Preparing myself for a divorce

[nickname7890]

Hello

I really would appreciate some advice
We have two kids -3 and 1. We have been married 3 years and together just 5. A whirlwind romance I believed meeting later in life I had enough understanding of what I wanted and who I was with to make the careful decision to commit my life to OH

But- we are here. He is out when he pleases with work.he needs to socialise with work but also enjoys staying out later for the extra drinks and often rolls in at 2 am. I work 5 days in a high powered city job and since having kids have had to adjust my working hours (his is fixed and can't change-funny that!) so I leave in pitch black at 5 and come back at 5, and soemtimes have to work after the kids are down.and it begins again the next day... he meanwhile comes and goes as he pleases. Soemtimes abroad with work soemtimes eg this summer on a 4 day yacht trip. I rarely if ever go out with pals-most are with OHs and otherwise I'm working or shattered
Bills etc - I manage. Shopping/holiday camps/hair cuts /dentist appointments you name it I sort and manage finances for and I manage relationship with our wonderful nanny
When it comes to the weekend OH wants to stay in he is too tired -unless of course one of his friends invites us over in which case suddenly he has the energy and often I have to drag him home pissed and next day he is grouchy and unable to be around the kids as he is too hungover. He loves our kids and when on form with them he is great, but not when he is hungover
I haven't had a lie in past 7 am in 4 years. I went away for my hen (two nights-the first ruined bc he went out and got pissed the night before and I had our newborn) and a friends hen. He is frequently away.
His argument is we have a nanny use her to put the kids to bed etc but I feel strongly the kids should see parents mon-fri.
It's always me to make dinner-if I don't ge just eats toast or cereal or takeaway on his own.he says "don't cook for me I don't want you to bother if it just makes you annoyed" same for presents and any celebration he says he'd rather not do anything for me and me nothing for him so he doesn't feel he owes me anything
Hopefully you get the picture -he doesn't treat this as a partnership
His parents were divorced from a young age and both remarried and subsequently divorced again so he has in closer moments said he has no example of how it should be but my parentsequally has a difficult marriage albeit they stayed together but affairs etc

So here we are. He has been out every day this week. Sleeping on the sofa as he is in at 4 and I'm up at 5. I had a vomiting bug on Sunday and Monday and we said we would have a relaxed weekend and hang out.today he calls -oh I have to go to a dinner tonight sorry
Also can we go to one of his friends houses for a (boozy I promise you!) dinner on Saturday?
The merry go round continues

I don't know how to get him to change/wake up
He says he loves me.in arguments he used to cry and ask em not to leave him but tbh I feel he is over that now and shows increasingly less emotion since I once really threatened to leave him when 8 months pregnant he pissed on my dh1 when he was drunk. That was a low point that we half recovered from but I think we have been on rocky ground since then.
The idea of him with someone else is so painful
I just wish I could get him to the commitment he felt towards me when we were first together I feel hoodwinked -like he put on a good game but now married I actually feel like a slave. I keep myself in good shape (he meanwhile is increasingly overweight) and I make suggestions for dates and initiate sex and he never ever does and only sometimes responds to my advances
What would you do? The kids love him and I love him but at what point do u say I.deserve more than this? The idea of separation, the upheaval, finances, friends, missing him and the chance of finding happiness again is devastating just to think about
But eg even today I was so annoyed when he said he was out AGAIN as I planned on the gym for 20 mins and then maybe hanging out this evening, and I wrote a long message about how he is becoming increasingly selfish and not thinking about "us"
He never even bothered to respond
What's the answer? Soemtimes I feel he takes it all for granted and I need to get him genuinely worried I will find someone else but how?! He says he doesn't care for jealousy and now the separation"threat" is basically ignored or he says fine I don't know how to make you happy so if I can't then I just can't
Point is I just hoped he could :(

Xxx

Just to follow up - I don't necessarily expect or need a lie in
But my point is he does, and as we both work 5 days a week I expect a more balanced approach to parenting

You are married to an alcoholic.

That is what the problem is.

If he can admit his drinking is out of control - naltrexone.

Otherwise, he is just a common or garden narcissist (which is closely correlated with substance abuse), with an attachment problem

If you love him, if you do not want to break up your family, there is only ONE thing you can do (because you cannot control or change him):

live as though you are alone.

That's it. Live as though you are single, and look to friends/family/community for your emotional support.

markmanson.net/attachment-theory

He treats you like shit and pissed on your child? What are you getting out of this relationship and why do you feel this treatment is good enough for you and your DC? Any man who pissed on my child would be through the door

Get off the merry go around that is alcoholism and associated denial yourself by leaving this man. His primary relationship is with drink here; its not with you and its never been with you either. This is who he is and you will not get him ever to change and or wake up.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Is this really the model you want them to be learning from?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.
Are you also confusing love here with codependency?. You are likely to be codependent. Codependency and relationships in which alcohol all too heavily features go hand in hand.

