Ex narcissistic husband turned up on my doorstep after 3 years

[lexiepuppy]

Ex narcissistic husband turned up after I went NC for 3 years.
We were together for 18 years, where he was financially, emotionally and physically abusive to me and our children.
I left him after an incredibly difficult year of death, illness and then he moved his mother into our house after his father died. He is enmeshed with her and she is an even more toxic narcissist than him.

I do not use the word narcissist lightly! He was with his OW throughout our marriage and he is still with her.

He turned up, saying he wanted to see our children , teenagers, 18 and 19 years old.
They did not want to see him as he had really messed us up..... a long story!! Another thread!

He told me how much he had loved me, loved being married to me and that it wasn’t the same with her!

Then and this is the real narcissistic text book stuff. He gas lit me over various situations for years.

One situation was , he used to work selling property In Bulgaria and he used to go on several trips there each year. He called from Bulgaria to tell me that prostitutes were approaching him. When he got home I found condoms in his suitcase! I asked him why he had condoms in his case, he said I must have put them in there!
We argued over that for ages!
Then he went to Amsterdam with mates from work, where he had lap dances, told me other friends had sex with prostitutes. He came home, said he had to fly to Spain and then flew back out to Amsterdam with his boss, my ex BIL and said that ex BIL slept with prostitution again, but that he didn’t.

Then on Sunday after all those years he told me he had packed the condoms as he thought he may get drunk in Bulgaria and sleep with prostitutes!!

Somebody talk sense into me...... he was abusive in the marriage, cheated, lied, fucked me over in so many ways, gave me stds which he again denies.
Was with OW and yet I haven’t moved on in nearly 4 years! I had a breakdown when I left him, his mother created so many problems, I became suicidal.

I left him, but he has treated the OW so much better than me, Long haul holidays, meals out, date nights.

Yet he treated me like shit! I had been confident and outgoing, now I’m a battle weary shell of my former self. I have broken my heart over this situation so many times. I have been through Women’s Aid, had counselling, done the Freedom programme, but I am still bloody useless!

How do I get over this fucking arsehole? I’ve gone NC, I’m off of all SM.

I felt like I was going to die when I saw him again, such PTSD type feelings.

Please help me to see the light, I know I’m trauma bonded and that seeing him has set me spiralling down again. ☹️

He sounds like an absolute CVNT!

Run, block, do not let this utter abusive scum near you ever again. Stop comparing yourself to OW and how he supposedly treats (abuses) her. Wake up!!

He ABUSED you and his OWN children - what else do you need to hear?!

Cant help you, but someone will come along soon who can.

Sending you lots of strength though.

for you.

Sounds like typical narc behaviour, missing his supply from you so rocks up deluded 3 years later. Remain no contact, if he turns up again I would call the police to be honest if he has been abusive in the past. You are strong OP. Continue your journey self healing, you will get where you want to be no matter the time frame. I get the whole PTSD thing, my mum is a narc and I've gone nc and whenever she somehow tries to contact me I feel like a scared child. Its horrific. But, narcasstic people are the way they are because of their deep rooted issues of themselves, they hate themselves deep down and are very insecure. These types of people dont win in life, they end up lonely and miserable with nobody around them because they've sucked the life out of everyone. You're doing an amazing job, dont forget it

How can you say he's treating the OW well when he's coming to you for consolation, presumably without her knowledge.

Basically l married my abusive 'father '.
He was just like my dad, charming, jokey, life and soul. Flip side is abusive, aggressive and angry.

Yes the OW does not know all the contact he has had with me. My daughter blocked him on my phone, but he was writing letters.
Friend's kept telling me everything he was upto.
I have gone NC with family and a lot of friends.

I feel like the only way I can recover from this mess is to get on a plane and get away and start again, but it has affected my health.

Thanks for all your responses.

Hi, OP.
I am sorry for what you have been through.

In answer to your question, there are specialist agencies that support survivors of domestic abuse. I don't know where you are, but if you need help to find one near you, pm me.

A support group might be a great way forward for you. Something that is structured and facilitated to support your recovery.

He sounds like an absolute CVNT!

He doesn’t: he lacks the depth and the warmth

In all seriousness, he is an awful excuse for a person and he’s no place in your life OP. Find someone to talk to in real life and keep on keeping on. You’ve survived 100% of the shit so far, you can get through this too.

OP It is traumatic seeing an abuser again.

Narcs are awful human beings. He is arrogant enough to try and hoover you after all this time. No contact is indeed the only way .

You sound upset about the way he has supposedly treated the OW better than you. I wouldn't be fooled by how you think he treats the OW. He is contacting you behind her back! Narcs always try to hurt and break other people. He'll be doing this to her too, regardless of the odd holiday or meal out.

