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Original poster

Don't think he is the father

39 replies

NCHeIsntTheDad · 29/02/2020 17:39

NC for this. Please be gentle with me!

My brother is engaged to my best friend. We're all very close to each other. They've been together a few years and live together. Really happy for them both and make a great couple.

My friend has told me that she's pregnant. Definitely pregnant, not a maybe. Normally I would be really happy. But I very much doubt that my brother is the father because I know he is infertile as this is why his previous marriage broke up.

I honestly don't know what to say to who and when. So I understand there could be some miraculous chance he is actually the father, but that is very very unlikely. I also assumed my brother had told my friend he was infertile, but it seems like he hasn't. And it's entirely possible he has and they have some arrangement I don't know about.

I could say nothing and see what unfolds but I feel like I'm now part of it.

OP posts:
Lenny1980 · 29/02/2020 17:42

Leave it to your brother to deal with. Presumably he knows she’s pregnant?

crispysausagerolls · 29/02/2020 17:43

Yikes - is he 100% infertile or could it be that he and his ex weren’t a good match reproductively but he is with your friend?

Either way, he will find out she is pregnant and do the maths himself if he can’t be the father...

SittingAround1 · 29/02/2020 17:46

Say nothing. Your brother knows he's infertile so he'll know what's going on.

They may have sought fertility treatment without telling anyone.
Maybe they used a sperm donor but don't want to announce it and will tell people quietly in their own time.
Also you don't know whether or not he told her he was infertile.

Do you know if he was infertile in the sense he had no sperm whatsoever ?

KahlanRahl · 29/02/2020 17:47

Maybe they had fertility treatments and didn't tell you? Or maybe he does have a sperm problem but it's not totally 0 (it hardly ever is really).

Dozer · 29/02/2020 17:47

Has friend told him about the pregnancy? If not then telling you was a shitty thing to do.

Would say / do nothing. Between them.

KahlanRahl · 29/02/2020 17:48

Or maybe they talked about it and used donor sperm? My uncle and aunt did that. They wanted a child but he couldn't so they used a donor and only told a handful of people.

Isadora2007 · 29/02/2020 17:50

Ummm do nothing. Wait until your brother knows and you can quietly ask him what’s going on. FWIW my friend had two children with someone who had been considered infertile with his ex wife.

PotteringAlong · 29/02/2020 17:51

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Say nothing at all. It’s not like he won’t know if he is infertile. As others have said, there’s a whole lot of ways this might have come avout

edwinbear · 29/02/2020 17:52

Presumably your brother is aware that you know he’s infertile? If so, I’m sure he will explain to you in his own good time. Maybe they’ve used a donar.

AudTheDeepMinded · 29/02/2020 17:56

Do not say anything, for heaven's sake. It's not like your brother is not going to realise if it's not his is he? and they may have made an arrangement you are unaware of. And I had a friend who was deemed infertile as was her husband. After three IVF children guess what? they conceived a child naturally. Keep out and offer support as necessary.

RandomMess · 29/02/2020 17:56

I would keep quiet your DB will come and talk to you if there is an issue.

TreeTopTim · 29/02/2020 18:00

I would stay out of it. It's not like she can hide the pregnancy/baby from your db.

ittakes2 · 29/02/2020 18:07

My husband's sperm was so bad that when we had IVF the doctor's chose to use ICSI (where they crack open the egg and insert the sperm) because they didn't trust his sperm to get the job done! But from my experience, I can tell you that unless a man has absolutely no sperm in his ejaculate - it only takes one sperm to enter an egg so just one sperm is enough. Technically, my husband after having four-five sperm tests is considered infertile - in reality he has functioning sperm because we have two wonderful healthy twins. I have also read that a young woman's healthy eggs can help resolve dodgy DNA in a man's sperm. Your brother might not have been able to get his ex to fall pregnant - but maybe everything aligned for him and your best friend. Regardless, your brother knows better than anyone whats going on with his sperm so if he is not surprised she is pregnant than I think you have nothing to worry about.

partofthepeanutgallery · 29/02/2020 18:21

Why do you think your brother is infertile ... not just he told you ... but what was the reason for the infertility.

mnahmnah · 29/02/2020 18:28

I’d presume they used a sperm donor before I jumped to the conclusion of another man involved. Or your brother would have said or done something to prevent the news coming out. If he knew the baby wasn’t his, but the product of infidelity, they wouldn’t be merrily announcing it, surely, given that people know he’s infertile?

Flutteringsatlast · 29/02/2020 18:31

My exh had 3 dc. At his vasectomy appointment his Dr told him he could not have been a df. He def was!!
Strange things happen op. Keep out of it is my advice.

ahsan · 29/02/2020 19:04

Say something you’ll look bad in both their eyes. Keep quiet

formerbabe · 29/02/2020 19:08

I assume your brother knows she's pregnant and knows about his own fertility or lack of.

Was he told his chances of fathering a child were low or zero? If low, then the child may well be biologically his. Or maybe they used a donor? Who knows.

Don't say anything

Kirkman · 29/02/2020 19:11

I am with my best friends brother (not pregnant so not me). I would be furious if my best friend assumed I cheated on him. I would hope she knew me well enough to know that cheating, is something I would never do.

You say you know he is infertile because that why his marriage broke down.

Was that diagnosed by, a doctor? And he theres no sperm at all?

I my ex sil got pregnant to a man who said he was infertile. He wasnt, he had been trying with his ex for years. When they split up she got pregnant to someone else. He assumed he was infertile.

CalleighDoodle · 29/02/2020 19:14

They could have used donor sperm. If you assume cheating, there must be a reason for that???

BumbleBeee69 · 29/02/2020 19:18

oh dear 😳

Kikkoman · 29/02/2020 19:21

Was he diagnosed by a GP? Had proper testing?

otterhound · 29/02/2020 19:26

How far gone?
i would assume the op would know if they had used a sperm donor as her friend or brother would have said.

I would assume she has been shagging about. But say nothing as when she tells him he can make his own mind up

SemperIdem · 29/02/2020 19:29

I’d guess they have had fertility treatment rather than she’s cheated.

BobbyBlueCat · 29/02/2020 19:33

Wait for your brother to find out.
If he doesn't storm out and break up with her, then you can just say "I thought you couldn't have kids?"
If you're as close to your brother as you say, then he'll have no issue with you asking.