Feel like we're drifting apart... DP working away

[Doyoumindifislytherin]

Background. Been together 2 years, both have children from previous relationships and no plans to have DC together.
We "half' live together as DP works away 4 days in the week and is home 3 days at the weekend. We have a great relationship. He's my best friend and We do everything together as a couple/family and really make the most of the time that we do have together, but I can't help this feeling that we are drifting apart.
His work life is full on, nights out every night with the lads, meals out as staying in hotels so no facilities to cook etc, always having a laugh with his mates where I'm just stuck at home, running the house and looking after my children.
I'm finding it increasingly hard. Feel like I have nothing to talk about in the week when he calls There is only so many conversations I can have about what tv show i'm going to watch or what I'm cooking for tea that night. I feel like im losing myself and I've just became this boring person with nothing to say.
I'm also really starting to resent the status quo as it feels like I'm left with the humdrum of day to day life and the pressures that brings on my own.
How do I fight this feeling of just waiting around for him?
I only get 1 night in the week where I could do something but I'm that exhausted due to working full time myself and parenting and running the house single handedly I usually just head straight to bed for an early night!

I actually think I maybe a little depressed because of the circumstances, but find it hard to discuss this with him as I know it's hard for him too being away from home. I don't want to bring up how I'm feeling over the phone and I don't mention it when we are together as I don't want to ruin the little precious time together that we have.

I don't know what I'm asking for here? Maybe advice from others who have been in a similar situation?

So he doesn’t parent his DC much then?

@Dozer, how do you mean? He parents as much as he can around his work schedule so see's DSC every weekend with overnight EOW. Not sure what that has to do with my predicament?

you need to say this to your dp if you haven’t already

I'm sorry to say that a similar situation contributed to the end of my marriage.
It's a very tough situation to be in.
You need to assess this asap.

His priority is clearly his work/social life. Facilitated by his ex doing the parenting.

I just feel so stuck between a rock and hard place with this one.
I have mentioned before how hard it is, but ultimately he needs to work and the line of work he is in means he has to go where the work is.
It doesn't help as I work from home in a demanding role. Yes the flexibility is great but it also alienates me even more. I feel I have no life outside of these 4 walls. Weekends he's tired after a long week and he's happy to chill at home, where as I'm biting at the bit to get out of the bloody house!
I have great friends but don't see them as much as I used to as again don't want to give up what little time we do have together all if this adds to the feeling that we are at too different ends if a playing field.

I think maybe you should see more of your friends at the weekend, it's important to keep them in your life for balance and it will get you out of the house. By all means have days and an evening with your DP but an evening with your friends I think could help. You really dont want to give the impression that it's all about him when he returns, it's better to show him you have stuff going on in your own life. You will have more to talk about that way also.

If you can afford childcare, go out and do stuff in the week, or go out at weekends while your DP joins you or stays home.

I’m not sure what difference it makes that your DP socialises in the evenings when he is away. If he stayed in his room on his own, it wouldn’t change your situation.

The resolution for you seems to be for him to get a new job and that isn’t always feasible. I assume working away isn’t a choice.

What is it you want from him? To be at home with you watching tv ? I don’t think it will add to the conversation or the lack of excitement in your life. I think this is about you. Why can’t you socialise during the week when he is away or at the weekends.

Being dependent on your partner for a social life isn’t healthy or a life solution. Your children might limit you at the moment but you should use your free time to develop interests outside your family and work.

I can relate, my DH works away in the week so it's me and the toddler. He's not going out and having fun in the evening but he's still escaping the tedium of housework, sorting out the toddler etc.

I've made a resolution to do more for me so I've started a sewing class one evening a week. It's been so good to go out and be myself rather than SAHM or wife. I feel tired and often think I'd prefer to slob in front of the TV but I feel so much better for going out and doing something.

This is about you not him. He is working. That’s life. 3 nights a week isn’t bad anyway.

You need to get out more. You are allowing his needs to dictate yours at the weekend.

This is interesting. My DH works away part of the week but I've never thought of us as "half living together" and I've never felt boring in comparison to his work/social life.

I wonder if you're simply feeling insecure OP?

You don't 'half live together'...you live together...but he works away.

That's not unusual. I think the issue is more that you're worried he's not fully committed to you and also that you're bored/depressed with your own life.

