Help with 11 year old daughter please?

[Daisy4877]

Hi me and my partner have 6 children we have been together for nearly 14 years and have a good relationship , Recently though our relationship has been tough me and my partner have managed to sort it out and everything has been great. Now we have an 11 year old daughter who has had sex education at school last year and since having it she has turned into a different person. We have always been open to our children about sex and relationships as my mum never was with me . The problem is our daughter wont even hear the word sex or condoms or anything mentioned she gets panicky almost like a panic attack . Its got to the point now where if me and her dad are left alone in the same room for even 30 seconds she comes in and starts crying that we were going to have sex its now starting to cause a strain on our relationship because she just wont let us spend time together let alone have sex , my partner(her dad) is so stressed and depressed because we just cant do anything. Last night we sent the kids to bed normal time tv was turned off at normal time my eldest and second eldest who is 9 lights out tv off at 10.00 . All was quiet for well over an hour so me and my partner went to bed and had sex , However half way throught my 11 year old decided to barge right into our room and saw us we jumped up shocked ! She then ran out and ran back to her room histerically crying and was crying so much she hyperventillated o calmed her down finally and started to talk to her about what had happened she was calling us disgusting , freaks , bad parents and that we should never ever be having sex atall and that she doesnt want us to and that she is now scarred for life and thats mine and her dads fault. The children know to knock before entering our room but she just didnt seem to care atall its almost like she knew we were going to have sex and stayed up just to catch us !! This whole thing has been going on since she had sex education at school although its the first time that she has barged in on us. I really just dont know what to do with her and this almost obsession with me and her dad being alone!! Her dad is so fed up with it now he doesnt want to be around her and im so stuck as i just dont know what to do no matter how much i try and tell her mummys and daddys need to spend time together and that its a natural thing she just doesnt listen or care it really feels as if shes trying to force us apart. I love her i love all my children to death but i really just dont know what to do with her anymore anf its breaking my heart. She is a lovely girl however her actual behaviour is terrible shes rude, nasty, vicious and says some awful things to me her dad and her siblings she even worse when she cant get her own way she will scream the house down and chuck things. I just need advice as im getting to my witts end with it all now . Sorry for the essay.

I Just dont know what to do anymore...

Oh dear this does sound like hard work and as if she is trying to force you apart. Do you do much together as a family ? Do you have one on one time with her ? Just wondering if its all attention seeking .

I would speak to her GP about it I think. Her reaction is extreme and it sounds like she needs help.

We do family time and me and their dad give them all one on one time . I thought it could be attention seeking at first but they all have attention , i also thought maybe it was her age and hormones but it just doesnt make sence her reactions to anything sex wise. Its draining . She can act like a very spoilt child to get what she wants , She even said she was going to tell my partners mum that we were having sex!!

Its almost as if she has a phobia of sex , from the moment she came home from school having had her sex education she said she was never going to have a relationship or have sex as it is wrong and sex was not normal or right. Apparently she had 1 lesson a 30 min film in class and then they named body parts and that was it..

Lock on your bedroom door.
She’s hardly a lovely girl when she’s being abusive to everyone and being manipulative and controlling.
Time for some hard rules and consequences, she’s not the boss!!

OK well from a practical perspective put a lock on your bedroom door and make sure that she can't hear you since that can be really disturbing for children. If necessary put music on or something if you can't be quiet enough.

But whilst I think many children of this age start to get a bit funny about sex as they become aware of it and aware of their own changing bodies and feelings (DS2 is the same and hides if anyone kisses on Tv at the moment), her reaction is very far from normal. I would be concerned and seeking help. I hate to ask but has she had an experience of her own which is worrying her and which she needs to discuss with you? She obviously views sex as a very negative thing not something lovely done between two people who love one another.

Put a lock on the bloody door.
She's probably worried you're going to have more children.

We have a lock on the bedroom door however it was so late last night around 11:30 we assumed she had gone to sleep as there was no noise no getting out of bed for well over an hour. She has gone through phases of being nasty and horrible and then turns into a totally different loving child for a few weeks. I know all children once they learn about sex and relationships get abit funny and embarassed , However like we have all said it seems extreme. My children tell me everything thats how they were brought up to never fell sad or worried about something and that talking about a problem really helps and makes you feel much better again something i never had when i was younger. Im certain shes not had an experiance of any kind however she has been bullied on and off at school for years and ive always been down the school straight away getting it sorted out as i was bullied so bad i actually didnt finish secondary school. Ine of her friends at school who is a boy has told her recently he has a crush on her and she admitted she liked him too which is odd as she has said for months she was never going to have a relationship. She doesnt really have friends and im not 100% sure why but kne thing i have noticed is she gets extremely obsessed with things almost like ocd and when she does kick off they turn into fullblown meltdowns! She has been to the doctors a few times regarding her behaviour as i was certain she was autistic but they told me it was just her hormones and her age .

