Feel under pressure that DH expects me to fill too many roles

[Stripeyfrog]

I have been with DH for 20 years and we got together when I started working for his company.
Since then we married and have tween/teen DC.
When DC were little we agreed together I would be a SAHM but went back to work when they started school.
Since then I have done probably 95% of house work and dealt with school admin/childcare etc.
Recently I feel like DH seems to be stepping back or absolving himself of responsibility and wants me to be wife, mother, PA, business partner, cleaner and general skivvy.
At work although I work fewer hours he seems to be handing over more responsibilities, and I found things like making tax digital and workplace pensions really stressful to sort out. He doesnt get involved with any of that.
At home he couldnt tell you what class or year group DC are in and doesnt come to parents evenings.School emails come to our joint, and his personal email, but he doesnt read them or note any information. Every school holiday seems like a surprise and I arrange childcare.
At home he often says to me (or sometimes teen DD) "can you just look up xxx . " or "find out where xxx is " some piece of information that he could easily google or find out himself!
I suppose it really came home to me recently regarding 2 incidents. I had to make an appointment for the flu vaccination for youngest DS because I had missed the consent form for him to have at school. I know why I hadn't replied, because it was sent the week my DDad died at the end of last year. Dh was talking to his parents complaining about having to rearrange something due to the vaccination apt, and said "I dont know why we missed him having it at school"

Then at the weekend we got a fine from the congestion charge because I forgot to top up our account.AGain DH said "I dont understand why we didnt have enough on our account"
I know there are lots of super mums on MN and maybe I just need to buck up and get on with it but I feel like we're not working well as a team or partnership.
I did try raising it the other day saying I'm taking on more workload at work but nothing has changed at home and he mentioned "doing more with DC" but I think it was just to placate me. I know he will be really defensive if I raise it again, or just go into a sulk and not talk about it.
Any ideas on how to discuss without being nagging??

"if he does a crap job, oh well that's how it stays. If he doesn't do the task then leave it. If it wasn't important enough for him to do then it's not important enough for you to stress over."

weeeellllll -- yes and no.
DH was supposed to do the car insurance. He decided not to bother with anything other than the green slip (again, in Australia), which is compulsory - so when our car was stolen, we had no insurance.

As if that wasn't bad enough, he then let it lapse AGAIN (apart from the compulsory green slip, which I had thought was the same as basic 3rd party damage cover but no! It only covers personal injury insurance!) so when my handbrake slipped off and the car rolled into the back of the car parked in front, I had to pay for the damage because it wasn't fucking insured AGAIN.

So now I deal with all the insurance, because otherwise it doesn't fucking get done.

Thank you for all the replies.
looking back I suppose I probably did enable the situation as I was quite young with low self esteem when we got together, and he was financially better off than me so I think I did feel he had more say in things if that makes sense? But I feel like I have grown up and realised we are equals and that I dont want to be the junior in our relationship.
My DD is actually more assertive than me and tells him he can either do something himself, or asks how much she will be paid for it!
This morning I asked if "someone" could help unload the dishwasher. He immediately volunteered DD (which she questioned) so I asked him to feed the pets (which would never normally occur to him).He wasnt happy about it, and said it would make him late but did it anyway. (I hadn't actually realised the clock had stopped!)
I have started ignoring pointless questions that are easy for him to find the answer, and I often tell him I'm not his PA.
But I know I need to address it more openly - I already wrote (several months ago) all the "invisible" chores that I do, as well as the obvious ones, I'm just always finding excuses why it's not the right time to discuss it !

So many women choosing these pieces of shit to produce kids with and damage another generation. All these kids learning that men swagger about like King Cock, having their every whim pandered to, and the men actively couldn’t give less of a fuck about the kids they bred and treat the servile women with open contempt.

OP I expect he will deflect your bargaining and continue his behavioural choices, he’s hardly going to radically change who he fundamentally is and magically start treating women like equals, never mind with love and cherishment. Your kids are learning and being damaged by by their male parent every day.

Wow thumbwitches. Is he really worth it?

mumyoflittledragon that sounds very hard.
Would it be very unhelpful if I suggested rehoming the dog? You could at least tell dd you’ve made enquiries as she didn’t want it after all, and you can’t walk it so she clearly thinks her dad has to walk it - funny that, you thought she wasn’t keen on people in this house expecting her dad to do stuff.

I think one week you both need to write a list of all the things you do round the house that week, including how long it takes, and balance this with how many hours you work.

Then you need to delegate. Things like the congestion charge, council/car tax, organising presents and cards for his side of the family, some portion of kid related stuff. Explain exactly how you do it. Hand the job over to him from now on. And let him fail. If you don't let him do it wrong he won't learn how to do it right. When he does do it wrong don't lose your shit, just tell him to sort it out. Also, accept that his way of doing things might not be how you would approach it but as long as it gets done that is alright!

OP, hes a selfish twat, who thinks you are his work and home skivvy.
But you know this.

Whether he can change or want to is neither here nor there.

