Did anyone else's abusive parents dress them like a boy?

[BlueSpotty]

My parents, mainly my dad, were emotionally, verbally and emotionally abusive with me. My mum was abusive to a certain extent, presumably to please my dad, but was also a huge enabler. I am now NC with them both.

My dad has always seemed to really hate women and women who dress in a feminine manner. I have one sister and until we were both of high school age he made us both have hair cut short like boys, and wear mainly boyish clothing. We were both quite girly and so this was horrible. He claimed to hate long hair and said that women with long hair were sluts. My mum then used to get annoyed with me for not being femininely dresses!

Once I was at high school I was allowed to grow my hair and dress more femininely (although both parents used to hate me spending any time on self care and used to go nuts if I did) but I was repeatedly called a slag and slut by my father.

I was just wondering if anyone else had a similar experience? I have two girls, who are late teens, and I can't imagine forcing them to dress as boys when they were little and getting annoyed with them if they wash their hair or put on make up.

I am a lot more 'girly' now but even now at 43 I have a very minimal self care routine as it makes me feel guilty.

Yes, this happened to me. People used to mistake me for a boy. I went along with it because i wanted to please my parents - as all children do. It made me feel very sad inside and meant i was excluded by a lot of other kids. I still had issues with my appearance i this way as an adult.

Yes I had this, my mum used to dress me in boyish clothes and cut my hair short (because I once had nits so therefore always had to have short hair ) and I was mistaken for a boy a lot.

I think in my mums case it was partly that she couldn't bring herself to do any hands on care for me and being boyish is much lower maintenance.

And thinking about it, as an adult I always wear trousers, never wear makeup and although I now have long hair it is always just tied back

My hair was cut up at age 2 because my mother "couldnt manage it ". It was short until I could look after it myself. My mother never took me to get my ears pierced so my aunt took me age 12. I never had girly pink sparkly clothes which I loved. we weren't poor by any means.

Now my daughter is 2 she has beautiful long hair her ears pierced and I put beautiful girly clothes on her. She seems to enjoy. If I find she comes to hate it then I will stop.

My mum wouldn’t allow long hair and bought me really shapeless clothes aimed at the middle aged

Why is it ‘boyish’ to dress in jeans and have short hair? I would also have though having your hair short until you were able to manage it yourself, and not piercing the ears of a young child were eminently sensible! However OP’s father just sounds deeply misogynistic.

My mother dressed me in hideous clothing and I was bullied for never fitting in. I had long hair which was always scraped back in severe styles. I grew up thinking I was hideously ugly. I had to teach myself how to use makeup as an adult by watching YouTube videos. Ironically my mother idolised other girls my age for being "pretty".

No, my bio father was opposite, girls had to have long hair. But he accepted me for what I was, a girl and taught me that women are the better sex.
I'm so sorry that you had such shit parents, that is cruel.

BlueSpotty I'm sorry your father was verbally abusive, calling you a slut - that's unforgivable. However in the 1970s most of us dressed like boys and an awful lot of us were given non negotiable short hairstyles (I had a bowl cut I most certainly didn't want) because it was deemed easier or neater.

That was pretty much normal in the 70s.

There is no such thing as dressing a child "as a boy" - jeans or trousers and t shirts and jumpers and trainers are absolutely normal clothing for children regardless of what genitals they have. One good thing about the 70s and 80s was it was a brief period when society generally seemed to understand that!

Your dad sounds deeply misogynistic.

But in general, I think it's fairly common for emotionally abused kids to have hairstyles and clothing styles forced on them against their will - it's a control thing. Plus those parents have no interest in helping the child "fit in" socially, and are happy to make them look a bit weird and potentially be teased or bullied for that.

Well I was constantly mistaken for a boy so must have looked like one. I certainly don't think that jeans a short hair cut make someone 'look like a boy' in themselves. Also, I didn't want to look like a boy!

I find this incredibly interesting and thought provoking. I'm a similar age to you.
At first I was: Yes Yes yes! That happened to me too.
My mother regularly said "Ew Pink! You don't want / wouldn't want anything pink would you Book!
But on further thought
I think it was a cultural or dare I say class thing. Poss a reaction against the 50s when little girls were very prettily presented with lists of things they couldn't do.
Perhaps a by product of the hippy 60s and 70s. With my mother it came from feminism.
But for all their good intentions, it did mean shaving legs, armpits, plucking eyebrows and being girly was banned. Girly to them, meant a floral skirt but I was never trained in achieving or maintaining 'the look'.

I think they thought it unintellectual and a sign of dimness. If she was around today I don't know how she'd get her head around alpha women who are very well presented and rule the world / high positions in society.
Different times.

I was the opposite - much preferred living in trousers and shorts, and got annoyed at being forced into “frocks” for parties or family events such as weddings, or having to wear a skirt for school.
OP, it sounds like your father was seriously screwed up, and had issues about not wanting his DD to appear sexually attractive to other men, even as a child when it shouldn’t have been an issue. He may have had a madonna/whore complex. Or just been a nasty controlling shit.
I wish all clothing was just unisex, and kids and adults were free to wear what the hell they want, without regressive gender stereotype connotations.

@CryptoFascist
I also went through school thinking I was hideously ugly. My parents thought all the other girls were idiots. I don't think like this.

