Help with 11 year old daughter please?

[Daisy4877]

Hi me and my partner have 6 children we have been together for nearly 14 years and have a good relationship , Recently though our relationship has been tough me and my partner have managed to sort it out and everything has been great. Now we have an 11 year old daughter who has had sex education at school last year and since having it she has turned into a different person. We have always been open to our children about sex and relationships as my mum never was with me . The problem is our daughter wont even hear the word sex or condoms or anything mentioned she gets panicky almost like a panic attack . Its got to the point now where if me and her dad are left alone in the same room for even 30 seconds she comes in and starts crying that we were going to have sex its now starting to cause a strain on our relationship because she just wont let us spend time together let alone have sex , my partner(her dad) is so stressed and depressed because we just cant do anything. Last night we sent the kids to bed normal time tv was turned off at normal time my eldest and second eldest who is 9 lights out tv off at 10.00 . All was quiet for well over an hour so me and my partner went to bed and had sex , However half way throught my 11 year old decided to barge right into our room and saw us we jumped up shocked ! She then ran out and ran back to her room histerically crying and was crying so much she hyperventillated o calmed her down finally and started to talk to her about what had happened she was calling us disgusting , freaks , bad parents and that we should never ever be having sex atall and that she doesnt want us to and that she is now scarred for life and thats mine and her dads fault. The children know to knock before entering our room but she just didnt seem to care atall its almost like she knew we were going to have sex and stayed up just to catch us !! This whole thing has been going on since she had sex education at school although its the first time that she has barged in on us. I really just dont know what to do with her and this almost obsession with me and her dad being alone!! Her dad is so fed up with it now he doesnt want to be around her and im so stuck as i just dont know what to do no matter how much i try and tell her mummys and daddys need to spend time together and that its a natural thing she just doesnt listen or care it really feels as if shes trying to force us apart. I love her i love all my children to death but i really just dont know what to do with her anymore anf its breaking my heart. She is a lovely girl however her actual behaviour is terrible shes rude, nasty, vicious and says some awful things to me her dad and her siblings she even worse when she cant get her own way she will scream the house down and chuck things. I just need advice as im getting to my witts end with it all now . Sorry for the essay.

We have had concerns about autism for a number of years with her however the dr never seemed like it wad an option and told us to carry on parenting as we were and that she would eventually grow out of it.. The last time i took her i had written a page and a half of things that she did , how she behaved and what had triggered it and his responce was thats all normal at her age ive seen different dr.s and no1 seems to think its an issue , at school shes a perfect student. But like i said earlier doesnt have many many friends she has been bullied alot and when that happens the people she does hang around with tend to leave her and shes then spent breaktimes and lunchbreaks all alone which has broken my heart to hear. At the moment she does have a couple of people she talks to and plays with but not people she could hang around outside of school with , shes not popular atall and on many occasions everyone in her class has been invited to a party except her which is also heartbreaking.

I'd ask for a copy of the material that was shown if I were you

Is she the eldest, or where is she in the family?
Why would anyone be going through the types of contraception with an 11yr old? That seems odd to me. That would make the 11yr old think she had to have sex soon. It'll be like telling an 11yr old they'll be driving a car soon so they better get to know what all the peddles do.
This very young immature 11yr old has been exposed to something she does not understand and it is like a threat to her - naturally because she is still a young child.
Sex to her seems like a horrific attack. No amount of you telling it all its all lovely and natural or 'right' will change that. Because sex is not 'right' for an particularly young child. Also if people are teasing her about boyfriends and all that to her, stop that as well. That's just more pressure.
Reassure her that she doesn't need to think about it again until she's much much older.

She is the eldest . The only reason i explained contraception to her was because she had sex education at school a 30 min film and they didnt cover the contraception part now id much rather she knew about it than be unaware of it and that it exists. Having 6 children they have all asked how the babys were made and how they get there . And no no1 has been teasing her about boyfriends all i said was that a boy she has been friends with for a very long time admitted he had a crush on her and she said she liked him also but that was the first thing she told me the day she came out of school she almost seemed relieved he actually liked her as she had liked him for a while this is exactly why her behaviour is so confusing to me

You've said she won't hear sex or condoms mentioned. Who is mentioning them and why? It seems as though she's concerned about boundaries (and arguably since you didn't lock the door before having sex, her concern may be justified).
Her sex education or attitude to sex isn't tied up to your sex life (or lack of it). The fact you're even drawing those parallels is making me queasy and I'm an adult not an impressionable child struggling with puberty and boundaries.

