Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on dating site- what would you do

35 replies

Newtothis987 · 02/03/2020 22:46

o I found my husbands reply to a woman on a dating site. False name and ‘would like to meet up’ When it happened he said it was just texting - nothing else. When I asked how many women he had texted like this he said about 4. The kids were in the middle of exams so I lived with it.
The other day I saw a text on his phone to a name I didn’t recognise. When I asked him who it was he said it was someone at work. I asked him to show me the text. He went to get his phone but spent ages deleting stuff before he brought it. By which time I said forget it - you’ve clearly deleted anything you didn’t want me to see so obviously there were things on there he didn’t want me to see. I can’t get past this wondering what he was deleting and why he couldn’t just give me his phone to look at. What would you do? We’ve been married 25yrs and this started in 2016/17. Kids have done exams and at uni now so nothing keeping me here. Our sex life is non existent but my doing not his . Thing is he thinks now he can brush this under the carpet and just carry on, wanting to kiss / cuddle. I don’t feel like I can though.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 02/03/2020 22:50

“Nothing keeping me here”. Focus on that. Go and see a divorce lawyer and starts the first steps towards a wonderful future. He’s not worth another moment of your time. Who would want to kiss/cuddle!!

InArrears · 02/03/2020 22:52

Yup, what Honey said. Leave and don't look back.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2020 22:53

Something is keeping you though, isn't it ?

Or you wouldn't be looking for opinions on here

LittleCabbage · 02/03/2020 22:53

I cannot see any reason to stay with your cheating husband. Free yourself!

GrumpysOtherHalf · 02/03/2020 22:59

He seems to enjoy having his cake and eating it

You're worth more than that. Be strong op

notapizzaeater · 02/03/2020 23:00

What's keeping you there ? He's obv up to something if he had to delete stuff. I'd be off !

Friendsofmine · 02/03/2020 23:05

It's normal to feel daunted at the thought of leaving even really awful marriages. This isn't a reason to stay. He is untrustworthy and has not changed. He had his second chance.

Start making plans to leave him.

TabbyCatPaws · 02/03/2020 23:05

It sounds like you dont want to be with him and haven't wanted intimacy for some time, he does want intimacy and likes to cheat. So unless this situation works for you I'd move on, be single or find someone you like.

RantyAnty · 03/03/2020 03:24

What Honey said. Go talk to a solicitor and get things going. You've done your time with him. It's your turn now.

Macaroni46 · 03/03/2020 03:41

Well if you don't want sex or intimacy it's not really a marriage is it? Of course he shouldn't be on dating sites but in a way I can see his position. You don't want intimacy. He does. Maybe he doesn't want to leave you but can't live without intimacy so was trying to have both.
I think harsh though it sounds you should think really carefully about why you're in your marriage. Maybe it's time to set each other free. You may be a lot happier in the long run OP.

FireflyAurora · 03/03/2020 03:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

namechange1041 · 03/03/2020 04:03

He's obviously up to something. Do yourself a favour and leave him OP. Lifes too short to be miserable

FrockFrockFrockityFrock · 03/03/2020 04:10

Since this is now the second time he's done this, you can either spend your life being miserable with this man while he lies and cheats OR you can find someone who treasures you like you deserve to be treasured.

Hugs. Been there. It's tough but gets better if you opt to leave.

LangSpartacusCleg · 03/03/2020 05:04

You asked what I would do. I would turn him into an ex-husband as quickly as possible.

Shoxfordian · 03/03/2020 05:20

I would have divorced him the first time I found him messaging other women

ALittleBitConfused1 · 03/03/2020 05:41

Neither of you sound very happy. Is your lack of sex life a symptom of finding these messages or did you not want that side of things before? I'm in no way saying that gives him a free pass to cheat btw (I'd also feel sorry for the women he is talking to on this site if he isn't disclosing the fact that he is married at the beginning).
I was married and we went a year without sex, it was heartbreaking and really affected my confidence. It meant that towards the end I didnt even want to cuddle or kiss him for fear of rejection, him not wanting sex killed any other kind of intimacy we had. I didnt cheat but I came close and I did end the marriage because of that.
I do think intimacy and sex is an important part of any relationship and if you arent feeling that or wanting to discover whether than can be rekindled then that's a sure sign you've come to the end of the road.
You've been together a long time, it must be terrifying to consider leaving. But you both deserve to be happy op. Him cheating is a cowardly way of dealing with the issues but perhaps it's time to consider how you part amicably and start new separate lives that give you both everything you need.

