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Original poster

Might be partners child?

74 replies

Ginanddisco · 28/02/2020 21:03

DP and I have been together around 3 years. We have a one year old son together.
Shortly after our son was born I discovered pictures of my partner on an old device with a young child. I asked about them and found out this..
A few years before we met he was having casual unprotected sex with a woman, said woman ended up pregnant. He knew that he wasn't the only person she was sleeping with at the time so wasn't convinced the child was definitely his, but she was adamant. Any time he questioned it she and her family began making threats towards his etc (his family knew nothing about it). So child was born and he had a small amount of involvement to keep peace (her family threatening violence towards his) until he could find out if he was father or not. She refused a DNA test. He reckons she claimed he was the father for money, as he knows other people she was sleeping with were unemployed.

This is his version of events and as much as I know. He eventually stopped seeing them and stopped giving her money, I'm not exactly sure how it came to an end. The pictures weren't a lot, but a mix of baby till about three.

He seems happy to just forget it and leave it in the past, however this doesn't sit right with me. Purely from the perspective of our son. He is utterly convinced that the child isn't his, but he has no black and white evidence. The child is only a few years older than my son and it terrifies me to think that it will affect him at some point in his life, if my DP had pictures on an old device then I imagine the chances of the child's mother having the same pictures are high. I also think the chances of none of it ever coming up again are slim.
I can only imagine how devastated I would have been as a teen if something like that surfaced about my family (given they live in the next town so it's not impossible they end up at the same school).
How can I protect my son any hypothetical situations without giving him unnecessary information about his father from before I met him, let alone before he was born?

I don't know if I've quite conveyed my worries regarding it very well. But does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

ahsan · 29/02/2020 12:59

Your DH is a pig, I’m in exactly the same situation where a man has left me pregnant, paid for nothing and is walking free outside while I put on tons of weight gained health issues etc. My baby isn’t born yet but I know he is 100 percent the father and he knows this too. What he is saying is all lies how can you believe someone so shallow. Think personally the mother didn’t want nothing to do with him as he was a pain and decided life would be easier without him in it. I’ve decided the same, why give yourself a headache over a few pounds. And don’t expect your child will be any different will abandon him too claim he isn’t his as well and say he was doing you a favour. What a freak. Plenty of men like this out their but this type should be avoided. Should try contact her, I’m sure she will have plenty to say.

SudokuQueen · 29/02/2020 13:00

She decided he was dad because he had money, and all these other men she was having sex with (really?) didn't.

To be fair that could be true. My partners ex did the same, cheated with a bunch of guys and decided he was the father as he was the only employed one. But they got a dna test and it proved he wasn't. She is a very 'brilliant' mum too. So there are people like that to be fair.

ahsan · 29/02/2020 13:06

I’m sorry your going through this but please don’t sleep with someone so fake he deserves to be on the street and don’t have anymore children he’s a monster and takes zero responsibility for his seed

ahsan · 29/02/2020 13:08

Surely SUDO he can make the effort to find out? He’s a freak to just leave it walk off

ahsan · 29/02/2020 13:09

Just abandoned his own flesh and blood blamed the mother and family walked off. Where is the fight for his child or even effort to find out the truth. He’s a complete waste of space

ahsan · 29/02/2020 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

strawberry2017 · 29/02/2020 13:15

I'd be questioning why she refused the DNA, if any man accused me of lying about something as serious as paternity id do one to prove him wrong and so I could claim CM from him.
I wouldn't stand for been called a liar. X

Flimflamfloogety · 29/02/2020 13:28

OP you have my sympathies, I can see the LTB crew are out in force today. The long and short of it is that none of us on here know what the truth is, and neither do you. There seems to be a fair few examples for either side of dead beat dad's and scabby mother's. Only a DNA test will prove if DH's story is true.

In terms of how to manage with your DC, there's a few things to consider

If the child is a sibling, would you want your child to have contact?
If it is DH's child, does he want to be involved?
Do you want to be a step mum?

If the answer to any of these questions is no, then in all honesty you need to forget about it and move on. You then need to be considering do you want to stay with DH, and can you move on from this?

No easy answers I'm afraid

BigFatLiar · 29/02/2020 13:37

It would be in his interest to do a DNA test just for him to know the truth.

