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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think my hubby is up to no good (dating sites??)

55 replies

Mumo2020 · 03/03/2020 18:20

No idea how to approach this so looking for some advice. During a very happy time in our marriage I smelt a rat and did some searching and found he had a 'looking for fun' profile on a dating site :( I confronted him and WW3 kicked off - he smashed up my laptop then said the 'lads at work' made it for a laugh, didn't believe this and the profile disappeared and he swore he would never let his mates do it again eye roll This was a good 10 years ago.
Since then I have avoided any looking at his phone etc as I don't think I could handle it if I found something. We now have 4 children and life has been good, however, I just started a full time job and I know he is struggling with this change.
Tonight his phone was flashing & he was outside so I pressed a button to light it up and it was passcode locked, as (Iphone and no idea how they work) I swiped to the left and there appeared to be some 'frequently used apps' in there was Tinder and plenty of fish.
I genuinely have no idea how to approach this. I did make up some profiles to try and 'find' him with no luck so maybe he isn't active? I have no idea. Previously when I have mentioned such apps he has sniggered about how desperate they are?
He will deny/delete I am sure. I want to get to the bottom/crux of any issue???
We rely on each other for childcare and if he storms out I can't go to work :( SIlly but true. I have no family support and few friends :/
No one to talk it through with :(

OP posts:
moonsnake · 03/03/2020 22:26

As someone else pointed out both apps allow you to hide your profile. That's what he'll be doing. Pof allows you to hide profile but still message. On tinder he is more than likely swiping and then hiding once's he's found a few potentials.

You have the proof you need, you know in your heart what's going on, don't bury your head in the sand again.

I hope you're ok.

Nofoolfornoone · 03/03/2020 22:32

I have been exactly where you are. My advice is to gather evidence before saying anything. It doesn’t change what you already know but this is a long and messy road and he will pull at your emotional side with manipulation and trying to deny it and blame you/his mates/the internet/Donald trump.

Knowledge is power and will help to keep you strong.

Big hugs to you. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to for some hugs and support while you gather evidence and seek legal advice? Do all of that before approaching him. You know it’s over but now you need to look out for you and make sure you are in a good position.

magoria · 04/03/2020 07:33

He has been on these sites for over 10 years. You know this. You decided to ignore it and stay with him.

Get an STI check up!

Mary1935 · 04/03/2020 07:44

Yes I agree Magoria. He shut you up years ago - bastard.
I go for an STI check - sorry you are going through this.
Why don’t you have any real life support at all?

cakecakecheese · 04/03/2020 12:16

I suppose you could catfish him, get a mate to message him on the apps, or do a fake profile yourself, arrange to meet and you turn up. But really you know what he's been doing and he's never going to stop so get sorted and get out.

nowayhose · 04/03/2020 12:25

You already have your proof.

You just need to decide if you're going to stay with a cheating bastard with a wandering pr**k, ........or tell him you're done with the whole' head in the sand' way of dealing with his continued cheating.......

Musti · 04/03/2020 13:18

He may not have his picture up. I see a few profiles with no pictures or pics of objects saying married but looking for fun or in a sexless marriage etc. I also was chatting to a doctor and when we arranged to meet he told me things were complicated - he was married but lived in london but did consultancy work in yorkshire twice a week.

fibeee · 04/03/2020 15:27

I agree with the poster above I would also have a close look at all the torso and more anonymous pictures you can find on the sites too. When I was online dating I used to avoid them like the plague because I just assumed all the guys were already in relationships and didn’t want to show their faces.

DesertRoza · 04/03/2020 23:50

Hi Mumo2020! I'm sorry that you're going through this issue again in your marriage. IMO, I agree with many others here, that if he has the apps on his phone, he's most likely engaging them. Otherwise there'd be no reason to have them. But of course, I cannot be sure. In any event, if you really love your husband, and want to have trust in your marriage, have you thought about marriage counseling? I mean, there is a reason why he is involving himself on these dating sites, and if you are invested in your relationship then the reasons for him doing this needs to be brought out. Otherwise, you'll still be wondering if you can trust him, avoiding the subject, and causing yourself worry and anxiety. If counseling isn't an option; do either of you have a trusted friend or family member that could be objective and possibly mediate for you? How about a pastor's help?

I really hope you are able to get this issue solved. Feel free to pm me any time; I'm here to listen and help if I can.

