Anyone ever left husband the family home and just moved away?

[Anxious2020]

I want to leave my partner who I have children with. I might post a thread on why later. Has anyone just up and left a home they part own to go and rent Somewhere with their small children? I feel like I just want to up and leave as discussions will be too stressful and the worry is effecting me

Your afraid to tell him. That speaks volumes. Is he controlling? In an abusive relationship it is safer to leave without telling. Speak to Women’s Aid. They can help you make a safety plan for leaving.

I have sent woman’s aid an email yesterday, so I am waiting for a reply. I’m confused how I can leave as I own half the house but I’m too scared to ask him to leave and I would feel so guilty to do that as he pays the mortgage

I think it takes 5 working days for a reply. Maybe it would be better for me to call?

Yep, didn't bother fighting for the house or anything. It felt sort of tainted, somehow. Packed up the clothes and some toys and moved as soon as I could. Completely fucked myself financially, but there you go.

whowantstoknow did you have to rent somewhere? I get what you mean about the house feeling tainted.

Abuse is a cycle. If they were nasty all the time, we'd find it easier to leave them. A common abuser tactic is to be really nice from time to time in order to get us to second guess ourselves. Might be worth googleling the cycle of abuse n see if it sounds familiar.

If I tell him I’m unhappy and point out what he is doing that’s when he will be nice for a couple of days. Then I start second guessing myself

Please go and see a family solicitor as soon as you can. Some will do a free 30 minute consultation. You need help here. There may be a way of you getting a court order to get him out.

I did, my ex was verbally abusive and controlling. We'd had counselling for years and I had tried to talk to him many times. I knew that leaving would mean I had to move miles away to live with my mum as I was a sahm of 2 young kids so I spoke to him to try and agree a settlement so I wouldn't have to move so far away. All he said was I'm not giving rob a divorce and I'm not giving you a penny, so I packed my stuff and left when he was working overseas. Best decision ever.

I did it. Are you thinking in terms of the children never seeing him again - cos that’s MUCH more complex.....

Yes I did. My ex was very emotionally abusive. (Found our later he was having an affair)
I was very lucky as I managed to secure a council flat. Took me a long time. I moved all my stuff out one day and called him to say I’d left. Que the begging and pleading that things would change. I don’t know why he would do this as he was sticking it somewhere else. I think it was then he knew he had lost the control over me. The divorce was messy an horrendous and I should have come away with £50k but settled for £20k for it to be over. Never felt happier. 6 years on and I don’t talk to him unless I have to! Of course he moved his new woman in the day the divorce cam through! I bloody knew there was something going on! He was rubbing it in my face but I didn’t care what he did by then!! He still try’s to control everything I do now but I just laugh and get on with life!!!

I would still want him to see the children, just not me, at least at the beginning.

Did you discuss with him you were going to leave or just go?

No, I intended to just leave, but he came home halfway through me packing up. I won’t lie, it was shit. Probably the worst thing that I’ve ever been through, and that’s saying something. But the fact that I had people there helping me meant he didn’t kick off as he would have done had I been alone.

Still don’t regret though. Shit for about six months, then the pure bliss of freedom.

@Anxiou2020 you know the nice is part of the whole head-fuck don't you?

When he is being nice I feel like I’m imagining everything and feel guilty for wanting to leave. And then I feel stressed because leaving feels a massive thing to do I stay where I am. Then a few days later I’m unhappy again

@Anxious2020 I've been coasting like this for years now.
I grey rock now regardless of his moods.
Get out whilst you can, he's a bully.

I’ve read about grey rock before. That’s a good idea to do it even when he is being nice. Are you planning to leave?

A weird thing is I know he will be upset if I leave which makes me feel really guilty

But the OP isn’t throwing around terms like “emotional abuser”, she’s described his behaviours, which backs up what she’s thinking completely! And she didn’t ask her daughter who she wanted to live with, it was an unsolicited remark, which can be very telling.

My oldest daughter originally wrote me a letter asking if we could go and live with granny and grandpa. And now up to 4 times a day tells me she doesn’t want to live with daddy. It makes me feel awful like a failure. She has heard me say to him I don’t want to live with him anymore during an argument and now she has this idea fixed in her head. I guess before she didn’t know it was an option not to live with him. So I feel responsible for this. I wasn’t sure if the relationship is emotionally abusive so I started a new thread asking for opinions, I’m still unsure as I keep thinking it’s my fault because In the past I wanted to stay with him through some horrible treatment of me. These days he is a lot nicer, but for some reason I feel worse.

OP they always do the nice nasty thing. It's deliberate so you doubt yourself.

The thing is, your child has verbally asked to leave. If you don't and leave her in this situation despite her telling you she's unhappy and doesn't want to live with her dad. She will never forgive you for it. She'll go into adulthood with a large amount of contempt at being forced to stay in this mess.

Even my daughter said sometimes daddy is nice but then it feels like a trick. I feel so shit, I should of left when she was younger. It’s like she has started to see him the way I have, and she’s only small, but clever for her age. I need to get the strength for her as I think it will only get worse when she becomes a teenager

She looked so shocked when he was nice to her yesterday by offering to do her homework with her, it made me sad. How could he not value our beautiful girls the way I do. I have spoken to him about it before but he started shouting he works his guts out doing night shifts for the family and then I felt guilty and in the wrong

By in the wrong I mean like I am being ungrateful