Sounds like she is worrying massively about puberty and all that she thinks it entails.
You can raise your dc to talk to you about everything, but that doesn't mean that they will - some children will keep things to themselves more than others.

I agree they may not tell me everything but my daughtet has always been the same shes very childish its like she does not deal with anything well atall , She is great at school always has the awards shes always in sports competitions and does amazing well at everything she does.

When I had sex education at school around the same age, the way it was taught is its wrong, it’s dirty, it’s only for marriage.
It was a catholic primary school. Not quite nuns-strict but ALL about the guilt! I went to a regular comprehensive afterwards which settled my views somewhat, but it sounds like it has been taught that it’s wrong.
Are you in contact with any of her friends parents from the same school? How did their kids take it?

Her dad actually said that it was being taught it was wrong to have sex , there was nothing about contraception atall either which i found bad. My daughter doesnt really have alot of friend friends but i do know a few girls decided they didnt want to do the sex education topic at school and so when the time came they were sent out of the classroom to do other work . I know from what my daughter said that the boys found it hilarious and just made jokes about the vagina but to be honest boys do so that did not surprise me , She did say that her and 2 of the girls she was sat with found it not only cringy but extremely uncomfortable to watch

Is she worried you’re going to get pregnant again OP? You said you’ve had 6 kids in the space of 14 years, that’s a lot of kids to look after so maybe your DD is afraid more will come along. You say you both have one on one with them all, but that sounds rather difficult with 6 to look after.

Infact that is what she wants she wants another brother as we have 5 girls and 1 boy!! Which again is odd considering the whole sex thing and she onviously knows having sex makes babies. And one on one is easy we have it as a sort of routine my partner works fulltime and has the weekends off so a few hours each one on one and then some family time like bowling , swimming , theme park , beach , watching a movie with popcorn and munchies

Could it have triggered a memory for her of an inappropriate sexual experience maybe ?

If she hasn’t been taught about contraception, then as far as she knows you two will have sex and along will come a baby. And if she has sex, she will also have a baby. Which is true if there’s no way of preventing it. The only way she knows to prevent it is not to have sex.

@Fidgety31 this was my first thought too, maybe she experienced something that at the time she didn't realise was inappropriate until the sex education class

Nothing that ive been made aware of however i will be having a talk with her when shes home from school to double check . And yes the sex education at the school didnt include contraception so once i was aware of that i explained to her all the different types what they do it was just a shock how unaware she was even after the sex education. Shes very open so its all very odd after reading some forums though this morning there are a number i found that behaved the same way or just totally avoided the whole thing sadly a few parent relationships ended and some it was just a very odd phase!!

I would hope your GP can arrange some counselling - I agree with PP on seeking some help from them.

Did ALL the behavioural issues start after the sex ed lesson(s) at school? Or was she already starting to be rude and it’s just got worse?

Might be worth arranging to see her school head of year and seeing if she reacted in some way during the lesson itself. Or if her behaviour has deteriorated at school as well as at home.

I'm just curious about how 'open' you are about sex with your children. It's interesting that she is determined to control your sex life. That makes me wonder if she's experienced or heard something that has made her concerned about your ability to maintain boundaries about your own sex life. Because that's not her job, that's ours as parents. Is there anyone else she could talk to about this?

Not all behaviour issues no shes always been a screamy shouty child like she knows what she wants and will get it. Only the whole sex thing started after the sex education but we had talked about babies and sex before she had the sex education and it never bothered her . Im now wondering if it was the actual film they showed them as like i said we had tslked about sex and all that comes with a long time before she had the sex ed. We actually had parents evening last weds and she is one of the brightest , hardworking children in year 6 she has always done amazing at school and sports .

Ok let me get this clear we are not open about "our sex life" but sex as a subject of life and how its a natural thing that people do to show love . Tmi but in the last 12 months we have had sex 3 times due to my partner being depressed and when we have had sex the children have been either asleep or at their nan and grandads for the weekend , with 6 kids you dont get the chance to do it whenever or whereever u want and we always very quiet as i would hate for anyone let alone my children to hear us! I heard my mum when i was younger and it freaked me out for a long time after

I would want to know exactly which film they have been shown and what has been said during that session..

I am wondering if there wasn’t Something about the penis going into vagina and this freaked her out. See what has freaked HER out. She must be able to say more than ‘it’s disgusting’.

But most importantly I think you need to talk about sex as a way love someone, that It is a normal and pleasurable thing to do and that’s she will always have the choice to say NO if she isn’t keen.

You mentioned autism earlier. Were you happy with the doctor's dismissal of this? If not it might be something you'd want to follow up with the school. When I had concerns about autism with one of mine we were referred to a paediatrician, it wasn't just a GP who decided.