If you've ever had an affair

[changemynamechangemynamewhen]

A) why
B) did you regret it and
C) did it turn into a new relationship

Yes.

A) I felt a disconnect sexually with DH but do not want to end our marriage as I adore him.

B) no

C) no but I never wanted them to turn into anything more.

@Browtox have you ever been assessed using the Hare scale?

End of the relationship wasn't happy. Wasn't sexually attracted to him. Hated the way they breathed. Kissed someone on a night out. Felt awful. Ended the relationship a week later. Don't regret it. The catalyst to finally end its slow painful death. Older and wiser now, at least I hope.

No. But Id definitely take the advice of someone on the Internet 🙄

Oh, I'm not offering you advice , @Browtox. My PhD's in a different area completely; I'm just an amateur with an interest in neuroscience.

Maybe it's just because I've been reading loads of Kent Kiehl lately, but your post jumped out at me because of the 100% total lack of empathy in it for any of the people you'd hurt, or indeed any sense that anyone outside yourself really exists.

Even in many years on this forum and others, it's a strikingly unusual attitude. OW are usually self-justifying in one way or another that allows them to square their behaviour with a sense of conscience. But your posts are striking in that they so completely lack any sense of conscience or understanding of other people's feelings. It's just about your immediate short-term sexual gratification.

Combined with some of the other features on the Hare checklist that also seem to be indicated by your post (excess need for stimulation, pathological liar, cunning and manipulative, lack of remorse or guilt, shallow affect, callousness, history of sexual promiscuity, failing to commit long-term to sexual relationships, failing to take responsibility for your actions) I was just curious as to whether anyone had ever suggested that you be assessed using the checklist?

There are plenty of places where you can self-test (for free) online if it interests you.

Well. You know nothing about me of my situation. Thanks. No thanks.

Of course I don't, @Browtox . I was simply responding to your post, which said (in full):

It was fun. Horny. Sexy. No one knew. Three times. I bloody loved it.

As I say: perhaps I'm overly influenced because I've been reading so much Kiehl lately, and thinking about people in terms of that checklist. But it really jumped out at me.

The other OWs' posts on this thread are full of agonised justification and reasons that they've used to tell themselves it was OK to damage and hurt other human beings.

Yours stands out because the other people's feelings just don't even enter into your worldview. Repeatedly. As you said yourself:

Three times. I bloody loved it.

Of course I understand that you might not actually want to find out how highly you score on that checklist, but it seems like it would probably be pretty high

Mate. Get the message. No. Thanks. You’re kind of weird now

I'm weird? I think, given your scale of values, I'm pretty happy with that assessment

Not your mate, though.

I did - I was single and was crazy about him for about 8 years (ironically I wasted the best years of my life on him). I now despise him and the time I spent with him. He was manipulative, sex-mad, mean and always bleating about how much he loved his wife. I ended it abruptly when I realised how much pain it was causing - I don't think the sainted wife ever knew.

I had a couple of one night stands at the very very end of my marriage.It was a sexless marriage for years and was dead.We had sex counselling but it didnt work.I dont regret it at all,I was desperate to feel wanted at the time.I ended it a few weeks later.

I was so young (21) and in a really abusive relationship. OM was single and he made me feel amazing, he listened to me and laughed with me and made me feel so wanted.
Didn’t regret a thing.
Didn’t end up together. We both wanted to, but the timing never worked.

You’re harassing another person!

I’m watching flesh and blood. Rather fascinated by the affairs on that. Episode 1 so no spoilers

@ScarlettBlaize something has obviously jarred spectacularly with you but please stop derailing the thread. You are not coming across well...

Ha, I'm a psychopath according to the Hare checklist 🙂

A) I was feeling bored and unappreciated by my DP, and I enjoyed the attention I was getting from the other man
B) sort of - I regret that I still think about him sometimes.
C) no, see above. I didn’t want it to become a new relationship but it fizzled out with no real conclusion - we just stopped meeting up - and I never had closure on it.

I'm very sorry if you feel upset by my posts, @dwum . I didn't mean to derail the discussion of why people have had affairs and I certainly wouldn't want to think that I wasn't 'coming across well'.

I'm very sorry if you feel upset by my posts, @dwum . I didn't mean to derail the discussion of why people have had affairs and I certainly wouldn't want to think that I wasn't 'coming across well'.

@whatareyoucooking Are you? How alarming.

Hi, just a reminder to please stick to our Talk Guidelines.

@ScarlettBlaize
I agree that post did stand out from the rest.
No remorse.

I don't think I'm till you've been the wife/ gf in this do you realise the utter failure you can feel.

But to answer the op.
A. I was 19 and foolish abs in ab abusive relationship.

B. Guilt yes - Every single minute - it was 3 months long distance he was 11 older so should have know better.

C. No still with his dw 36 yrs later. But made me see I was worth more - I left my abusive relationship 1 week after we met, not for him, but because he reminded me of how it had been at the beginning with my ex.

A) I was in an abusive relationship I’d tried to leave a year before. I was very young and felt tied in to that life. Someone came along who I fell for and gave me all the attention I needed. It was supposed to be a one night thing and it turned in to months.

B) no I don’t regret it. It got me out of a desperate situation and taught me a few lessons through hurt and pain and pushed me towards being a better person.

C) No, after I broke up with my partner the guy in question pretty much ghosted me and started seeing a friend. Lesson learned.

There are all sorts of reasons why people have affairs before the bulldozers come in and slate everyone. Never had an affair myself, but in a book I read recently, the author describes a loveless relationship like being in a barren desert with no water or food when you want to love and the other doesn't. She goes on to say, if someone offers water, you will take it.

I have not had any affairs, no. Not only is it against my morals to sneak around behind someone's back, but I'm also not the type of person that has the capacity to tolerate people and relations that are dead, one-sided or toxic. It's easy for me to cut people out when I don't want them in my life anymore, so I do that instead of anything else.

It's easy for me to cut people out when I don't want them in my life anymore, so I do that instead of anything else.

Amen to this. I've been told I'm weird as I can cut people out and have nothing more to do with them in an instant very easily, with no guilt or give it a second thought.