FlowerArranger · 03/03/2020 05:42

You don't actually love him, do you. Your marriage is a sham. For whatever reasons, your husband is sticking around. But why are you, given that, in your own words, nothing is keeping you there and your sex life is non-existent.

Does the lack of sex predate your finding out about his online cheating, or is a consequence thereof? If the latter, and seeing that it first happened 3 or 4 years ago, what steps did you take to address it? You say you lived with it because of DC's exams - did you simply ignore it? And now you are surprised that HE wants to brush it under the carpet? Why are you so passive?

What are you hoping to get from this thread? What outcome are you actually hoping for?

anotherfineday2020 · 03/03/2020 05:51

If you are intimate with him are you safe or get him checked out
It's common for men to be on tinder, sites it is easy for them
I think you owe yourself some self respect and leave the player.
I wonder why married couples do this to each other and accept it I often think why not just invite the other woman around I mean really it's like your letting him in a way?!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/03/2020 05:53

I'd have left him the first time. What's the point if you can't trust him?

Toomanygerbils · 03/03/2020 05:58

You don’t have any form of physical intimacy and he is cheating on you (best case emotionally, worse physically). Your relationship sounds over, it sounds like you’ve become friends or room mates

You need to both be honest about whether you want this to change or if you should split. It can’t carry on like it is

Original poster
Newtothis987 · 03/03/2020 07:39

Thanks everyone. The sex dwindled off after the first incident. I think it’s the not knowing what happened with those 4 women - surely it want just texting ? I know this can’t go on and @flowerarranger I think I just want some support and courage to tackle this and others views on what they think of the situation and whether I’m right to feel like this. I know we need to talk and we did after the first incident but we stopped . He certainly won’t bring the subject up now, I will have to do that. I just wish he hadn’t also started deleting stuff when I asked to see his phone this time - actions speak louder than words and that told me enough I think but again - I don’t know what he was hiding from me.
@toomanygerbils you’re right it does feel like we’re room mates and he can’t be happy either. Splitting up just scares me to death, not him, but the upset we will cause everyone In particular the kids, I think they’ll be devastated.

OP posts:
AlwaysInTroubleAgain · 03/03/2020 07:56

Perhaps, if you are not interested in a sex life, and he still is then this is some sort of workable compromise? It was pretty grubby looking to do this without discussing with you first though.

On the other hand if you both to love each other, and it doesn't sound you're desperate to keep him, then perhaps this has run it's road.

Isitsixoclockalready · 03/03/2020 08:01

OP - it can seem really scary breaking up but I can tell you from experience that it's not the end of the world and you can move on. I split up from my ex wife - not due to affairs but just that we had grown apart, there was no longer intimacy and we wanted different things in life. Life is too short for living in an unhappy situation. Whether it is because you are happy being single in the future or would eventually find another, you deserve to live it the way you want to.

FlowerArranger · 03/03/2020 08:10

@Newtothis987... I know it takes courage to leave after what seems like a lifetime together. In my case it's over 40 years, and I dithered for 5 years after his affair. I really, really wish I hadn't. Since I finally left I feel so much more.... ALIVE. You will too.

If you start another thread about starting again after a long marriage, you will get plenty of responses from women who've been where you are and have come out the other side, without regrets and happy with their new lives.

Ryantrain · 03/03/2020 08:21

There was no sex, for some people thats a problem. Yes the decent thing is to leave but maybe his sacrifice to the relation is to live with himself knowing he is a cheater so as not to harm the children, like your sacrifice was to turn a blind eye to his betrayal.. and you did brush it under the carpet by staying together, however valid you think your reasons were.

he propably thinks you got over it, after all you are still together when theres not much gluing you together (kids at uni).

So he is probably trying to 'work' on it and rekindle things by cuddling.

All i see is a damaged and desperate relation. Perhaps its time to stop pretending and go your own way.

Swipe left for the next trending thread