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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone ever left husband the family home and just moved away?

72 replies

Anxious2020 · 01/03/2020 15:49

I want to leave my partner who I have children with. I might post a thread on why later. Has anyone just up and left a home they part own to go and rent Somewhere with their small children? I feel like I just want to up and leave as discussions will be too stressful and the worry is effecting me

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2020 09:39

ALL your words are those an abused person would write. Your children are perceptive here and they are also in turn being abused by their dad.

The grey rock technique is itself emotionally tiring and is so not working out for you now. You have further become inurred to his abuses of you and in turn now your kids.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning from you two here?.

You want your daughters growing up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women in relationships?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mother like this?. How is it that you and he got together in the first place?. I think he targeted you actually and deliberately so.

Original poster

Anxious2020 · 02/03/2020 09:57

My mum has always complained about my dad growing up but they are still together. He wasn’t a cheat or controlling with money though. And was good with us kids. I just think she doesn’t really like him much? No arguing but never seen them look loving either.

When we met we were very young, 16 and 17 and I was in the last year at school. We just walked past each other one day and he asked for my phone number. I think it was purely based on looks as I did used to be attractive (still told I am now but I don’t feel it at all). I thought he had a caring and reliable personality. I still think he does now as I know he would never leave me, he even talks about holidays we could go on alone when the kids are grown up. He feels like a comfort to me, but I have no idea why as he makes my life miserable. But he does work hard and keeps a roof over our head so I only have to worry about providing for the kids and my own car, phone etc and not the mortgage and utility bills.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2020 10:03

You were not shown a great example of a relationship when you were growing up so at 16, this man must have seemed like a better prospect and a way out. He is probably another version of the familiar i.e what you saw at home.

He would never leave you because he has you (and in turn your kids) exactly now where he wants you; i.e. coercively controlled and without a voice of your own. If you left he would then have to put in the work to find another female sap to look after him and being lazy as well he does not want that.

Your children and you deserve far better from life. It is only when you are free of him that your own recovery from his abuses of you and in turn your kids will start.

Original poster

Anxious2020 · 02/03/2020 10:06

If I leave do you think it’s reasonable for me to get my parents to do the handover for access? Or would that be a bad example to the children? I feel to get the strength to do this I would need to keep away from him for a while

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2020 10:09

I sincerely hope you do find it within yourself to leave him. You have a choice re this man, they do not and they have to follow your lead.

If he does have contact with his children post separation I would formalise all contact arrangements through the courts by making use of a contact centre.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/03/2020 10:13

Please please please do not let him know you are leaving. This is when men like this are most likely to snap.

I told mine, and he knew I meant it, and the next moment I was on the floor.

Original poster

Anxious2020 · 02/03/2020 10:16

I don’t think he would be physically dangerous, but I think I would feel guilt because he would look sad and start telling me I can have everything and then I feel guilty and stay. This is why I think I’m better off not telling him. I just need to see if I can organise a rental property I could cover it when I leave with the help of universal credit I have done an online calculator

OP posts:

Original poster

Anxious2020 · 02/03/2020 10:17

I feel hesitant about him having the children but I can’t put my finger on why. I just imagine them feeling unhappy and sad with him without me there to help them when he is being unreasonable

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2020 10:18

Do not tell him anything particularly with regards to leaving him. Keep your powder dry and make your move to leave when you are in a position to do so. In the meantime stay safe.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2020 10:20

This is why I suggest the use of a contact centre; the staff can observe him. He will likely not bother much with his children post separation in any event but will likely continue to want to use them to control and otherwise punish you as their mother for actually leaving him.

Onemansoapopera · 02/03/2020 10:41

All children love both parents and they'll be fine with their dad. Dd is mirroring what you are saying.

You ARE going to hurt him and you WILL feel guilty as the one leaving, regardless of the reason. Process and accept that now because you can't bury it, it's the worst but not as bad as dragging out a relationship which has ceased to have meaning.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/03/2020 11:05

I didn’t think that, either. That he would be physically dangerous.

