionally healthy family, your DH was clearly not so lucky here and his family of origin are very dysfunctional. You would do yourself and your child a huge service here by not having any part in it.

Totally agree with all the above. I'd want to tackle her lying though. Have a look over the last few months and count how many times you've messaged her / called her etc versus how many times she has. The facts don't lie! And when you next see her, preferably in front of an audience I'd say 'oh MIL, xx mentioned that you hasn't heard from us. I double checked and we've messaged you 20 times and called you 10 times over the last month. You only responded twice.' Leave an uncomfortable silence ....

Then say in a jokey / passive aggressive way 'well we'd better check your phone is working properly, we wouldn't like people to think you are telling porkies! Or maybe you're getting confused, maybe worth seeing your GP?'

Then each time she lies too can joke about it - 'here come Grandma's porkies'

Don't give her extra attention. If she goes into another room, leave her there.

No re depression or some other MH issue; she is far more likely to have some form of untreated - and untreatable - personality disorder. Whatever the root cause it is no reflection on you as a person, its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Have a read too of the "out of the FOG" website; this may be of some help to you also.