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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need help - I've not spoke to anyone about this before

42 replies

Mummyabbie · 02/03/2020 19:58

Hi,

I’ve never posted on here before, and not spoken to anyone about this before.....but I need some help.....I’m having an affair....

It started 8 months ago, I came back from maternity leave, and met someone new at work. There was an instant connection, and things progressed. We have been sleeping together for 3 months, and it has been full on. Chatting every day, meeting up at work for lunch. I am totally in love with him.

My relationship with my husband isn’t going well, it hasn’t for about 2 years (since our baby was born) and I were not in love with each other any more.

My relationship with my affair partner had started to change recently, and I am confused. He told me he loved me, and made me feel special. But I feel like he has started to take a more relaxed approach, stopped making effort with me, and making excuses why we can’t meet up.

I don’t know what to do, and think I’m getting depressed and upset and have nobody to talk to about any of this....

OP posts:
Gazelda · 02/03/2020 20:02

Do you want to remain married? If you do, then you have to finish the affair. If you don't, then end it ASAP. If you don't know, then end the affair while you get your head together.

Your post sounds as though you feel as though your affair partner is not being fair or honest with you. Which is suspect is how your husband will feel if he finds out (understatement).

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 02/03/2020 20:03

You’re going to get a lot of flack on here - people on Mumsnet relationships board are very judgemental about affairs. If you’re wanting to feel worse - you’ve come to the right place. People will be nasty. They will see it as a chance to be nasty to the person their husband had an affair with, by proxy.

granadagirl · 02/03/2020 20:05

Is he married?
I think he’s having a change of mind

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2020 20:06

Is he married? Does he want you to leave your husband?

If you’re that unhappy with your husband you need to leave him. Why haven’t you?

Twinkletoes888 · 02/03/2020 20:06

In all fairness you were probably a quest, he’s conquered and found someone else.

I suggest you forget about him and start sorting your relationship with your husband

BallacheForLife · 02/03/2020 20:06

Buckle up OP I think you may be in for a bumpy ride on here.
But seriously if you don't love your husband, end it.

cobwebfew · 02/03/2020 20:16

Clearly you're unhappy in your marriage. Are you in two minds about ending things? Afraid of maybe ending the marriage and ending up alone? I think you need to have a good think about what you want, and whether or not you want your marriage to work or not. Its very unfair on your husband as things are now!

Original poster
mummyabbie · 02/03/2020 20:16

He is married, and has 2 children. He said he doesn't love his wife but is trapped in their marriage. I don't know what to do, I've never felt like this before with anyone, not even my husband at the beginning ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyabbie · 02/03/2020 20:18

You are right - it is unfair. My husband hasn't done anything wrong, which makes it worse...we just don't have a relationship anymore.....I have nobody to talk to and I'm lost and confused about what I want and how I feel. I don't want to make mistakes and upset everyone

OP posts:
Ylvamoon · 02/03/2020 20:19

I had an affair once in my mind twenties.... I ditched both men and moved on. (Didn't have any DC)

On a serious note, can you talk to your Husband? There is always a change in dynamics when baby arrives. You and your husband should have sorted this straight away. Instead you put your head in the sand and have an affair.
I understand, you affair man probably gives you his full attention, it's only the 2 of you although he sees to get bored ... meanwhile at home, it's 3 people, one totally dependent on you and one who would like some attention from you.

Time to sort things out and get family life a real chance ... or come clean and move on. Whatever happens, there will always be the little person who needs you.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 02/03/2020 20:20

Name change fail

totallydevoidofideas · 02/03/2020 20:24

The 'being trapped' is maybe really dawning on him properly now? I'm not judging OP, I've been there as well, so I know how it happens. You need to stop going along with things around you and decide what you want. It's hard.

LittleBoyJuly2020 · 02/03/2020 20:25

No sympathy OP, you should have ended your marriage if you weren't happy, but instead, two families will have been ruined. You and your affair partner should be ashamed of yourselves, although sounds like he is now that he's backing away.

GrumpysOtherHalf · 02/03/2020 20:29

Sounds like he's trying to end things with you, maybe get you to back off a bit.

I'd walk away from him. Your relationship with your husband won't work if someone else is getting the best of you

Original poster
mummyabbie · 02/03/2020 20:29

I'm honestly not looking for sympathy, that's not what I've posted for. I just have nobody to talk to and I'm feeling consumed by my feelings which are making me feel lost and depressed. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, just someone to talk to, this is really unusual for me, having an affair and also joining an online chat for advice and help

OP posts:
LittleBoyJuly2020 · 02/03/2020 20:37

If you feel lost and depressed OP, imagine how your husband is going to feel when he finds out his wife went back to work after finishing maternity leave and started an affair.
No idea what your looking for here, but advice should be - tell your husband, let him move on with his life.

GreyHare · 02/03/2020 20:40

Let me guess you mentioned leaving your husband for him and now he's gone cold on you, I bet he has no intention of ever leaving his wife and he will be playing happy families at home with her. You need to figure out what you are going to do, you are not being fair on your husband and if you don't love him you need to pull up your big girl pants and leave him, but do not leave him for a hope and a promise for the man you are cheating on him with.

lifeandblood93 · 02/03/2020 20:40

OP, did you and your affair partner ever talk about the future and what you wanted out of this affair or was it understood that it was never going to go anywhere? If he’s pulling away, my advice would be to go no contact for a bit so that you can figure out what you want to do with your life.