However it is making me reconsider my own attitudes towards microbladed eyebrows, expensive highlights, spray tans, designer clothes and heels for school. Perhaps I'm as bad.

Bookoffacts similar experience here - short hair, practical clothes etc which was exactly the same sort of thing my mum wore because feminine faffing was the patriarchy. I don’t disagree as an adult but I did feel very awkward with my femininity or lack thereof for many years.

I showed my kids pictures of the girls at my all girls school a few months ago and they said "but there's loads of boys, I thought you said you went to a girl's school!".

In the late 70s and early 80s children were dressed in a far more neutral way than they are today for "everyday" - dresses were for Sunday best! Loads of girls at my school had very short hair.

The pink sparkly thing is fairly new.

In the 70s everyone played with Lego in bright primary colours. Today we have somehow come to believe that Lego is fantastically progressive for producing sparkling pink Lego and Lego friends to show Lego isn't only for boys.

In the late 70s and 80s children were dressed. Today they are dressed "as" girls or boys.

Why?

No 2 year old needs pierced ears Elliesmommy and whatever colour their clothes are they just need to be comfortable and suitable for playing and exploring in.

I was the opposite, a girl MADE to wear skirts and dresses all the time - I bought my first pair of jeans when I got my first pay-packet aged 16.

I lived on a Scottish island with horizontal sleet in the winter, still walked a mile to school every day in my skirt and ankle socks.

My mum used to moan about my hair when it was long , she criticised my choices in clothes , I did wear jeans in the 70s but did not want to look like a boy

Until I went through puberty I was dressed in hand-me-downs from our neighbours, who had 3 sons.
My mother wouldn't let me grow my hair, telling me it was ugly and looked like "rat's tails".
When I tried to broach the topics a few years ago she tried to gaslight me. All my childhood photos must lie, then...

Unsurprisingly, I have lifelong body image issues / eating disorders.

I went to dance classes once a week, which was perhaps the only 'girly' ish thing I was allowed to do. I was only allowed to wear a leotard and footless tights though, not the tutu that most wore. There were two identical twin girls in my dance class, they were lovely and everything I wanted to be; long hair, lovely clothes, cute pink ballet bags, very happy and confident. My mum always described them as 'two nasty little bitches' as she couldn't seem to ever accept any girls who dressed in a girly way.

Bookoffacts and zelbazinnamon yes this is where my mother was coming from too, though ironically we were made to wear dresses for "special occasions", we were very uncomfortable in them as they were so odd and unaccustomed, it was usually cord trousers in winter, shorts in summer, until we were old enough to ask for jeans!

We weren't being dressed "as boys" though!

My mum was mortally offended when as well as police/ doctor/ racing driver/ animal dressing up costumes DD had princess and flamenco dresses and a ballet tutu and free choice of all of it for nursery/ preschool/ infant dress up days - I clearly remember her saying "why would you do that? We didn't do that with you!"

We give children choice nowadays, but 1970s middle class women especially thought they were doing right by treating children of both sexes broadly in the way their brothers had been treated and they'd fought or wished for.

The pendulum swings too far sometimes - I think it has done again now we seem unable to understand that you don't dress "as" a boy or "as" a girl unless you're in a costume/ drag. Clothes are just clothes. IMO children should have a degree of choice within sensible (weather and occasion appreciate) boundaries about hair and clothes, increasing significantly obviously with age. Parents didn't really think like that in the 70s though.

My dsis & I were taken for very short haircuts before my brother was born 'to make life easier' but I think my dps just wanted an excuse as they both hated us getting involved in anything feminine. Like a pp said, that was considered for 'idiots'. DF was prone to outbursts of rage if we dared express any interest.
I have never seen my dm wear makeup & I remember getting really shouted at for drawing a picture & pretending the crayons were make up.
Mydsis had it far worse as they'd decided she was going to be a high achiever at school & any self care would distract her from her studies.
They could be very brutal. & my short hair looked awful, I remember being asked if I was a boy or girl & it still stings now. My mum just found it funny.
As I grew up, they gave up & I've worn make up every day since! I really worry about my hair looking bad & spend loads on it. I've made sure I've moved away from all their ideals. We're pretty low contact these days as the disapproval is fairly obvious!

I had the opposite where I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair, didn’t own a pair of jeans and was always overdressed in girl clothes. I’d have much rather got around in jeans, teeshirt and trainers.

The issue is the removal of choice and being able to express your own preferences and who you are as a person.

I remember my grandmother taking me to have my hair cut whilst my mother was in hospital. She got it cut horrendously short and it looked butchered. I asked my mum why she didn't say anything and she said she felt too ill. I said I would have tackled her once I felt better! I had to endure old fashioned clothing chosen by my mother. I was in the first year of secondary school and was mercilessly bullied. My father asked me why I was crying so I told him. He gave my mother a fair amount of money and said she had to take me to buy clothing that I was to choose myself. From then on I chose myself and usually wore jeans!

I'm the same age as you and have a sister who's 2 years younger. We had short hair until secondary school and in photos we wore colors like brown, grey, greens. It was normal for girls to wear clothes that could be passed onto boys and be mistaken for boys. I distinctly remember hating it. Judging from photos of the time I lived in tshirts and dungarees until age 5 then tshirts and jeans. I had a party dress and pinafores/skirts were the norm for school.