Feel under pressure that DH expects me to fill too many roles

[Stripeyfrog]

I have been with DH for 20 years and we got together when I started working for his company.
Since then we married and have tween/teen DC.
When DC were little we agreed together I would be a SAHM but went back to work when they started school.
Since then I have done probably 95% of house work and dealt with school admin/childcare etc.
Recently I feel like DH seems to be stepping back or absolving himself of responsibility and wants me to be wife, mother, PA, business partner, cleaner and general skivvy.
At work although I work fewer hours he seems to be handing over more responsibilities, and I found things like making tax digital and workplace pensions really stressful to sort out. He doesnt get involved with any of that.
At home he couldnt tell you what class or year group DC are in and doesnt come to parents evenings.School emails come to our joint, and his personal email, but he doesnt read them or note any information. Every school holiday seems like a surprise and I arrange childcare.
At home he often says to me (or sometimes teen DD) "can you just look up xxx . " or "find out where xxx is " some piece of information that he could easily google or find out himself!
I suppose it really came home to me recently regarding 2 incidents. I had to make an appointment for the flu vaccination for youngest DS because I had missed the consent form for him to have at school. I know why I hadn't replied, because it was sent the week my DDad died at the end of last year. Dh was talking to his parents complaining about having to rearrange something due to the vaccination apt, and said "I dont know why we missed him having it at school"

Then at the weekend we got a fine from the congestion charge because I forgot to top up our account.AGain DH said "I dont understand why we didnt have enough on our account"
I know there are lots of super mums on MN and maybe I just need to buck up and get on with it but I feel like we're not working well as a team or partnership.
I did try raising it the other day saying I'm taking on more workload at work but nothing has changed at home and he mentioned "doing more with DC" but I think it was just to placate me. I know he will be really defensive if I raise it again, or just go into a sulk and not talk about it.
Any ideas on how to discuss without being nagging??

So for the little things you need to become unhelpful as at the moment if you do them for him or answer the question you're enabling him. Answer with complete silence, a shrug of the shoulder or 'I don't know'.

For the bigger things I think you're going to have to have a serious sit down conversation and discuss pressing the reset button on division of responsibilities.

OP the last case scenario anyone wants is for you to quit any of these roles, but you do need to step back a bit. If he can’t understand the emotional side make it like a business proposal, you need an assistant at work to help with the admin, the cost will be an initial outlay but the company will gain due to less errors due to oversight.

But you do also need to tell him how you feel alongside this, and since he’s a businessman put him on a warning that if he doesn’t make changes you will

"Hey DH, it's the Easter holidays month. You need to sort childcare - I'm too busy."
"Hey DH, be home at 4pm tonight - it's parents evening."
"Hey DH, I haven't had time to vacuum the stairs. Can you do it on Saturday?"

It's been 20 years - you'll need to start by delegating but he'll soon learn.
Only tell him about things that impact you both, too.
Anything that'll only impact his are his responsibility.

Perhaps you can use the week the DDad died as an example of how checked out he is. Sit him down and tell him you're becoming increasingly disillusioned with his idea of marriage and partnership. Point out that he should really be reading things in the joint email account anyway so that he knows what is going on gneerally, but because he has checked out it didn't even occur to him that there was stuff that needed doing that you weren't really fit for and that he let you down that week and continues to do so. Point out that not coming to parents eveing is just piss poor for a dad who isn't physically unable to be there. And that he's started to treat you as a skivvy and general dogsbody (water bottle example is good here) and you aren't prepared to live like that.

Changing jobs is probably a good idea. It will be easier than trying to tackle his attitude at work and at home and it creates a clear signal of change, disrupts routines, etc.

ModalCitizen and other PP are right - this will be a difficult. It's gone on so long that it's an ingrained habit for both of you. It may be more work at first to call him out on it/hold firm but that is part of what it will take.

And next time he says "I don't know why x happened." Say "Because you didn't sort it when it needed doing."