Mulhollandmagoo · 02/03/2020 20:41

If you don't love your husband, the fairest thing for both of you is to end your marriage. It'll be an absolutely horrific conversation for you to have but I think it's necessary, and I think it will bring you clarity.

With regards to your affair partner, Have you discussed leaving your husband? As it could be he's enjoying the affair and doesn't actually want a relationship and he's happy for things to stay as they are?

Would it be wise to walk away from both men and have some time to yourself to figure out what you want and what makes you happy? You're in a confusing predicament and you're asking for advise, so only read the advise and not the character assassination that usually comes with these posts

QualityStreeet · 02/03/2020 20:49

OP, you have obviously got yourself into a bit of a mess here. We all make mistakes and yes, what you are doing is a pretty bad one. Don’t forget though that we all make mistakes.

The first thing you need to do is to stop the affair. It doesn’t sound as though your strong feelings are fully reciprocated there anyway and it wouldn’t be a good foundation to build a relationship on in any case.

That’s the first thing you need to do. Next, give yourself some time to figure out what’s going on in your head, without the distraction of the other man.

Do that and I’m sure things will become a lot clearer in your mind.

BusterMove · 02/03/2020 20:49

No judgement here.
But you absolutely need to take a step back and decide what you want- from your marriage, for a start.
This man isn't going to leave his wife and children for you.

Kit19 · 02/03/2020 20:49

Does your husband know you’re both not in love anymore or is that something you’ve decided on your own?

And come on you know the score really. You were only ever a bit of fun to affair guy and now he’s worried you want a proper relationship Abd he’s not up for that

you need to decide whether you want your marriage to work or not

Maduixa · 02/03/2020 20:53

Hi, OP. 2 major considerations, I think:

(1) Your husband. You say we're not in love with each other any more. Have you both acknowledged this, and if so, what would the next step be if this other man were completely out of the picture? Any (mutual) hope of/desire for a possible reconciliation with your husband, couple's counseling, etc.? If not, what are you doing - staying together for the baby? Planning to split but not "ready" yet? Ignoring the problem?

(2) The other man. He said he doesn't love his wife but is trapped in their marriage. There you go. He may or may not be interested in continuing the affair, but it doesn't sound like he sees it progressing to anything BUT a secret affair. You have to proceed as if you WON'T be with this man long-term, even if you leave your husband. And keep in mind this isn't just him lying to his wife and you (I assume) to your husband - this is also going on at work, where it can have consequences to both of you, even if it's just in the way your bosses and colleagues perceive you. I wouldn't try to guess the issue with this man, because you'll drive yourself crazy. Maybe his wife is suspicious and is keeping an eye on him, maybe he has other family stuff going on, maybe he's worried about work consequences, maybe he's lost interest or thought better of risking an affair. You have every right to ask him - I'd do that in person, face to face - but don't expect too much.

No chiding/judging from me - you are where you are and you don't have time machine to go back. But keep perspective and be realistic - a few years from now this guy may be just a memory, but your H and child will be in your lives (even if you divorce the H) no matter what. So focus on those relationships, and what's right for you and your baby, without factoring in what this other guy will decide to do.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/03/2020 20:55

You do have someone to talk to - you could go to marriage guidance on your own and get some real help to sort out your feelings.
Then you can work out what you want to do next and how you want to deal with things, as it looks like the entire pack of cards is about to come tumbling down and if you want to unravel the mess with the least hurt to all concerned then you do need to start making decisions.
I think it would be better to sort out what you want to do next first before you land a bombshell on your husband, especially with a child to consider.
I sympathize that you feel isolated and feel you can't talk to anyone.
Perhaps this is part of the problem. Is this the role that your affair colleague provided until recently? Your affair person sounds a bit like a confidential supportive best friend. Except he isn't really and now you say he is backing away. Only you can tell but for what its worth my advice would be to end it with him now so that you can exit with dignity before the end is forced apon you regardless and in what might turn out to be a very messy way, eg will this have an impact on you at work.
Its easy for an outside observer to say that, I know, but logically he is no longer fulfilling the function that attracted you to him in the first place. 1) he's no longer new and exciting 2) he's pulling away and if you don't take the hint you could get more hurt 3) you are overwhelmed with guilt and 4) it sounds like you feel that neither your husband or your affair partner are really there for you. So what will you do about that. 5) He's married with two children and has already told you very plainly that his loyality is to them.
Have you really given your husband a chance? It must have been hard for him to compete with the exciting colleague. Could you try to rebuild your marriage? Only you really know the answer to that and whether it is a realistic option.
An online forum is not really the best place for the reasons that several pps have already said, yet you need to sort this out quickly before it becomes more of a mess than it already is, so I hope you find a real life neutral person to talk to who can help you sort through this.

DealOrNoDeal80 · 02/03/2020 20:59

My advice - follow suit and be equally cold with him.
Affairs are always a roller coaster and there will be times when one of you starts to feel the pinch.
If he’s being more distant don’t chase him or panic, make him think you’re in the same place. If he wants you, he will come running.
If he doesn’t, then you know it’s time to end it anyway.

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