FIL dying and

[lolaflores]

FIL is in the end stages of dementia and I am sure many of you have experienced that. My DH is shuttling back and forth as much as possible and I see the stress and anguish in his face. He is travelling 450 miles there and back most weekends. it's so hard to watch. There is nothing anyone can do but keep home life as steady as possible for him etc ter I feel so helpless. At Xmas we all visited and myself, DH and DD went in to see him briefly and say goodbye. He is not in good shape but now, things are even worse and it is will probably be a matter of days.

But. FIL and i weren't especially close. In fact we saw eye to eye on very little, we stayed civil and put up with one another. I am really tearful and upset, seemingly disproportionate to our relationship and I an dreading the aftermath of his death and its impact on DH. I go from feeling really angry and resentful (privately) which I am ashamed about whilst trying to not present a miserable le face to DH when he comes home. DD misses him enormously, as do I but cant tell anyone that I am not dealing internally very well with the chaos, the dread and stress. I wish I was calmer and I think I ought to be handling this better but I'm not

Hi OP. I can only really reflect on my own experiences of this, but I hope it's helpful! My Dad recently died of dementia. As you know, dementia can be devastating and harrowing for both the person and the people who care about them. Your DH is quite possibly in the worst of it now, and things may actually be easier when you FiL dies. For me, the stress of caring for my father was enormous, his death felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders - I no longer had to witness my father in such a distressed, and distressing state, and if I am honest I no longer had to put my life on hold to care for him. If there's one thing this has taught me it's that you can't predict how any event will make you feel.

to you, dementia is truly horrible.

These are totally normal and valid feelings when it comes to dealing with dementia. It's a hugely draining experience for everyone.

Unlike cancer or similar illnesses, dementia completely erodes the person suffering from it that you knew and it takes a huge amount of effort to deal with them (my grandmother has it and I get the "how's everything going with you?" question approximately 10 times every two minutes). You may not have gotten on too well with your FIL but it can't be pleasant seeing him in his current state, and it seems to be only adding to the resentment you felt when he still was in charge of his faculties. Neither can it be pleasant seeing the anguish and stress it is and will cause your DH.

You're totally entitled to feel pissed off that this is impacting your home life, and I'd encourage you to rant here as long as it's cathartic for you. But your DH needs your support. It must be absolutely horrid for him not just seeing his dad ill, but commuting back and forth to care for him. He's effectively already lost his dad, but the care responsibilities don't go away. I'm sure when his DF does pass, there will be a small sense of relief for your husand, to be frank, as his DF will finally be at peace and the stress of caring for him in that state will have gone. But right now he needs an all hands on deck approach from you, and you need to explain to your DD that her dad is just being a good son. Don't voice your irritation to your DH, voice it here. As you said, many of us have experienced this.

I feel so bad for wishing he would just die. For his sake and ours. I know he would bot want to he in this condition. His dignity all gone. People fussing about. And am i bad for hoping DH will feel the same? That the frief will be offset by not having to watch the horror show anymore?
I am crying this because I cant verbalize any of it.

Don't feel bad for wishing that @lolaflores. My mum says that about my grandmother when the stress gets too much and it's completely understandable. As with your FIL, my grandmother would hate to be in her current state if she could see herself. No dignity, total reliance on other people, never sure of your own thoughts, constantly confused and unable to follow conversations. It's a horrid, horrid illness, especially when it affects people who were so sharp and full of life before it.

I strongly suspect your DH will feel a weight off his shoulders when his dad passes. He may not want to say it out loud, because it sounds such a horrible a thing to remark about a parent, but he's already lost his dad and him passing will stop the suffering.

I lost my mum last week to this vile disease.
Myself and everyone else was wishing she would die.
Sounds harsh, but she was in pain and had lost all dignity way earlier.
I'd lost my mum years ago really.
We all just wanted her out of pain and at peace.
She would have hated to have been like that in her former life.
It's what she wanted as well.
All totally normal under the circumstances OP.
The crying is pure frustration at the situation that you cannot do anything about. You just have to literally sit back and let nature takes it's course.
I'm assuming he is off of all drips now etc...?
If so then the body will shut down in approx 4 days.
So many of us have been through this and truly shite!!!
Just be there to support your DH when it's needed.
Like I say, I feel like I lost my mum around 2-3 years ago.

Yes. No feeding. No fluids I think. No morphine. That started sunday. He has been vomiting a lot and I expect his swallow reflex has gone. I am waiting everyday for "the phonecall". He weighs about 6 stone. He has been pacing relentlessly. For hours. And I just dont k ow where he has found the energy to do this cos he is so frail. We have both remarked he is fighting it. Trying to out pace it all.

My father died when was 9. This chaos feels the same. He had been ill and it all just fell apart like this.

You shouldn't in the least feel guilty for hoping he'll die soon. He's not at peace right now, and you're wishing him peace.

You're also wishing peace for your family and yourself. That's not something to feel guilty about, at all. Nobody wants to stay in a horrible waiting pattern where everyone, including the dying man, suffers. It's not just human but kind to want it to end.

I think I ought to be handling this better but I'm not

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. It is such a cruel disease.

One thing you could do immediately is to give yourself a break, be kind to yourself and not put yourself under any pressure at all.

It's not unusual for bereavement to hit you harder if your relationship was not as good as it might have been. As if you are mourning what might have been, as well as the actual loss.

