Affair, guilt, divorce - long post!

[Lightinthedarkness]

I’m new here, bit unfortunately it’s on negative terms.
To put it plainly, I’ve been adulterous and never ever thought i would be. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 6 years, married 2.5, we have a 4 yo together and I have two others from a previous relationship. Everything was going fine until a year after the wedding and my husbands social life changed, he started taking drugs, staying out all night, he was wasn’t present in the marriage at all. i was so unhappy at that time, I couldn’t believe how much had changed. I tried to end the marriage a couple of times but he said he would change etc. Then, it got really bad, a mutual male friend got in touch, just friendly to begin with but that soon changed into a physical ‘affair’. There was no emotion involved and no words exchanged really, it was just a tiny bit of relief to fill the void. He’d come to mine a couple of times but mostly took place in his car (I look back on this now and I’m disgusted in myself). This went on for a few months until just after Christmas I no longer wanted to be involved with the affair or the OM. I cut off all ties completely. It was like I woke up and realised what the hell I was doing.
OM and I agreed to keep quiet and move on. Well, only, I can’t move on!
I realise now that my marriage is tainted forever. The last two months I’ve been wracked with that much guilt, I’ve been suicidal at times. My husband and I discussed the difficult patch we had and we’ve changed our lifestyles massively. I love him so much, he works so hard for the family and I feel devastated that I’ve treat him this way.
Where do I go from here? Keep this huge secret forever and live with the guilt? Say I want to separate but not mention the affair to spare his heart from shattering into a million pieces? I never want to break his heart - ever, but the sad reality is that I’ve ruined the marriage forever whether I stay with him or not. He’s not all innocent but I’m sure he’s never cheated. He’s visited strip club behind me back, has lots of social media but I trust him completely. He loves me unconditionally and will be devastated if/when we separate.
So, anyone thinking of embarking on an affair of any kind, don’t. It’s the biggest regret of my life and I’ll carry it forever. Where the hell do I go from here?!

My best friend made a point that I jumped from my previous relationship to this one maybe too quickly and I haven’t had any self discovery during my adulthood. I’ll still be going to counselling for myself too definitely. I just want things to be amicable for our child’s sake. He’s the most important person in this entire mess.

I don’t want to hear about his wrongdoings and he doesn’t of mine (I’d sooner forget the affair ever happened asap). What’s done is done, time to see how we can move past this. Whether that ends in amicable divorce or we try and work at the marriage which feels doomed anyway at this stage. It feels like I’ve completely taken blame for my part in the failings of the marriage but he hasn’t. He’s said sorry but I just don’t know. Time will tell.

If you want to be with your husband, leave the past in the past. There is a risk he could learn of your affair, but in your shoes, I wouldn’t tell him of the affair, assuming you want only him.

Get yourself organised for leaving. Make your plans. If you never use them no harm done. If you do reach the point where you want him under the patio then you will know how to proceed.

@Winterlife unfortunately I just couldn’t keep that secret. It didn’t feel right to me and it was breaking my heart. Turns out he’s done similar, but more social media ‘affairs’.

But whatever happens we’ve both agreed never to do this again. We’ve both realised what we have to lose. I do genuinely love him as he does me. I just hope we can get past this. Either way, I’m having a plan b in place should the shit hit the fan again. Going to have some savings in place, etc.

If he’s forgiven you, that’s great. Others have done so, but it’s a big thing. I’m uncertain as to whether I could forgive that.

I think you should separate and divorce. The marriage is dead in the water. You're just trying to convince yourself it's not because of your guilt over the affair. Do you really want to stay with a man who stays out all night and takes recreational drugs like he's still 17? Take your child and go. See a solicitor.

This is a shit relationship to model for children.

You've both had affairs
He visits strip clubs
He takes drugs
He stays out all night and doesn't come home
He gets a pay rise and you don't see any of the benefits
You're in times of financial hardship and he won't (but can afford to) help out
OP wake up.