DP is just a massive selfish prick

[ThankfullyAlive]

I'm actually so pissed off now I wish I could just disappear into the night and never see the selfish dick again.

He is ill and he is. But by god he feels it absolves from from lifting a fucking finger. He couldn't even pour himself a glass of water - the bottle was on the table! He has sworn at me, shouted at me for making a reasonable request (put the toilet lid down!), ignored me, listened to our baby cry his eyes out whilst I fixed him a bottle then had to change him. He just stayed upstairs out of the way until I had finished and started feeding our baby then came downstairs and made himself some toast. Never fucking mind I've not eaten because I've been looking after two fucking babies today. I'm broken. I literally don't want him in the bloody house anymore. He pretty much admitted he doesn't give a shit about our son, who he told me was my son. I'm just so bloody mad I want to scream at him and push him out of the bed I bloody paid for. I actually hate him. He brings nothing but misery to my life. I know it's the age old LTB but quite honestly I can't deal with the fallout from that either. He is a nasty piece of work and he will die a lonely old man and it will be nothing short of what he deserves.

Sorry for the rant. Must vent somewhere or I'll be living my future out courtesy of our Majesty.

I was in the same position as you albeit married (higher earner etc), but naively clung on. He left me two years ago and now looking back I am almost grateful he did! Although being a single parent is challenging, I get to do it on my own terms and don’t have to deal with a second “child” demanding my attention, failing to help in any way with DC or the house, and criticising me.

DC and I now live in a lovely warm comfortable house, with a calm atmosphere - it’s really made such a difference to both of us. Plus bed to myself, no random piles of wires/old phone chargers/broken games consoles, eat what I like when I like.....

If you’ll be financially ok, I would say leave. You won’t regret it I promise.

@deedeecherry thank you for this. It is a kick up the arse for sure. Tbh it would abate any guilt I feel if he did find someone else and move on. I think I've checked out of any loving feelings. I just feel angry and hateful towards him. When I say dying a lonely old man I more meant that his behaviour pushes people away even if he isn't physically alone I suppose.

@Mummyoflittledragon @langspartacuscleg thank you for the info re contact. I wasn't sure what happened. I doubt he'd fight me in court for access. He'd see it a waste of money. I would never deny access but I would want to be there too until DS is much older and capable of fending for himself a bit.

Hi OP, sorry you are going through this. Is it your house that you own yourself/jointly, or are you renting? 2 out of 3 of those situations would be easy to get rid of or leave "the lump". The 3rd scenario (joint ownership) not as easy but by no means impossible.

He sounds like he's contributing nothing but stress and misery to.your life OP. Great you've got your mum's support. Can you go there a few days and get your head straight?

Hi OP,

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this.
Just a thought, but how do you think he would respond if you said something like ‘it’s make or break time, I am giving you a one month warning to start supporting me and showing an interest in our baby, if you don’t change that’s it, we are over’.

Also, do you think he would go to couples counselling? I am only asking because you feel you need to stay for the time being. But this is no way for you and the baby to live, you both deserve much much more than this.

I’m so glad to hear you have a supportive Mum. Don’t feel you are alone in this situation.

Please take care and I hope things get better very soon

I'm so sorry you are going through this. 18 years ago this happened to me. I left six months later. DS did continue to see his father but had no memory of 'disruption and fall out' as he had been so young. He is now successful, confident and thriving - And his father was forced to be active when he saw him as I wasn't there on his weekends to do it! When you find the strength, get your ducks in a row. It will be more difficult later once you see your DC getting used to home life together and you don't want to instigate change for him.

Since your the breadwinner is it only your name on the house or mortgage? If so couldn’t you just throw him out and change the locks. My DH did sweet FA after DD was born apart eat, moan, play computer and make mess. I wish I could have thrown him out as it would have made my life so much easier (but he was a DH not a DP)

How long have you been together? Were there not red flags at the beginning of the relationship, before you had a child together? I don't mean to sound insensitive at all by asking this but in my experience people don't completely change personality overnight so is it a fair assessment to say he has always treated you poorly but it got worse post-baby?

