It’s a trust one

[Sunflowersok]

Can trust be rebuilt after it is broken in a relationship? How can this be achieved from the hurt party?

I'd love to know.. in my experience at least once it's broken sadly it can't be fixed. But then I guess it depends if the level of trust broken? For me far to many lies to ever come back from.

It was a small lie (I’ve something massive, but from his past).

Rather omitting details than telling the full truth when asked. He said he panicked.

I have serious trust issues from past relationships (abusive ones). So this tiny thing has really shaken me. I just need to fast forward the future to know whether i can open up again I’m scared of getting hurt.

*over something massive

I think it depends on the people involved. I think I'm in the same boat as @stoptherideiwanttogetoff to be honest. Also depends on how far the other person is willing to go to prove they are sorry and made a mistake.

We are very close, like twins as well as partners. We do everything together, same mindset, same thoughts etc. It’s a very bizarre and intense relationship compared to the usual I’ve been in, but our love for each other bursts. He has been so reliable, will do anything for me, shows his love and commitment to me from day one, shows it to others, has opened up more than any partner I know. I have never, ever doubted his love for me and he makes sure every minute of the day that I know it.

That’s why this one floored me.

We have both been in very bad places in relationships in the past, and I suppose we are both healing. He hasn’t responded very well from me being hurt my all of this, in fact he has punished himself for it.

I want to move on and help him heal, but I don't want to be lied to or have details omitted from me either. I’ve been walking around feeling like I’ve been in two realities. One where he loves me and I can trust him, one where I am questioning whether he’d have no problem hiding something from me in the future.

Depends on the lie.... but also if it’s in the past and you love him that much maybe you could move past it if you’ve now had full disclosure. It all sounds very intense, maybe take a step back for a bit?

It does depend on the lie. Did it make him sound better, or did it hide something bad that he did?

It made him sound a little less responsible for what he did I suppose. However. He did say at the time ‘I know it’s not right and it was a mistake’. He was in a desperate situation at the time and he did a morally wrong act.

I wish I hadn’t have known about it but I have this information now and it’s been a struggle to deal with. You are right it is in his past and I’ve not been a saint either. He has taken my past on without judgement and he loves me nonetheless. I suppose his past himself is something I could get over in time, it was just a huge shock. But I understand somewhat because I have been there myself.

It’s that bloody lie.

I told him that if he would have just disclosed full information at the time we wouldn’t be in this place now. I asked him to the lol me we everything. I told him that I needed him to. I wish I didn’t have such bad anxiety, and I wish I didn’t have so much trust issues but the truth is I do - this is the way I am. I told him this! I’ve been telling him this all along. I cannot handle lies - no matter how big or small because it will hurt and scare me too much. And now I’m suffering for it

He is the first person I have been able to trust since I was a small child, and now he’s fallen in to that category and I have my guards up again and now I can’t change it.I love him so much.

So is it the lie rather than what he did that is worrying you? If he'd told you the truth at the start, would you have been put off?

This sounds a massively unhealthy, over-romanticised co-dependent relationship.

If he’d have told me when I asked the full truth of the situation it would have been hard to take yes, but what’s past is past and I would have come to terms with it.

In all honesty? If I had found out this before we got together I probably wouldn’t have gone there as it was morally questionable and it would have frightened me off too much. I know him as a person now and what he has been through over the years so by this point my heart is willing not to judge as much and accept his mistakes and wrong doings. It’s like when you don’t know someone and you hear gossip and you think bad and judge them don’t you... but if a very close friend who you know had disclosed the similar thing you see it more from their point of view and accept it.

He was very embarrassed over it all, I do understand how hard it must have been but we are usually so open with each other.

He’s a very good man, has done nothing but prove himself to me since we met. He’s been very patient with me and how I’ve been trying to deal with things. He’s seen me hurt and it’s killing him inside.

