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Original poster

Differing social life expectations

31 replies

Rockylove · 02/03/2020 15:15

DP and I have been together 18months, no kids and don't live together.

Feeling a bit down in the relationship recently as I feel he doesn't have much time for me. He is often busy during the week at football, sports training or out with work mates. Then on a weekend he is out at football or cricket all day Saturday and Sunday mornings he is at sports training too. I do a couple of social activities in the week too but only 1/2 nights a week and am free all weekend. I just feel like I get squeezed into his schedule based around sport/his social events and while I understand the importance of having your own space it gets me down that I am constantly second choice. It would be nice for him to plan sport around me for once instead of the other way round.

He has compromised and doesn't go to some sporting fixtures that he would do usually and away games are not as frequent (still goes to most) but will not miss anything else. He has said he will not miss cricket for holidays and we can't plan any days out or weekends away when football home games or cricket is on. I have tried to talk to him about this but his answer is i'm not giving up my hobbies and you just need to accept how much I do and put up with it. If not you can find another boyfriend. I see him once a week, maybe twice if i'm lucky/I compromise my plans but I feel the less time we spend together the more we will drift apart romantically and just become good friends. Moving in together is not an option right now and we have even stopped staying over at each other's houses due to a bit of a rocky patch.

Is it normal for a partner to do this much social stuff and for me to feel like this? I don't want to appear a control freak or controlling but I love our time together and just wish we could have more of it!!

OP posts:
Erniethefastestmilkman · 02/03/2020 15:21

It seems he’s give you the answer to your question already! Either put up with it or find another boyfriend. I’d say you need to make the choice which suits you and your needs.

YouCannotBeeSerious · 02/03/2020 15:22

You're an accessory to his life, not an integral part of his life. The fact he says you can go elsewhere should tell you all you need to know.

Bin him off, better for you in the long run.

SurpriseSparDay · 02/03/2020 15:27

Why do you keep calling him your ‘partner’ when you are clearly not? Convenient, optional girlfriend is what you are to him.

Not wanting to be harsh but open your eyes and listen to what he’s said. He’s not interested in a closer or more committed relationship with you. If that’s what you want you do need to look elsewhere.

FawnDrench · 02/03/2020 15:54

You just seem like an occasional, mildly pleasant diversion from his all-consuming hobbies.
He sounds like he isn't really that into you and definitely doesn't intend to change his behaviour or lifestyle to accommodate your wishes or desires.

There must be someone else for you surely...

farthingwood5 · 02/03/2020 15:56

I married someone like this and he hasn’t changed. We now have two children and he won’t give anything up for them either. My advice (I have learned the hard way) don’t have kids with him, you’ll be on your own all the time.

Gutterton · 02/03/2020 15:57

He’s a man’s man. He gets all of his emotional fulfilment from sporting activities with other men. He only uses you for sex.

If that doesn’t suit you (it wouldn’t suit me) - move on swiftly and don’t look back.

He will not change - more likely get worse.

I have seen loads of men like this who spend all of their time on their sports and hobbies and it is hideous for their wives and children.

LukeSkywalkingOnTheseHaters · 02/03/2020 15:59

Get rid of him, you'll find someone else you get on with who has more time and sees you more than once a week.

Divebar · 02/03/2020 16:00

I have tried to talk to him about this but his answer is i'm not giving up my hobbies and you just need to accept how much I do and put up with it. If not you can find another boyfriend

Sorry OP. He told you very very clearly....you’re not a priority.

BeroccaFiend · 02/03/2020 16:03

I have tried to talk to him about this but his answer is i'm not giving up my hobbies and you just need to accept how much I do and put up with it. If not you can find another boyfriend

I think you already have your answer, OP. Move on, and find the person you deserve who will find you more interesting than football.

Also, are you both very young? Because his social life sounds like that of someone who only socialises with other men who are either not in serious relationships/married, and who don't have children. It will almost certainly come to pass within a few years that at least some of his gang/s will start to marry and have children, and will no longer function as it does now.

But as a pp noted, it's interesting that you call him your partner, when there's no indication that that's how he sees himself. I would see a once (or sometimes twice) a week relationship as way less than ''partner' status.

LemonTT · 02/03/2020 16:03

People and couples are all different. But most couples find time to spend together. Usually more than one evening a week when dating. But a few people are only able to willing to commit limited amounts of time.

These activities and interests are part of his life and he won’t give them up. Not for you. He knows what he wants. He’s sticking to it and will continue to do so if you move in together.

Unless you are happy with this and being on your own, this doesn’t sound right for you.

He won’t change, even if you have children. You need to stop expecting and hoping for this with him.

BeroccaFiend · 02/03/2020 16:07

Also, OP, I think your title minimises the situation it's not that you have 'different social life expectations', it's you have different expectations of the relationship and life stages - basically, you see it as a far more serious thing than he does. For him, you're an occasional change of scene from his all-male social/sport schedule, for you he's your 'partner' and you've been at least thinking about moving in together. He's on a completely different page. Or a different book altogether.

