Wife no longer in love with me, how do I save my marriage?

[dant03]

Hi all,

This is the first time I've ever done anything like this but I'm desperate for help to try and save my marriage so hoping someone has some advice.

I'm 39, my wife is 44 and we've been together for 20years with 3 boys aged 9,12 & 15 and we are absolute best friends, we have an amazing connection unlike any other couple I know but recently my wife has said she still loves me but is not in love with me anymore and cant imagine us getting intimate at all anymore.
Her view is that we are both too young to settle for a relationship without that physical side and thinks we should look at splitting up but I'm desperate to save this.

She says I'm a great guy, her best friend and a brilliant dad but the gap between us has grown so wide now she cant see it coming back. We have had issues in the past with my family not being nice to her, my mum and brother have both been quite nasty to her and I admittedly haven't said anything to them for fear of causing a huge family rift and instead have backed away from my family instead which I know is the wrong way to deal with it and this is a major issue my wife cant let go of it seems.

I still love her, I'm still in love with her and am massively attracted to her but I dont know how to get those feelings back in her?

I suffer massively with low self esteem and confidence issues which I'm trying to work through now but I'm trying to get back to being the person she fell in love with all those years ago to hopefully get back what we had.

My question is does anyone have any advice or am I wasting my time? I love her and our little family and dont want to lose this.

Thanks

I've been the wife in this situation too. There is no getting it back. If the love is gone it's gone.

And ignore the stupid post about her leaving and paying you maintenance. That's rubbish and most women do not leave their children because they no longer love their husband.

I don’t really understand how working on your self esteem is going to help your wife want to stay? Sorry if I’m missing something. I mean, it seems like a good idea in general but dunno why it will help right now....

Working on Self esteem may help the op feel more confident, that he has lots still to offer in the relationship. Might show the wife that he will be able to deal with difficult family etc in future. As op said he thinks it’s a factor why not? And also he may decide this marriage isn’t right for him on husband terms.

His terms not husband terms 😂

I am the wife in this situation, years of resentment from not being supported or listened to... I've done years, around 10 of distracting myself by being busy, with children, work, hobbies, friends, house moves, house improvements etc... Then yes, I had my head turned and it just proved to me how much I needed the connection, support, to be seen and heard. But also to really fancy someone, which I've never really had with DH. He's a wonderful man in many ways but we both let things slide.
We are trying counselling. Trust me, if I could want to kiss my husband, have sex, cuddle, I would. If I could just have 10% of what I got from someone else with my husband, I'd take it, because we are best friends and I want to keep my family together. I'm hoping that when it's gone that isn't it, but I'm fearful that it is. My DH is trying his best to step up now, but I don't trust it and actually it's suffocating me as it's just not his normal behaviour. He put quite a lot of pressure on me to start being intimate again as soon as he had done a few weeks of putting washing on etc, as if he'd done it with that goal in mind. It just made me angry and feel under pressure.
It's just making it worse. Because I'm thinking, hang on, he could have done this before, when I was surviving working full time on an hours sleep, overwhelmed and depressed with a 1 year old, doing everything... But only when he is threatened with his life becoming more complicated, of us not being together, he 'changes'. Overnight.
Trust me, I don't want to break up my family just for a bit of lust or because of greener grass, but when it's turned to slight revulsion at the thought of being intimate with him, then I know it's probably got to be fairer just to split. I'm not sure how to stop the feelings of guilt about prioritising my feelings and happiness but I'm sure that we can't go on as we are.

So yes, she might have had her head turned as someone up thread suggested, but for me it was an escape, a distraction from the real issues and just sped up the demise in my feelings.

Show her you are making changes for yourself, for the children and for your relationship and give it time, but bear in mind any changes might not provoke the feeling in her that you want. However, it will help you to have a healthy relationship as parents, which might mean apart.

my wife has said she still loves me but is not in love with me anymore and cant imagine us getting intimate at all anymore.

You’re wasting your time trying to rescue this situation sorry.
Saying this to someone in addition to her comment about being young enough to have another relationship is saying very clearly “I want out”.
You need to accept this is over.
It’s very likely she has met someone else.

Well I could be your wife and also @Stegasaurusmum. She has nailed where I'm at.

I honestly wish I had your wife's courage. It sounds cliche, but I think you should set her free. I had this conversation with my DH, we are working on things. Which basically meant small non sustained changes and back to where we were, but I'm burying my feelings and he, I am quite sure, is ignoring them in blind hope it will improve.

