DH and My Milestone Birthday; advice please

[FloconDeNeige]

Hello All, I'm a first-time poster but long-time lurker. I wanted to garner the combined wisdom of MN to work out what to do here.

It was a significant birthday of mine at the weekend and I feel very underwhelmed and somewhat hurt with how DH marked the occasion. We (Myself, DH and DC) went for a mini-break to 'celebrate'. However on the day itself, other than wishing me a happy birthday, I received nothing from DH - no card, gift, cake, or glass of anything to celebrate. I also ended up being the one to get up with the DC at 06.30 (they have just turned 2 and 4 years old), while DH stayed in bed until 09:00. By teatime it was evident that nothing was going to be forthcoming, so I asked him if he'd got me anything and he said no. He ran out of time apparently. When I said he'd known for the last year that this birthday was approaching, he got defensive and said I was expecting too much.

Now, let me say that I in no way wanted a grand gesture or expensive presents. But a small gift or at least a card. The mini-break was paid for by him as I'm out of work at the moment, but I was the one who researched it, planned and booked it. And he got to participate and enjoy it himself too. We're not big on celebrating birthdays, but not to receive anything for a milestone one makes me feel unimportant. I always make an effort for him.

I should say that in most other respects, he is a good husband and excellent father. We live abroad and have nobody to help. He works full-time and probably does more with regard to the kids than I do (he is the go-to person for the creche, paediatrician etc. although it started like that as the language here is his mother tongue. I'm fluent now, but things have just carried on as they were). I lost my job after health problems during/after pregnancy and have struggled to find another in the country we're in, despite being highly qualified (STEM doctorate). He is paying for me to attend a course to help women re-start their careers at a prestigious university here and has really helped me through this difficult period of ill health, PND and unemployment.

Even though I know all this, I still can't help feeling a bit hurt that I got nothing for my birthday. Even worse was, in the hotel restaurant that evening, the staff came out with a cake and candles. They took it a man on to the table next to us and everyone sang happy birthday to him and cheered. Made me feel even worse. DH couldn't seem to understand why. In some respects I think this is a trivial thing to get upset over and in others I think it indicates that he didn't think I was worth making the effort for. Any advice on how I move past this, please?

Happy birthday OP.

I can see exactly why you’d be hurt, maybe dial back things on his birthday as well, if he feels birthdays aren’t a time to make a fuss then I wouldn’t.

The least he could have done is let you have a lie in.

It does all sound disappointing and a bit upsetting.

It sounds to me like there's other stuff going on (you've had PND, you've lost your job, you have two small children etc etc) and the birthday has kind of brought it all out.
Tbf, I guess he thought (as I would tbh) the weekend away was present enough, and rightly or wrongly, he thinks your "job" at the moment is childcare. Personally, I'd rather eat my own face than be the centre of attention in a restaurant with a birthday cake but that's me. Also, you say you're not big on birthdays so how was he supposed to know that a weekend away wasn't enough?

Thanks Frazzled

Good to know that I'm not alone in finding it a bit upsetting.

To be fair, I don't think he deliberately let me get up with the kids because when he emerged he said his sinuses were painful and his face was puffy (he suffers regularly with sinus problems). He was fine once he'd taken his medication. But it just all added to the overall disappointment of the day.

You make some good points, Book.

You're right, he did think that the trip was present enough and nothing further was needed. I probably should have been clearer in advance about how I'd have liked something small to open or a bottle of fizz or something. But then part of me thinks, actually, should I? Aren't these kind of things generally accepted customs on milestone birthdays? He wouldn't need to spell it out to me.

You're also right that the birthday has brought the other stuff out too and it's difficult for me to disentangle those things. I suppose nobody's perfect (certainly not me) and if this is one of his few faults, it can't be that bad. Thanks for your insight.

I'd have been upset too OP but experience suggests that it's best to tell people what we want rather than hoping that they will guess and then feeling let down when they don't.
Maybe ask for a re-run?

The trip was present enough but if it were me and I'd treated my partner to a weekend away, I'd have still got a card, plus a card and a little token present from the kids.

I guess it depends how you do things, but we always get a little something for DD to give and Id be be hurt if my partner hadnt bothered doing something with the kids to acknowledge my birthday. A box of chocs or a little bunch of flowers. It's for them too. I think it's important to get the little ones in on stuff like that. I know at 4, maybe a little older, my DD would have been upset if her dad or I had a birthday and she had nothing to give 'from her'.

I agree OP, poor show. If he otherwise is as great as you say, maybe just tell him so he doesn't make the same mistake again.

YANBU. I Sympathise OP.

When I was 40, DH and I went to New York for a long week-end, staying at a 5 star hotel at my request. For DH’s 50th I bought him an expensive electric guitar that he wanted.

I then had DS in my 40’s and so when I turned 50, I thought DH would do something special, but apart from a card and paying for an inexpensive present that I had chosen a month earlier, we didn’t do anything on the actual day.
No meal out, no meal cooked by DH, no cake etc. I still had to cook our dinner that evening.

I was really upset and simmered over the next few days especially when friends asked if I’d had a nice birthday. Afterwards, I made it very clear to DH that I was Very hurt by his thoughtlessness.

Since then, DH has made much more effort with birthdays and he’s even talking about organising a big party for my 55th. (Not sure I actually want a party though.)

You need to say something to your DH, no Subtle hints but tell him exactly how upset you feel.

Thank you.

I agree that telling people what we want instead of hoping and then being let down is probably the way forward here. He is otherwise pretty decent, yes.

I suppose I'm also a bit sad that I couldn't have a party or celebration with family and friends as they are in different countries, so the fact that DH didn't make much effort just magnified this. I can't complain though as we chose to live abroad and are otherwise happy here.

