Preparing myself for a divorce

[nickname7890]

Hello

I really would appreciate some advice
We have two kids -3 and 1. We have been married 3 years and together just 5. A whirlwind romance I believed meeting later in life I had enough understanding of what I wanted and who I was with to make the careful decision to commit my life to OH

But- we are here. He is out when he pleases with work.he needs to socialise with work but also enjoys staying out later for the extra drinks and often rolls in at 2 am. I work 5 days in a high powered city job and since having kids have had to adjust my working hours (his is fixed and can't change-funny that!) so I leave in pitch black at 5 and come back at 5, and soemtimes have to work after the kids are down.and it begins again the next day... he meanwhile comes and goes as he pleases. Soemtimes abroad with work soemtimes eg this summer on a 4 day yacht trip. I rarely if ever go out with pals-most are with OHs and otherwise I'm working or shattered
Bills etc - I manage. Shopping/holiday camps/hair cuts /dentist appointments you name it I sort and manage finances for and I manage relationship with our wonderful nanny
When it comes to the weekend OH wants to stay in he is too tired -unless of course one of his friends invites us over in which case suddenly he has the energy and often I have to drag him home pissed and next day he is grouchy and unable to be around the kids as he is too hungover. He loves our kids and when on form with them he is great, but not when he is hungover
I haven't had a lie in past 7 am in 4 years. I went away for my hen (two nights-the first ruined bc he went out and got pissed the night before and I had our newborn) and a friends hen. He is frequently away.
His argument is we have a nanny use her to put the kids to bed etc but I feel strongly the kids should see parents mon-fri.
It's always me to make dinner-if I don't ge just eats toast or cereal or takeaway on his own.he says "don't cook for me I don't want you to bother if it just makes you annoyed" same for presents and any celebration he says he'd rather not do anything for me and me nothing for him so he doesn't feel he owes me anything
Hopefully you get the picture -he doesn't treat this as a partnership
His parents were divorced from a young age and both remarried and subsequently divorced again so he has in closer moments said he has no example of how it should be but my parentsequally has a difficult marriage albeit they stayed together but affairs etc

So here we are. He has been out every day this week. Sleeping on the sofa as he is in at 4 and I'm up at 5. I had a vomiting bug on Sunday and Monday and we said we would have a relaxed weekend and hang out.today he calls -oh I have to go to a dinner tonight sorry
Also can we go to one of his friends houses for a (boozy I promise you!) dinner on Saturday?
The merry go round continues

I don't know how to get him to change/wake up
He says he loves me.in arguments he used to cry and ask em not to leave him but tbh I feel he is over that now and shows increasingly less emotion since I once really threatened to leave him when 8 months pregnant he pissed on my dh1 when he was drunk. That was a low point that we half recovered from but I think we have been on rocky ground since then.
The idea of him with someone else is so painful
I just wish I could get him to the commitment he felt towards me when we were first together I feel hoodwinked -like he put on a good game but now married I actually feel like a slave. I keep myself in good shape (he meanwhile is increasingly overweight) and I make suggestions for dates and initiate sex and he never ever does and only sometimes responds to my advances
What would you do? The kids love him and I love him but at what point do u say I.deserve more than this? The idea of separation, the upheaval, finances, friends, missing him and the chance of finding happiness again is devastating just to think about
But eg even today I was so annoyed when he said he was out AGAIN as I planned on the gym for 20 mins and then maybe hanging out this evening, and I wrote a long message about how he is becoming increasingly selfish and not thinking about "us"
He never even bothered to respond
What's the answer? Soemtimes I feel he takes it all for granted and I need to get him genuinely worried I will find someone else but how?! He says he doesn't care for jealousy and now the separation"threat" is basically ignored or he says fine I don't know how to make you happy so if I can't then I just can't
Point is I just hoped he could :(

Xxx

Not wanting him to be with someone else is really not a good reason to stay in a relationship like this. For all you know he's fucking other people when he's out every night/away, anyway.

