Did anyone else's abusive parents dress them like a boy?

[BlueSpotty]

My parents, mainly my dad, were emotionally, verbally and emotionally abusive with me. My mum was abusive to a certain extent, presumably to please my dad, but was also a huge enabler. I am now NC with them both.

My dad has always seemed to really hate women and women who dress in a feminine manner. I have one sister and until we were both of high school age he made us both have hair cut short like boys, and wear mainly boyish clothing. We were both quite girly and so this was horrible. He claimed to hate long hair and said that women with long hair were sluts. My mum then used to get annoyed with me for not being femininely dresses!

Once I was at high school I was allowed to grow my hair and dress more femininely (although both parents used to hate me spending any time on self care and used to go nuts if I did) but I was repeatedly called a slag and slut by my father.

I was just wondering if anyone else had a similar experience? I have two girls, who are late teens, and I can't imagine forcing them to dress as boys when they were little and getting annoyed with them if they wash their hair or put on make up.

I am a lot more 'girly' now but even now at 43 I have a very minimal self care routine as it makes me feel guilty.

@PoolsOfSunshineThroughTheGlass - in your opinion no 2 year old needs their ears pierced. Never said she needed it either . My child my choice. She does lots of exploring and mucking around in her clothes. not all are pink mind. Each to their own. I didnt come on hear to get a bashing from anyone. Take your bashing elsewhere.

I lived on a Scottish island with horizontal sleet in the winter, still walked a mile to school every day in my skirt and ankle socks.

I used to live in the highlands and when we moved south a teacher at school contacted my mother to tell her it was basically child abuse to send me to school in socks and a skirt in winter. I was mortified because I had to wear tights after that and tights were, to me and my friends back "home" at my old school, what babies wore! NOBODY at my school wore tights with their uniform! We were hardy!

OP - I had some clothing that I was forced to wear and absolutely hated. However, not to the extent that you did OP, and certainly not my hair. What was done to you was abusive. It removed your bodily autonomy and ability to present yourself to the world/start to form your identity in a way. How you were seen by the world was completely controlled by them against your wishes. It was emotional abuse and also emotionally neglectful as they did not support you forming your identity, they wanted you to form in their almost cookie-cutter shape.

I also didn't get my ears pierced until 12 but that was the same with all the girls in my class apart from one who got it at 9.

Your parents definitely sound abusive but in turns of being mistaken for a boy, Dd is often mistaken for a boy because she chooses to wear her hair short and dress in boyish blue clothes, so that is other people's perception rather than anything. I'm really sorry your childhood was so unpleasant though.

It’s deeply disturbing to hear that both your F & M verbally abused you with gross sexualised language throughout your childhood.

This is v v abusive and must have left you with deep trauma even if you are not fully aware of it.

Have you any MH issues (anxiety, depression)?

I had short hair 'like a boy' until I was about 12. My mother then used to mock me for being ugly, telling me no one would ever love me because I was ugly.

My brother and I used to have matching outfits. My children have even seen photos of me at around 10yo with my brother and asked who that boy is with Uncle S.

Mad omens unattractive with possiblenand then told.me onnone would.love me because I was ugly from being about 5 or 6 years old.

When I was a teenager, I continued to dress like a boy but then I was criticised for not making an effort to be feminine or attractive. But I didnt feel either of those things. Then that was just another reason why no one would ever love me.

Consequently, I'm nearly 50 and I've never been loved and have to constantly deal with and mask feelings of self loathing. I've had therapy but it's never been enough.

The issue is the removal of choice and being able to express your own preferences and who you are as a person.

I think this is a very modern idea, the vast majority of children in the past didn't have any choice about what they wore because their parents couldn't afford it. And since clothes were much more expensive 'gender neutral' clothes were handed down from sibling to sibling in a way that is much less common now with cheap and gendered clothes.