I used the term half living together as he doesn't formally live here. When he separated from his exw he moved in with family. Until he met me and now he no longer stays with them. He spends every night he he not working in my home. Either buy himself or with dsc.

We don't share finances. I earn and pay for my children and home. He earns and pays for the family home of exw ( divorce and financial settlement still to be sorted)

I'm still living like a single parent in my opinion, I'd love to get out more but funds are tight and I'm ploughing any spare cash into holidays and fun weekends, days out as a famiy etc so that leaves me with little to nothing to spend on myself.

Maybe that's why I'm feeling resentful of the fun lifestyle he gets whilst away?

You say he's tired at the weekends after a long week but also say he's on nights out through the week when he's away. He needs to cut down on the nights out if he's too tired at the weekend to spend any time doing something with you IMO.

He stays with you ALL the time when not working and contributes NOTHING. Parties when he works and then comes to yours too tired from his single-style life and you spend all the time with him doing nothing when he comes 'home'. Have i got that right?

I also presume with you doing all the housework and him doing nothing? I also presume that these fun holidays and fun weekends are paid for solely by you and he contributes NOTHING?

That's an awful lot of nothing he brings to this relationship! NOTHING!

Please tell me you're not doing his washing when he saunters in 'exhausted' from his nights out after working! Or running around after his kids during his contact time? Or feeding them on your food budget? Please tell me he at least gives at you money for the extra food, electricity, water etc that he and his dc consume!?

How long did it take for him to half-move in? And why aren't his finances with ex sorted after more than two years? He has enough cash to be pubbing and partying for 4 nights a week, so claiming ALL his money is going on his ex and dc is bollocks.

I presume he lived for free at family before he moved into yours for free so I'm calling cocklodger. A charming, best friend, family guy, but cocklodger nonetheless.

He should be contributing when he stays with you!

My dh worked away mon-fri for 5 years. I do understand the resentment, my dh had to socialise in the evening as part of his job and I was stuck at home with the dc. However I realised it was my responsibility to sort my own time out, not my DHs. After 5 years we decided he had to stop working away as we both hated it and I needed him to support me at home with the dc.

By the way my husband regularly works away and is only home 2/3 nights a week (9 months was the longest stint), but he LIVES with me - not half-lives. Lives and pays.

He does pay for the odd grocery shop and pays half of all family days out/holidays (another bone of contention as he has more DC than I do but we tend to split the bill for these things)

But no. He doesn't contribute financially to the running of my house.

Had to laugh at the washing remark.... It's something I won't do! But again it's me that does the bulk of the house work and all the cooking.

I know it sounds bad, he does have redeeming qualities. He always buys me little gifts and gets the bill for any date nights.

In response to the OP who asked about finances with his EXW. Again this is another area of contention for me.

We met around a month after he had left the family home at an event. He lived with his family member in another town some distance away at this point (as does his EXW and DC) and because of the time to travel back and forth it was just easier to stay at mine. And as we became serious and had introduced the DC, over the last year all his spare time is spent here. (Before he was having his DC at family members)

He had planned to go down the 2 year separated route for divorce but still to this day neither him or EXW have discussed this or made any steps for this to happen.

A nice cocklodger who pays for date nights (not very regular date nights I'll bet) and the odd gift/grocery shop, is a cocklodger nonetheless I'm afraid.

This needs to stop. It's leaving you skint, isolated from friends, depressed and unhappy!

Explain that your bills have increased and by how much so he needs to be contributing his share. AND his share of groceries EVERY weekend. His answer will tell you if he's been ridiculous, and frankly unbelievably, thoughtless or is full fledged cocklodger. Claiming poverty is cocklodger excuse by the way.

Then sort out a return to your social life with friends! His financial contributions to the home he IS living in will help facilitate that. If he's too tired from partying all week he can bloody stay in and look after your and his kids on his contact weekend.

We met around a month after he had left the family home at an event

A month after he'd left the mother of his children he moved in with you , far too early

@bigchris where did I say he moved in with me straight away???

We met at a concert around a month after he had left the family home. We dated for a while and it's only been the last 12 months he has spent all his time at my place. I haven't said in any if my posts he moved straight in with me!

Controlling cocklodger from me. Much too soon on all of this. He is not your partner in any shape or form.

So you need to take some time (and not long) to articulate what is not working. Finances; time spent together without DC; contribution on chores/housework; future plans; his divorce. Work out what you want first.

Oh sorry misread that ! hope you're okay xx