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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner has beaten me up today and held knife to my throat and I feel sorry fro him

63 replies

DoubleLife · 05/09/2007 22:47

He was arrested and is in prison now.
I've got black eye, half of my face is swallen and he left marks on my neck after trying to strangle me. I really thought he was going to kill me.

We have 14 weeks old dd and I know I have to leave him tonight. I am just waiting for my brother to come and collect our things.

but why I don't feel angry with him? Why do I feel sorry for him?
I'm crying over the life we could have together, our plans and dreams. I'm grieving the life that won't happen now. I'm feeling sorry for my dd who will grow up without a father.

I don't want advice really. I know what I have to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

DoubleLife · 05/09/2007 22:56

I know he will be release tomorrow morning and I'm leaving tonight with my brother

OP posts:

sparklygothkat · 05/09/2007 22:58

get away and don't go back please

fransmom · 05/09/2007 22:58

so what you doing on here then girlie? please go get your things (unless you have them already and are waiting for your bro). (((((((((((dl))))))))))

Overtiredmum · 05/09/2007 22:58

I don't think its that s traightforward DL. You need to sign a release which the Police will give you if you don't want to press charges against him. If not, he will go to court tomorrow and maybe then released on bail.

Original poster

DoubleLife · 05/09/2007 22:58

That how i feel. I somhow blame myself for what happened. how f...ing stupid of me

My anger has to come if I want to get through it

OP posts:

Beetroot · 05/09/2007 22:59

thank god you have somewhere to go.

With someone supportive

Who will talk sense into you when/if you suggest going back to him - bechasue you loe him!!

Be strong.

he is mad

Don't be anohter statistic

Good Luck

Overtiredmum · 05/09/2007 22:59

Anyway, I have to go now because my cab has arrived to take me home. Stay strong, I hope all is OK and I will catch up on this tomorrow.

Original poster

DoubleLife · 05/09/2007 23:01

i'm going to pack now

thank you for listening to me

OP posts:

Aitch · 05/09/2007 23:01

oh doublelife, how sad. grieve and grieve for the life you might have had, but get right pissed off at the man who you thought was going to leave your child an orphan this morning.

it's all his fault, you know that.

sparklygothkat · 05/09/2007 23:02

please please don't blame yourself, I could never get through to my neighbour, i woukd tell her it wasn't her fault, yet she still would find excuses for his behaviour. She is still with him, and has 2 kids with him, I last saw her a few years back and she looks so sad

fransmom · 05/09/2007 23:02

it's not stupid because you think that somehow you should've sen the signs and been able to stop him/change him/ talk to him/.... so i understan how you are blaming yourself sweetheart, this is sometimes a natural thing to do, i would think (please, someone, correct me if i am wrong) this is the first stage of grief, blaming yourself.

please get out of the house then return to mn

Dior · 05/09/2007 23:02

Message withdrawn

GreebosWhiskers · 05/09/2007 23:03

The anger will come when the shock wears off. By getting away from him you're doing the best thing you can for your daughter as well as for yourself. Don't feel sorry for him, he did this to you - you didn't make him do it & you have nothing to feel guilty or sorry for.

I really really hope you get through this - MN is a great place to turn to when you need help or advice. Take care x

Blu · 05/09/2007 23:08

You need to keep your anger, self-protection and determination strong. He isn't in prison - he's in a cell in the police station, and will be out tomorrow.
Are you in the Metropolitan police area? (don't answer that on here if you don't want to) they always prosecute 'domestic' violence, even if the woman herself fails to press charges. if the police don't do it themselves, you will need to. And seek advice as to how to protect yourself - hopefully the police will advise tomorrow.

Call Women's Aid and talk it all over.

Good luck, stay very very strong.

empen · 05/09/2007 23:12

Stay strong because when he comes to see you or contact you he will most likely say anything and everything he can to get you back. You need to bottle the feelings you have right now and save them for when that phone call comes. It will happen again if you go back.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 05/09/2007 23:16

shouldn't you also get a restraining order against him?
I'm not upon these things, butmy neighbours partner beat her up for the last time, last month.
she had him arrested and pressed charges. he is out now but she has a restraining order against him as he tried to get back into the house as soon as he was released.

mamazon · 05/09/2007 23:18

you feel sorry for him because your hormones are all over the place, you are in shock and you still love him.

knowing that something is wrong doesn't stop you wanting it anyway. your head and your heart are seperate for a reason.

i have left my abusive partner for almost 3 years now but there are times that i still long for him to give me a hug. i still want to slap myself whenever i catch myself feeling like that, but i feel it none the less.