Thank you

On the alcohol ..yes I've had this chat with him. Once he starts he can't stop correct.-equally his job requires him to draw in clients and it involves a lot of late night and drinking. He hates it the next day. He goes all in or out. But I can't see him quitting booze as he does need to drink for work and we do need his salary.ive often said just drink an alcohol you don't love or have pure tonic between drinks etc but he never does

And yes I know pissing on my child was horrendous-so much so I told him I wanted a divorce.which he uses against me and says maybe me saying that rocked us so much he can't feel the way he did before bc he thinks it will end in a flash. But also that feels like excuses

And of course there are good parts-when the 4 of us are together and he is on good form it's amazing. He is a good dad when on form but those moment smentioned -obviously the worse- make me so miserable

He will never change. If you had to relive the last year over and over for the rest of your life would you still want to be with him? You can’t scare him into changing. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. He treats you like a servant and you and your children deserve better. I’ve been in your position and tried it all. It’s like talking to a brick wall. They don’t respect you and never will. X

I guess it's difficult on the alcohol front because drinking together (I don't drink much!) but socially etc is what we have always enjoyed
And he is best mates with a lot at work
And his friends drink a lot so there is a "lad culture" there which I accept
But the frequency of being out with work I don't. Or not even that, if he could e pleasant and caring I don't think I'd even mind
But I get all the above and nothing extra no one cares for me and I really feel that I feel so lonely

You got angry with him for pissing on your child and instead of being ashamed and begging your forgiveness he criticises you for threatening to divorce him. I bet he’s never truly sorry for any of the crappy things he does. There’s always an excuse and you always have to back down and shut up to keep the peace.

"Once he starts he can't stop correct.-equally his job requires him to draw in clients and it involves a lot of late night and drinking. He hates it the next day. He goes all in or out. But I can't see him quitting booze as he does need to drink for work and we do need his salary."

This is the problem. There is a solution if he would like to not fuck up his entire life. It is called 'Naltrexone' and it is available on prescription from his GP.

It means that he can take one pill an hour before he heads out, and he stays in control of his alcohol intake.

I worked in the City. I went from a 'half a lager for the entire evening' to someone with quite a habit.

Drugs (which include alcohol) are more complex than they first seem. There is definitely an extinction (resistance/habit forming) issue involved in the brain.

My breaking point was when my late father had a severe stroke and I truly realised how completely alone I was in my relationship. He’ll do something shitty and something in you will snap and decide enough is enough. Start thinking practically about what you’ll do when you separate. X

User, do not doubt he is developing an addiction.

He can be in denial, but you don't have to.

Al Anon is a wonderful source of help. Don't knock it. it can be the difference between happily married and divorce.

So sounds to me as if you are prepared for a divorce, emotionally at least. He's pretty much a lost cause and you already feel that it'd technically be easier for you as a single parent.

I think if you get started on the practicalities (finances, belongings, legal advice, rents/prices in your area, etc) your way will become clear.

Please do get legal advice as soon as possible. It doesn't mean you have to actually do anything right now, just that you'll be educated as to the actual legal steps, timetables, and what you can expect in the way of finances/asset division. That way you'll be acting from a position of knowledge, not just a position of emotion.

But also that feels like excuses

It is more about blaming you so he doesn't have to take responsibility.

Alcoholics are selfish, they have to be to keep up the level of addiction. He is probably using alcohol to avoid dealing with his life and no doubt the reasons for drinking are complex and maybe rooted in his childhood. However you can fix him, especially as it seems he doesn't want to give up drinking.

Children of alcoholics have a dreadful life. There will know about it as they get slightly older so if you separate you will actually protect them.

How are the finances? Could you afford to live with the nanny and manage to work? He would have to contribute CMS, see calculator, and possibly higher payments, if he is a high earner, given your children are so young.

I know it feels like a waste to leave someone who isn't bad all of the time but the bad moments will change you and your children.

Why go down the jealousy path?

Ask him how he’s going to manage 50/50 shared care of the kids when you leave?

You don’t have to get drunk to be sociable and entertain clients. He’s making excuses and won’t change u til he admits he has a problem which he won’t.
He knows your unhappy, have already threatened to leave and he’s not bothered to even try and change!
I think you already know this relationship is broken. Your children will probably see more of him , if you were a two household family .
It’s up to you if you want to go through the motions for a few more years and risk affecting your kids perception of family life in the process.

