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Original poster

Might be partners child?

74 replies

Ginanddisco · 28/02/2020 21:03

DP and I have been together around 3 years. We have a one year old son together.
Shortly after our son was born I discovered pictures of my partner on an old device with a young child. I asked about them and found out this..
A few years before we met he was having casual unprotected sex with a woman, said woman ended up pregnant. He knew that he wasn't the only person she was sleeping with at the time so wasn't convinced the child was definitely his, but she was adamant. Any time he questioned it she and her family began making threats towards his etc (his family knew nothing about it). So child was born and he had a small amount of involvement to keep peace (her family threatening violence towards his) until he could find out if he was father or not. She refused a DNA test. He reckons she claimed he was the father for money, as he knows other people she was sleeping with were unemployed.

This is his version of events and as much as I know. He eventually stopped seeing them and stopped giving her money, I'm not exactly sure how it came to an end. The pictures weren't a lot, but a mix of baby till about three.

He seems happy to just forget it and leave it in the past, however this doesn't sit right with me. Purely from the perspective of our son. He is utterly convinced that the child isn't his, but he has no black and white evidence. The child is only a few years older than my son and it terrifies me to think that it will affect him at some point in his life, if my DP had pictures on an old device then I imagine the chances of the child's mother having the same pictures are high. I also think the chances of none of it ever coming up again are slim.
I can only imagine how devastated I would have been as a teen if something like that surfaced about my family (given they live in the next town so it's not impossible they end up at the same school).
How can I protect my son any hypothetical situations without giving him unnecessary information about his father from before I met him, let alone before he was born?

I don't know if I've quite conveyed my worries regarding it very well. But does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ginanddisco · 28/02/2020 22:49

@BemidjiMinnesota
What part do you think he is lying about?

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 28/02/2020 22:54

I'm not expecting you to answer the questions. I'm saying it doesn't add up at all. You surely know this but say it's not simple to leave for whatever reason, but he's deceived you and now has put your child in a potentially traumatic situation. If you don't find out the truth about this and your son finds out later then he might easily blame you for part of it.

And no i'm not naive, imagine someone threatening you that you better play along and act like daddy or else they'd beat you or your family up. Every normal person out there would tell them to get lost!!
No one would go along with something so stupid! If threats of violence didn't stop they'd go to the police, like people often do about weirdos making threats because those people are generally afraid of the consequences of the law!

The only time someone could make me go along with something like that would be if they were seriously seriously dangerous people who were above the law and didn't fear the consequences.

His story makes no sense at all!

Friendsofmine · 28/02/2020 22:54

Yes that makes total sense. I would be inclined to believe it is true and take that risk over the risk of him feeling lied to, but you know better than me which is the greater risk/likelihood.

user1481840227 · 28/02/2020 22:56

I clearly used the example of mafia to show how ridiculous his story was.

PumpkinP · 28/02/2020 22:59

I’m not sure what advice you want? The only way to find out if he is the father is to get a dna test. Can you contact her? I wouldn’t tell my son he has a brother without knowing for sure. You only have his side of the story.

Original poster
Ginanddisco · 28/02/2020 23:00

@Friendsofmine
Looking at it from that perspective maybe coming up with the most child friendly way meaning he has some knowledge without telling him anything for definite. Easier said than done I'm sure Hmm

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 28/02/2020 23:01

And no i'm not naive, imagine someone threatening you that you better play along and act like daddy or else they'd beat you or your family up. Every normal person out there would tell them to get lost!!

Agreed.

YappityYapYap · 28/02/2020 23:14

He's done a good number on you OP. You do realise that you're saying that a woman lied about her childs paternity all for the sake of financial gain but yet she hasn't gone to CMS nor has she carried out any of these threats that were made if he wasn't involved since he walked away. I know you said that you only have side of the story but you do seem to angle towards this woman being total scum and a liar and thinking your partner is the good one in all of this.

He isn't. It's his business to find out if the is the father of a child. He could have had a court ordered DNA test within a few months for a cost of a couple of hundred pounds. If he can't spare a couple of hundred pounds then he obviously isn't rolling in cash and able to be taken advantage of financially!

At the end of the day, he had unprotected sex with her and she may well not know who the father is but any decent father would make it his business to know and not just walk away. The woman does the hard bit of the pregnancy and birth and all the graft if the father is not present so the least he could do is fill out a few forms and find out for sure. A woman doesn't get to walk away and not be bothered, even if she took good prevention against pregnancy. She has to think about termination or being a mother. It's a lot to think about. Your partner really wouldn't have had to do much but he hasn't even done that. Be careful. You might find yourself a single mother soon and on the receiving end of his side of the story which isn't actually true

BemidjiMinnesota · 28/02/2020 23:22

@GinanddiscoGinanddisco

BemidjiMinnesota
What part do you think he is lying about?

Every part! In your 3 years together, you got pregnant and had your own baby yet your DP has never once mentioned his other purported child or that time he was the victim of a 3 year long campaign of bullying, extortion and forced child contact? Surely that would come up in conversation?