The stock answer to any question he asks about what, where or how anything that he can sort out is "I have no idea". On a loop.

When the penny drops, as it will, simply tell him, "I am tired of doing too much, this will be my answer to anything and everything from now on, until you step up".

And mean it.

Expect fury at your no longer fulfilling the role of life skivvy for him....but if you stick to your guns he will get the message that you mean business.

It would be good for your children seeing you stand up for yourself.

Wishing you well.

I wasn't arguing that OP should have to manage another adult, sizeablecontours. And yes of course he shouldn't need telling, but they have the pattern of OP has done everything, presumably to avoid conflict and, as you said, because it needs doing. But I bet there have been things she could have let go hang (especially his things) and let him feel the consequences. The pattern of their relationship isn't solely his responsibility. He's a lazy entitled bugger but she's enabled that.

Aye it's always the wife that has to change her behaviour isn't it?
In this case it has to be. There is nothing in it for him to change things - for 20 years he's got away with doing naff all and maybe she moans or "nags" from time to time, but he can tell her off for that and she'll wind her neck in again and back to normal. Where's his incentive? "Hmm, I have to do more boring stuff I don't want to do, and have less time to sit scratching my arse - tell me why I'd want to do that again?" She's the one who wants change.

OP, well done on getting him to do the pets this morning. Don't ask him or hint regarding chores, tho - this stuff is not optional - say "I'll wash, you dry", "I'll iron, you fold", "I'll tidy the living room, you cook" etc etc. Don't nag, don't plead, don't hint - he pulls his weight, the end.

Aye it's always the wife that has to change her behaviour isn't it?¨*

In this case it has to be.

Well I suppose what I am saying Category12 is that if a bloke just abdicates responsibility from family chores, even though his wife is working f/t too, then however much the wife nags and protests and goes on strike, the bloke probably won't change. Because it's not a case that they don't get it, and don't understand the need, it's because they don't want to do it and they have deliberately avoided doing it (in this case for over a decade if I have read the thread correctly). So any amount of nagging or striking won't work.

So when the wife goes on strike - the result is not that he suddenly steps up - it's that nothing gets done. And that starts to negatively affect the dc.

I suggested that the op writes everything down on a list and she has done so but hasn't presented it to her oh because she never thinks it is the right moment. That leads me to think she knows in her heart that there will never be a right moment ...because he won't change.

I very much hope I am wrong op and your dh will step up, but I think (being very blunt) you either have to work out whether the situation is bad enough to split up over, or get him to pay for a cleaner. Sorry if that seems bleak but I have seen this situation in a dozen or so couples around my age and ime the bloke very rarely changes.

I'm sorry you are having to wrestle with this unfair situation op and hope you can find a satisfactory resolution soon

Which is also pretty much what I'm saying.

Aye it's always the wife that has to change her behaviour isn't it?

You can't change someone else's behaviour, only your own. So yes, if she wants change, she has to change.

I would be absolutely raging. You're personal servant

I almost feel sorry for guys like this - for years and years, their partners do everything, tolerate a completely unfair division of labour and mental load - and then later on they suddenly wake up to it and start trying to change things.

The poor lambs

I was in the same situation. When I was working part-time I was doing most of the house work, I didn't mind that. Then I started working full-time and I was still doing everything around the house. I didn't have time to watch TV in the evening and my husband was watching TV all evening. I became resentful and told him that he had to take responsibility for something and gave him a choice of cooking dinner or walking the dog or cleaning. His choice was cooking. He has been doing it for 3 years now. I hardly ever go food shopping, don't think what's for dinner. And we can watch TV together in the evening.
Can your husband choose something to do regularly to make your life easier?

I did say almost .

I think we (as in society) bring up girls wrongly a lot of the time: with low self esteem and no idea how to advocate for themselves.

And they seem grateful to be in relationships and it's "all hail the great cock" and running round after him, protecting his precious ego, and putting him first over herself.

And then you get a few years down the line and the shine wears off, and there are kids who are more important, and she's older and has come into her own a bit, and she realises it's unfair and unbalanced and she's doing the donkey work without recognition. And he's suddenly no longer the Prince. So it's a big fucking shock to him, and yeah, while he never should have accepted all her labour in complacency, I do feel almost sorry for them about the (to them) sudden shifting of goalposts.

Apologies for not sticking to a pronoun in that ^

This will all come as a massive shock to him. He's been plodding along for years in his happy bubble, not realising there's a problem.

You need to write down all the daily, weekly and monthly tasks and the divvy them up between you both. I can't stress enough it that it needs to be fair. Don't take on more just because he's not done it before.

He then has one chance to step up, you need to be completely honest with him in that you're at breaking point.

He has this chance to grow up. He's a fully functioning adult at work so he can do it at home

Plus just stop answering him.

Where's my water bottle
'I don't know'

Why wasn't there enough money to pay the toll charge
'Because you didn't too it up'

Why do I have to rearrange my diary because dc has a gp appointment
'Because you didn't organise it for a convenient time'