Her dad is so fed up with it now he doesnt want to be around her

He's sounds delightful.

She doesnt like hearing the words tv programs adverts. Like i already stated it was 11:30 and we assumed she was asleep in pretty sure im not the only one who has forgotten to lock the bedroom door in the middle of the night.. And with other children in other rooms if they have a nightmare they tend to come in our room our 2rd daughter also has bad asthma so having the door locked worrys me in the night incase she needs some help which has happened a few times. I came here for genuine advice not to be put down and made to feel like im doing something wrong in my childs life.

Oh he loves the bones of her and they had an amazing father daughter relationship until she started with the whole being rude and talking to everyone like they were nothing and having no respect for anything or anyone. Its broken him alot and he like me doesnt understand why . He wants nothing more than to have our beautiful loving daughter back again .

My son is the same age. They haven't had their talk yet.
A year and a half ago him and his bother were playing scrabble. He thought it funny to spell 'sex' out. I honestly never thought he knew what this was or what it meant. So, I tried to sit down and talk about it. He point blank refused to even acknowledge what I was trying to say or what the word meant.

So I left it, this year i have noticed a few changes in him, his body his attitude etc. So I thought we could talk again.... nop.. he was having none of it! So i bought books. I offered them to him, still didn't want to look near them (I left them in places where I knew he would be) I told him i wasn't going to talk to him about it because I can see how uncomfortable it makes him feel. Over the weeks I could see he was getting curious, I just went with it. Didn't say anything to him. Then one morning I read the book and, read it aloud while his dad and I were at the table, he began to ask questions. We skipped past the bits that made him uncomfortable (the lady bits) He's just not ready for that yet lol.. I have bought another book for his development and what changes he is to expect, ones including emotions. I find he can get very angry very quick. So this explains why.

Sometimes mum and dad are just gross (to them). Or she could have learned to early. It sounds like shes very overwhelmed and everything is coming at her too much, she hasn't had the time process and learn. Shes taken in the scary bits rather than what sex is and the meaning behind it. Especially hearing mum and dad at it, I heard mine at it and it was brutal!
I would find out what would work for her and go with it. Speak to your GP about parenting workshops around this topic. Remember all kids are different, and they are going to absorb information differently to what we say and from how others pick it.

Best of luck.

Sometimes advice means looking at your own behaviour. Your DD is struggling either with puberty, with the education she was given, with lack of boundaries at home, with a pressure to discuss sex in a way that's inappropriate for her age or with a personal experience she is struggling to articulate. It makes no sense that your DH doesn't want to be around her or that you are blaming her for your lack of sex. You're also blaming her for the fact you can't ever be alone with your DH but you have time alone, you're just struggling to find time for sex. Lots of parents struggle with that. It's not the DCs' fault.

Oxford what you have said is so right and i cant agree more i think it was also the way in which it was done at school not much was explained just this is a mans body this is a womans body and this is sex and what happens ( the mans she said she felt so much more uncomfortable about) The womans she was fine with afterall she has those bits and pieces so it wasnt weird to her. When i had sex education it was done over 3 1 hour sessions with 3 films and a ton of paperwork afterwards , However it seems to have changed alot.

He doesnt want to be around her because of her attitude and the way she has treated her family he adores her he just doesnt get the lack of respect and nastiness. And im not blaming her for not being able to be alone or have sex far from it infact i just dont understand why its all happened and why shes reacted this way. We dont get time alone very often as my partner works 7am to 9pm monday to friday . And honestly by the time he gets home we are both exhausted have dinner and then off to sleep. We chose to have children and thats what we deal with id never change anything . Sex is not everything and im fine with not having it but i just found the whole thing odd and wanted to know if anyone elses children that age or around that age had a similar reaction. Also where i live sex and relationship advice as a lesson started in year 2 at our school which i find fsr far too young and decided to not let my year 2 daughter take part she is 6!!

Am I right in thinking she didn't have have any knowledge until she learned about it at school?

If so that must have been quite a shock for her?

I think you need to speak to both your school and your GP. But at the same time do lock the door and try and have some couple time once a week. She can't control you and this is going to be much harder if you and your DH are struggling.