I think in the OP the lack of choice was not the issue, it was that her father called girls with long hair slags and sluts. I had short hair as a child and wore clothes that were suitable to pass onto my brothers and wasn't allowed to get my ears pierced until I was 16, but my father wasn't abusive so this was not an issue. I have myself kept the DDs hair in a bob until they were old enough to care for it themselves, DD1 (12) now has a pixie and DD2 (10) now has long hair and despite other mothers being horrified at my hair rules the DDs seem unaffected by my supposedly draconian rules.

My father was really the abusive one of my parents, in that I used to be hit excessively (with implements, leaving bruising) but interestingly, my mum did dress my sister and me like boys when we were small and our hair was cut very short. I was often mistaken for a boy. I was allowed to grow my hair for the first time when I was about 7.

I asked my mum about it in later life and she gave the reason that when she was young she was a 'tomboy' and hated long hair, pretty dresses etc. so she assumed we would be the same. It's not something I have ever connected with the abusive elements of my childhood, so I'm interested that OP has drawn a parallel.

@neverbeenloved I'm ever so sorry to hear that xx

You know it's 95% artifice though don't you. Supposed 'beauty'. I'm getting botox tommorow (not told anyone irl) not because I'm vain but because everyone has it and it's as integral as washing your hair as a beauty treatment, and I don't want to look older than all my peers, and also because I might as well, as it's taboo to mention it. People can only say I look well.

I'm also from this exact age bracket. You me and OP and most on this thread. I learnt late in life that it's all just a game and the same woman (me, you, anyone) can look beautiful or ugly depending on hair and makeup and clothes. Difficult to stomach when you're brought up to hold it in derision.

@Gutterton yes, I've been left with mental health conditions and am on lifelong medication for it

Some of this resonates with my. I'm so sorry, OP that your parents were so cruel to you.

My hair was cut and grown on my mother's whim. So she'd grow it long then when it got past my shoulders she'd declare that it was too straggly so off we'd go for a bob. Rinse and repeat until I was about 19. When I realised a bob suited me. I wasn't allowed to choose any of my own clothes

I was deliberately kept out of the way of anything they felt 'worldly' in my case they weren't anti feminine, but are conservative christians and feel that self care beyond a basic shower and hair wash with just shampoo is some sort of sin.

DD has long hair and wears what she likes with guidance. She has a mixture of bright bold colours and the pink glittery stuff. My mother still seems to have a problem with conditioner, my DD's hair being 'too difficult' and now oddly, french plaits. I keep asking why she hates french plaits, but she just keeps saying they're awful. Mad.

@KevinsCarter I am NC with my parents now, but when they saw my DDs when my DDs were much younger, they used to insist on putting their hair up so that it looked 'short'. This would usually be a ponytail then the ponytail all pinned to the head. They would ask to have the DDs for the day then refuse to take them anywhere unless their hair was all pinned up to look like short hair.

Moisturiser would be on a par with a facelift in terms of vanity Very much so. I am going to hell and a little deeper with each filler, piercing and tattoo. She actually screamed when she saw one of my tattoos.

Yes, she claims her hair is 'too oily' for conditioner. No, it' just so short it is plonked on her head in a lanky style.

DD has autonomy, within reason (Up for school.) as to what she likes with her hair. I ask to brush it. My mother more or less runs at her with a brush to attempt to restyle it into a very low, boring ponytail. DD runs away.

A friend of mine was made to have a boy's hair cut until she was 13 and then was made to have a granny perm from 13 onwards. Her mum also made her dress in odd clothes. She was bullied at school. Even now she's in her 50s her mum is rude about her hair, weight (she's not overweight) and tries to get her to dress a certain way. Luckily she lives quite far away from her now

Things were different in the 70s. I had a pixie until maybe year 7. With 5 girls, it was just easier to deal with all our hair. Clothes were just normal clothes. There wasn't designer clothing. Everyone dressed about the same so it wasn't something noticed. Nobody had any fashion sense.

No makeup or ears pierced until 12 or 13. Same for all the other girls. I did mostly boy things as that was what I was interested in.

It was nice really. Not like today with so much pressure to look a certain way and spend $$$ on things to impress others.

OP, your parents were definitely abusive, and there are many examples of abuse on this thread, but equally there does seem to be a bit of history rewriting going on.