Original poster
Mumo2020 · 05/03/2020 18:23

Hello everyone, sorry for the late update!
I demanded he unlock his phone..... went straight into the tinder app and brought up his profile & messages in front of him. There were conversations but no evidence of meetings with women or sex (not that that really makes it any better!).
He states it was to people watch and see how far women are willing to go in terms of messages/meeting up. swears he never met up with anyone and states it was boredom and he never intended to do anything.
I rang my GP and got an emergency STI app BUT then came in my period so delayed that for a week.
I have spoken to my Mum, we are not really close but she has been really great.
I don;t want to act in haste and end my marriage but I suspect all trust is gone now and I doubt I can ever relax/trust.move on.
If it was a complete freak one off maybe but with all the messaging apps etc I just think it runs far deeper.
Thanks for all your honest replies I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
fibeee · 05/03/2020 18:44

You have my sympathy OP Flowers

It’s terrible that he couldn’t just own up and tell you the truth. Who goes on Tinder to people watch?!

You are doing the right thing getting yourself checked out and reaching out to others for support.

Wishing you all the best.

puds11 · 05/03/2020 18:48

Having a profile is as bad as going through with it. It shows intent, regardless of the bullshit he feeds you. He’s proven he’s dishonest already, I don’t really know what more reason you need.

SouthernComforts · 05/03/2020 18:53

You say you haven't checked his phone for 10 years, because you were worried what you would find (so you knew deep down) but now you have. What changed? Has he done something else (worse?) that has made you want to look for proof as a way out now?

whatnow40 · 05/03/2020 18:59

Is there a chance you can't find him in searches because he is on the sites looking for men? Plenty of men are bi or bi curious but don't admit it to themselves or their female partner for a long time. They often end up experimenting with TVs. Just in my experience of being part of the Swingers community.

mamato3lads · 05/03/2020 19:04

Fucking hell @Mumo2020

That phone would have been shoved firmly where the sun does not shine had that been my DH. People watching is about as far fetched as I've heard for an excuse. Does he think you're completely thick?

That would be marriage ending for me. Appalling behaviour, lies and god knows what else to be honest. My heart goes out to you. I hope you leave the sneaky cheating bastard, I really do.

TorkTorkBam · 05/03/2020 19:08

There is a brilliant website for your situation. Read through the articles and post questions. Here is a starting point.

httpss://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Original poster
Mumo2020 · 05/03/2020 19:08

I did find a profile in the end.
@SouthernComforts He was just spending more and more time on his phone which rang some alarm bells tbh.
I think before you walk a away from 15 years together 4 children and 12 years of marriage concrete solid evidence something had happened would be absolute reason for me walking away immediately and tbh would make it easier.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 05/03/2020 19:15

What ridiculous lies he tells. Does he actually think you’re stupid enough to believe that nonsense?

I’m sorry he’s a lying cheating arsehole.

EoinMcLovesCakeJumper · 05/03/2020 19:20

As somebody who has used dating apps in the past, I would be pulling him up on the fact that he's been messing other women around by messaging them without any intention of meeting up - if you believe that really is all he's done. It's such a shitty way to treat people, and exposes some really unpleasant ideas about women too. He wanted to see how far they'd go because why? Does he think that women who are on dating apps shouldn't be going on dates? Does he think they're dirty or something?That's before you even start thinking about whether he's telling you the truth or not, which I sincerely doubt.

PinkFluff2 · 05/03/2020 19:59

Why are you waiting around for him to do something physical before you get rid of him? He has zero respect for you and would be carrying on if you hadn't found out. It's still being unfaithful. He has been speaking to other women pretending to be a single man, that's not okay.

AnyFucker · 05/03/2020 20:02

You are staying with this sleazy fucker ? Confused

My2catsarefab · 05/03/2020 20:27

Speaking from experience here of being treated the same way - it won't just be Tinder he's been on. And "people watching" ??? Even my sleazy exH who was messaging anyone female with a pulse didn't even use that excuse.

His INTENT is right there. Protect your self esteem and mental health by making plans to get out of this relationship. Yes it will be hard at first but further down the line you'll be so glad you did. You and your children deserve so much better.

tobee · 05/03/2020 20:30

An innocent person doesn't smash up a laptop in these circumstances.

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 05/03/2020 22:19

This is the second time you've caught him doing something like this.... you let this go and you're giving him the green light to do it again, and again, and again, and again - you get the picture.

ShesCurly · 05/03/2020 22:34

If he wants to do some people watching he should set up camp in a Starbucks or something. Not sleaze over girls and lead them on thankfully as they are dodging a bullet with mind numbing tinder chat that leads nowhere.

All it has achieved is risking his relationship and making you feel shit.

He surely can't think it was worth losing you over, which means he just knew that if you found out he wouldn't lose you.

Don't you want to prove him wrong and end it? He sounds insufferably cocky and really isn't the catch he seems to think he is.

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