You may love him but he obviously doesn’t love you and his family A good time should be spending time with his family and looking after them .He sounds selfish

He’ll do something shitty and something in you will snap and decide enough is enough

Or in this case something pissy.

That should probably have been exit point, but I fully understand why you didn't at that point.

How in earth did it happen; I'm mind boggled, trying to imagine a scenario.

If other people familiar with him have said he's an alcoholic, you're clearly not exaggerating in thinking he has an alcohol problem. It's v tempting yomduwnplat became we can have quite a drinking culure in this country, and it's being excluded by work socialising/networking as well.

Reading your posts makes me wonder why he had kids ; did he just go along with thinking you and nanny would do all the work. He doesn't sound cut out to be a family man.at all - yet he's gone ahead and gotten married and had kids; abd you're suffering because of it.

Sorry you're in this position op.

And the poster who.saud "ask him how he's going to manage 50/50 with kids" etc. Why does someone always say that - it's fkg pointless. You can't make anyone take their kids at any time, for any time. If they never see them for a day again, you can't do anything about that. And besides does it sound like this guys going to provide a oeaceful, constructive, stable part time home for kids with activities centred on them? At best it would be hang around watch TV and eat take out while he recovers from a hang over.

*It's v tempting to downplay drinking because we can have quite a drinking culure in this country, and it's being excused by work socialising/networking as well.

Sounds as though you would be better off on your own in the long run. He is not there for you physically or emotionally now. Your children are young, at the weekends you are at the point with their ages that you are able to start going to playgroups or play dates with parents and you're particularly likely to bond with other parents when they start school. Develop a social network there away from the dinner parties. Build a life for you and your children, he doesn't want to be part of it.

It feels as though you can't change him to me. Maybe ask him that you both do counselling, maybe say this is as a last chance before breakup. Your trouble is that he will choose alcohol over you. There is an outside chance counselling and a real sense that you will leave will give him a wake up call, but that's unlikely.

Thank you everyone
Last night he came back and we spoke a bit
He cried
He said the things I wrote to him in texts yesterday when I lost it when he said he is going out "you're turning into a horrible person" "you never think of me and the kids" make him think the whole day that we will get divorced and he spends the whole day thinking he will lose out bc I wil keep the house
I know I say bad things but I feel he uses it against me. And then the whole source of the issue-ie him not giving a sh&t is lost and the focus is why do I say these things. Is that manipulative? Last night he said no one has ever said I'm manipulative etc
And if you met him he is a big old softy. Everyone loves him. So even his friends might be surprised. I just want him to love me like he used to but I can't seem to get him to. We tried to plaster over it so we could sleep but this morning the same. Grumpy, rude. Likes seeing the kids then watches as I dress them etc and he ha a 10 minute shower as I walk out not even showered yet (always shower when I bath the kids as no time in morning)
Small things like this he takes for granted and I can't get him to see it or maybe he won't as it means he has to Sacrifice what he has and won't do that for my well-being
Shower is nothing obvs this is just an example
I don't know how to get him to love me or care for me
Eg we have no money in house account and I've asked him 1000s times can he check the balance.why are we overdrawn. All week. This morning nicely I ask him to check so I can see if we can pay for dc1 football class. He says I have no time I'll have to do it tonight. Tonight being the ONE night we could have spent time together-even on the sofa-so I can have an evening with another human being. And I said that's not ideal as it's our only night together all week. He sighs gets grumpy "you're getting at me again" etc... I'm so lost I just can't see what is right here
I just feel actually he has made up his mind and o matter what I do he will frame it that we won't work but he is making us not work

Why don't you have access to the house/family account?

He's sad a cried because he thinks you'll divorce and the only thing that makes him sad is the thought that he'll lose the house! No mention of you or the dc.

Of course everyone loves him, he's the happy go lucky, no stressed piss head. What they don't see is the stressed unhappy wife and kids behind him facilitating his lifestyle.

