Wife no longer in love with me, how do I save my marriage?

[dant03]

Hi all,

This is the first time I've ever done anything like this but I'm desperate for help to try and save my marriage so hoping someone has some advice.

I'm 39, my wife is 44 and we've been together for 20years with 3 boys aged 9,12 & 15 and we are absolute best friends, we have an amazing connection unlike any other couple I know but recently my wife has said she still loves me but is not in love with me anymore and cant imagine us getting intimate at all anymore.
Her view is that we are both too young to settle for a relationship without that physical side and thinks we should look at splitting up but I'm desperate to save this.

She says I'm a great guy, her best friend and a brilliant dad but the gap between us has grown so wide now she cant see it coming back. We have had issues in the past with my family not being nice to her, my mum and brother have both been quite nasty to her and I admittedly haven't said anything to them for fear of causing a huge family rift and instead have backed away from my family instead which I know is the wrong way to deal with it and this is a major issue my wife cant let go of it seems.

I still love her, I'm still in love with her and am massively attracted to her but I dont know how to get those feelings back in her?

I suffer massively with low self esteem and confidence issues which I'm trying to work through now but I'm trying to get back to being the person she fell in love with all those years ago to hopefully get back what we had.

My question is does anyone have any advice or am I wasting my time? I love her and our little family and dont want to lose this.

Thanks

I'm sorry op but there is nothing you can do.
You need to accept that it's over. Be kind to yourself and DC by not making things worse for them.
Re your mum and sister, you massively messed up by not defending your wife and for many women that will have been the beginning of the end. Unfortunately you can't change that now just don't make the same mistake with your next relationship

I agree that by not standing up to your family you've let your wife down and it's changed how she sees you. I would see if she's open to couples counselling and go from there

Hate to suggest this but has she had her head turned by someone else?
Has intimacy dropped recently or a gradual decline?
You say you are best friends, how close are you? Do you spend time together alone? Share interests / hobbies etc?

I was the dw in a similar scenario, I wasn't attracted to h anymore and we just muddled along and I was sick of making all the effort.

I've been the wife in this situation, and trust me, once the love has gone, it's gone. She resents you for not supporting her. You need to prepare for separation

Meant to add, I lost a lot of respect for h after a situation (don't want to go into details) + I just felt done.
It may be worth considering counselling. Either alone or together.

Thanks for the replies, intimacy has dropped off over time rather than any sudden stop.
We still get on great as friends, there is no arguing at all in our relationship, never has been really other than a few odd occasions.
We have nights in together watching tv we both enjoy, spend a lot of time just around each other laughing and joking and have mutual friends we have drinks and nights in with as well playing games and dancing/singing.

As I said I suffer from very low self esteem and know over time I've changed from the fun outgoing person I once was which I'm trying to sort out and she started a new job 18m ago which got her out and about again after suffering depression after losing her mum for a while and she's enjoying living life again.

I honestly dont think there's anybody else, I have asked and she's not one to lie about it as she's been very open about how she feels.

I completely understand how I messed up with my family, that came from my own insecurities and fear of what might happen if I stood up to my family, I know I cant change the past and can only act differently if it came up again in the future.

I disagree with other posters. I think every marriage has its ups and downs and the fact you both feel like you still get on could mean that the foundation is still there and it’s perhaps worth fighting for. Of course situations arise which put strain on a marriage or affect the way one might see the other for a while. However, I believe that it is possible to change things around.

I recently went on a long weekend away with my DH and after 18 years together and following a bit of a tougher patch it felt like a second mini honeymoon. It was a great chance for us to reconnect outside of the kids and the stresses of everyday life. We got loads of time to wander around and talk and have long meals together and most importantly it was a chance for me to see the bits of my DH that I fell in love with. Small things like him taking charge of where we needed to go and carrying bags enabled me to see him again as my DH and not just the partner who I need to talk to about problems with the kids or make arrangements with to fit round a busy social and work life. Is that something that you might be able to arrange? It’s so easy for everyday life to push romantic feelings into the background without anyone noticing!

