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Original poster

His female friends.... How does everyone deal with it

44 replies

Greysunshine · 27/02/2020 16:52

My boyfriend has a number of female friends that I am wary about. His wife left him 3 years ago because of this and felt he had an EA, after his wife left he did sleep with one of these women although didn’t go further but would confirm the EA.

He likes to be the knight in shining armor, there’s a few who rely on him for support, (mostly coming out of abusive relationships, help with sick relatives, moving house) and because he knows I have an issue with it he chooses not to tell me who he’s talking to or what about.
He can’t see how being friends with these vulnerable (or pretending to be) women can cause trouble.
We have a great relationship a lot of the time. I also have had bad experiences myself. Because of this, emotionally I keep him at arms length And this isn’t where I want to be.

I want to build a life with someone and share everything I have but am too wary of my boyfriends female friends to get too start building an actual life together.
I know everyone will tell me to end it but at the moment we have such a nice lifestyle there didn’t seem much point in ending it.
We’ve been together 18 months. We don’t live together but have lots of weekends away, holidays, sleep overs, date nights and great times. When I start getting too attached I do get upset that it’s not what I want so remind myself that he’s mr right now and maybe not mr right.
When I’m slightly detached and uncaring, we get on so much better, like I’m care free and not jealous or worried etc. then something will pop up and I get moody, upset and go inside my shell a bit to avoid an argument
What should I do? Just carry on, approach the subject with him? If so, how?
Is it ok to keep him at arms length and just keep building my own life alone with him on the sidelines?
For example, I want to buy a bigger house in next couple of years, I would like to be doing this with a boyfriend but also happy to do it alone as I don’t seem to trust him and just have him stay over as and when.
We are 38 and 41, I feel too old for this drama and do want to build the rest of my life in a normal relationship, just don’t know how to do it.

OP posts:
Gre8scott · 27/02/2020 16:57

My husband is friendly with his line manager I'm super jealous about It. Shes 7years younger and writes things like your the most amazing man ever the works birthday card. Hmm they work in the entertainment industry so shes like that with everyone but it still grates on me
They aren't friends out of work but friendly

PicsInRed · 27/02/2020 17:01

He knows it causes trouble and he LOVES it.

He collects these women (you and ex included) and plays them all off against each other for ego kicks.

His wife had to leave.

He'll never change.

You have a decision to make.

Candyfloss99 · 27/02/2020 17:06

No you deserve a proper boyfriend not one you have to keep on the sidelines in case he hurts you. He's making you feel insecure and doesn't care. How can he possibly not think these "friendships" he has cause problems when they split up his marriage and now your relationship?

Original poster
Greysunshine · 27/02/2020 17:12

So if I wasn’t bothered then he wouldn’t have any kicks out of it.
I’m enjoying our leisure time at the moment so as long as I keep him as my play thing then no one will get hurt, I just flit from one to another, wanting more and keeping him at arms length.

We’re both successful in our own fields and so don’t rely on each other financially, both already had children so don’t need each other for that.
It’s quite easy to keep everything at arms length, just not where I want to be in 5 years but I guess it will fizzle out at some point or get better.
I’m 38, By 50 I’d like to be sharing a life with someone, kids will be grown up by then so I have 12 years to sort.
He’s great atm though so I guess if he’s playing games and getting his kicks, I have someone who Meets my needs for now.

Is there anything wrong with thinking this way?

OP posts:
CassidyStone · 27/02/2020 17:17

He might be Mr Right Now, but he's not Mr Right. He enjoys the attention of all these women, and he almost certainly enjoys making you feel insecure and uncomfortable.

Crack on with your plans to buy a house on your own, and hold out for a boyfriend who wants to build a life with you, and not play silly games.

TorkTorkBam · 27/02/2020 17:24

If you are having fun with Mr Right Now what's wrong with that?

I guess it is down to whether

  1. You can trust yourself to keep it light and at arm's length, not too serious. Very much current boyfriend not partner.
  1. You want to be free to meet someone for the long term now. It's hard to meet someone when you are in a relationship. Well, it is for you but not for him Grin
Anthilda · 27/02/2020 19:16

@PicsInRed has it spot on

DBML · 27/02/2020 20:26

My husband has female friends at work, granted they are around 13 years older than us and in their 50’s, but he likes them very much and I have to say, they are lovely ladies.

He goes for coffee with them once every three months or so - dragging me along, though I don’t mind.

He messages them and is keen for me to get in on the jokes and help him respond.

But it’s not constant. It’s respectful. It’s friendly...not this knight in shining armour thing. They don’t ask him to put himself in an awkward position e.g. they would never ask him to come and do some DIY for them in the evening or ask him out for dinner. They are respectful, he is respectful and we all have a lovely time when we meet up.

I think is women are generally quite astute and when there’s nothing to worry about, we don’t worry...

category12 · 27/02/2020 20:45

There's something wrong with saying you think that way when actually you keep getting upset and unhappy with it. Why not free yourself up to meet other people instead?

Original poster
Greysunshine · 27/02/2020 22:41

@DBML it’s not the same as your husbands as I’m never invited and the messages are personal so he doesn’t want to tell me incase the other party doesn’t want me to know. It’s this I have a problem with. If I was invited out with them or even met them then I likely wouldn’t have a problem, but it’s like he arranges things when he knows I can’t make it. One example is he did ask me to meet for lunch and I couldn’t do he met one of his friends, now that sounds reasonable but iv never met her and not likely to.

