If you've ever had an affair

[changemynamechangemynamewhen]

A) why
B) did you regret it and
C) did it turn into a new relationship

It was fun. Horny. Sexy. No one knew. Three times. I bloody loved it.

.

@Browtox yup

I was 21. Had been with my long term boyfriend for years and then found out he was gay.
Absolutely knocked the stuffing out of me. No excuses but I then met an man old enough to be my Dad. He was married.

I'm in therapy now . Not even touched on the shit that happened and it was absolutely awful.

Boy my self esteem was low. Still is to be honest

Many, many years ago and I got far too involved as did he. After a few months I couldn't stand even being near the guy and he turned nasty. I definitely regretted it, look back now and wonder why I bothered. However it was a very long time ago after which I settled down and became a mother; I know I shouldn't beat myself up over it now but sometimes I remember and it invades my head space for a while.

A - yes my marriage was not in a good place. I felt wanted for the first time in years and was weak.
B - No it ended amicably. No one got hurt. My husband and I are in a better place.
C - no we both remained with our partners.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. He isolated me from everyone. But once I’d had the affair it was the catalyst to leave even though the affair had ended.

Yes I regret it. I compromised my integrity, plus having the affair obliterated everything my DH had done in the past. Does’t matter what’s gone before, the instant someone says their partner had an affair they become an innocent victim in the eyes of most people.

No, the affair had actually ended before I officially split from eXH, but it gave me the courage to leave. The OM actually went on to have multiple affairs himself and even tried getting back together with me even though he was seeing someone. When I got together with my now DP he played the victim saying I had betrayed him because he was just waiting until after his holiday to dump his GF so we could be together. I’m well rid, of both him and ex.

A) Trapped in a dead marriage due to shared caring responsibilities for severely disabled DC. No sex for 10+ years. Pursued by work colleague for over 2 years. Never thought I’d be attracted to him but eventually realised that I was. We grew closer began an emotional affair which became physical. Lasted 2 years. First and only time for me. He had cheated on his DP before.

B) yes and no. I regret the deceit and the guilt I live with about that. I regret that I discovered I was capable of such selfishness and dishonesty. I regret the heartache I’ve had to manage in private since he ended it. I don’t regret how lovely it felt at the time to be needed, wanted and desired and to feel like a woman not just an employee or carer.

C) no, no ongoing romantic or sexual relationship. We’re trying a friendship because I feel like I can’t live without him in my life in some capacity but it hurts that he could live without me.

I wouldn’t recommend it. I’d say that after dealing with and coming to terms with my DC’s disability and all the repercussions of that, it’s been the single most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through.

A. I was single. Two years divorced. Met him in the school playground and there was a huge spark. Thought it would be a ONS. We were together 13yrs.
B. No regrets. We live in the same village. We are still close and meet for lunch occasionally.
C. I always said if I met someone new I would have no hesitation leaving. I did. He was devastated.
It took awhile but he met my new partner and we got on well.

Yes - two very brief affairs
Yes I do regret one of them. Not the other.
No it led to nothing and I’m still in a dull marriage with no sex and Co parenting a primary age child.

Yes. Emotional affair. Had already mentally checked out of relationship. Don't regret it at all he is 100 times the man ex ever was. 4 years and counting.

Yes, because I could really. There was no love or respect either way in my marriage. Didn't regret it at all. We were in a relationship until he died, he'd been an old friend.

Yep, in the throes now - bored with my marriage and lazy DH - and needed some excitement. Don't regret it one jot but I know I will eventually. OM is married and we see each other 2-3 times per week.

Any time I feel ashamed, I push the thoughts away. I'm drawn to OM like a moth to a flame. It's intoxicating.

If you are contemplating an affair OP, I say just go for it. Life is short.

Why do you want to know OP?

This thread is a depressing read, lots of desperate justifications that aren't very legitimate and still boil down to dishonesty and total disregard for the huge mental health damage affairs cause and some blatant boasting about 'excitement'. I can't even fathom what could be exciting about someone with no morals who is sleeping with someone else, giving you a bit of their time because they're basically bored at home, hardly flattering. I'm not surprised they sometimes last with such low standards for a starting point.

I was unwittingly an OW once, technically, or she might have been- really not sure. He had two girlfriends anyway. He got dumped quite literally within 5 minutes of seeing a message that confirmed it. Nobodies self esteem should be low enough that they are legitimately interested in a cheater or a liar or sharing sexual partners and risking ones health- and if it is then there are more productive ways to address that than making up fantasy narratives about it being true love or because it was a bad time. I'd rather see a counsellor, it all just seems like masochism.