Aww bless her! I cant and neither can anyone else say how she feels. My advice would be to seek outside support. There is miscommunication and lack of (if that makes sense)

You say your husband wants respect, that's something that cant be demanded. He will loose her all together. Especially, if she sees and feels his frustration. His behaviour I assume is coming from his inability to help her, and same you. So, look for an alternative and ask your daughter how you can help her. This stage of development is very difficult but can have a great effect on your daughter if not dealt with in a healthy manner.

My son is p7. But they have a 'love for life' talk (Google it) . It's an all day thing and very informative but in a child friendly way. I never paid attention to mine when I was taught it.

I think it is certainly frustration on my partners side as he like me has tried to talk to her and ask her why she feels so strongly but she doesnt even know her self . If we manage to get a good convo going with her she says she knows her behaviour is awful but she doesnt know why she behaves that way. When she gets home from school and ive got the little ones to bed i will be having a talk with her to see if i can get to the bottom of it , Shes very open when talking so its not like she clams up and cant answer.

I think you need to speak to school and see if they have any advice. Perhaps other children are also worried

Is it possible she has concerns over sexual abuse?

You could possibly explore 'triggers', what is it that causes her to react to a certain situation. An find a way to manage them and reduce. Can she name how she feels in certain situations I.e. embarrassed, annoyed, angry etc? Do she know these feelings are normal obviously in certain situations but also her hormones could be a reason for her behaviour too, again because she many not understand them.

Have you read 'Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town' ? I've found it very helpful for dealing with my 11-yr-old's moods and emotions. It might help to take some of the heat and drama out of your interactions with your DD. As their hormones flood in, they want to be independent but also seek closeness. There's a pull between being a grown-up and acting like a toddler. Often tantrums are a way of prolonging contact with you, and avoiding something they don't want to do or talk about.

As for the curriculum, we only have a short sex education lesson for 11-yr-olds. I think you may be remembering the high school lessons which are longer and have worksheets,etc.

Like a PP, I got my 11-yr-old a book before they did sex ed in school. They laughed and got embarrassed but when they were ready, we read through it together and they asked questions.

Thank you for all your suggestions me and her dad and my daughter are having a talk tonight to try and understand abit more ive also just ordered the get out my life book on ebay and will be arriving on thursday she loves reading so i hope the book helps her . Im nearly 100% sure her hormones are playing a big part in her behaviour and im willing to try and to help her through this.

Does she have access to internet? Wonder if she has had an introduction to it and then googled and ended up on porn sites or something similar. Her view of sex sounds like she finds the thought quite traumatic and I would be curious to find out why.

Daisy the 'Get out of my life' book is for parents. It's a while since I read it so I can't remember if there are parts for the DCs too. Basically it's to help parents respond to their DC's hormones

I'm 38 married with a six year old I have a bit of a sex phobia and it's down to my mother screaming at me if I got pregnant it would be my problem and they wouldnt help me.i was 14 and hadn't even kissed a boy or thought about sex.
My sister is infertile and she had the same threats made. And she says it's so werid because we are all pretty much taught that well have sex one and get pregnant and ruin our lifes so shes always been careful but actually now she cant anyway.
Sex education is stupid it doesn't teach you anything apart from how it'll ruin your life to get preganant or that's its shameful or dirty.
I totally understand her point she is 11 years old and shes been told all the negatives of sex and now you are doing it in her house.
I think you need to find out how the sex ed class was delivered and without talking about her parents sex.life explain about it. Not the negatives just want happens and try and help her before she ends up having major problems in all her relationships bless her heart adults can be so stupid I dont understand why we cant teach our young people about sex in a good way without making it sound dirty

Maybe she's realised that sex leads to babies and as she's already one of 6 children she's worried that if you have sex there will be even more kids brought into the household...?

Are you sure it was sex education that freaked her out? Has someone shown her pornography on at school (I mean another kid)?

Daisy how did you get on?

Daisy, I think you need to push your GP again for a referral for your daughter. If you had a page and half written of behaviour which concerned you, I trust your instinct more than your GP's. Go back, don't take no for an answer. Trust your instinct. I suspect your daughter's extreme reaction might be linked.

NB. I am not an expert, but I am mum of an 11yo daughter (and can completely relate to the 'not wanting to be around them' comment) and a 10 yo son who is currently being assessed for autism. I first went to my GP 4 years ago (with a page an a half of my own notes) and allowed them to fob me off. Trust your instinct.