Gutterton · 02/03/2020 16:08

He has told you repeatedly in his words and actions what his priorities are and where you stand. Don’t get angry with him - he is being open and honest at least - just understand that you are not compatible.

You are absolutely not controlling and you feel bad because he doesn’t meet your emotional needs and has made it clear that he won’t.

Take some responsibility for your own happiness. Move on.

DICarter1 · 02/03/2020 16:12

@Gutterton summed it up well.

My dh is a bit like this. He’s sports obsessed. Beware it will only get worse and will cause massive friction and issues if you have children.

Personally I’d be re-thinking the entire relationship. Personal time and hobbies are important but it does sound like you’re an accessory to his life.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/03/2020 16:13

I also think you need to move on. He's told you he won't change his hobbies and habits for you.

And the bit about 'Put up with it or find another boyfriend' well, that's just charming and tells you exactly who he is.

I suggest you take his word for it. Sorry, but there are better men out there. Flowers

boopboo · 02/03/2020 16:14

Why would he even want a girlfriend and based on your post, I’m actually intrigued as to how you even met??!! He’s always busy. Did you happen to be at a cricket match one day? This type of partner wouldn’t suit me at all. When do you get time to veg on the sofa on a Saturday afternoon/eve, eating Maltesers and binge watching Netflix until the early hours under a duvet? For me, being able to hang all weekend (not every but at least once a month) and order in and just be couch potatoes is a sign that I could be with somebody long term in life. I could go to sporting events with anyone. It’s the indoors dynamic that’s important and you’re not getting to test him out at all. You’ve got an AWOL boyfriend! I’d say you’ll be most happy finding somebody who is more compatible to you. You’ve only invested 18 months so far. Time to move on. He’s not in the same place as you and I’d personally say he’s going to find himself pretty lonely in 10 years time when all the good ones are gone (like you) because he’s spent all his time watching blokes and their balls.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2020 16:16

He has made it crystal clear that you will always come in second, third, fourth place. Is this really the kind of relationship you want? It's time to raise your standards.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2020 16:20

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I fail to see what you are getting out of this. The fact too you are still clinging on in spite of what he has told you shows me also how low your relationship bar is.

Be someone else's priority here rather than a mere diversion or option to this man. Someone more suited to you is out there.

midwestspring · 02/03/2020 16:25

Find someone who wants to prioritize being with you.
Otherwise you will end up living with someone who uses you for sex, housework and child rearing.

boopboo · 02/03/2020 16:37

and actually “find another boyfriend” is very condescending and rude. Not sure how you can even find him attractive after that! It’s like saying you’re that desperate for a bloke that you’ll put up with whatever scraps he chucks your way! You don’t actually need a boyfriend. You could get rid of this fella and do some hobbies you enjoy and meet somebody that way. Just build up your own social life. It’s a very bad idea to try and build a life with somebody like this. You’re going to be permanently lonely. You might as well be single because you’ll feel that way for life! Imagine if you had kids and you’re left on your own with them all weekend year after year! No no no.....you know you have to dump him surely? In a years time you’ll wonder why you even put up with it for so long!

olivehater · 02/03/2020 17:04

I went out with a guy like this. I came second to everything. In the end he broke up with me when I put my foot down. I am glad because I met someone who did want to spend time with me and move his life around a bit for me and sees me as his partner not his accessory to fit in when it suits. If you have children with him in them future has he said he is willing to drop some of hobbies then? If not run for the hills as your life will be holding the baby while he carries on as normal .

Original poster
Rockylove · 02/03/2020 17:55

Thanks all, nice to know im not being completely unreasonable and uptight.
He has said he will adapt if kids come along but i dont necessarily believe that right now.
We are young in late 20's and met online.
He is so funny and thoughtful wheb we are together but unfortunately we just dont get much time together. His friends are married off and some with kids but just seems to be the norm that they all leave wives with kids while they play sport. Ive not grown up in that environment at all.
He hates it when i tell him i feel sport is his priority and i am only second best but it is the truth.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/03/2020 18:06

Don't waste another second of your youth on him. If you want a happy marriage and children as a part of your future, you'll move on and quickly.

DICarter1 · 02/03/2020 19:58

Oh god if his friends with kids are also heavily into sport still you can bet he’ll follow suit. Personally I’d move on and meet someone who does want to be with you. I have a sports obsessed dh. It doesn’t get any better.

MingVase · 02/03/2020 20:06

OP if he can’t ‘adapt’ now to keep a relationship, there’s absolutely no reason to expect any different if he had children. In fact, it would be insanely risky to have a child with a dinosaur who thinks it’s normal for men to be out doing/watching sports while the little women bustle about at home looking after the children.

TheTiaraManager · 02/03/2020 23:12

I've dated a guy like this, they do not change! End it and find someone who will have you as a priority and still have hobbies by balancing their time

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