@FizzyGreenWater it might seem like that to you. We have a very beautiful, weird and wonderful relationship. Dependant on each other - yes. We both very much lean on each other and help each other heal and grow from our abusive pasts. We are partners, lovers and best friends all in one. I think this is why it’s floored me so much.

They say that in Buddhism don’t they? Attachment leads to pain. Maybe this over attachment is why it has been so painful for me.

I have bipolar disorder so my emotions are very intense anyway. I very much try and protect myself from hurt in every way that I can because I don’t do well with it. My anxiety has been that bad I have not eaten and I have been having nightmares pretty much nightly since a week ago, I’m not in a good place

It depends what it's about. If it was something like cheating or theft I could probably get past that as circumstances change. If it was violence against a partner or crime against a child I would walk away.

I agree with @FizzyGreenWater. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

How long have you been with him?

Please get yourself some Counselling. And don’t get married or get pregnant, even accidentally.

Counselling for the trust?

I’ve been in and out of counselling for my childhood and past relationships, I don’t know if counselling can do any more for me really regarding it.

Another one who thinks your relationship sounds worrying and unhealthy, particularly given what you say about your past.

As for the trust, it depends what he did. Though I couldn’t forget any level of dishonesty. Or violence.

Oh dear. I'm out.

I’ve questioned with him if it is healthy how close we actually are. I know it’s different, it can get intense (emotionally). I don’t think it’s co-dependant, it works both ways here.

He’s not a violent person by the way that’s been thrown around a few times on here so I thought I’d clear that up. He’s a very gentle soul.

It depends what it is.

If it involves a sexual act with with a younger girl or a child then no I’d never forgive them.

Drug dealing - no that would be another one I couldn’t forgive either.

What was he lying about?

Oh blimey no it wasn’t anything like that!!

It was the bog standard unfaithfulness, not physically unfaithful - of someone he shouldn’t have been dabbling with (not underage, not family etc etc!). He was at a place and time where he felt stuck and desperate and he was flattered by the attention at the time.

As I said I can get over that, I have been there myself. I get that you can cling on to anything whilst you are unhappy even if it means breaking your own morals for it.

It was omitting the details to me which has sent my head spinning over it all.

Actually, seeing your update I think you should see your doctor or CPN

So he cheated on a previous partner but minimised / lied when you spoke about it previously?

I think it's down to individuals what they can cope with so only you can decide if you can / can't move past whatever you've found out.

What I would say is, from the way you speak about the relationship it does sound codependent. I know because that sounds negative you probably feel defensive about it.

But it's taken me years to realise that codependent relationships are not healthy. When I've said in the past that I couldn't live without a certain person / could never love anyone again if we split / can't be myself with anyone else etc it's ultimately been an unhealthy relationship.

In a healthy one you love the idea of being together forever, would choose that if life was black and white, know they are your favourite person BUT also know that you could cope without them if you broke up.

I hope that makes sense. I have bipolar. Have always been in very intense, unhealthy, us against the world, nobody understands our love type relationships until fairly recently, after a period of being single and focusing on myself.

Counselling and medication have changed my life. I have a healthy relationship now - I love my partner, have healthy boundaries and while he's my favourite human and I would love to be with him forever, I know that sometimes life throws curveballs and if we weren't together I would be just fine.

True love is, for me, wanting someone not needing them. It means more. You're choosing them, not relying on them.

If you both had bad relationships in the past its probably because he didn't trust you with that info. Perhaps he was right not to. You say you probably wouldn't have got together if you knew. Is what he's worried about still relevant? How did you find out about it?

Depends what it was, did he tell you he didn't like 80's music and found out he was a leading light in Bananaramas fan club?
If it was while he was young and immature/foolish it may be simply a stupid act of immaturity. Its up to you whether you think its still part of his character.

Missed your post.

Has he said what actually happened? You say nothing physically happened but he feels that he was unfaithful. If he's also had MH issues did anything actually happen or does he simply feel guilty.

Even if he had an affair if we blocked out relationships with people who had affairs mumsnet would be full of single people.

Only you can know what you truly want and whether he's the right person to be with,