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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating separated guy who was cheated on

30 replies

Purpleunicorn35 · 25/02/2020 21:59

Hi.
I'm a single working mum. I've been on my own 18 months now and was pretty happy.
Met a guy online who I alreay recognised from our area. Always fancied him. He started chatting to me early Jan. He's single dad and been separated 5 months (wife cheated). Has kids 50%. We have so much in common. Literally my perfect man. He wooed me a lot but as we got close he has pushed me away and become very flaky. I said to him let's just finish things and he said he didn't want to and he just wants to take things slowly (which I had said to him before this myself!)

Am I wasting my time? I don't think he is a player. I know enough of his circles to know he is not a bad one. Should I tell him to sort himself out and then get in touch? I feel heartbroken

Thanks for reading this far x

OP posts:

Jennifer2r · 25/02/2020 22:03

Do you understand about boundaries in relationships?

Like you get to choose what your boundaries are. With regards to him being 'flaky' - you're allowed to have expectations of him. Like you expect him to turn up when he says he will, call you once a day, whatever.

If he doesn't meet your expectations and boundaries you can ditch him no matter whether he agrees or not. Its that simple.

samb80 · 25/02/2020 22:04

Hmmmmm it's difficult, I'm in a pretty similar situation and when I talk to my friends about it they just say to bin him.
But for me I understand his situation / circumstance - I think you have to go with your gut instincts because if you think he's a 'good one' and you both want to take it slow... but only you know if it feels right.

Original poster

Purpleunicorn35 · 25/02/2020 22:07

The problem is I have fallen in love with him. But I know he's not treating me how he should be. But how to know if its a phase he'll pass...

OP posts:

beckywiththeshithair37 · 25/02/2020 22:11

Unfortunately a lot of people (men and women) will use the excuse of being cheated on to be generally flaky and non committal. It's the perfect 'it's not you it's me' scenario. They get to keep you hanging just where they want you by citing all the terrible emotional turmoil they've been through in the past which you feel you can't argue with because feelings bla bla bla.

Look, the way I see it is while people do genuinely have long lasting issues when bad things have happened to them, you shouldn't be the one to pay for his cheating ex's mistakes. Set boundaries that you're happy with. If he's letting you down or fobbing you off then put a stop to it. Don't buy the 'ive been hurt in the past' bullshit or at least be very wary of it.

I'm not saying that every person who has been through bad stuff should hide this inner anxieties or insecurities but I think you have to go with your gut when deciding if it's a genuine issue or a convenient excuse.

WotcherHarry · 25/02/2020 22:12

Honestly - I’ve met enough guys like this to say that it won’t get better. It’s his issues, nothing to do with you. You can’t love it out of him or make it better. You deserve better than a half hearted response.

bluebell34567 · 25/02/2020 22:14

if he has been cheated on recently maybe he hasnt dealt with it properly and needs time.
but generally i would just bin it.

Original poster

Purpleunicorn35 · 25/02/2020 22:29

How do you assert those boundaries? Give him a final chance or just say you're being too flaky I'm not interested...??

OP posts:

beckywiththeshithair37 · 25/02/2020 22:35

I would just tell him what you're not happy with and if he tries to bring up the cheating thing then be assertive and say something like 'I'm not your ex. I'm willing to be patient but I don't think I should be suffering because of her poor behaviour. I deserve a clean slate and a neutral basis for a new relationship'.

And he if doesn't understand or change, bin it.

litterbird · 25/02/2020 22:36

Stay away from separated men. They will blow hot and cold constantly because they are not ready for a relationship. This will not get better. You will be the “stepping stone” relationship that gets him through the bad bits on his terms then you will probably be left for someone else when his divorce is through and he feels better. Happens all the time. Only date men one year after their divorced. Saves all this angst you are feeling. He’s not ready for a relationship by a long shot.

hawaiianturtle · 25/02/2020 23:03

At the end of the day ime if a guy likes you and wants to spend time with you then he will. He'll put effort in because it's what he wants to do. Actions speak louder then words. And you only have his side of the story in regards to the cheating ex. My ex goes around telling people I left him for somebody else when the reality is he just wouldn't accept it was over for a very long time and when I moved on he didn't like it. We have the kids 50/50 so I still have to deal with the bitterness and blame a lot when in reality it was his lack of effort or time for me that ended the relationship even after spending over half of our 10 years together asking for more and telling him it wasn't enough for me. If you know what you want but he's not giving it to you so early on then he won't be bothered to give it to you in the future. So don't waste so much time like I did. My now husband has been cheated on in the past but has never let that affect our relationship.

Marshmello · 25/02/2020 23:10

Boundaries - what about his? He's obviously finding it difficult to trust/expose himself, as has been traumatised by infidelity.

What exactly does his flakiness involve? I think it's fair enough for him to ask to go slow. But I don't quite get what he's been doing.