This situation is exactly what marriage vows are for. She should stay with you and work on getting the intimacy back because that’s what she promised to do 20 years ago.

However, I don’t know if there’s anything you can do to make her do this. If she wants to end the relationship, you can’t make her stay.

Yet, maybe you can win her heart again. How did you win her heart in the first place? Do more of that stuff. Low self esteem is a poor excuse. Put your neck on the line and show her you will do anything for her. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Honestly? You can’t.

You can however still have a successful relationship as friends and co-parents.

I think she saw that you, her and your kids were not your priority and you took your birth family comfort ahead of hers.

Bitter lesson to learn but it looks like she's made up her mind and moved on.

My wife has said she's not willing to give up on our family yet and hope's we can get it back but just doesn't see it happening at the moment - that gives me hope that there's a chance to save this.

We started off as friends 20 years ago and relationship built from that so whilst we still have that friendship I have that hope we can build the relationship again.

I know low self esteem is a poor excuse but I can only say that it has crippled me over the years and stopped me from doing so many things I wish I had done, maybe if i had then we wouldn't be in this position but i know that's down to me.

I'd love nothing more than to get away just the two of us but we honestly have no kind of support network to help with the kids, we have struggled along by ourselves over the years to the point where we've not managed to have "dates" at all which I know is another big issue, and money is tight too which has stood in the way.
I'd love to get back to spending time as a couple rather than as mates or as mum and dad but just dont know how we can do it

If your oldest DS is 15 can he not be trusted to look after the other two for a few hours on an evening while you and your wife go out? Doesn't have to be expensive, the important thing is spending time together - you could just get fish and chips and eat then in the car!

He can yes you're right, my wife goes to bed early as she gets up for work a 3:30am 5 days a week so it only leaves us a couple of nights a week when we can go out and do something but I'll do that thanks

she started a new job 18m ago which got her out and about again after suffering depression after losing her mum for a while and she's enjoying living life again

Sensible lady ... she's obviously taking steps to rebuild a life for herself, having realised you don't have her back

If she's not quite ready to give up on the marriage there may be a chance of turning this round, but you've got to mean it and avoid slipping back into "it's my self esteem" by thinking more of hers. Maybe couples couselling will help and maybe it won't, but anyway I wish you luck

I'm suspicious of posters boasting about 'connections unlike other couples'. This suggests you are living in an adolescent fantasy where love will overcome all and makes me a bit

Do you think your wife feels lonely in the relationship?

You've skirted over the family rift but you say you've distanced yourself. What does that actually mean? Does she have to spend any time with your family?

Given she seems to be leaving the relationship, now is probably not the time for you to go scorched earth with your family just to prove your love!

I feel for you. You need to work on your self respect as your top priority because it's a win win development in your life. either your growing self confidence and dynamism and fun will attract her again, or, if it doesn't;t, you are at leats in a stronger position to cope with the rejection, as you'll be feeling better about yourself.
Order some library books about improving self esteem, or google some websites about it - there must be loads of them. And just systematically work through any exercises you find on them.
Make sure that every day you shower, shave and clean your teeth, put on good clothes - if your esteem issues have led you to stop taking care of yourself, this could be a major turn off.

Start a list of things small, medium, large, free, cheap and expensive, short, medium and long term, that you want to do in life and do a few every week. Tick off the easy ones for a quick self-esteem boost and make inroads into the tougher ones.

And book some dates with her. Having no one to help and no money is no excuse! You can ask a friend or neighbour for a favour and look up a free or cheap live music or comedy night at a local pub, or just go for a walk and a coffee. Getting out together for a chat about future plans would be good. Make sure you always have at leats one thing to look forward to in the near future as a couple and the same as a family. These are small ways you can start to find a way back into a relationship. They may not work but they are worth a shot.

the connection im referring to wasnt meant to sound like some sort of fantasy life, im well aware this is real life. What i was referring to was our friendship, the way in which we can share inside jokes around other people with a look, the way we can still act stupidly around each other and which isnt something we see in other couples we know - im in no way saying were perfect as obviously things arent all great but we do have a connection as best friends rather than just living together.