He is shit

i dont feel like i even have any firends anymore that could support me if we broke up, i feel people would ALWAYS choose him because everyone LOVES him and im always the practical/stressy one organising things

He saves the best part of himself for other people and you save yours for your family. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Get a shit hot divorce lawyer and start making plans for a better life.

I don’t think you love him.
You love the guy you imagine he could be if he was 100% of the time the person he can be on a good day.
To really love him, you would need to also love the person he is when he puts the bottle before anyone else for a start.

And btw, the ‘everyone loves him’ isn’t the truth.
Thé like the easy guy they party with. It doesn't mean they don’t judge his behaviour behind closed doors or that they would accept his behaviour if they were living with him.

There are many people I really enjoy going out with but I sure as hell would never want to live with.

Dude. He pissed on your child. With no consequence.

What will it truly take for you to take action?

I've no words for how bottom of the barrel a human he is.

You can't make him love you or behave like a decent man. No wonder you have no money when he spends so much on alcohol.

"I know I say bad things" I wouldn't agree that the things you said are bad, you are trying to point out what is happening to save your marriage. I'd agree they are hard to hear.

The reason that his behaviour is lost and forgotten when you discuss the situation is that he can't even see who he is or that how he behaves isn't fair on you and the kids. That his main thought is that he'd lose the house is really sad...that's very me me me me, isn't it? I think this displays to some extent, what he values in the relationship - a roof over his head and an easy life. The best people (male or female) in this situation where their spouse is unhappy would be thinking they wanted to maintain daily access to their kids and the support of their relationship and would work to save it. They would have a horror at the prospect of a broken home for the impact on the kids.

"I'm so lost I can't see what's right here" mumsnet is great for a reality check. There is not one person on this thread who has told you to cut him some slack. He's really out of order and he's killing any chance of saving his marriage. The only question is how long will you tolerate it, and if you stick around, how horrific is it going to be for you in years to come? You're likely to be burnt out and broken.

I guess bc I still love him I would hate him to be with someone else
And I think partly I think he wil fall in love with someone else so easily and love them more than he ever loved me

OP - you need to work on you. If he loves someone in the future more than you he was never right for you. Your no ones second best.

You sound great. Very together. Get rid. Get him fucked off and make the most of the rest of your life.

You love a dickhead. If the shoe was on the other foot would he be as understanding as you are?

Love like that will come full circle and eventually you'd resent him after wasting a chunk of your life.

Would you think it was ok to behave like he does. No because it's immature and disrespectful.

Would you behave like he does? No because it's immature and disrespectful.

Fuck him off.

I cannot get over him urinating on his child! He sounds utterly immature and very emotionally detached from his children. Both my mother and step father worked and we had live in nannies. My step father just drank all weekend. It was miserable and I missed my mother so badly when she was at work.

You don’t love him. You love the idea of him and the distant happy memories of when he loved you. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. I thought my ex would move on quickly and he did but girlfriend after girlfriend have dumped him because he’s a selfish bastard and they’ve all worked it out much sooner than I did. Also, you would not believe the number of people who’ve told me since we separated that they never liked him. Don’t confuse drink buddies for genuine friends. X

Per thefourgp "You don’t love him. You love the idea of him and the distant happy memories of when he loved you."

Yep. It's the death of the dream of who you thought he was, not the loss of the man he actually is.

Do you love him or the person and relationship you used to have ? Before kids before responsibilities ?
I think you sound very sad . You seem a little preoccupied with other people’s feelings about you , your husband & relationship and talk disparagingly about yourself . As if this is all your fault
I think you need to talk to someone about this emotional baggage you are carrying all by yourself , you are important
Maybe talking or having counselling would help you make sense of your current situation

@user1494360838.... You are not in love with him. You love an idealised illusion of him.

how on earth i will get round this and divorce him i dont know

You are probably too exhausted to be able to think straight, but your practical brain will tell you that you can do this. You know, you break a huge task into manageable chunks and deal with them one step at a time:

1. Inform yourself: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, Divorce and Money, et cetera.
2. Gather and scan documents: birth/marriage certificates, house deeds/mortgage, bank and investment statements, salary slips/P60s, pensions... [the latter are hugely important - often more valuable than the house].
3. See a SHL. In fact see several - any lawyers you have consulted, however briefly, cannot act for him.