Talking at him won't get you anywhere, it will sound like nagging to him and also he has been so sheltered by you from the reality of adulting that he really won't have a clue what you are talking about.
Instead you need to change your behaviour.
Start delegating to him. Then don't interfere with the task, if he does a crap job, oh well that's how it stays. If he doesn't do the task then leave it. If it wasn't important enough for him to do then it's not important enough for you to stress over.
Limit your own responsibilities at home. Are the teens picking up their share of jobs? They need to learn how to do their own washing, ironing, lunches, Don't behave like a doormat or hotel staff and people won't treat you as one.
When you are asked where is my x y z don't go rushing off to find it. If you know where it is share that info but let him be his own person and find it...
Likewise at work, if he wants to behave as the employer, then you should behave as the employee... When there is a difficult task to tackle in addition to your usual role, ask him to explain how, send him all the enquiries or problems to resolve, ask his advice constantly. Say you can deal with x but then he will need to pick up y.
Don't be a martyr.

I think it’s time to lose your shit. You have been far to reasonable for far too long, and the more he can shove your way and you take from him, the more he will keep putting your way. When a situation like this comes about, I totally lose it. It may not be the most grown up solution but it makes family (especially husband). take notice.

I have one of these. He's actually worse than either of my SEND children.

I've been doing more of the above - batting the questions right back to him, often in a sarcastic tone. Not picking up after him but pointedly having the kids and myself pick up after ourselves with vocal commentary about how we ALL have to do our bit. Not reminding him of things he should be remembering on his own (andaking sure his family know I'm not his fucking PA so if they don't get a card or call, it's his fault but mine).

Harsh but necessary. I feel he only wants me so he's mothered. Don't worry, I have a future exit plan. I'm biding my time and if it doesn't improve by a particular point then I'm off.

I almost feel sorry for guys like this - for years and years, their partners do everything, tolerate a completely unfair division of labour and mental load - and then later on they suddenly wake up to it and start trying to change things.

I have increasingly had this issue with my dh. My situation is somewhat different in that I’m disabled, have slow recovery from 2 big surgeries and am chronically ill. Since before Christmas he’s done pretty much bugger all at the weekend. He works in a full on job. I am way too ill to work.

This time of year is very hard on my body. Instead of stepping up, dh has lazed in bed, watched copious amounts of football and if I’ve complained he’s gone ape or told me I should be grateful it isn’t golf. If he’s done anything it has been on his terms such taken dd out for the day to see a football match - in the private expensive bit, bells and whistles.

By the end of last week I was on my knees. I’m talking depleting my energy resources to zero, been regularly collapsing plus starting to get non epileptic seizures that I hadn’t has since before the surgeries. I had a panic attack on Thursday. He was like wood. We’ve been having the conversation for weeks that I need help from, I’m not coping. His response has been I do nothing, all he wants from me is to do stuff. He is my slave and resource. Generally being really really vile and going on about how he’s out of the house for 50 hours. He does do more than your dh I’m sure as I’m disabled. Still I manage somehow to make dinner for dd, food at the weekend and maybe 3 times a week in the evening for him (he likes to cook for himself) and both their packed lunches, and do a lot of the life stuff. He does the paperwork as my brain cannot function well enough (brain fog).

Cruelly he left me stuck on the floor Thursday in a panicked mess for about 10 mins before helping me to the sofa (both unable to lie down, stand up or talk). On Friday I went absolutely ape shit at him. I told him he needed to stop playing football on Saturdays, which went down like a lead balloon. (Dd (11) btw has been copying him, refusing to help with the puppy she begged to have and saying I don’t care about dh, I think he’s my slave etc. He didn’t pull her up on it either.)

I then told him if he didn’t want to stop playing, he had to get up and walk the dogs before football and do things not just for himself all the time. That day I wrote him an email stating what I need help with. I made it quite positive, flattering his strengths (he’s such a child) then listed everything I do regularly including all the physio I have etc. I totted this up to around 40 hours. This doesn’t include ad hoc things like family holidays, school holidays, Christmas etc.

Saturday and Sunday he got up early and walked the dogs. He made a fair stab at doing things although he did get pissed off at me as well. I think there’s a base to work on though. He’s so angry. Probably because he’s stuck with an ill wife instead of the fun one he married.

I know this is really long. But I wanted to give you context that sometimes life has to hit crisis point for these rigid men to see what is in front of their eyes.

Oh and get a cleaner for starters!!

I had this issue where I was taking on so much and was permanently exhausted. When I spoke to DH about it to ask him to help out more he said I needed to be more efficient!!! MORE EFFICIENT!!!

So I did the opposite. I started being more useless at his stuff. Stop organising his stuff. Stop taking up his slack. Say no. Shrugging. Sorry, too busy. Ask someone else. Once you start, it's lovely. Things are much better now.