you are strong and you are doing teh right thing. please know that for a man to be as violant as you have described there can be no turning back, he needs help but he needs to get that on his own...away from you.

im sorry you have had to go through this but i am glad you have the support of family and friends. stay strong for your DD. what you are doing is incredibly brave, well done

divastrop · 05/09/2007 23:27

i second what empen says.

i felt sorry for my xp whan he was arrested after giving me a black eye,broken nose,and trying to strangle me.i felt like i had caused him to be put in the cells.

please be careful,you know in your head that he is no good and will do it again if given the chance,but he will be so sorry and say everything he can to win you round when he gets out,and these feelings of sympathy will return.its not your fault-he has ground you down over 5 years.you want your baby to have a daddy.

please,talk to your brother,tell him you need help staying strong.ask him to remind you what your partner did if you start to feel sorry for him again.

im sorry if this doesnt make much sense,its just i can clearly remember feeling the way you do now,even though for me it was almost 8 years ago(my dd1 was 16 weeks old at the time),and i wish so much that i had stayed strong back then and not taken him back,as it only got worse untill i finally left him for good 6.5 years ago.

keep posting.stay strong xxx

oranges · 05/09/2007 23:31

\oh, you sound amazing, strong and kind. Your baby is lucky to have a mother like you to grow up with. Good luck with the future. Fortune favours the brave, and you are being very, very brave.x

Original poster

DoubleLife · 06/09/2007 01:05

I am all packed now. The flat is half empty.
It's breaking my heart to look at it.

I know in my head that i'm doing the right thing but my heart is broken.

It makes me feel sick to feel this away but the only thing i want at the moment is to give him a hug. I already miss him so much.

But i will go and will stay away him as i can't let my lovely daughter to witness scenes like today

thank you again for your kind posts.

OP posts:

slim22 · 06/09/2007 02:01

B strong. Refuse to see him untill you start getting over all those mixed feelings.
hugs

flightattendant · 06/09/2007 06:02

Doublelife (((((((())))))))

I'm so sorry reading this, I know how you feel.

You need to turn it around sweetheart, or you'll go back and let him do it again...

Think about it as if it were you doing the hitting, the injuring. Would you do that to him????
If you love someone you just don't hurt them like that.
You need to realise that he doesn't love you and that is very, very hard when you adore someone. But it helps you save yourself ..and your child. Really it helps if you know that the bit you miss, that hug, that kiss, was not given for the same reasons as you hugged and kissed him.

Heartbreaking indeed. I'm so sorry. If he decides to get serious help, and does so, then by all means..but make him prove it first and it will take years to make a difference to his behaviour.

My grandmother's husband was abusive and violent, an alcoholic, an intelligent, wonderful man who beat the crap out of her and her kids for years. Finally she said it was her or the drink and threw him out, he got help, he gave it up and their fourth child had a reasonably stable life...pity about the other three

He died still with my Grandmother, they were happy, but he had to stop drinking to keep her.

You can still allow yourself to love someone even if they are not there It may be safer that way.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/09/2007 09:36

Don't know if you have access to MN at your brother's but... do remember that you cannot help him to get better. You have not abandoned him - he has abandoned you in favour of his mistress, Drink. Attila the Meerkat gives such good advice on this. By taking him back you are not helping him through his problem, you are enabling him to carry on with it. Strange though it may seem, you are doing him a favour as well as yourself and your child by leaving. And you will be doing him the worst turn of all if you give him the chance to become a murderer.

Feel sorry for your dd by all means, and focus on the fact that your duty is to protect her. She will be next on his list when he's knocked you unconscious. That little soft, smiling, dependent, trusting person needs your help a whole lot more than an adult with muscles and knuckles.

toomanydaves · 06/09/2007 10:48

Doublelife, just wanted to add support. You know you have done the right thing - your dd is 14 weeks, your partner is an adult and however much you love him, his behaviour cannot be condoned or allowed to happen again. I am really sorry this happened to you, and that he has such problems. But you have to put you and dd first. Wishing you much strength and courage for the next bit.

Riss70 · 06/09/2007 10:56

Show empathy if you feel that way - that's ok and don't feel guilty for doing that. You are human and apparently a generous and loving one.

If you return you are placing youself at a signfiigant risk of being severely or lethaly injured and perhaps your child as well (without taking into account the psychological and emotional damage to both you and your child)

I beleive you are doing the right thing and hopefully you are in the right 'space' to stick by your choice - trylu better no daddy or a stand in than a daddy that will teach her that the realtionship her mother has accepted is what she sould expect in life.

GOOD LUCK AND TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR DD (hugs toboth of you)

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