My thought would be that if you love him, he's worth giving a bit of time.

CalleighDoodle · 25/02/2020 23:11

Heartbroken? Fallen in love?! Ffs op it has been a month!!!!

Patch23042 · 25/02/2020 23:42

You seem besotted. He appreciates that because he senses that you won’t cheat which is probably very important to him, but that doesn’t mean that he believes you’re perfect for him. It probably means that he is fond of you and that you’re a reliable sort who’ll do for now. If he were genuinely very keen you’d know. Sorry OP. Bad timing.

user1481840227 · 26/02/2020 00:03

I would stay well away. I wouldn't have went there in the first place. Chances are after 5 months he hasn't even begun to process this properly and the worst is yet to hit him.
I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who was still getting over someone else.
Also don't be so sure that you know he's not a bad one because you know his circles. Often the worst guys are held in very high esteem within their circles, it's the women who are close to them who know the real person.

I was seeing a very emotionally abusive horrible guy, you'd think he was a stand up guy if you didn't know the real him. His ex had cheated on him but you wouldn't blame her if you had heard the way he had treated her, vile emotional and verbal abuse and made her feel like dirt. I think she cheated as a way out.

I'm not saying that this guy is like that, but it's impossible to tell by his circles or after knowing him for such a short amount of time. Take him down off the pedestal!

PinkMonkeyBird · 26/02/2020 13:13

Tipping it on it's head, he doesn't sound ready to be in a relationship and needs time to heal from what happened. He might be perfect for you, but you are both at different points post-relationship. I also agree with the PP at stop putting him on a pedestal...nobody is perfect.

The fact is he has his kids 50% of the time and will need to give them his time too. Going headlong into a full on relationship 5 months after splitting with someone else (with kids into the mix) is a recipe for disaster. If he wants to scale it back a bit, then good on him as he's doing the right thing.

ShesCurly · 26/02/2020 14:19

He's been separated five months.

You've been with him a month or so.

This isn't a great love story, it's bad timing and asking for trouble.

You say he isn't treating you right. It doesn't matter whether that's because he's still heartbroken or perhaps because he's a nob.

The end result is the same - you are still seeing someone who isn't treating you well and is causing you anxiety and doubt.

This early on it really shouldn't be this hard.

He doesn't sound remotely ready to date. And you sound naive thinking that he is and thinking you are in love with someone you've known 4/5/6 weeks who is already by your own admission not treating you right.

Step away and leave room in your life for someone you can be healthy and happy with.

FlaskMaster · 26/02/2020 14:24

Sounds like what he means when he says "take it slow" is that he'd like to keep being flakey and not respecting your time or taking the relationship seriously. He wants to pick you up and drop you whenever he fancies and you to just put up with it. That's not what taking it slow means, and being cheated on isn't an excuse for it. He's not that into you. Cut your losses.

Tableclothing · 26/02/2020 14:43

been separated 5 months (wife cheated)

Five months is nothing in this scenario.

You can't stop him being flaky. There is no magic word or behaviour that can change him. All you can do is decide how much shit you're prepared to tolerate.

How do you assert those boundaries? Give him a final chance

No.

Original poster

Purpleunicorn35 · 26/02/2020 15:26

Thanks all. I am going to step away from this.

OP posts:

ShesCurly · 26/02/2020 15:39

Step away from the thread or the relationship?

I hope you are ok and please don't invest too much too soon in someone who isn't ready, you should put yourself and your little one first

Pandamoore · 26/02/2020 15:47

I think you need to walk away. Think of it like this, if you married someone the love of your life that you thought would be forever and started a fam with - and then totally out of the blue they cheated on you and broke your heart. ...Would you start dating again 4 months later? It's odd. So.ething is off about it. So something is off about him.

It also sounds like he love bombed you a little in the beginning? It would explain why you've got do attached so fast (That and...well, we're all suckers for a handsome face right?). But now he knows you like him, be has lost interest. But he wants to string you along incase his ego needs stroking again.

I think walking away would be sensible. Im sorry that you've found yourself in this situation. But he was only ever thinking about himself. I wonder if that's why his wife saught affection elsewhere..if indeed she even was the one to cheat.

Dieu · 26/02/2020 16:00

You haven't fallen in love with him. It's been less than two months.

Opentooffers · 26/02/2020 16:11

Be wary of anyone separated but not divorced, especially if recent. Also, you don't know that his wife didn't have an affair because of his flakyness, it could just be him

Whatisthisfuckery · 26/02/2020 16:38

It’s the start of the relationship OP, what you settle for now will be the best you ever get.

Original poster

Purpleunicorn35 · 26/02/2020 16:57

He definitely love bombed me. My ex did this and let to an abusive relationship for years, so I was already very lacking in my own judgment on men. I just wish he'd never contacted me. I feel very stupid.

OP posts:

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