My wife doesnt spend any time with my family at all now and i very rarely visit them anymore, speaking on the phone briefly every once in a while and keeping it friendly but i dont have the same relationship with them anymore because of this, i dont think ive been to see them in last 6months and im fine with that, they dont make an effort to come and see me or their grandsons either

I sound like the woman in this situation. The resentment I have towards my partner because he continually puts his family’s feelings over mine is just getting worse and worse. I would maybe try spoiling her and get some romance back for you guys. Make her feel like she is your number one most important person. And I mean do this for a while. Not just a one time kinda thing. Buy her flowers, make her a meal, go somewhere fancy. Tell her how important she is to you.

ellanwood - thankyou for that, thats exactly what im doing. I have a book on self esteem and am working through it, trying to do things out of my comfort zone as i know the man she fell in love with is still in there, its just been buried by years of anxiety, depression and confidence issues that have come from my early years so im trying to bring him back out.
I`ve booked tickets for local comedy nights coming up and am trying to do exactly that, have something to look forward to and do together

i completely understand where ive gone wrong with my family, its something i cant change whats happened but just want an opportunity to show here that i would put her first from now on - and i dont expect this to be a quick fix at all, i know itll take time and effort

What about Christmas, what happened then?

Anyway I wish you luck, I hope you can both dig deep and get through this. I suggest you start by asking her her thoughts on what would be nice to do just to reconnect and spend time together.

I offer this up as a bit of a laugh about what not to do: When XH and I fell apart, instead of asking me how I'd like us to reconnect he drove me to a graveyard ('surprise!') as he thought I'd like to visit my dead grandfather and uncle and he felt bad for never taking me... so I stood (very confused) in a cold graveyard on my own for an hour while he scooted off in the car with our daughter.

It did not do the trick.

I was your wife in the same situation - I still to this day love my ex-husband, like I love all my family members. But I could not bear to have sex with him. Once you get to that place, you can't get back, I firmly believe that. Like others have said, I had lost respect due to an accumulation of things. We still got on, still had fun - but like a brother and sister more than a romantic partnership.

We tried counselling, but it really turned into the counsellor helping him to accept that the marriage was over - like you, he was devastated when I told him. We got divorced, and he very quickly remarried. I've stayed single.

I don't think there's anything you can do - once you can't face someone snogging you, I don't think there's any going back.

I have been in your wifes situation - and believe me no one can tell you what may make her love you again - if indeed that's even possible. The likelihood is your wife will not know the answer either.

I will say this though - stop thinking about how much you need/want her - that is not going to help. Start thinking about what she needs you for - or what she might want from you. Contrary to what some others have posts I don't think a couple of romantic nights out is going to cut it.
Relationships break down because either one or both parties emotional/social or physical needs aren't being met. it may be possible to work out what need your wife feels is missing - it may then be possible to work out how to fill that need - but it may be that your relationship has run its course and the best thing is to go your separate ways.

Remember this - how you behave now will effect how you two relate to each other for the rest of your childrens lives. If the worst happens and you do separate try to keep this thought in the forefront of your mind.

i’d ask her when is she moving out, when she plans on visiting the children and set up maintenance asap.
the advice on mumsnet for men in this situation is so different to advice given to women.

she’s had her head turned.

Can you get some therapy for you to help with the low self esteem? It may then also help the relationship?

Def find ways to go out - comedy sounds great - far cheaper and easier to get a babysitter than pay for a divorce etc. Go away together when kids are on school trips? Ask pals to have them for a sleepover? Sounds to me like this is worth fighting for.