The main reason for not freeing myself up to meet someone else is that I can’t really be bothered. My kids like him and his like me. Dating is so much hard work and iv tried OLD before and hated it. At the moment this is better than the alternative.

The other thing is, he really is a lovely man who would do anything for anyone. One of the main things that attracted me to him so I can’t blame him for helping others really, just annoys me

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 22:47

Are the others he helps men as well.as women?

His marriage ended over this op (and unless his ex wife is exceptional I doubt she did that lightly or without giving him many chances).

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 22:49

There's a section in the book "he's just not that into you" (cheesy title for an actually fantastic book) titled "Too Many Queens in the Castle".

Seems relevant.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 22:51

If you think (understandably) it might end sooner or later, you're just wasting time when you out out it towards meeting someone for a relationship with legs.

And your kids will get used to him as a fixture, only for it to be removed.

Iggypoppie · 27/02/2020 22:51

Perhaps just be honest with him, you like him but you know you'll never be able to trust him.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 22:51

*could put

BoudoirPink · 27/02/2020 22:57

Well, I’m one of the female friends in this scenario, except I’m not vulnerable or any more reliant on my male friends for emotional support than I am on my female friends — and I don’t have the slightest intention of sleeping with any of them. I’m happily married to a man I’ve been with from my teens. I also don't have the slightest issue with DH’s female friends, some of whom I’ve never met.

BUT the fact that your boyfriend seems to collect vulnerable women sounds like he enjoys a ‘rescuer’ role and/or is afraid of female strength, which would make me roll my eyes. Are you also vulnerable, OP?

doesthissoundok · 27/02/2020 23:04

He just sounds really annoying and weird. I've been out with ones like this and they didn't end well. It's like some men feed off the vulnerabilities of others. Not an attractive quality! Maybe you need to look at why you're prepared to put up with this. You're wasting time with this one when you could be looking for someone who is great to be with, treats you with respect and wants to share his whole life with you. Wouldn't that be more satisfying?

ReadyforTakeOff · 27/02/2020 23:06

Yep he loves having other women want him. Up to you if you can live with that. The "helping others" is BS. Sorry.

DBML · 27/02/2020 23:21

@Greysunshine

Hi op, that’s the point I was making. The fact you feel that there is a problem, means that there probably is. You don’t feel respected by your partner or these women and hence you have a bad feeling about his trustworthiness. You are right to feel this way and either he needs to be a bit more respectful....or you should leave and find someone who is.

All the best.

LuluBellaBlue · 27/02/2020 23:33

I was dating someone like this recently. He’s a people pleaser, the ‘good guy’ especially to women.
The problem is he’s sooo insecure! If I say one thing that he perceived as a critical he literally just can’t handle it.
Such a shame as a heart of gold but so desperately seeking attention from anyone that it’s kind of needy and off putting Confused

Mondayblues33 · 27/02/2020 23:43

Does he have male friends? And is he a great friend to them too? I wouldn’t be worried if he is the same with male or female friends. If he only does this with female friends I’d be concerned, it doesn’t mean he is doing anything appropriate with them but he’s clearly getting some sort of weird kick out of these women thinking he’s some hero and personally to me that isn’t particularly attractive

category12 · 28/02/2020 06:35

If you think (understandably) it might end sooner or later, you're just wasting time when you out out it towards meeting someone for a relationship with legs.

And your kids will get used to him as a fixture, only for it to be removed.

This ^

It's all very well saying it's better than the alternative, but you're fencing yourself in to this unsatisfactory relationship. It's going to make it harder to get out of, by having involvement with the kids and so on. If it was just you and him, it'd be fine, but you are making it messy.

Grobagsforever · 28/02/2020 07:25

The responses on here are really strange. He's allowed female friends FFS. It doesn't sound like he is doing anything wrong at all! Do you actually think he is cheating? Or you just don't want him having female friends? Really strange. My boyfriend has only female friends, they rely on him too, I couldn't care less. What's the issue here?

OP your phrase 'my plaything' made me cringe. You sound younger than 36 and as if you enjoy the drama of questioning your relationship. Very introspective and a little self obsessed. I don't think I've stood up for the man on here but it doesn't sound like you appreciate this man as a separate person, more as an accessory to drama?

Honestly such a weird post. Maybe it's just the way you write? Can you give examples of things this man has actually done wrong, in your relationship?

restlessatno9 · 28/02/2020 08:24
  1. There is a difference between having female friends that you see as equals and having female friends because you think they are vulnerable and 'need saving'. My BIL collects female friends that fall into the second category. He is friends with them because they give him an ego boost. Personally, I don't think that's a trait I would want in a BF.
  1. Your posts are all about the great things you do together not about him being a great person, and how it's too much effort to find someone else. At 18 months in, I would cut my losses now and break up. You are in your 30s, there is plenty of time to find someone else. Don't settle because it's the easy option.
TheStuffedPenguin · 28/02/2020 08:29

The main reason for not freeing myself up to meet someone else is that I can’t really be bothered. My kids like him and his like me. Dating is so much hard work and iv tried OLD before and hated it. At the moment this is better than the alternative

So why are you on here moaning about it ?