It takes 2 to make a marriage work and he has been bowed out for some time now

You get nothing from this relationship.
Ask him to leave.
You deserve more, your children deserve more. You know this.
He won't give you it because he doesn't want to.
There is no such thing as a lads culture when you have a family. Family are priority.
If he uses his job as an excuse for his destructive behaviour then time he gets a new job because he can't keep doing this forever.

Blimey. This has to be one of the crappiest marriages I’ve read about on here! You’re basically single without any of the benefits of being single. What a shit life. I don’t see him changing to be honest. He’s used to taking the piss. I think you need to get out while you’re still mentally strong enough to deal with the outfall and your kids are young enough that you don’t have the stress of explaining all of this to them. Imagine having your weekend lie ins when he’s got them. You’ll get to have a life again!

Thank you everyone for responding.
I actually feel really sad reading this. I dont know what I expected posting it! maybe that there was some hope. or some suggestion for what to do OTHER than divorce. But also I know you are all so right. the "alcoholic" label still to me feels slightly extreme but also i can see that it fits... my parents had previously said that he is an alcoholic, the summer i threatened to divorce him 8 months pregnant (that was fun!) but also my parents dont drink so thats a totally different standpoint.

he says things that make me feel really sh*t like - no one else says im horrible (he has a ton of friends), and "ive never been a horrible person so i dont understand why i am one now then"
and it makes me feel like its me that brings it out in him, brings out the worst.

i feel so incredibly heartbroken tonight. we were loves "young dream" or so i thought! everyone said we were such a great match, we always loved, had incredible s&x, he did EVERYTHING to make me happy. and then once the kids came, it all changed. s&x is only if i literally throw myself (wonderful for that self esteem!) and eg today when i snapped and said enough is enough him going out AGAIN and that im not going to go to his friends for dinner on saturday night as i cant face being tired for these poor kids we only see two days a week, he just never responded. i guess he will be out late. i dont know..... im just here alone at the kitchen table working with the kids upstairs asleep and i feel like i must be some piece of sh*t for him to treat me like this.

i dont feel like i even have any firends anymore that could support me if we broke up, i feel people would ALWAYS choose him because everyone LOVES him and im always the practical/stressy one organising things (i get lumped with the boring jobs basically!) i LONG to go out and party till the cows come home but of course i dont, bc i feel responsible to my children and i dont want to feel crap the next day.
but how on earth i will get round this and divorce him i dont know
i know this si SO wrong and please dont judge me but sometimes i wish i could meet someone else that would make the decision for me - someone so great and wonderful that made me feel good again and i could leave him safe in the knowledge i wouldnt have to battle this out alone
we dont have £ to sell the home and buy two. it would be a financial DISASTER. but i know thats not a reason. even tonight reading a story to dc1, it said "which daddy would you choose" in a bunch of pics and dc1 said - no one, i always choose my daddy.
my heart just broke to a thousand pieces
f&ck lent ive just had an entire bar of chocolate worrying about all this!!

i just thought, i guess irony is im here upset about it and he is in a restaurant or pub with who knows having a lovely time

That all sounds so awful. Would he consider couple counselling?

So what difference would a divorce make? You’d be alone every night with the kids - except you won’t be wondering what time he’s coming home where he is who he’s with etc

He’s a drunk face up to it and kick him out

I guess bc I still love him I would hate him to be with someone else
And I think partly I think he wil fall in love with someone else so easily and love them more than he ever loved me

^no one else says im horrible (he has a ton of friends), and "ive never been a horrible person so i dont understand why i am one now then"
and it makes me feel like its me that brings it out in him, brings out the worst.^

Nope. You're just the one he feels safe to treat like shit because you keep putting up with it. Sorry, but it true. He doesn't treat friends and co-workers like he treats you because he knows they wouldn't stand for it and would tell him to fuck right off.

i dont feel like i even have any firends anymore that could support me if we broke up

Did you at one time? If you think about it, have you dropped or 'distanced' your friends because of him? Are your only friends now from his friendship group? In other words, has he alienated you from your friends (and/or family)? If so, that can most likely be fixed, you know. Try to get back in touch with your friends. They're probably waiting for your call.

i guess irony is im here upset about it and he is in a restaurant or pub with who knows having a lovely time

In other words, he doesn't give two shits how you're feeling or if you're happy.

You're already pretty much living as a single parent. Just one with a huge millstone around her neck, dragging her down.

As far as house buying vs renting. I'd rather live in a rented flat alone in peace and happiness than live in a 'bought' mansion with someone who makes me miserable and unhappy.

Yes but all the same.problems will be there OP. It doesn't really matter who you're with if you are living life without any regard or concern for them

Youre not his priority and neither will anyone else be. Not even his children. You and they deserve so much better.