You say a divorce would be a financial disaster, but it really won't be. You have a highly paid job, you'll manage. You may have to accept a smaller house and cut down on other stuff, but you WILL be so much happier.

PS... I'm also wondering whether there might be a degree of codependence in your love for your husband. Have a look at Codependent No More and see if any of it resonates. Even if not, the book contains some useful strategies on detaching from an unhealthy relationship.

Why financially would it be a disaster? Would it actually be or would it be just different? On the surface two high earners with a nanny, one would assume you’d be fine.

And I think partly I think he wil fall in love with someone else so easily and love them more than he ever loved me

My heart broke a little bit for you here. You've become so beaten down by the realities of life that all you can think about is that he's this loveable Jack-The-Lad and you've become unloveable, and all you want is to be loved.

But. Your kids love you. The kind of love that will never leave you. He doesn't love you as you deserve to be loved, he loves alcohol, socialising and his lifestyle more. Your kids love and need you.

Yes, he might meet someone else. He will take her out drinking every night. She may well develop an alcohol problem too (or already have one). Or she'll have a baby and end up in the same situation as you are in now. Why is that something to envy?

He's not really in this relationship. Or at least he is not in the same relationship as you are. It sounds like he expected everything to stay as it was when you had children and isn't prepared to make any changes to his behaviour to accommodate the children and you. That isn't fair on you or the children. I don't think he is the only man to feel like this and it can take time to adjust but he doesn't see why it's a problem and isn't prepared to make any effort. It's not sustainable.

Thanks for your replies

I feel really guilty reading them as I partly wonder if he would be so hurt if he read this and also feel guilty wasting your time if I don't act on it
I can't stop thinking of all my exes who have gone on to be wonderful (seemingly !) husbands and lived adventurous happy lives and my life seems to have just turned out average and a bit of a struggle
When I met my oh I felt he was full of promises and really cared for me... I never felt comfortable with lots of gushy praise etc but he was the right balance of kind and caring. And I think maybe he did suit the stressed traumatised side of me because he was so incredibly laid back that I learnt to stop pause relax etc
But now I find myself seeing him as lazy, inconsiderate, not bothering if he doesn't get the reaction he wants (only wants constant praise cannot handle criticism). We seem like such a mis match

I see the point that 5 years vs a life time seems insane reason tos Tay together but my kids love him so much I'd feel awful leaving him for. Nothing else or more to offer them except they just don't live with their dad anymore
It's not like with kids this young and working so hard I would suddenly be able to go meet other people and see if there is a better match out there for me etc
I'd just be stuck alon and probably missing the company

But yet I find myself wanting - we argue which I hate and he never lets us have an argument without saying this is so sh@t why do you always criticise me etc ...
and I've found myself googling exes and feeling i made a massive error in staying with this guy and how my luck must have really been down when it all happened. I'm embarrassed I say this. I'm a career woman yet I'm almost hoping some Prince Charming will appears and fix this situation. Or my OH will fix it! I haven't given up hope that he can be that guy again and provide and care and ease the. Burden on me. But right now I feel over burdened and little room to say anything as it turns Into a blazing row and he says he can't physically do anything more

His drinking is an issue. It's a symptom of his social group but like I said they have different familial set ups . He needs to have fairly frequent big blow outs of sinking pints in the pub with lads. And then he strain on me esp when I get up for work next day etc is huge
But the. As he says - what did I expect? I knew he liked going to the pub when we got together I just never imagined that it would all be like this