It sounds like he is gaslighting you as well as being lazy and overly critical. I think you need to leave before things turn physically violent if that hasn't happened already. You need to move on from him whilst you still have a modicum of self-esteem left as people like him will sap every last bit of joy from your being.

I've noticed in the past week so many similar threads to yours on this forum, I just wonder why women stay in relationships and procreate with men like this to begin with especially if you're not financially dependent on him. Again maybe I'm looking at this in an overly-simplistic way and lacking life experience but it just saddens me how many women find themselves in similar situations to yours.

it really is hard being a new Mum, without a despicable bully making it worse.
Get Rid, I'd tell him to leave.

You have options being your family for support and a good job
Contact will work out he probably would be best to have family or you willing to be around for that but who knows how it would play out given emotions and change.
Don't stay in a rut nor let his comments get to you,Nor speak to you like that.
Your tired because you might be mentality and psychically exhausted
Once you return to work do you want to come home to this?
Before you go back to work try a spilt or try break the miserable cycle
Any chance of a break away for just You and bubs! Really it may lift your spirits and help

God that sounds hard. But it also sounds like you’ve got a lot of fight in you. You know what kind of life you want for your son. And your partner isn’t doing it.

@awkwardpigeon interesting you should bring that up. I've been thinking about that for a while now. Why do some women get stuck with these men who make their life a misery. I'm one of them.
For me, I was young, nieve and didn't think any guy would want me. So when this older guy took an interest I was in awe and worshipped him for a good couple of years even though the relationship was pretty shitty.
My turning point was in 2014 when something major happened, I realised he wasn't the guy for me but some reason we drifted together again. But I was still keeping my distance from him and trying not to be too emotionally attached to him.
I should have left him for good then but I then got pregnant in 2016 and thought staying was the best thing for my baby. Until I realised how unsupportive he was during the pregnancy and early years. I still stayed for the baby but when my son was 2 years old I tried to leave but essentially he won't let me leave him.
I think men like this prey on women with low self esteem and make it about them when the women want to leave. Some Women don't want to upset others and feel bad and guilty for breaking the relationship up especially when children are involved.
Do correct me if I'm wrong about this but this is just what has happened to me.

I am wondering if he is feeling "left out" from you and baby? The first year is a test for many marriages with a new baby .I remember reading somewhere that its like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship!Of course he is being a complete ass ATM ,and it doesnt help you when you are tired out! Can you tell him when he is not acting like a big baby himself ,how you feel and how unreasonable he is being? Maybe as DS gets older he will engage more .Young babies are hard work with little rewards at first .Will he come to Counselling at all (Sometimes the mere mention of the word makes them think)!As you say LTB is probably too much to think about right now ,but if this doesnt improve in time then you may need to consider your options .

So many useless men like this. Mine was over 20 years ago with my first son. The realisation he didn't care less about our amazing baby was shocking. I kicked him out when DS was 4 months old. At the time I was really low but looking back I was just grieving for what could have been or what I envisioned.

Being a single parent to my son was a blessing. He grew up in a calm, loving environment and has grown into an emotionally strong, secure young man.. nothing like his awful father.

Agree you could go to your parents for a few days in the meantime to clear your head and get some well earned rest. Really hope you find the strength to get rid soon...

@Mum2one2019. Thats really sad how you've been manipulated to stay. You know you don't need his permission to leave? You don't need a reason or discussion. You are entitled to end a relationship for no reason whatsoever.

Couples counselling is not recommended for abusive relationships.

My dd went to couples counselling and the therapist actually asked her what she had done to provoke him into hitting her.

So you will be dealing with all this from a position of strength. A good job, financial assets and a supportive family! And you aren't married, to boot, so no trying to work out a divorce or him trying to claim assets/support! So really, the only thing (and it is a big thing) to be 'settled' is the house. Can you afford to buy him out? Is the house near your family and/or in the area you'd like to stay in? One thing to remember is that a house, whilst important, is only 'bricks and sticks'. Far more important is your happiness and a calm, secure home for your child.

As far as him seeing the baby, don't worry about that now. What will be will be and you will deal with it when it happens. Right now you deserve to be in a space where you can actually enjoy this time with your baby.

