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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do i move on please help

30 replies

Destraught · 05/09/2007 18:22

I have been with my partner for 13 year,we have 2 children together,we have been engaged for 11 years,at the begining of this year my partner talked about us going away abroad to get married so i looked at some place picked one and said i would like to go there,i never thought he would do any thing about it till one day in january this year he sent me a text saying holiday booked and we get married on the 9th of november,great i could no believe it as the weeks went by we got all our wedding paper work sorted,i bought my wedding dress three weeks ago we bought our wedding rings,last thursday with only nine weeks to go and out of the blue my partner left me,i have asked him time and time again why he has done this all i get is he was to scared to go through with the wedding,ok i understand that and would not have had a problem not getting married,i just do not understand why he has thrown 13 years away just not to get married,im so lost and so hurt and so angry i do ont know what to do.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 05/09/2007 18:23

Goodness you poor thing

You can't move on as you have no answers plus it is very recent. What does he say when you say it's ok we don't ahve to get married, come back.

Do you suspect he might be unfaithful?

pirategirl · 05/09/2007 18:27

hiya i'm for you.

What a shock, you must be in so much pain. I have had similar 2 yrs ago, very similar, but we were married.

I don't know what to suggest, you will get there, if that's his final decision.

There is one thing i will mention, and i feel like a bag doing so, but when it happened to us, someone suggested there may be another woman on the scene? Hurtful to suggest it i know. I know for certian that it wasn't true, but funnily enough he did find one after about 6 weeks .

Why has he got so very spooked? I found alot of comfort in a website that dealt with midlife crisis, lots of support. My dh wasnt midlife age, but the symptoms, the 'deal' of being with someone for a fair amoutn of time were the same.

Let me know if i can help any more, I'm really sorry x

Original poster
Destraught · 05/09/2007 18:27

When i say we did not have to get married he says things have been rocky for months,they have not at all we have got along great,i have asked him if there is someone else he says not,i dont know my head is spining with it all.

OP posts:
pirategirl · 05/09/2007 18:28

yes cd, i found that the hardest too, about moving on when yuo havent even got proper answers. still cant understand it to this day.

hugs to op

CountessDracula · 05/09/2007 18:29

OK, so if he says that there was stuff wrong before and you don't think so then there must be some kind of communication issue (ie he can't tell you what he thinks)

Would he agree to going to relationship counselling?

Original poster
Destraught · 05/09/2007 18:31

I doubt he would he says he has made his mind up cancelled the holiday that was all payed for,i fear i will never know the truth,and thats the hardest thing to take.

OP posts:
pirategirl · 05/09/2007 18:35

Can you put your hand on your heart, and say it was really ok between you two?

I thought things were 'bad', but never questioned that we didn't love each other, well that he didn't anymore.

That was part of the shock, how can you be with someone, and tik you know them. Then this can happen.

CountessDracula · 05/09/2007 18:38

You can't just walk out on your wife to be and two kids without giving an explanation. Also you don't do it without there being a reason.

Do you think it might be a mid-life crisis? Does he take drugs? Could he have got into terrible debt? Something is causing him immense stress or there is another woman (sorry)

Can you get him in a room face to face and say that you appreciate it is up to him to make his own decisions in life but that you can't understand what is going on and you think that after 13 years and two children together and HIM booking the wedding etc that you are entitled to an explanation for such a radical change of mind.

CountessDracula · 05/09/2007 18:39

or can you get to him via anyone else eg his mother/sister. Maybe they know what is going on

pirategirl · 05/09/2007 18:40

i have heard of this happening alot, they just seem to lose the plot.

agree, cd must be something. def a crisis point for him.

you do deserve soem sort of explanation.

Desiderata · 05/09/2007 18:44

What a terrible thing to happen!

Where has your dp gone? I mean, where is he living at the moment?

Original poster
Destraught · 05/09/2007 18:45

I can put my hand on my heart and say things were good with us,i sat down face to face with him yesterday and asked him to explain but i just got the its all about the wedding,he does not take drugs i do not think he is in debt well not as far as i know,mid life crisis maybe he is 35,his mum does not speak to me as she has never liked me so can not ask her for help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Destraught · 05/09/2007 18:46

He is living at his mums at the moment and im in the house,but told me he wants to sell the house within 2 months

OP posts:
Desiderata · 05/09/2007 18:49

This just gets worse

He's at his mum's, she doesn't like you ... so there's no imperative for him to sort anything out, is there?

Sorry, I'm scrabbling for something practical to say, but all I can really offer at the moment is my total sympathy. What a horrible situation for you to find yourself in ...

Desiderata · 05/09/2007 18:50

He can't sell the house under your feet. It's your kids' home !!

CountessDracula · 05/09/2007 18:50

But it clearly is NOT all about the wedding otherwise you making it clear that you don't care about the wedding but just want him back would sort that out

CountessDracula · 05/09/2007 18:50

(sorry I mean you must say that to him)

Original poster
Destraught · 05/09/2007 18:52

I have said that to him,the house is in his name he says he needs to sell it to put a roof over his head.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 05/09/2007 18:56

makes no difference I don't think

You need to call teh CAB and get advice
He HAS a roof over his head
He chose to bugger off

Original poster
Destraught · 05/09/2007 18:58

I have been to see a solicitor who says even though the house is in his name im entitled to half of it has we have been together that long and my money has always gone into his bank account,i just have so much running through my head its making me ill and i need to stay strong for the kids.

OP posts:
Desiderata · 05/09/2007 20:08

Destraught, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't normally jump on the other half in these matters, but honestly, he's behaving like a prick. He really is.

Get some advice, and keep strong. Your children will help you with that.

Beyond that, I'm clueless as to what to say. It sounds like a total meltdown on his part, but a very calculating one in which he's assessing his assets.

Original poster
Destraught · 05/09/2007 20:42

Im just so lost.so sad and so empty,why is life like this.

OP posts:
Dior · 05/09/2007 20:43

Message withdrawn

Desiderata · 05/09/2007 21:33

I don't quite know why life is like this, Destraught, but I believe that you will get over it, and that life will be better.

This is a man who has run away to his mother. AKA, this is not a man. Much as I love my son, I would be very disapproving were he to leave his partner and children to get his laundry done by me!

You're between a rock and hard-place right now. He has run to mummy, and mummy doesn't like you. But hey? Who's holding the cards here?

You. You have the children. His children and her grand-children. You have the leverage, girl.

Take each minute as it comes. Breath deeply. Be glad that you're alive this day. Be glad that you have children, who will grow up and recognize your bravery at this time. They might not see it now, but they will, when they're grown.

Behave with dignity. It is not only all you have right now ... it's much more than that! It's everything you have right now.

Just keep us updated, and try to sleep, please.

whiskeyandbeer · 05/09/2007 22:06

"You. You have the children. His children and her grand-children. You have the leverage, girl. "

sorry but that is a sick,pathetic and disgusting attitude to have.
their kids, his kids and her kids, they are not to be used as fucking leverage.