As to your fears for the future it sounds as if your relationship is already rocky whether or not he's the father.

readitandwept · 29/02/2020 13:56

Couldn't he just have arranged his own DNA test without her even knowing?

Genuine question as I don't know how it works with the kits you buy online.

AgentJohnson · 29/02/2020 14:01

Given his dog in heat tendencies, I suspect that he probably has more baby mama’s, and you are just one of many.

BumbleBeee69 · 29/02/2020 14:08

I can think of a few reasons for this: one of which could be that OP's DP became an asshat that the woman thinks her child is better off without... His behaviour in your relationship might be relevant in whether that's a possibility, OP. It's often not as simple as one side of the equation behaving horribly - both sides may have.

I disagree... her entire family were threatening him... he WAS paying for the child... then what? she just decided not to pursue him anymore.. I'm not buying that at all...

Nowayorhighway · 29/02/2020 14:16

I find the situation rather bizarre OP. If you were having casual sex with a woman who you also knew was having sex with a multitude of other men and then she got pregnant, your very first thought would be to get a DNA test before going any further. You can apply for one through the courts which he should have done as soon as the baby was born. That would have cleared the situation up there and then and he could have reported her family to the police too.

Instead he had contact with the baby from birth until three years of age then suddenly dropped all contact and is adamant the child is not his? What changed in his life at this point, is that around the time he met you by any chance? Thought the kid would put you off so just dropped him?

It’s just suspicious behaviour. He must have some inkling the child is his, why else would he waste three years of his life bonding with him?

conduitoffortune · 29/02/2020 14:22

@SudokuQueen

*She decided he was dad because he had money, and all these other men she was having sex with (really?) didn't.

Yeah, but this man doesn't give her any money does he and she hasn't been pursuing him for money so clearly that wasn't her MO.

BumbleBeee69 · 29/02/2020 14:28

The childs Mother REFUSED all requests for a DNA test ...

conduitoffortune · 29/02/2020 14:37

So what? So that's the end of the matter? Forget court or just arranging a test himself, given that he was having contact? Ok.

BumbleBeee69 · 29/02/2020 14:45

times have changed... CMS has changed..,we're talking over 10 years ago.. things with the Child support agency were appalling back then.. I struggle to see evidence of much improvement.. He's not the father... its so obvious..

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/02/2020 14:50

If you were having casual sex with a woman who you also knew was having sex with a multitude of other men and then she got pregnant, your very first thought would be to get a DNA test

Any reasonable person would, yes, but too many of these "fathers" really don't care unless there's a chance they'll be expected to pay for the kids, and even then they often escape by suddenly becoming "self employed"

I'd add something about those who choose to create a child with such men, but that would probably be considered victim blaming and get me banned ...

BigFatLiar · 29/02/2020 14:50

I disagree... her entire family were threatening him... he WAS paying for the child... then what? she just decided not to pursue him anymore.. I'm not buying that at all...

Perhaps she's now in a proper relationship and doesn't need his cash. As for not seeing the child, unless he is on the birth certificate he's just a random male and he has no right to see the child.

There could be two scenarios - He isn't the childs father and has been coerced into paying for the child while it suited her or he is the childs father and she didn't wanted his contact to be disposable (let him see the child when he was paying and stopped when no longer convenient). It must have meant something to him or he wouldn't have kept the pictures.

BigFatLiar · 29/02/2020 14:51

Sorry -'didn't wanted' - 'wanted'

SudokuQueen · 29/02/2020 16:10

Yeah, but this man doesn't give her any money does he and she hasn't been pursuing him for money so clearly that wasn't her MO.

True but she might not be aware of what she can do. Or knows that he could demand a dna test through cms and it could be requested of her. She is refusing dna testing for some reason. Dunno why you would refuse to find out who your child's dad is. How is she going to explain that later on in life?

He isn't perfect no though and I wouldn't be with him. He could have also done more to get a dna test done really. He could have abandoned his child after all.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/03/2020 14:50

How are you OP ?

ferando81 · 01/03/2020 14:59

Why would she refuse a dna test unless she was pretty sure he wasn’t the dad.Probably the spit of one of her other boyfriends

BumbleBeee69 · 01/03/2020 15:03

fernando81 I agree

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