It will have taken massive courage for her to say those things, I expect she thought you were on the same page and hoped you would agree. And now feels massive guilt because you are heartbroken, so she is putting your happiness above hers. Can you do that for her? Ask her honestly if she wants to separate and tell her you wont stand in her way if she does. Offer to do for her what she is trying to do for you. Her answer may be enlightening.

You're right @whereisthelaughter it does take courage. I've broached the subject but I can't come out and say the words, it's too scary.
We are taught to bury our feelings, wants, needs when we are growing up and when we become parents. For me, being back at work, realising I am important and building a life outside of home and the wife work meant I realised needs I had that weren't being filled at home. But to actually go ahead and get those needs met seems like too big a step, although temporarily I did.
But the next step feels like too far.

Actually @dant03 your wife has been really brave and honest, be thankful for that but it's a horrible situation and not one any of us would choose. I really feel for you but it might be that you have to accept it. She probably doesn't want to feel this way.

Yup. Nailed it again @Stegasaurusmum.

It would be the easiest option to switch feelings back on and feel how you once did, I would love to do that. Tragically, it's simply not possible. Or certainly doesn't appear to be in my case, and I've searched these forums for someone who says they've been there and come back from it. I'm yet to find anyone who said that they did.

I suspect she is part hoping her feelings will change, and part hoping you will slowly adjust to the idea and in a period of time will agree with her and not want to live under the cloud anymore and you can calmly agree to separate. You may do yourself a favour if you break free now.

Is a trial separation a possibility for you both?

The setting her free is really good advice.

It took me a lot of courage to address this with exH. It got completely ignored the first time as he didn't know how to deal with it. Second time he said he would fix it etc and I said I didn't want to. He still didn't let me go but went into denial or whatever it was. No idea as he never opened up. I plodded along for another few months and knew I couldn't keep going.

I know full well if I hadn't pulled the plug he would have stayed as we were knowing full well that I was desperately unhappy. Which is incredibly selfish on his part.

Clinging on to someone who has told you they don't love you is not the way to deal with this.

Sorry OP I dont think there is any way back. Possibly if she goes and dates and sees other men she may decide 'the grass isnt greener' but from what you've said it sounds like she really wants to start again with someone else. Holding her back will just delay the inevitable and cause resentment.

Also you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

I actually had to scroll up and check your username to make sure you weren't my husband writing this (even down to the brother and mum being awful to me).

You'll get people on here telling you there's no hope of coming back from this and then some will say there's a chance. Ultimately none of us know the answer as none if us know you or your wife personally BUT I would say it's positive that a) she's been honest about it and b) you clearly really love her and want to work on it.

What I'll say is don't do the pick me dance. I've done that before and all you'll do is drive yourself insane and send your self esteem even further into the toilet. There's no point trying to be someone you're not just to hold on to her.

I think @Whereisthelaughter nailed it here -

It will have taken massive courage for her to say those things, I expect she thought you were on the same page and hoped you would agree. And now feels massive guilt because you are heartbroken, so she is putting your happiness above hers. Can you do that for her? Ask her honestly if she wants to separate and tell her you wont stand in her way if she does. Offer to do for her what she is trying to do for you. Her answer may be enlightening

I think that's the best initial course of action. You need complete honesty from her because if, in her mind, this relationship is over and she's delaying the inevitable then all this dragging it out is pointless and if it turns out that that is the case, then at least you will know, and you will then be a step further in getting past this and making a new life for yourself. And you WILL be ok, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

However if she does think there's hope of fixing it then I actually think you COULD come back from this. What I would maybe suggest is having a bit of time apart temporarily - it'll be the last thing you want to do, but you can't know if you'll miss something until you don't have it any more. It would be good for both of you. My husband told me he wasn't sure of our relationship any more and didnt know if he was still in love with you. Sadly I did the pick me dance for a while before I eventually found my self worth and told him that's fine, off you go then. He suddenly realised what he stood to lose and begged for another chance. This was a while ago and sadly I'm now the one in your wife's position but that's another story. I still don't know what will happen with me and my husband but right now he's trying so I'm prepared to give it more time. Some days I feel that old spark and feel loving towards him, other days it's gone.

If you do decide to work on it I would really recommend counselling. It's not for everyone but it can work wonders - and even if you do end up separating, it can help you do that in the best way possible, whilst hopefully keeping it amicable. I really hope it works out for you