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Original poster

Should I feel a little offended

31 replies

Flowerpower2020 · 01/03/2020 23:49

My partner of 3 years uncle has just passed away (my partner wasn’t very close to them), I have only met him once and the funeral is due to take place next week.

I was under the assumption I would be attending with my partner (supporting his family) as he even mentioned it to me as he said about me getting time off work however today he has said to me that his aunt has said immediate family only.

I get That I don’t really know his aunt or uncle however I am his partner and have been for 3 years and I get I’m not their immediate family but I am his partner...

I can’t help but feel a little offended by it...I would understand if I was his partner of 5 minutes but it’s 3 years!

I’m not looking for a bashing, I get it, it’s a funeral and it’s peoples wishes And I can totally respect that but when it comes to partners i thought they would have been included in that equation of family. If I was his wife I’m sure I would’ve been included.

Sorry probably more of a rant as when my partner told me I was a bit taken a back by it. My grandfather passed away 4 weeks ago and my partner attended even though it was family only to me and my family he is part of our family.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 01/03/2020 23:51

Funerals are strange sometimes- but if that’s what they want, it’s what they want

Original poster

Flowerpower2020 · 01/03/2020 23:56

@costacoffeeplease You’re right...I just feel a little rejected and it’s selfish of me to even be like this when it comes to a situation like this. I don’t want to say anything to my partner to make him feel awkward about this.

Ahh I’m being really silly!!

OP posts:

Gutterton · 02/03/2020 00:03

The widow gets to decide whatever she likes in her grief for her husbands funeral.

You need to respect that. No need to take it personally.

You might be an ex partner if you display any of your little rant and communicate your offence. I doubt the family need your support - your OH wasn’t close to his uncle - so I am sure her will survive the ceremony.

Billyeyelash · 02/03/2020 00:12

Let his Aunt have the funeral she wants. Neither your partner or you are close to the uncle. His Aunt has a vision for the funeral, let her have it. It's not about you.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/03/2020 00:16

I'm confused... Funerals are an occasion for anyone wishing to pay respects to the deceased to do so... How exactly is the Widow going to police who attends and who doesn't attend this Funeral.. Is she going to keep place and order of Service a Secret ? OP I'm not sure your Partner is being honest with you.. sorry

HeddaGarbled · 02/03/2020 00:17

Sometimes bereaved people want a big turn out for the funeral and sometimes they want it very private. Try not to take offence - I doubt it’s personal, just that she can’t cope with a crowd, and saying immediate family only was the easiest way to keep it small.

My MIL didn’t have a wake at all when my FIL died - she just couldn’t bear having to face people other than her immediate family and one good friend when her loss was so new and raw.

Original poster

Flowerpower2020 · 02/03/2020 00:31

@BumbleBeee69 that’s what I’m a little confused at as I thought with funerals it’s whoever wants to come to pay their respects shouldn’t be turned away. I would like to believe my partner is telling me the truth...Not that it didn’t cross my mind...but I don’t see he making something like that up. He mentioned it’s just him and his mum going.

@heddagarbled I guess you’re right in that. I’m sure it’s hard on her as it is...maybe they just want to keep it small and private which is ok. It’s just that feeling of not being classed in the family just because you’re not married...if he was still married to his ex I’m pretty sure she would’ve gone.

OP posts:

HyacynthBucket · 02/03/2020 00:33

Are you sure she is excluding you as "close family"? She might assume that is what you are if her nephew is going. Can you ask him to check it out, and if it really does mean that you are not invited, it will be for the reasons other people have given on here - not being able to face a lot of people, etc. She does not know you, so it might be too much for her to cope with people she does not know - nothing personal.

Original poster

Flowerpower2020 · 02/03/2020 00:45

@hyacynthbucket
From what my partner said is that they are burying him on their farm and because of that it’s an immediate family thing which I get...

I don’t want to ask him to check it out because I don’t want to come across if I’m angry or pissed off when it’s not about me. I don’t want to look childish or pissed off about it or make him feel awkward, because if he were to ask and she said no that would make it little more weird lol!! I just thought I’d rant to all you other lovely ladies even though it comes across silly.

I think the fact they’re doing it on the farm etc is probably the reason it is a close family thing. Sorry I should have added that on Didn’t mean to drip feed but maybe my emotions are just not seeing sense

OP posts:

Original poster

Flowerpower2020 · 02/03/2020 00:46

I’m a cancerian lol “taking things personally” is our middle name

OP posts:

WhiteBadger · 02/03/2020 01:14

Burying him on their farm!! Wtf!! When I first read that, I thought that's not legal in the UK, then I googled! What the fuck!! Home burials are perfectly legal in Britain, under the terms of the Burial Laws Amendment of 1880.

Can you imagine moving into a new house digging up the garden and there's a decomposing body!!

Sorry OP completely not what you're asking.

Yes I think it's very upsetting that you're not invited. Do you live together?

Original poster

Flowerpower2020 · 02/03/2020 01:17

@WhiteBadger looooool it’s a bit weird I have to admit because one day someone may buy the farm and dig up and find the body! But if that’s what they want then so be it.

We don’t live together just yet, but he stays with me frequently enough at mine, I get that maybe because we don’t live together it’s a different circumstance.

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 02/03/2020 01:43

Is this about more than the fact that you have not been invited to the funeral of a relative of your partner's whom you didn't really know?

You've been together 3 years. Not living together. Presumably no plans to get engaged/married. Not considered part of close family.

Where do you see this relationship going? And are you both on the same page?

