FIL dying and

[lolaflores]

FIL is in the end stages of dementia and I am sure many of you have experienced that. My DH is shuttling back and forth as much as possible and I see the stress and anguish in his face. He is travelling 450 miles there and back most weekends. it's so hard to watch. There is nothing anyone can do but keep home life as steady as possible for him etc ter I feel so helpless. At Xmas we all visited and myself, DH and DD went in to see him briefly and say goodbye. He is not in good shape but now, things are even worse and it is will probably be a matter of days.

But. FIL and i weren't especially close. In fact we saw eye to eye on very little, we stayed civil and put up with one another. I am really tearful and upset, seemingly disproportionate to our relationship and I an dreading the aftermath of his death and its impact on DH. I go from feeling really angry and resentful (privately) which I am ashamed about whilst trying to not present a miserable le face to DH when he comes home. DD misses him enormously, as do I but cant tell anyone that I am not dealing internally very well with the chaos, the dread and stress. I wish I was calmer and I think I ought to be handling this better but I'm not

Went through all this with my Mum in November, she had a final stroke the Monday and we stopped food and drink and died the Friday. We were grateful the time was short but after the major stroke on the Monday she went from just about up bed to chair to bedbound in about 24 hrs and steadily down hill from there.

It is a huge relief when they do go for them as well as for family, I was quite numb till last month if I am honest and still having lots of moments.

Its not much longer and your husband must be exhausted and it won't stop as his Mum will need help to sort things going forward. If DH has PoA and his Mum has no access to his Dads accounts etc I would just swipe everything over to his Mum so she has money to get through immediately and the funeral costs etc. Thankfully my parents were quite organised on that front and even though I was an executor it wasn't any effort for me as Dad had already sorted alot of it and did lots of reporting etc to authorities regarding hr death. She died at home but had been moved onto the palliative care path and we had a DNR on file (Has to be authorised by the GP) which meant no inquest was required nor was re-suss attempted.

As to feeling guilt but also upset - this is also normal, your upset is for those left behind to be honest.

Reading through this I wondered if you are feeling particularly bad OP because it puts you back into the space you were in as a child when your father died.
If there was trauma associated with that that you never got an opportunity to process then this experience could be particularly upsetting for you.

Try not to judge BIL, it sounds like he chose a while ago to step back from involvement with his parents and that is a decision that is open to anyone.

That has occured to me, that it has thrown a hand grenade into all the stuff I have spent a lot of time and money trying to repair but now I think its not anymore resolved than than the day it happened. It feels very real if you know what I mean. Sometimes it feels like I've stepped back 45 years.

I am bipolar/mood disorder and am terrified this is going to kick off an episode as well. Getting to see my psychiatrist is not easy. Psych service here is on its last legs. I am meant to be in GP care bow. If I get very worried I'll see them.

If the experiences of your father's death feel very fresh and in the present them you could well be having a trauma response to the current situation.
It would be worth letting your mental health support team know this, although this may well be easier said than done given current staffing levels.
There are really good trauma treatments out there it is just getting access to them that is the issue!