Well said AcrossthePond55

@AwkwardPigeon

I've noticed in the past week so many similar threads to yours on this forum, I just wonder why women stay in relationships and procreate with men like this to begin with especially if you're not financially dependent on him. Again maybe I'm looking at this in an overly-simplistic way and lacking life experience but it just saddens me how many women find themselves in similar situations to yours

That’s an interesting question, but you might like to start a new thread to discuss these and other philosophical issues. It’s not really fair to bring it up on the Ops thread, where she is asking for a safe space to rant and perhaps for practical advice.

Debating how she got here isn’t really going to help her, is it ? Given that she doesn’t have a time machine .

Thank you again for everyone's kind words. He has never laid a finger on me and tbh I really don't think he would. I'm more likely to snap and hit out at him, which obviously I would never do! It's hard to explain how the constant little digs and comments make you feel and the anger which can then ensue. I always remain calm though. For me and for our baby. As a lot of people have already said he deserves so much more. As for the house I can't buy him out but I can run the house by my salary alone but I wouldn't be able to remortgage without someone else joining on.

I went out today to escape for a break. Luckily he is back to work tomorrow and I'll have the house to myself with the baby. Peace will be restored for the day and it is lovely

For the pp who asked if there were red flags, how ended up in this situation the brief answer is yes there were red flags but things were improved and he wanted a family with me. Well I think he was lying but obviously I can't change the clocks back.

Jesus thankfully if you didn’t have a new baby I’d think you were my best friend. Even down to being the bread winner.

She’s been in the same position for 10 years now. She wants to leave but hadn’t the energy because he has sucked the life out of her. I wish I could shake her up and say ‘just fucking kick him out!’ But she has every reason under the sun to delay it.

I’ve told her she will end up a very bitter old woman.

It's hard to explain how the constant little digs and comments make you feel and the anger which can then ensue.

No explanation necessary. Those digs and comments are like a scabbed over sore that is constantly being picked open and made raw. It's infuriating. Especially because we know that exploding would do no good and usually makes things worse. It gives them more 'ammo' to beat us up with. That's why leaving becomes the only alternative if only to save our sanity.

If you can't buy him out/remortgage or if you have no one who would be willing to invest in the house with you, then the house will have to be sold. Please don't let that fact hold you back. Bricks and sticks, bricks and sticks. You can get another house someday, but you and your boy will never get another life. Don't squander it on the sunk costs fallacy regarding the house.

I'm assuming the house is either joint tenants or tenants in common? Did you ring-fence any money put forth for the deposit if you contributed more than he did? Honestly, I'd probably seek legal advice on the house issue. It may be really straightforward or there may be 'nuances' that may be beneficial to you.

I left a selfish lazy areshole when I had two kids under three and it was hte best decision ever. Before i did it I felt like leaving 'the family unit' was reprehensibly renegade and I only did it because I couldn't BEAR him a minute longer (although he was verbally abusive as well as lazy, entitled and selfish). He also insinuated that I was ''past it'' at 36 when I left him and that nobody else would have me. I wasn't leaving to have somebody else. I was leaving him because of how awful HE was.

It isn't easy leaving. But if you are prepared to go through the short term hurdles, adjustments, arrangements, practicalities......... and they are overwhelming yes, but go through them and you will find life EASIER not harder.

Being a single parent isn't easy. But it's only harder than sharing the parenting responsiblities with a father who helps with the kids and the house. If you are living with a selfish abusive lazy man who does nothing and takes his bad temper out on you then being a single parent will be a walk in the park. Not joking. I found life so much easier once I'd sorted all the new arrangements out.

I say this often, OP, but it is easier on the children if the adults end their relationship whilst the kids are very young because they grow accustomed to their parents living in separate homes and having separate lives. This is their norm.
Ask him to leave.

HI OP, you seem to want to stay because you don't want to give up the house - but if your house was burning down tomorrow you would really only want to save your child. So save your child and yourself, it does not matter if you end up in a very small flat or house, it will be a safe haven for you and your child.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/theres-a-cost-to-leaving-but-theres-also-a-cost-to-staying/