Or you know, Srsly, get some self respect and dont feed off other's scrap for a bt of teenage drama.

@dontgobaconmyheart curiousity really

And people are giving reasons. Not justifications. And people have equally said there were downsides. If it gives people some thought into it then how's it a bad thing?

These discussions on MN are always interesting.... In real life - there are shades of colours, and nothing is ever really universally black/white, even worst acts - like murder for eg can be justified by circumstances....
However - utter ‘affair’ and some people on MN turn into people completely unable to see shades....
I guess it’s not surprising as it triggers primal fears in those people, and they imagine their partners having affairs....

Anyway. OP - it’s really up to you and your choices. You don’y need to justify anything to anybody.
You’ll find examples of affairs being happy and unhappy. Ending in relationships and in disasters. Being discovered and well hidden.
There is no one answer. Just the answer for you that makes sense for now.

A) Because i was an f-ing idiot, plain and simple
B) 1 Million Percent
C) No

Very honest answer Mr Brightside, I think it’s what my H would say, because it left him with a wife who he actually did love and who stayed but still struggles to feel 100% the same. I care but that romantic/ sexual attraction kind of went up in a puff of smoke— and that was just a heavy infatuation/emotional affair.

A) why - he was nice to me, I know that sounds ridiculous, but sadly it's true and a sign of where my relationship with my ex was like at the time
B) did you regret it - no
C) did it turn into a new relationship - no

@user1479305498

Mine was the same. It was a 'messaging' scenario that got out of hand and is what I suppose would be considered an emotional affair. At the end of the day, an affair is an affair and i stupidly told myself that because nothing physical was in play then it wasn't an affair. What an utter fool I was.
Unfortunately, my wife was unable to forgive, and rightly so. We have been separated for about 18 months. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, I just wish I would have actually considered the hurt and upset that it did and still does bring to my wife and children's lives. It is definitely something I whole-heartedly regret but am unable to change. That's on me, and something that I have to live with every day.

Mr bright side, yes, I think that’s what my H would say too. It was a messaging thing as well but he gaslighted me on that and it kind of got forgotten by me . However he also stupidly wrote and recorded songs and poems and I found them all 11 years later by chance. (That was 3 years ago) They also had tons of trips abroad with work, shared rooms, (that was always part of this and known by me) lots of meals out and she was but a 21 year old and he says she had no idea and on her part it was just messaging and friends. Not sure either if I believe that. I can’t say I’ve forgiven either to be honest and it’s kind of there with me at various times. To be honest it would have been much easier mentally to have left but stayed friends. I don’t hate him, I hate what he did and will never trust a guy again to be honest. . I think it was a giant ego boost and a way of deflecting when other things in life were really not good- dying parent etc. It’s kind of an unmentionable too partly I think because it was a long while ago. I’m sorry your wife couldn’t carry on- I do understand her though, very hard to ever trust or feel quite the same.

A) I didn't love my ex husband (don't even know if I ever did)
B) No. However there were some weird "power" struggles that were not good for my sanity. I don't regret it, I don't feel ashamed but I know there's stuff I still need to work on to live the best life I can live. Objectively everybody is doing better TBH in many, many ways.
C) Yes, we have a lovely family including a tiny baby.

Yes, a long time ago.

I hadn't realised it, but the relationship had run its course. We were more like brother and sister. Then I was completely blown away by this man I met at work. That is the outward 'reason', but the real reason was that I was a young, entitled little shit who was so caught up in the hormonal high that I didn't stop to think about how I would hurt my then-partner.

It did turn into a new relationship, because I confessed all to my then-partner after a couple of weeks. He was devastated, it sent him crazy and he stalked me. This put off the new man somewhat, and so it ended.

Served me right. I hated how much I hurt him, and vowed not to cheat on anyone ever again.

Cheating involves so much lying, and hurts people so much, that you have to be a certain sort of person to be able to do it. I wouldn't want to be that sort of person again.

a) yes, and ongoing sort of. Emotionally abusive marriage that I have thought of ending for nearly a decade, but all chickened out. The affair has made me confident, healed some of my self confidence issues and I've started to make moves to end the marriage. Which I might never have done. I'm in therapy and have discovered lots of the damage H has done.
b) no, not really. Genuinely surprised actually. I don't think I'd be the kind of person who would cheat, and I thought if I did I'd feel guilty. But given what H has done and said to me.
c) I doubt it. I'm not planning it that way. When we split I want to be single for a while, allow myself to rely on myself alone.

I know affairs cause hurt and heartbreak. I know I'm a dick. But honestly I wouldn't have had the confidence in myself without it.