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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do I do :(

39 replies

candycanesxo · 29/02/2020 16:47

I'm in a 7 year relationship my boyfriend no kids or marriage as just not happend I quess not sure wanting children (
I'm 26) he is 27. We have had ups and downs past 6 months general lack of dating/spending time together. We don't seem have much in common diffrent tastes in film, music and sex drives but I am okay with this. He is loyal and kind makes me laugh and still look forward being with him. He is trying hard make it work and I love that he is very loyal to me

My dilemma is a man at work... He is 30 and I know he fancies me but has recently just got into a relationship of his own, his co workers have told me and I feel myself drawn to him when I see him like an electric current can't explain but it's got me hooked we bounce off each other and is a real chemistry I never had or felt before ..... I wouldn't cheat but I'm always thinking about him during work and look forward seeing him it's making me question my current relationship. Me this guy at work seem have bit more in common and find him very attractive ..

I keep questioning my situation all the time, how know what a normal healthy happy relationship is if its all i have ever been in??
Xx

It makes me sad and upset to think of ending my relationship so then why am I soo hoodwinked by this other man at work!

OP posts:

Lozzerbmc · 29/02/2020 16:54

I think your relationship has simply run its course. You got together so young, perhaps now you are going and growing up in different directions. Do you live together?

AudTheDeepMinded · 29/02/2020 16:55

Do you romantically love your partner or are you just best friends now. You've known one another since very young, it would be shame to stay together just because you are frightened to go it alone or that you are too comfortable as you are.

MashedSpud · 29/02/2020 17:00

The guy at work has just got into a relationship.

How often do you and bf see each other? Not being mean but seven years and not even moved in together?

TorkTorkBam · 29/02/2020 17:06

Lots of people break up in their mid twenties and go on to have a much better relationship. People grow and change a lot between 19 and 26.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are really just friends. It has run its course.

cakecakecheese · 29/02/2020 17:58

You got together pretty young and it's natural to have these sorts of feelings. You have to take this other guy out of the equation and think about what you really want. Do you have someone understanding you can talk things over with? Mum, sister etc?

Krong · 29/02/2020 18:06

Sounds like you are settling because you're comfortable. After less than 10 years together you shouldn't really feel that indifferent towards each other! Go find some passion and connection.

Original poster

candycanesxo · 29/02/2020 18:48

It's so confusing :( yes we do live together, how can it be settling if I still love him? Just not sure what I'm meant to do when nothing bad has happend just kind of thing is this it??

I mean I still want to do dates with him and go holidays and yes I am comfortable but isn't that normal? And I don't think I'm frightened to be alone it makes me upset to think I would never see him again .
And I'm not sure how what the difference between romantic love and best friend love is?? It's all confusing! X

OP posts:

Original poster

candycanesxo · 29/02/2020 18:49

I still want sex and cuddles with him it's just when I see this man at work I know we both feel the connection but are in relationships.

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 29/02/2020 19:10

Your attraction to the other man is flagging up what you are missing. A real connection of some kind it seems. You sound kind of bored. You are too young to be boringly stable and comfortable. Shouldn't you be considering moving to New York or blagging your way into a massive promotion at work or such like?

Original poster

candycanesxo · 29/02/2020 19:13

I'm not sure :( all I know is I feel upset thought of loosing him.. and yes I quess I am bored don't have many friends up here either uh love is so hard and complicated 😓

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 29/02/2020 19:23

What would you do with your life now if you decided to move on?

carly2803 · 29/02/2020 19:23

i think your relationship has run its course. Take anyone else (new guy) out of the equation, and stop listening to gossip.

End this relationship, be alone for a while and move on before you have kids!
you clearly are not happy.

Original poster

candycanesxo · 02/03/2020 10:42

I would move back to my mum's of I decided to move on yes I don't want to stay together just because I'm comfortable but I get upset at thought leaving him so dosnt this mean I don't want to go??

I'm so confused and know there is no right answer.. 😓

This other man at work has started messaging me and I am responding I really don't know what to do

OP posts:

mycatsmellsbad · 02/03/2020 10:47

Firstly, stop messaging the guy at work, it’s muddying the waters. This isn’t about him this is about your failing relationship.