You did amazingly to get away. Give yourself full credit. Remember the emotional chaos he brings - and the peace you experience without him around.

@Verbena87 You did make me smile!
He is a c.u.next Tuesday.

I am so thankful of your replies and sup port.
@gottastopeatingchocolate I have had counselling through Women's Aid.

@Babooshkar Thanks for giving me a kick up the arse!

@Antibles Thanks for your kindness!

Hi OP.
Counselling is great, and I'm glad you had that.

I found that doing a 12 week "recovery" programme with a group created a great support network. When one of the exes tried to reel someone back in, we were all there to say "nooooo!!!" We could share our stories with people who didn't look bemused or horrified, but who would say "Yes!! Me too!!" We made a Whatsapp group, too, and can even now, months later, check in and help each other out. I just wondered if something like that might help.

@gottastopeatingchocolate
Was the recovery course specifically geared towards people who had been in narcissistic/ cluster b personality disordered relationships?
I do need help, as he is very charismatic and I have such low self esteem!

@lexiepuppy No, where I live they wouldn't have the resources for this. It was for women who have escaped abusive relationships.

Ultimately you clearly are much stronger than you think. You have survived and am certain life has been much easier without this man in it. You talk of having low self esteem/confidence issues because of damage this man inflicted upon u. Imagine however how powerful you will feel when you refuse to accept him back into your life! Your confidence levels will shoot sky high when you make the decision to no longer accept anyone in your life who treats you appallingly!
Give yourself the most amazing gift by not allowing this horrible human being back into your life and feel the transformation within x

@Bettysnow
Your words made me cry, thanks for your kindness!

Ah bless you darlin all true. You will amaze yourself with all that courage and strength that he failed miserably in extinguishing. You are one powerful lady and this idiot is about to get the shock of his life when the penny finally drops and hes not the love magnet he thought he was! You show him!xx

@ Bettysnow
Thanks again for your encouraging words, it means a great deal to me! 😊

I coulda catch herpes reading about his proclivities with prostitutes! Good lord woman the only woman he should be with is an inflatable rubber doll

God you sound like an alcoholic who is tempted to drink again.You know the damage that getting involved with this man again will do to not only you but your children and yet you are still tempted-this is addiction and people hate addicts who lapse.
I’m not a religious person but I do believe evil exists and anything that spreads such unhappiness is evil.
It doesn’t matter what I think but if you give this man the time of day your friends and relatives will look at you as a complete loser.
I am man and find his behaviour disgusting.Dont engage at all -if you do ,he will worm his way past your defences.You are in a scrap for sanity ,you cannot afford to be weak

@Ekgems
He has never had a sexual health check up in his life. He would not go when we were married.
He told me he has not had a check up with OW.

@ferando81
I have not dated another man in nearly 5 years for fear of ending up with another narcissist. I have always attracted them and i must heal the wounds inside me before being with another man.

I believe a lot of it is coming from an unloving and abusive family, it was that strong desire to be loved and in the beginning with the love bombing you feel loved, after that you are hooked in and then it all goes downhill.

I am like an addict and I do better with NC , even GR with the children is difficult.

With him turning up, it has massively set me back.

But i did tell him to fuck off and that I never wanted to see him again, he can see the children but not me.
(Except my children hate him).

You’re beating yourself up love, but you’ve done exactly the right thing! You told him to fuck off and never darken your door.

HE doesn’t know you’re feeling wobbly now, he’s probably shocked you had the strength to do so and may very well leave you be because he can’t deal with an empowered woman.

Freedom programme is a good start, talking here (there used to be a ea/dv support thread here, not sure if it still runs?

You can and will recover from this, but you need help to do so, there’s no shame in that at all.

When my ex left, I did the freedom programme, paid for therapy once a week and attended a dv support group. As I saw it, you get brainwashed into accepting things that lead to an abusive relationship, so only logical that You have to put a lot of energy into brainwashing yourself back into healthy mindsets

It won’t always be like this. Make You the main project in your life for now, do whatever you can to get yourself stronger and happier in yourself.

(((Hug)))

I wouldn’t even let him see the children ;for one the children hate him and secondly he will try to use his contact with them as a conduit to contact you.
My mother turned to drink after her beloved brother died but after 12 months she conquered her addiction.People were not kind when she was drinking seeing her as weak even though she was obviously in pain .She never touched another drop and showed friends and relatives an inner strength that they never believed an uneducated woman could have .She told my cousin that she gave up for her family .I can’t tell you how proud I was of my mother for battling her addiction for her family .My guess is your children will be equally as proud of you should you resist .I hope you win your battle

@MzHz
I need to look into a support group in my area.
I had extra counselling with my DV unit, but when he just turned up out of the blue it has sent me spiralling.
Thanks for your kind words.