I was born in the early 70s and girls and boys absolutely dressed much more alike. Girls didn't go out to play in 'pretty' clothes, girls' clothing was much more practical. You had one party dress and I always had to have a dress for mass, but the rest of the time it was cords and jeans. We had fewer clothes and the clothes we had were practical.

Long hair was the norm at my primary school to be sure, but I wasn't the only one with very short hair. I don't think I've ever seen a wee girl with short hair in all DS time at primary. Pierced ears were typically a present for your 12th or 13th birthday.

My mum has used Astral cream on her face since she was 16. Grooming wasn't a thing the way it is now either.

You definitely shouldn't have been called a slag or a slut, OP.

Regarding feminine dressing for children, I actively prefer the 70/80s approach, when children weren't expected to be so narrowly gender-conformist.

It was normal for girls to wear clothes that could be passed onto boys and be mistaken for boys. I distinctly remember hating it.

This happened to me and it wasn't really normal where we lived. My DB was born in 1980 when I was 3, and that was when the dungarees started (I already had the bowl cut) so he must have been the reason. At preschool one time we all had to get dressed up for carnival and all the other girls had dresses on - I had the dreaded dungarees and an old man's flat cap. There's a picture of me on the float, bawling my eyes out, dressed as Fred Dibnah or somesuch: pride of place in the family album, of course. At the same preschool the girls wouldn't let me play the dress up game where they swathed themselves in white net curtains and pretended to be brides, but I didn't want to play the boys' "Nee-naw, nee-naw, I'm a fire engine" games either. It was strange and disagreeable, being between two genders and belonging to neither.

As an older child I had frumpy oversized clothes chosen by my mother, and oversized shoes like canoes. I wasn't allowed to be present on clothes shopping trips, which were infrequent. As a teen I had the same indestructible canoes, and castoff clothes from my mother and grandmother, which looked like you'd imagine. Yes, I got bullied a lot. Thank god for sixth form and grunge, which made thrifted clothes acceptable. My parents mocked the few bits I got from charity shops but I was allowed to keep them, and it was wonderful having clothes that fit for the first time and looked sort-of fashionable, or at least deliberately chosen. Even my school uniform had previously been bought by them in my absence: a long yeti-sized jumper that came to below the knees, and a midget's polyester trousers that ended above the ankles. They must have done this on purpose as my brothers were allowed to dress normally. At least I was allowed long hair as a teenager, although I was always told off about it.

To all those of you saying it was normal in the 70s, it really wasn't in the area in which I grew up; friends all had pretty dresses, bobbed or long hair (I'd have been super happy to have been allowed a bob!), and were allowed to wear hair clips etc.

The fact that as I grew up I got into so much trouble if I did any self care makes me feel that the dressing as a boy thing was done on purpose.

To add, in the 45 years my parents have been married, my mum has had her hair cut very short as my father won't allow her to grow it.

Yes, but it wasn't about looking like a boy, but rather NOT looking like a female and everything that represents - femininity, sex, pretty, desirable, attractive.

Females who spent time on themselves and cared about their appearance and accentuated their femininity were self-centered sluts. That's what I learned.

I think the OP was abused and part of that was to deny them any agency/autonomy so that they were controlled. A very common abuse tactic. Sorry to hear about this and you deserve self care. Please look after yourself.

But we still shouldn’t present the 70/80s as some gender neutral utopia. Clothes were expensive and if the elder child was a boy (as in my family), clothes would be passed down and worn by next child even if they were a girl. But there were loads of dresses and skirts around and girls were often expected to wear skirts as part of school uniform. They were also treated differently in terms of education and The social experiences of men and women were still governed by rigid, entrenched gendered expectations. Even into the 70s women were shamed for being pregnant out of marriage. In fact the OPs father clearly bought into these rigid constructs as well.

To add, in the 45 years my parents have been married, my mum has had her hair cut very short as my father won't allow her to grow it.

That generation is super weird about hair. Lol at "cauliflower hair" upthread. My grandmother still has that.