He didn't tell you voluntarily. After you found pictures he had to explain himself and conveniently in his explanation he is the victim. The child isn't his, the woman is a gold digging psycho, her family are violent criminals. It's like a story from Eastenders.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 28/02/2020 23:23

So he doesn't know for sure that the child isn't his

He just simply isn't interested then

He sounds lovely

Original poster
Ginanddisco · 28/02/2020 23:33

@YappityYapYap

No I'm not more towards my partners side I'm just going by the little information I have for a fact. I know for a fact that her family were threating toward his I saw the messages for myself. I also know she was demanding money as I saw the messages for myself. Other than that I can only say the side of the story I've been told. And I've made it clear it's only the story I've been told.
For what it's worth I anticipate being a single mother soon, unfortunately I was in a weak financial situation due to being on maternity leave months back when I found everything out, and I have no family to turn to after losing my mother last year. I'm doing what I need to do but unfortunately couldn't do it as soon as I would have liked.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 29/02/2020 01:06

She's likely NOT claiming CMS she knows there would be a DNA challenge... it's not his kid OP.. if it was she his kid she would be screaming from the rafters.. and demanding he pay for his child... she's not doing that... why? especially after the threatening behaviour of previous...

YappityYapYap · 29/02/2020 08:55

I think hearing more, it's highly likely that he isn't the father but he does need to go and find out for sure and he still hid it all from you OP

Mum4Fergus · 29/02/2020 09:06

However the subject matter I'm seeking advice on is how I can protect my son.

You can't. Not until you know the whole truth...and I think that may only become evident with a DNA test.

Mum4Fergus · 29/02/2020 09:07

Have you checks with Registry Offices to see who is named as father on birth certificate?

FinallyHere · 29/02/2020 09:24

had a DNA test enforced then like any reasonable person would

this ^

user1468348545 · 29/02/2020 10:33

I think the only thing in this situation that you can do, or should I say your partner can do, is go to court and get a DNA test. There are way too many if, buts and maybe but ultimately there's nothing you can do without doing that test.

category12 · 29/02/2020 10:49

She's likely NOT claiming CMS she knows there would be a DNA challenge... it's not his kid OP.. if it was she his kid she would be screaming from the rafters.. and demanding he pay for his child... she's not doing that... why?

I can think of a few reasons for this: one of which could be that OP's DP became an asshat that the woman thinks her child is better off without... His behaviour in your relationship might be relevant in whether that's a possibility, OP. It's often not as simple as one side of the equation behaving horribly - both sides may have.

user1498572889 · 29/02/2020 11:05

Something similar happened with my nephew his girlfriend never put him on the childs birth certificate. We all has lots of contact with the baby at first then there were lots of arguments and the baby’s mum decided that my nephew and his family were not allowed to see the child any more. My nephew started court proceedings and wanted to get a DNA test. One night he was badly beaten ( it almost took his life) and told to stay away my sister had to screw her letterbox shut and install cctv as someone poured petrol through her letterbox. The police and the family knew who did it but there was not enough evidence to prosecute. We have never seen the child again as the mum moved away and because there was no DNA test and my nephew was not on the birth certificate he felt the risk to the rest of his family was too great.

Musti · 29/02/2020 11:21

I think you need to discuss this with him. It can't be just swept under the carpet. You all need to know if the child is his.

Fantasiaa · 29/02/2020 11:35

So he’s not paying an CM but she says he’s the father ?

Why hasn’t she submitted any CM? Maybe because she knows he’s not the father?
Look, all anyone can do is speculate or/and pick sides. Either way, he’s wrong for not having told you & not having gotten a DNA test.

bowchicawowwow · 29/02/2020 12:09

Sounds like he's not the father to me. A DNA test cost would have sorted this quickly and easily.
I personally would let sleeping dogs lie.

I'm not sure how bothered I am about my kids having half siblings they don't know. I've not seen my ex / father of my eldest for at least 17 years and he's bound to have had further children.

AgentJohnson · 29/02/2020 12:13

Op what is the point in having answers now? Your soon to be Ex was having unprotected sex with someone who had multiple partners at the same time he chose to have unprotected sex with her, says enough about your Ex’s intelligence and scruples.

This child is either your soon to be Ex’s or not, there’s nothing for you to do. Your son won’t be the first child to have half siblings who he has no contact with.

This is a pointless distraction.

Frustratedandworried · 29/02/2020 12:25

Ds dad and I split when he was baby for a fairly outing but Serious reason. He tried to avoid paying CSA by saying he wasnt the dad.... CSA offered a DNA test but explained he would have to pay the cost if DS was his... he said dont bother and continued to pay CSA for years.

I got a call from a woman 2years after splitting with DS dad asking who I was and who DS was as she found a box in their loft with scan photos/ baby photos and other stuff. He said he met me whilst I was pregnant and " did the kind thing" by pretending to be his dad Hmm he is on the birth certificate and we were engaged. They split shortly after as it turns out he hasnt mentioned the child he had before DS either.

Few years later I get an arsey FB message from a girl now dating him asking why I didn't feel guilty taking CSA from him given " hes not the dad he just helped you out" Hmm I curtly explained the basics and yet she continued to insist he is such a nice bloke blah blah blah. In the end I agreed to drop the CSA claim in return for him signing adoption paperwork for DS stepdad.

I dread to think what utter crap their kids are fed re my DS etc however I'm grateful we are NC.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/02/2020 12:57

Even if he didn't see him that much then surely he had some kind of feelings and loving emotions towards this child who was potentially his son?

I wouldn't want to make that assumption, TBH. Sadly, to some men children are merely an irritating side effect of a rackety sex life, and OP can probably protect her son best by finding out of he's one of them

To me the many holes in his story make it fairly obvious, and whether or not DS already has one half brother he'll almost certainly have more in future with the way this is going