Thanks Everything, for sharing your story. Yes, I will certainly say something to him, in clear terms!

Firstly happy birthday op

I used to be married to someone like your dh and for years it used to piss me off that he'd make no effort whatsoever for my birthday. The kids, as they got older, made more of a fuss and I'm also a believer that kids should make a fuss over someone else's birthday. I left him a month after a particularly crappy birthday. Used to make me laugh as we'd always go away with his friends for his birthday and we'd make a huge fuss over him.

I'm now remarried and my dh knows my thoughts on this and does make a big event of my birthday and I love it. Look forward to it each year and it's a real buzz for me. He's arranging a week in Vegas for my next landmark bd.

So I really do understand why you're upset, and I don't care what people say, I do think it's a bloody big deal to some people

Thanks sunshine!

I wouldn't say it's a bloody big deal to me as such and that's maybe where I've gone wrong. I'm not majorly fussed over birthdays in general and neither is he, and perhaps that's why he thought the trip alone was enough.

It will be his milestone birthday next year and I've already said to him that if he thinks we're driving to his hometown for a party with his family and friends, he can think again (we can drive back to his country but we need to fly back to mine - the UK - so it is always more difficult for me to come home). Although part of me thinks this is being petty as it's not his fault we happen to live further away from my side.

I feel your pain OP

I have just had a significant birthday. Got nothing apart from chocolates. Not even a text or card off one of my adult children. I am guttted and still am. No contact whatsoever, still very very upset about it.

Sorry to hear that Broken.

Happy Birthday!

Have you contacted your children to let them know you're hurt? I think you need to, otherwise your resentment will only build.

It was my fortieth on Saturday - happy birthday OP.

My partner came good with the presents so I'm very lucky. We don't really make a big deal usually but as it was a milestone I got some nice jewellery. I also got up with with the kids though (5 and 1) while he went for a run!

I would jsut like a night of unbroken sleep for my birthday to be honest.

I would have been very upset in your shoes actually. I would have expected something from the children at least, doesn't have to be expensive.

His birthday he gets a Vick's stick...

Thanks mynamesmrdiggety, happy birthday to you too!

I don't think it would occur to him to get a present from the children. However, I will also mention this, as I'd be happy with a homemade card from them (done under his supervision, obviously).

I'm very fortunate that my kids are generally good sleepers - it was just typical that the eldest woke up earlier on my birthday (due to the unfamiliar hotel room)! I suppose I did get an unbroken 8 hours on my 'birthday-eve' so at least I wasn't sleep-deprived as well as gift-less!

@Flutteringsatlast

Lolz

Even if I have to fly back to the UK and get one from Boots!

My husband is shit when it comes to birthdays or occasions. He wouldn’t know where to start. But, then on random days he’ll surprise me with a watch or a $400 bag.

I think it stems from when we were teens and he bought me satin leopard print pyjamas and a huge hamper basket of Thornton’s dark chocolates. I hated both - never told him...but I generously shared out the chocs out and never wore the pjs. He could probably tell.

These days he won’t buy me anything unless he knows I want it/like it. If I happen to pass anything in store and love it, he’ll run back later. It’s a bit strange because on my bday I might get nothing and on a normal day I’ll be treated like a princess 🧐

I really genuinely think many men are clueless when it comes to this sort of thing...and don’t mind too much myself.

Does he ever do anything nice for you randomly?

Happy birthday, OP.

An almost exactly similar thing happened me for my 40th. DH is lovely, kind etc. and normally does ok with birthdays - we do celebrate them but he blew that one big time. We also were away. I spent the day in increasing disbelief that he hadn't written me a card, given me a present of any kind, organised a birthday cake or - worst of all - arranged for our 3 small children to write a card for me. I said nothing on the day except I did go to the supermarket to get my own cake telling him that the children would expect it. For his 40th birthday I had bought him a painting he admired, commissioned a drawing of our 3 children, had them make and write him cards and bought him a special cake.

We went out for dinner when we got back and I gave it to him straight. In fairness he was shocked by his own lack of consideration and it has never happened again. To this day, I don't know what happened him.

@DMBL
Yes - nothing grandiose but he'll sometimes bring me chocolate when he comes in from work and this morning he cleared all the snow off my car as he knows I struggle to reach the roof.

@pallisers
Thanks for the birthday wishes! Indeed, your situation does sound similar. I have the slight advantage that DH's milestone birthday is after mine, so I'm not feeling inclined to roll out the red carpet for him come next year, I can tell you!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. It’s accepted that a milestone birthday is a bigger deal and I would think some sort of gift you could keep would be nice, even a book or an inexpensive little thing. and he should definitely be helping the DCs to fry gifts for you or they’ll grow up not knowing.

I think that's shit OP. Having a trip away doesn't negate him from buying you a bloody card as the bare minimum. The lack of thought and effort (trip doesn't count as there was zero effort from him there too) shows a real lack of appreciation for you. The sinus excuse is also bullshit. He could have got up earlier with the DCs and taken his medication. Unless he has just descended from another planet, he knows full well what celebrating a birthday entails.

Thanks everyone. I’ll try and talk it over with him this evening to find out why.

It will be his milestone birthday next year and I've already said to him that if he thinks we're driving to his hometown for a party with his family and friends, he can think again

What? Why? That’s just petty and mean.

@Bluntness100

Yeah, I kinda agree. I said it in the heat of the moment and I thinking about it now, it does just seem petty.

However part of me still thinks, why should I join in with making his birthday a special celebration when he couldn’t get his act together to do the same for me. Hmmmmm