You need to work out whether it’s run it’s course or if it can be improved - it’s not normal to be looking elsewhere if you’re content with your existing partner.

If you decide it’s over, leave THEN start a new relationship - and preferably one where they’re not already dating someone...

TorkTorkBam · 02/03/2020 10:51

You are upset about change I think.

If you were really happy you would not be starting down the affair path.

Cut your losses. Be kind. Give him a chance to find someone who has that fizz of electricity with him. You are both too young for a slippers and cocoa type relationship.

TorkTorkBam · 02/03/2020 10:53

Have you considered getting some counselling to talk through your decisions with someone who can help you navigate the choices facing you?

totallydevoidofideas · 02/03/2020 11:05

It used to be called the Seven Year Itch when I was a youngster. Your feelings for the guy at work are a test for you - what do you do when you find someone who is exciting and you find interesting? It will happen again, you can be sure of that, so how strong is it? Is it worth dumping your boyfriend, or can you just ignore it and move on? It might just indicate your relationship has run its course, as pp have said, or it might just mean this is the start of real life with him where your feelings are maturing and changing into something new. Try ignoring the guy at work and see how that goes.

Original poster

candycanesxo · 02/03/2020 13:33

I know it's really hard I have tried ignoring him at work but he is always there and we have alot more in common and I can't seem stop wanting talk to him. We stop talking few months then he will message me or we talk at work.

I really am not sure what to do I don't want to settle but don't want to leave him either as it hurts me but I keep wondering about other guy. :(

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/03/2020 21:42

We don't seem have much in common diffrent tastes in film, music and sex drives

This would lead me to think that you've grown apart as you've matured. Your tastes and interests change a lot during your twenties. It doesn't make either of you bad or in the wrong.

I don't think couples have to like all the same things, but if you don't ever want b tv/films together, if you can't discuss the news/politics/books/work, if you don't ever go and do things out of the house that you both enjoy, and if you're not having toe-curling sex, then what's the point? You're just amicable housemates.

MMmomDD · 02/03/2020 21:53

Generally - most people don’t end up spending their lives with someone they met at 19.
It took you only 7 years to get to point of not having much in common. What will happen in another 10...
You are used to each other and inertia and habit and possibly fear are holding you together.
There is a reason why you are feeling so attracted to this other man. It’s because your relationship has run it’s course.
Sorry

category12 · 02/03/2020 22:00

You're well on your way to having an affair and fucking everything up with your partner, and ending up with him hating you.

Original poster

candycanesxo · 03/03/2020 06:37

But how can it run its course if still love them and hurts me :( really need think what need to do, we still go out together when we have time off and do watch TV and movies when we can.

Thank you all everyone for helping me X

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 03/03/2020 06:53

We don't seem have much in common diffrent tastes in film, music and sex drives but I am okay with this...

Do you REALLY want this to be your life for the next 60 years? Of course you don't, but it's all academic because you already know that this relationship is not going to go the distance.

.... how can it run its course if still love them

You are in love with a combination of an unrealistic ideal and the remnants of what you used to have. What is keeping you in the I still love him mindset is your fear of being alone, of potentially throwing away something good, of being ill equipped to find someone else, et cetera - in other words a whole bunch of confusing thoughts and emotions.

TheStuffedPenguin · 03/03/2020 07:09

You've got two things entwined here - the relationship that started when young and has run its course . Happens to many, many young people. You just have to be brave and move on .
Then there is the office bit of sparky fun - it's addictive BUT if this man is in a relationship and talking to you then he's not a good man .

Shakermaker8 · 03/03/2020 07:20

I have had these feelings for people at work whilst in a relationship and more than once. One of them I thought I was totally in love with when in fact I couldn’t have been as we hadn’t even kissed or anything. It was just a front feeling. I believe that there are many people out there that you could be compatible with in life and that tests will come along from time to time. Maybe have the chat with your partner and see where you are heading. If you still have some feelings there then all is not lost. You have probably got stuck in a rut. Go out together more and see if it rekindles things. If it doesn’t then call it a day, be on your own for a while and start afresh.

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