Be kind to yourself. You can't pour from an empty jug, look after yourself in order to ensure you can support the others in your life.

He was a difficult man, which is being charitable, but DH adores him and frankly, I didnt but I honestly would never have wished this in him. DH is trying to look after stepMIL too.

BIL has gone MIA. He lives overseas and rings from time to time but updates his FB with pics of himself building a poolside cocktail bar. And if one more person tells me "everyone deals with it differently" i shall scream. Sure they do, but we aren't having any choice about how to deal with it. There are no get outs for DH whether he wanted to or not.

When my father was in this stage. He hung on for 3 weeks. It was terrible. The nurse told me, he’s waiting for something.

I told him it’s ok to go. That Mum was waiting for him. All his family were waiting for him.

Just be there for your husband when the time comes.

Oh ho ho - the famous overseas/unavailable sibling. IME @lolaflores there's always one of those in these situations. The care role seems to usually fall to one sibling, and that in itself causes its own stresses and frictions. Tends to be the younger sibling/s who consider themselves the baby of the family and never had to pitch in/care for their youngers.

Just keep plastering on that supportive face and caring for your DH as best you can. Bloody awful situation but it will end sooner or later.

I sense FIL is not ready to go either
It will be a while longer before all the vital spark goes. He sort of rallied late last week and then seemed to fail again within 24 hours. It's like watching him drown.

x 1000 to Nancy:

You shouldn't in the least feel guilty for hoping he'll die soon. He's not at peace right now, and you're wishing him peace.

My dad has dementia and he isn't the dad I knew anymore. He's enduring, but is always anxious, now incontinent, memory gone. Peace would be a lot better than this. Hope your family gets some relief from knowing your FIL has peace now when it happens.

@Cator..yep...youngest brother. DH has always been super grown and responsible. (DM had many problems and kids eventually removed) BIL has been resentful about everything down the years but is putting in extra effort at "not my problem" for a while now. He showed up for a couple of hours over xmas. Then fucked off again suggesting he and DH catch up athe Motorway services at Watford Junction for a chat.....I mean. WTAF?

No kids. Could do with a therapist but that's his issue. His wife hasnt rang or made any contact. She didnt visit with BIL over xmas. Over time she has just faded herself out of the picture and I dont know why.
Dont expect her to put in an appearance at the funeral either.

I mean watford gap. Or somewhere round there.

We were in a similar position to you lola, right down to my relationship with Fi, DH running himself ragged and BiL being physically and emotionally absent.

It was a massive relief when FiL passed, and we all grieved genuinely and thoroughly, comforted by the thought we had done our best.

And then we went on a lovely holiday.

@Tinklylittlelaugh..that made me laugh. Then we went on holiday I think we r all going to need a sit down after this. And a pact between us to slip a little something in my tea if it gets like this when I'm old. Or I hope the laws will have changed.
As for BIL...isnthere any point even saying something.

Yes a trite way to phrase it lola but honestly, it did us the world of good, drew a line under a horrible time and started us on our fresh new normal (we had Fil living with us).

It must be like returning to life after a shock or accident. Before and after. To draw breath again

To be released

@lolaflores Your BIL sounds like a piece of work... In our family it's my mother's younger sister. Lives as close to my grandmother as my DM does, but it's my DM who's visiting every day to do the cooking/laundry/care appointments/shopping runs/dementia care group trips etc etc. Her sister will visit once a month, stay for one hour, and consider herself an angel for doing so. When all is said and done, my DM and your DH will know they did everything they could to make their parents comfortable in this situation. Their siblings will hopefully feel a sense of shame. So I wouldn't bother saying anything to the BIL - it won't change his behaviour. I offered to act as mediator between my DM and her sister but DM doesn't want it, her position is "I'd rather just get stressed out about my mother having dementia than get stressed out about my mother having dementia AND my sister being a selfish cow".

I feel for you OP. I have no experience of dementia, but I have watched my own father slowly die from cancer and as much as I didn't want him to go, I did wish for his suffering to end and felt guilt for feeling that way.

I wish you strength in the coming days and hope your FIL will find his peace very soon .

And @hellsbellsmelons, condolences for your recent loss .

My sympathies to everyone who has lost someone. Death is hard enough without the layers of torture dementia and ling term illnesses add to it. I really appreciate all your input and sharing your experiences. People ask "how are you?' But I know it's a reflex question is t it? Its like saying "lovely weather" and we all go about our business. It isnt the time for actually saying how you feel or what's going on in your mind. Smile Nd crack on.

Yes released.

And it is like a shock or accident, dealing with a very sick, dying person. It’s very traumatic. You are running on adrenaline. The relief when it is over is immense.

Our grown up kids were much sadder than us when FiL passed because they didn’t really witness the horror of it all. For DH and me, and to a lesser extent our youngest still living at home (though of course we tried to shield him), there was that sense of release.

Meanwhile my own M is giving it Fr. Jack in the corner claiming early dementia because she forgot to turn off the radio then doing a cawwing laugh like its the funniest thing inbthe world. She has never been a deeply compassionate person beyond the details of the drama ut it's like she has cranked up the insensitive.
I've told her several times DH doesn't really want to thrash the details out with her endlessly, that's just how he is but she just won't stop picking at him so we are avoiding any face to face with her. My sisters seem to have vanished as well. I think DD would like to hang out with her cousins and despite me texting o try and catch up etc there has been radio silence.
Families!