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Original poster

Wanting to be engaged so bad

37 replies

Aria2016 · 02/03/2020 21:05

I'm kind of scared to post this but im 26 boyfriend is 29 weve been together for almost 9 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together. He got me a promise ring two years ago and when I was pregnant promised me a ring. He gets annoyed when I talk about it and I can't help but bet jelious of people who are getting married or engaged which is horrible I know. What do I do x

OP posts:
delilahbucket · 02/03/2020 21:06

Tell him he marries you or you leave. It sounds like he doesn't want to so maybe it's time to evaluate your relationship.

PersonaNonGarter · 02/03/2020 21:11

Aw. Ask him. Get down on one knee and propose.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2020 21:14

Being engaged doesn’t really mean or change anything.

If you want to get married you need to tell him it’s a deal breaker and you’ll leave him if he won’t do it. But I think you know what he’ll say so you’d risk breaking up your family.

Not being able to talk about these things without someone getting annoyed isn’t a good sign. You know he doesn’t want to get married. So you can accept it and stop hoping it’ll happen or end the relationship.

n00bMaster69 · 02/03/2020 21:21

Are you prepared to leave if he doesn't agree to marriage?

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 02/03/2020 21:22

He doesn’t want to marry you.

Electrical · 02/03/2020 21:23

read these differences in legal protections between married and unmarried people to see how vulnerable you and your daughter are. You and your boyfriend are not legally each other’s family, next of kin, no rights at all or legal protections. If you’ve sacrificed you job to parent his child for him you should go to work right now. You can have a non religious ceremony for about £100 or not much more with a registrar. Him ‘getting annoyed’ is to shut you up presumably. Have a proper conversation about it, no need for his theatrics, then you’ll know where you stand and if you need to protect your tenancy/whatever and earning capacity.

BaolFan · 02/03/2020 21:35

Tell him that you want to get married and that you'd like to set a date.

His reaction will give you your answer.

ChocoChunk1 · 02/03/2020 21:40

It's not great that he doesn't want to discuss the thing that matters to you most, do you have other issues around communication with him?

I am married but my brother has been with his partner for 17 years, and both are not bothered about getting married. I got married to my partner for that most unromantic reason: property and common assets! Hmm Why is this so important to you? Is the relationship otherwise good?

Personally, I think unless there is a pressing legal issue, you don't need to get married these days. If you have been in a relationship for nine years, I would suggest it's pretty committed. You don't need a piece of paper to know that. Are you insecure about your relationship after all this time? Why might that be?

category12 · 02/03/2020 21:42

Please tell us you're working and have some level of financial independence.

Elieza · 02/03/2020 21:46

He either doesn’t want to get engaged/married at all and is avoiding telling you or he hasnt saved up money for an engagement ring and feels he can’t propose without one.

You need to ask him why he doesn’t seem to want to get married or ask him to marry you. If it’s the ring price that’s the problem go with something that’s not diamond (silver and amethyst or a cubic zirconia stone).
If he doesn’t want to get married you may have to walk away.

category12 · 02/03/2020 21:49

Also, why did you let Leap Year go by if you're desperate to marry?

RogersVideo · 02/03/2020 21:49

As someone said above, there are good legal reasons to be married. You should not be afraid to discuss these things with your partner. Nor should you be afraid to discuss how this makes you feel emotionally. You are an equal in this relationship.

Unfortunately, it is completely possible he wont marry you. And you'll have to decide what to do with this information.

Don't bury your head in the sand and grow resentful as the years go by and he still doesn't marry you.

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/03/2020 22:01

To be honest , even if you persuade him to get engaged there is no guarantee that he will marry you .
It actually depresses me how many women have babies without the security of marriage . Ok if you are happy but you clearly aren’t. I hope you are working , if not I think you should . Just in case .

BackforGood · 02/03/2020 22:22

What is a 'promise ring' ?

To me, 'being engaged' is the time when you are planning your wedding' - it shows you have committed to marry.
If you have a child together then you need to seriously discuss your wedding, or at the least, putting everything on to a good sound legal footing. 'Being engaged' doesn't change anything from the position you are in today.

IceWings · 02/03/2020 22:26

He doesn’t want to marry you. After nine years and a baby it’s not like he hasn’t had time to decide. He’s made his decision and he’s chosen not to marry you. At this point your choices are to suck it up or leave and be a single mum.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/03/2020 22:29

He has everything.. without having to marry you... let me guess... you gave the baby his surname too right ?

Friendsofmine · 02/03/2020 22:30

You don't need him to propose OP. Ask him if he would like to marry you as you would him and if he says he would, then start planning!

Lots of people don't marry until later and the fact you got pregnant wouldn't have changed that timescale necessarily. I wouldn't panic but I wouldn't wait for a proposal either. Make it happen or be prepared to leave.

Verily1 · 02/03/2020 22:32

Why buy the cow when the milk comes for free?

It’s a horrible phrase but is true.

Qwerty543 · 02/03/2020 22:34

If he wanted to marry you he would have asked by now.

GnomeDePlume · 03/03/2020 05:35

At the time DH wasnt fussed about getting married, couldnt see the point. It mattered to me so I asked him.

We have now been married 28 years.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/03/2020 05:41

Does he know how important it is to you?
Do you want to be married or do you like the idea of a romantic proposal?

My friend hounded her DP to propose then when he did she said it was a bit of an anti climax because he did it because she asked him to, not because he wanted to.

hopefulhalf · 03/03/2020 05:43

As others have said shit or get off the pot.
Either he marries you or you walk.

justmyview · 03/03/2020 11:30

Either he marries you or you walk

Not necessarily @hopefulhalf OP might choose to stay in the relationship and continue to cohabit

OP, I've seen a number of similar threads recently. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who had to be dragged down the aisle kicking and screaming. If someone doesn't wish to marry, then they shouldn't be compelled to do so

Having said that, if marriage is important to you, you may prefer to move on and look for someone who shares your view. In that scenario, perhaps best to say to your partner "I love you and I would like to be married, but I'm not sure you feel the same. I am starting to wonder if I wish to remain in this relationship if marriage isn't on the table"

I suspect if your DP wanted to be married, you would be married by now.........And deep down, I think you probably know that

ShesCurly · 03/03/2020 13:11

I don't get the promise ring thing.

If the other person knows you really want to be engaged to be married, isn't it a bit of a teaser that's quite sad?

If engaged means I want to get married to you then what does promise ring mean? I want to want to get married to you?

Not in a snarky way its just two of my male friends have given partners promise rings because they didn't want to get engaged but didn't want their partner to leave them.

It seems to me that if it's that hard to propose (by which you say I want to marry you) then maybe it isn't right.

ShesCurly · 03/03/2020 13:12

100% agree with @justmyview on this:

OP, I've seen a number of similar threads recently. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who had to be dragged down the aisle kicking and screaming. If someone doesn't wish to marry, then they shouldn't be compelled to do so

Having said that, if marriage is important to you, you may prefer to move on and look for someone who shares your view. In that scenario, perhaps best to say to your partner "I love you and I would like to be married, but I'm not sure you feel the same. I am starting to wonder if I wish to remain in this relationship if marriage isn't on the table"