Original poster

Flowerpower2020 · 02/03/2020 02:12

we were going to buy together this year however unfortunate circumstances arose which had to push back our plans for a year or two, but it’s not a huge deal as he will still stay with me at mine some nights.(tbh I like my space too lol) we are Not engaged but who knows...if it happens it happens not rushing that...we both want the same in life but want to make sure it all goes at the right pace. We are not trying to rush anything. I’ve experienced with my past relationship you rush it doesn’t end well!

I think the fact that that I feel his family don’t consider me to be an important factor of his life as we don’t have the normal set up just yet. Hence the immediate family but there will be his family members with wives there (one just coming in the family). Just because I don’t have a ring doesn’t mean I’m any less...I can’t say anything to him though as I don’t want him to bring it up to anyone as I think that would like quite embarrassing for me as they will think I’m kicking up a stink when I’m really not lol!

God I feel like I’m making this about me and it really shouldn’t be. Pls don’t judge ladies I’m not a bad person I promise I’m just an emotional one lol

OP posts:

Nicolastuffedone · 02/03/2020 06:19

Tbh, your partner wasn’t close to this man, you’ve only met him once, I don’t think you’d be needed for ‘support’. For all you know, this is perhaps the type of funeral the deceased wanted! People can attend funerals to pay their respects, but on the other hand, you can request your funeral to be private, in this case family only.....and you, rightly or wrongly, haven’t been invited.

BelfastNonBlonde · 02/03/2020 06:25

I think you shouldn’t take it personally and just respects their wishes. I’m sure you’re not the only one being excluded, and no doubt others have been much closer to him.

You said your partner wasn’t even close with him

It’s really really not about you (said in the nicest possible way)

KahlanRahl · 02/03/2020 06:31

There are different kinds of funerals. It looks like ypu are used to everyone being invited. Not all families do that and that's perfectly acceptable. I have been to two funerals with a very strict list of who was welcome. Don't take it personally, it's not really. They just feel vulnerable when grieving and want to do that with people closer to them. It's fine.

TorkTorkBam · 02/03/2020 06:38

I think you are in denial about your relationship and this has forced you to confront it, hence you being upset over nothing.

Just because I don’t have a ring doesn’t mean I’m any less
You are a girlfriend, that's all. You don't even live together. You are not the same as a wife.

The aunt does not want her nephew's girlfriend she doesn't even know coming along to her husband's funeral. If you were his wife it would be different.

Kirkman · 02/03/2020 06:47

In my mums family, it's an open affair and anyone comes. We are from northern Ireland and moved to England when I was young. It's how it is there. We dont invite people, we tell them when it is and people either come or dont.

My dads family is very different. Its invited only and very private. They would be very distressed if someone they dont really know, attended. They arent looking to make people feel bad or tell them their relationship isnt important. They just dont want it to be public and dont want people they dont really well there.

Different people and families are different. It's not a a judgment on your relationship.

Whereisthelaughter · 02/03/2020 06:49

I really wouldn't get out of bed about it. I doubt she is in any place to be thinking about the social etiquette of funerals, about whether she might offend you etc, if they were lifelong partners she is probably struggling to function. And I think given that you met him only once, it's not unreasonable for her to not consider you her family. It sounds like their long term friends aren't even going. Grief is a strange thing, the best way you can support her is let her grieve her way.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 02/03/2020 06:53

You're practically a stranger to the man who died and his grieving wife. In the nicest possible way, get a grip.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 02/03/2020 07:01

Personally, I think you are not close family to the aunt etc. You are not engaged or even living together with your DP. You are a girlfriend in their eyes, not a partner.

You were not close to the uncle. Neither was your DP. It sounds like this is an intimate family gathering requested by the widow. Your DP clearly won’t need support and the widow and others etc don’t know you - you are essentially a stranger to her/ them so I can understand why they don’t feel you should be there.

I think this is probably coming from insecurities over your setup. Your update seems a bit defensive re not living together etc... Perhaps address this, rather than getting upset over the funeral, which lets face it isn’t going to be a barrel of laughs for you.

AlternativePerspective · 02/03/2020 07:02

Burying him on their farm?
Just because I don’t have a ring doesn’t mean I’m any less tbh other people won’t think like that. while I’m not of the persuasion that you’re only a girlfriend, you’re not partners in the sense that you don’t live together, so you wouldn’t be seen in the same light as a live in partner or a wife.

I’m in the opposite situation in that my partner’s brother died last month and his partner is hoping I will go to the funeral. I do have a ring but we don’t live together or even close to each other for complex reasons and so I am having to say that actually, I really can’t go.

Funerals can be complicated, especially if e.g. the death was sudden and everything has had to be arranged at the same time as coming to terms with the loss.

As your partner wasn’t close to him your support isn’t really that necessary.

Also, while she’s said immediate family I presume she hasn’t excluded you by name and it’s your partner who has, in which case you do need to think about what that means to him in that clearly he doesn’t consider you to be immediate family.

AgentJohnson · 02/03/2020 07:15

Er, these people don’t know you and are having a private moment but yeah let’s make it all about you and your ‘status’.

TheMemoryLingers · 02/03/2020 07:32

There are two main reasons to go to a funeral:

To pay respects to and say goodbye to the deceased
To support the grieving family of the deceased

In this case, you'd only met the deceased uncle once, so 1. has no reason to apply. The grieving family of the deceased have indicated that they don't need your support, so 2. doesn't apply either.

I didn't go to my husband's uncle's funeral, because I'd only met him a few times and my husband said he didn't need me to.

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