Affair, guilt, divorce - long post!

[Lightinthedarkness]

I’m new here, bit unfortunately it’s on negative terms.
To put it plainly, I’ve been adulterous and never ever thought i would be. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 6 years, married 2.5, we have a 4 yo together and I have two others from a previous relationship. Everything was going fine until a year after the wedding and my husbands social life changed, he started taking drugs, staying out all night, he was wasn’t present in the marriage at all. i was so unhappy at that time, I couldn’t believe how much had changed. I tried to end the marriage a couple of times but he said he would change etc. Then, it got really bad, a mutual male friend got in touch, just friendly to begin with but that soon changed into a physical ‘affair’. There was no emotion involved and no words exchanged really, it was just a tiny bit of relief to fill the void. He’d come to mine a couple of times but mostly took place in his car (I look back on this now and I’m disgusted in myself). This went on for a few months until just after Christmas I no longer wanted to be involved with the affair or the OM. I cut off all ties completely. It was like I woke up and realised what the hell I was doing.
OM and I agreed to keep quiet and move on. Well, only, I can’t move on!
I realise now that my marriage is tainted forever. The last two months I’ve been wracked with that much guilt, I’ve been suicidal at times. My husband and I discussed the difficult patch we had and we’ve changed our lifestyles massively. I love him so much, he works so hard for the family and I feel devastated that I’ve treat him this way.
Where do I go from here? Keep this huge secret forever and live with the guilt? Say I want to separate but not mention the affair to spare his heart from shattering into a million pieces? I never want to break his heart - ever, but the sad reality is that I’ve ruined the marriage forever whether I stay with him or not. He’s not all innocent but I’m sure he’s never cheated. He’s visited strip club behind me back, has lots of social media but I trust him completely. He loves me unconditionally and will be devastated if/when we separate.
So, anyone thinking of embarking on an affair of any kind, don’t. It’s the biggest regret of my life and I’ll carry it forever. Where the hell do I go from here?!

It sounds like your marriage was over a long time ago and you only want to try now because of the affair guilt.

Ask yourself first if you really want to be with your husband for the long term and there's no chance you'll ever do it again , then go from there.
Is there any chance OM will come back to your life? Does anyone else in rl knows about the affair?

It sounds like you had an exit affair then bottled the exit part. The affair was a distraction, now the guilt is a distraction. What's stopping you leaving?

It sounds like the marriage was already over.

But why do you want to stay with your husband? He doesn’t sound great either, to be fair!

I do want to be with my husband, I love him dearly, we have a good life together and we’re very close. I just don’t always approve of his social life. We’ve been much happier in recent months, both put more effort into the marriage but this aftermath of the affair is etched on my mind.

No one knows about this. And I can absolutely say I will never do this again for as long as I live. The heartbreak has been immense. Absolutely no chance the OM man will do this again. He has a fiancée and a lot to lose. He’s begged me to stay quiet.

I guess I’m also thinking about the child we share together, child would be devastated to not have both parents live with him.

I honestly wish I could move on in my marriage and forget this but it’s a huge secret to keep for the rest of my life.

If you really want to stay with him then you have a stark choice: take the risk of telling him about the affair, or carry the secret forever.

Why not try some counselling alone (Relate will do this) to help you work it all through?

But he’s still taking drugs?

It sounds like you are to scared to leave your druggy husband and were hoping to be rescued but couldn't go through with it.

I think you should have left before cheating and should still leave now but there is no point hurting him with your confession. Just leave explaining all the reasons are about how your relationship isn't worth saving.

Yes I agree Relate alone can help too.

Only socially, which I’ve told him I don’t like.

And does he still stay out all night?

In hindsight I think I used the affair to cover the cracks in the marriage. I should never have been unfaithful I know that, I’ve learned huge lessons about myself from this.
Everyone thinks we have a perfect marriage, and my husband just seems oblivious to our problems.

@OhCaptain yes he has often stayed out all night with friends or stayed out and returned at 5am. He just doesn’t know when to come home after a night out.

No not oblivious. You told him so that's impossible.

He does not care. That's the thing.

Your posts are full of opposite statements, like you are trying to convince yourself of a lie but the truth keeps popping its head up.

In what way are you very close? Nothing you've described about him and you sounds good. What is good?

Personally I'd just forget it and move on. I don't know why women insist on filling their lives with guilt, feelings of failure and anxiety.

is he racked with guilt about what he did - I very much doubt it, he just knows if it carried on he's lose his relationship and his child.

I'd just look at it as something that happened as a result of his failures and the dresdful effect it had on your marriage and think no more of it, there are two people in this relationship and nobody behaved well so draw a line under it.

What is the alternative, because I can tell you if you tell him that's another child without a dad and the end of your marriage. Men don't get over infidelity and there is absolutely no reason to tell all. he will go balistic and probably start taking drugs again.

You should be kinder to yourself this is not all your fault so I don't see why you should suffer for it. Go and enjoy your life.

Oh he knows when to come home. He just doesn’t want to.

Sorry, I’m not team affair here but I fail to see why you want to be with this man.

Nights out are fine. But constantly staying out all night and taking drugs? And didn’t you say he wasn’t present in your relationship?

When you’re a parent you don’t get to be “not present”.

He sounds like a dick to me!

I guess when we’re at home, we’re all lovey dovey. He recently got a higher paid job but me and dc are yet to see any of the money really. I still pay for most things. I’ve been in times of hardship and he’s still bought an Xbox. We’ve had a car that needs repairing but he refuses to spend the money on it.
I’m scared about the financial impact of being single again I can’t lie, I work 20 hrs on min wage. I worry about the impact separation will have on our child. But I know he’ll go off and enjoy the single life with all his money that I’ve never seen and have a great time. It’s such a shame. When I married him I thought I was set up for life. I genuinely thought the affair was the reason for everything I feel but you all have pointed out things I failed to see before.

I still do not condone my actions and will never repeat them again. Now I need to amicably split, sort out finances, etc. Keep my head above water. I’ve cried every single day for two months over this.

Fake lovey dovey. I bet it doesn't stay lovey dovey for long if you object to subsidising his lifestyle ir demand he does his share. I bet he gets nasty right quick then, true?

Look it’s not easy for the life you thought you had to come crashing down.

But it sounds like you’re trying to convince us that your marriage was great when it reality it sounds anything but.

You don’t need to be packed and gone by next week or anything but it’s definitely something you should look into. For your son sake!

He’s not the angry type, he’s actually very kind with words. He’ll still do whatever he wants though. He stayed out last night (his friend has just separated from his wife) and he wanted to support him so asked if he could stay over with his friends at their house.
I honestly don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to start and I’m about to break into a million pieces.

What happens when you tell him to get the car fixed and such like?

So, we had a discussion. He know knows about the affair, and turns out he’s done the same, but apparently he’s never actually slept with the person. I don’t know how much of the I believe. He wants to work it out though, he’s adamant we can work past this and move on. I honestly don’t know. It’s been the most horrendous day. Either way, he’s agreed to counselling and I think it’ll help him see the situation more carefully.

You need counselling too light

You are relying on his counselling resulting in a major major change in his outlook. Don't bank on it. You need to bring some things under your own control.

You've let him trample all over you before. Deal with your issues too. Get yourself your own counselling as a priority.

Also, tell him to start paying his fair share of expenses too as a show of good intent.

No surprise he has been having affairs of his own (bet they plural were full sex affairs)
Ok, so counselling, what have you got to lose? Just don't take guilt for something he has been doing as well