I need help - I've not spoke to anyone about this before

[Mummyabbie]

Hi,

I’ve never posted on here before, and not spoken to anyone about this before.....but I need some help.....I’m having an affair....

It started 8 months ago, I came back from maternity leave, and met someone new at work. There was an instant connection, and things progressed. We have been sleeping together for 3 months, and it has been full on. Chatting every day, meeting up at work for lunch. I am totally in love with him.

My relationship with my husband isn’t going well, it hasn’t for about 2 years (since our baby was born) and I were not in love with each other any more.

My relationship with my affair partner had started to change recently, and I am confused. He told me he loved me, and made me feel special. But I feel like he has started to take a more relaxed approach, stopped making effort with me, and making excuses why we can’t meet up.

I don’t know what to do, and think I’m getting depressed and upset and have nobody to talk to about any of this....

Thank you everyone, I have tears in my eyes just reading what you have all said. Just writing it all down and reading your replies has made me realise what I need to do. I think I'm going to seek some professional guidance and counselling going forward. I never in a million years thought I would be in this position. I have had a really confusing few years and need to focus on what it is I want in life and from a relationship. Thank you all for listening to me and answering me with your words of advice and suggestions

Some affairs have timelines, your OM maybe rethinking and backing off to fade from the affair. It happens and he may have re evaluated that his marriage is more important to him than he first thought. Let him go and think carefully how you proceed. Do not chase him or cause any problems. Go back and work on your marriage too, it can be saved if you go no contact with the OM.

Littlebird - you are probably right....however it makes me feel, I need to consider what he is feeling as well. I know how much his kids mean to him, and I wouldn't put anyone in a position where they need to decide between them and myself. I need to focus on my son and my feelings and have a difficult discussion with my own husband

I’d suggest to go no contact with the affair partner- it’s not going to be easy especially if you work together but it’s the only way to get your head straight and figure out what you want to do with your life.

Have you and the affair partner discussed the future at all?

Only discussions we have had have been that he doesn't love his wife and feels trapped because of the kids, we haven't had any chats about our future together. He did say to me the other night when I saw him he 'wished this was every night' and I said I feel the same - maybe this had scared him off....but he did say it first and I just smiled and said 'I feel the same'. I've not told him how I 100% feel about him, and have been keeping my cards to my chest until I work out what I want in my own life. It's not fair otherwise

If you were only together a few nights ago and he said this, what has he done to make you think he’s backing away? Since the affair has been going on for a while, like any relationship, maybe it’s just cooling off?

Either way, it’s a good chance to figure out what you want.

I think you’re overthinking it. Chill out.

You said you are feeling depressed. I don’t think this place will be good for you.

Can’t you speak confidentially to a close family member who you can trust? I’m sure they won’t agree with what you’ve done but they can help you through it and make the right decisions without making you feel even more down than you will be reading peoples comments on here.

Employers sometimes offer assistance programmes which include counselling. If your work offers something like this would you consider speaking to somebody through that? It is Often free and almost always anonymous

Why would he make an effort with you?

Isn't it one of the biggest clichés in the book when they say they are trapped by the wife and don't love them? SHortly followed by the assertion they aren't having sex with the wife.

Why did you believe him?

He isn't going to leave his wife for you. You need to sort out your own marriage, get out of it, and then work out why you had so little self esteem all you thought you were worthy of was a married man.

Stop deceiving your husband. Tell him and get out of your unhappy marriage.

The other bloke won't leave his wife for you, and would you want to be with someone like him? I wouldn't.

OP - I’m afraid you are absolutely in the midst of ‘affair fog’ - using the very unreal circumstances of your affair relationship to imagine how a fantasy might be lived. But it is all fantasy.

I’m assuming you didn’t have your crying baby child with you when you both imagined how ‘every night could be like this’ - because your child was being cared for by your poor unsuspecting husband.

You haven’t thought through how being step parent to OMs children will work out or dealing with his (ex) wife about their needs when he has access - when you have ‘every night together.’

Or the bitter custody battles, divorce proceedings and financial settlements that will preoccupy the evenings together in the real world.

You haven’t thought through how you will feel when your DH collects your baby child for weekend access - leaving you to clear up after OMs children’s visit.

What I’m saying is you’ve been enjoying a teenage dream that simply isn’t a reality. You have a husband and a very young child and OM has a wife and children. Think it through?

Is your OM really going to abandon his family and to be a step father to your child? You hardly know him yet! Perhaps your relationship has been shrouded in delicious secrecy and illicit sex. But it’s not the basis on which to judge any kind of future, or a good step father for your child. And yet you are lonely and you’ve become emotionally reliant on him - like a drug that starts off feeling wonderful- but you end up needing more for the same effect, and sacrificing even the most precious things in your life in pursuit of that wonderful first feeling you can’t seem to recapture. But all the while reality will creep up on you. What you’ve been doing and what it will mean for the people you’ve both betrayed.

I honestly don’t mean to be harsh but it does sound like you are just thinking and acting with a teenage cake eating brain - rather than facing the reality of your actual life.

I agree with other posters that the first year of a baby is really testing even for the strongest of relationships. However you have grown apart - you now need to think about what life will be like for you as a single parent with shared parenting responsibilities. Plan things out and move on. And maybe judge future partnerships on how they will fit with what you want for you and your child - not how it feels when you escape into fantasy without any responsibilities or commitments to other people.
I’d advise to start now looking at the real picture?

How are you doing OP?

Hi, thanks for everyone's comments.

It's been an emotional few days. I met up with the man I'm having an affair with on Monday and we chatted and chatted about everything. He is feeling really guilty about what he is doing to his family, and kids. And had called the whole thing off.

I'm not going to lie, it's been horrible, I haven't stopped getting upset and feel like I'm broken. On the other hand, I know it's for the best to move on in my life. I'm never going to do this again, ever. I need to focus on what it is me and my son needs, seek some professional help, and get my mental health back to where it needs to be.

Life isn't black and white and I don't know what the future holds for me, but I hope it's a happy one, or as happy as it can be. I wish that for everyone

OP definitely sort some counselling out ASAP. I’ve been there and counselling has helped massively to understand why I made certain choices and how I can choose differently going forward. I hope it works out for you.