Go on strike for a couple of days

God he sounds awful. What do you get from this relationship ?!?! Stop doing everything except the bare minimum. Then tell him to buck up
His ideas or you’re gone

Get yourself a job outside the family business and let him replace you.

That will give you more job security and make him have a business relationship with his employee.

I would also be tempted to go away and leave him to it - although if he's like my Ex he will think he's "done it all" when there are major failures (in my case the most vulnerable member of the family phoning me as they weren't getting any dinner due to a dislike of Pizza).

I don't understand why you've been doing this all these years.

Your default responses need to be "you tell me?" when he asks where something is and "why is it my job?" when he complains that something hasn't been done.

Write a list of every single thing you do every day. Get each member of your family to do the same and use all the lists as the basis of your discussion. Have a family meeting and use the list to divide up responsibilities equally between all of you. Don't get caught out having to manage and organise it though op, make it clear to everyone that they have to step up and take responsibility for their tasks independently of anyone else.

I love the way pps are blaming the op, asking why she has done what she has, and saying she has created this man-boy.

No she has not! Man boy has eyes, ears, two hands, a brain, and personal freedom to make his own choices, just as we all do. He has chosen to take a back seat. He has chosen to let his wife struggle on doing everything. He has chosen to be a negligent father. Not doing things is a choice too.

She has helped create the situation by tolerating it this long.

It's unrealistic to think that after 20 years of this, he's going to quietly adapt to doing more. As far as he's concerned it's worked fine like this for years, and now she wants to change his life for the worse. No way is he going to do that without squealing like a stuck pig about it.

@sizeablecontours while that is true, the OP now wants to effect change. She can't make her dh do anything. But she has control over her actions.

'He has chosen to take a back seat' : let him take a turn driving. If you don't give up the seat no one else can get into it. Or should op passively wait to be asked. Because that isn't going to happen. He probably doesn't even realise that there are gears and indicators and mirrors and etc etc....

'He has chosen to let his wife struggle on doing everything'. So stop struggling to do everything. Leave his share for him to struggle with. Sympathise with him on the burden but don't behave like his mother. Again he isn't going to ask to do this stuff because he probably has no clue it even exists or is needed.

'He has chosen to be a negligent father' . So stop covering up for him and filling in the gaps in his relationships. Leave them for him to explain and for him realise. If he doesn't then it isn't for poor OP to pretend to be what he isn't.

I disagree. The op, like other responsible parents, has been doing all the stuff because it needs doing. Because she cares whether her DC have decent packed lunches, clean sheets and appropriate gym kit or whatever. It is not her responsibility to manage another able adult who lives in the same house.

I don't understand why you've been doing this all these years

I'm sure it's crept up on her. And she's been trained over time. Two big red flags are her saying about not wanting to nag and that he will sulk.
She's obviously internalised the idea from him that asking a perfectly reasonable request from one adult to the other is nagging. It's a great way to shame a woman into doing everything. If he sulks every time she tries to bring up why he can't do something himself, so she ends up doing it herself because it's just easier and because it's just x, y or z. But that slowly creeps in to being everything drudgey and domesticated.

It also doesn't help that she started off their relationship as his employee and he's never really shifted that mindset.

OP you're worth a lot more than this. You're obviously a very valuable part of his business as well as his wife. But you deserve to be treated better than just as his employee. And his passive-aggressive shit of complaining about stuff not having been done (cos that's what it is: a deliberate dig) is absolutely rage-inducing. I don't know whether it's possible for him to change. I haven't succeeded in changing my version, although he does much more than he used to, he still hasn't changed his mindset. Because deep down, he doesn't really think he should have to do it and doesn't really appreciate what I do because he just thinks I'm doing my 'job' so he has the right to complain about it not being done to his standard.

Sorry, my previous reply was to Category12

I agree with a lot of what you are saying Sillyscrabblegames but any decent husband and father would have stepped up in the first place. I don't think the op should be blamed for his defects.

Sorry the truth hurts, women do enable this kind of behaviour and it takes determination to change the dynamic, starting with yourself.

I don't think this is about blame. This is about changing things. Blaming won't motivate either the op or her dh or her teens to do anything! But op does have a lot of power to change things

Btw, I think the pp's suggestion about getting a different job might really help the dynamic here op.

I work for my DH and have to give him a sharp reminder sometimes that he is not my boss when we are at home!

Aye it's always the wife that has to change her behaviour isn't it?

I agree it's about change. The op is already doing her part.