Original poster

Anxious2020 · 02/03/2020 11:28

lalalandisnofun I’m so sorry. That must have been awful. And such a shock 😞

OP posts:

Flyg · 02/03/2020 11:39

Hello OP, this is exactly what i did with a 1 and 3 year old. We jointly owned the home but due to abuse, and my belief (based on his actions and words) that he would never let me have the house, and even if he said he had moved out, he would be around all the time for a thousand different excuses - most to do with concerns that i was an underperforming housekeeper - i just decided to move out and now the solictors are dealing with how exactly he will buy me out.

It was extremely daunting, i had to find a job, consider childcare practicalities as well as cost, research the rental market i wanted to move to, furnish an entire house, understand what help was available, universal credit is whats made it financially possible for me, and you can check what you could claim on various websites.

Good luck and feel free to pm. I moved out in Nov after we split in April. Hes been horrendous to me at every stage and its been hard but very worth it as now i close my own door and only see him when it time to hand over with the kids.

Original poster

Anxious2020 · 02/03/2020 11:43

Flyg thank you so much for sharing your experience, I will PM you x

OP posts:

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/03/2020 11:55

What happened subsequently was far more shocking, but that’s a different story.

Just please don’t fall for this act he’s putting in - he still thinks he’s in control right now. Let him. As Attila said - keep your powder dry.

Original poster

Anxious2020 · 02/03/2020 12:10

I think the change in behaviour is because he was really rude to me the other night because I was on social media talking to my auntie, and I pulled him up on it. He said sorry I would have been more considerate if I had known that was your sick auntie. Later I messaged him at work saying he had upset me, and why is he always so cross. He said he isn’t cross he is just aware of the distance between us. So I replied of course there is a distance, I hardly see him, he is short tempered with me and the kids, that we are not on the same page financially or with parenting or with anything. Since then, and this sounds pathetic that I think this is so nice of him, he has loaded the dishwasher a few times, prepared a meal, been pleasant to me and the kids, and offered to cook tonight. I have also been ill with a very bad cold. I nearly said to him last night what has happened to him he is being nice but I thought no that is sarcastic of me and being childish so I just haven’t commented. He also used to try and pressure me to work in a more demanding job and he did again last night and I said who will look after the children do the housework and everything else I’m already exhausted. And he said yes I guess the job needs to fit around the kids. And I said that’s the first time you have ever said that. And he said he realises this now, and him saying what he used to say was back then not now. That’s what he says about a lot of stuff that it was back then and not now. It’s like I have to slowly wait for him to improve himself in every aspect. First the physical cheating, then the woman on social media, now he is doing a bit of housework however small, and maybe just maybe he is speaking better to the children if yesterday’s actions continue. But I feel like I should feel happier if things have got slightly better but I just feel angry? Like that he can choose to be nice when he decides he wants too if that’s makes sense. So he could of done this before off of his own back instead of me telling him all the time. And he has improved before but it has never lasted. It’s like he improves when he thinks I want to leave him

OP posts:

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/03/2020 13:37

He’s hoovering, OP

Original poster

Anxious2020 · 02/03/2020 16:25

What’s hoovering?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2020 16:35

Hoovering is basically a way of “sucking” a person back into an abusive relationship. In an attempt to regain control over their victims, hoovering abusers will use manipulation tactics that target their victim’s soft spots and emotional vulnerabilities. If they are successful, the hoovering abuser will use their victim until they are bored of them and discard of them once again.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/03/2020 16:39

Here you go, OP. The hoovering is the ‘calm’ stage - reeling you back in, changing their behaviour (seemingly) but what has really happened is that they’ve often established new boundaries and it is YOU who is changing your behaviour (even subconsciously) to try to ensure the ‘calm’ stage continues. Except it won’t....

www.cleverism.com/cycle-of-abuse/

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/03/2020 16:41

And here’s another explanation

narcissistabusesupport.com/red-flags/what-is-hoovering/

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