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Original poster

Do I have the right to feel hurt?

29 replies

peonyfairy03 · 24/02/2020 21:55

So my DH and I have been married 3 yrs together 6 this is both our second marriage.

My first marriage was abusive and controlling in every way DH is a dream compared to first husband.

I know we both have a past however tonight he has dropped a bombshell that he used to sleep with one of the bridesmaids at a wedding we are going to in 3 weeks time. We have talked in the past about previous partners Not once has he ever mentioned this person at all feel hurt he kept it and not sure why he said if she wasn’t going to be at the wedding he would never have told me.

Sorry just wanted to rant and he feels I have no right to feel cross at him but I do because he lied or deliberately didn’t ever mention her.

OP posts:

Flyingf1edgelings · 24/02/2020 21:59

Why do you need to know? It was before you, he didn't cheat

Eckhart · 24/02/2020 22:02

You always have the right to feel your feelings. It sounds like you're upset that he has kept something from you, rather than that he slept with this person. Is that right?

Elliesmommy · 24/02/2020 22:03

I think it's a good thing he told you. It shows hes open and honest with you. Dont think he lied really did he. We all have pasts. I haven't told my husband everyone I have slept with. He hasn't told me everyone. To be honest it's none of my business who he has slept with.

Original poster

peonyfairy03 · 24/02/2020 22:05

You are right I don’t care he slept with her it’s more the fact he never mentioned it he’s told me about his previous 4 partners but not her. never once mentioning her to me he acted like he didn’t even know her when I was talking about her after the hen party.

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/02/2020 22:06

You don’t have the right to somebody’s past. She clearly isn’t somebody he still sees anything more than occasionally, so it’s not as if you can claim some sort of embarrassment that you see her all the time and never knew they’d slept together. And I’m not sure why he must have “lied” or deliberately not mentioned her: it doesn’t sound like they had a long or serious relationship so I expect he just forgot until he saw her name again.

YakkityYakYakYak · 24/02/2020 22:07

I don’t think it’s an issue that he hasn’t told you every person he’s slept with. If they had a major relationship and he’d never mentioned it I’d maybe find it odd, but I don’t think couples need to know about every previous fling or one night stand that the other has had. Everyone has a past.

rvby · 24/02/2020 22:08

So you're angry that he didn't tell you about this woman before? Have I got that right?

If that's the problem, then no, you don't have a right to feel hurt. You don't own him. He's allowed to keep any part of his history to himself, if he chooses to.

It's massively controlling to demand a partner bare every corner of their life to you, just to spare your hypothetical feelings in some hypothetical future situation.

Sunflowersok · 24/02/2020 22:08

Oh no I’m going through a similar thing and I’m really struggling with the aftermath of it all.

I think you have a right and are entitled to how you feel, but as past is past you need to work on putting it behind you.

Sometimes we think saying things can do more harm than good unless we ultimately need to be honest, I can see that side of things. You’ll have to let us know how your feeling develop over time I’ve the matter.

I’m sorry you are in this situation, I know how much it stings

Dery · 24/02/2020 22:23

Agree with PPs - this was before you were together. It’s decent of him to have told you when you’re going to be encountering her. I don’t think failing to have mentioned it previously means that he lied. I haven’t told my DH about all my partners and he hasn’t told me.

Eckhart · 24/02/2020 22:25

Is it a situation where he made out that he'd told you everyone he'd slept with? I mean, if you'd agreed between you that you'd share full histories, and trusted each other on that, then he's broken your trust. But if he's just neglected to mention her until now, it could just be because there'd be no relevance to him telling you until now.

PurpleDaisies · 24/02/2020 22:26

I don’t think he was under any obligation to tell you.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 24/02/2020 22:32

What would knowing about this person have gained you? Does it actually change anything?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 24/02/2020 23:21

I don't actually get this at all. I'm sure my DH hasn't detailed every sexual partner he has before me.. why would it matter? Genuinely confused.. he didn't know you, or at least wasn't with you, it's just totally not relevant. He didn't think to mention her - honestly you need a full resume??

Musti · 25/02/2020 03:39

Huh? I've never told a partner who I've slept with (and there hasn't been many) not known about my exes. I knew about their exes but not anyone else they may have slept with.

Maybe it was a casual thing or something he regretted or whatever but he's done no wrong by not telling you.

CrystalAlligator · 25/02/2020 05:02

Are people missing OP’s comment where she says that when she got back from the hen and mentioned this lady her husband acted like he didn’t know her?

I find that odd tbh, sure he’s technically under no obligation to tell you he had slept with her. But it feels like quite a deliberate omission. I don’t know the names of everyone DH shagged before me. But if I ended up going on a hen with one of them and he didn’t mention that he knew her and had some history i’d find that strange and wonder why. It takes nothing to say ‘oh funnily enough I do know Laura, we used to see each other a bit back in 2013’ or whatever. Unless you’re very paranoid and insecure and he was worried about your reaction?

I wouldn’t have an issue with this but I’d be upset if DH did what yours has done, not least because if the other lady ever mentioned that they knew him I’d want to not be the last to find out amongst us and be told on the hen. I think that’d feel way more awkward than knowing beforehand.

I see why you’re upset OP. I would be too. I would always tell DH if we were going to be socialising with an ex or ex fling. Just courtesy in our relationship. I accept some people couldn’t care less to even be told but I do think most people would appreciate a heads up.

dontgobaconmyheart · 25/02/2020 05:58

Hurt seems a bit strong. I'd be interested as to why he chose to pretend he didn't know her, which is bizarre. I wonder if she said something after he pretended not to know her

At the end of rhe day OP probably like most people he gave a favourable convenient history of ex's at the beginning and omitted anything that made him look offspring such as casual sex etc. Nobody is perfect and it's all a bit of putting but there you go, it was before you were together so not much to be done other than endure an awkward wedding watching him squirm in a situation of his own making. We've all had sex lives, it means as much as you make it mean, I think.

Original poster

peonyfairy03 · 25/02/2020 07:14

Thank you everyone. After talking about it last night with him the the reason he has told me is she has started messaging him and being a bit full on. He says he never told me about her before as it was a casual fling after his first wife left him and he was a bit embarrassed about it. I told him I felt hurt that he pretended he didn’t know her at all and he said he didn’t know why he did that. I trust him he’s telling me the truth and hope the wedding doesn’t bring up any surprises

OP posts:

CandyCaneLeBonBon · 25/02/2020 07:32

I had something similar op and it was a bit jarring. My dp has a short fling with a friend he sees a lot of and by default I do too. He didn't mention it until I asked outright and it did make me feel a bit weird for a couple of days so I get that it's wrong footed you a bit. However if you've talked and it's in the open now, accept it and move on. When you say she's been messaging him and being full on, do you mean flirtatiously? Does she know he's married to you?

Windmillwhirl · 25/02/2020 07:39

Seriously? His past is his to reveal what he chooses about his previous partners. I think you are going to ruin this wedding for him, which is very wrong.

Who I slept with before my bf is none of his business.

CandyCaneLeBonBon · 25/02/2020 08:58

@Windmillwhirl did you read the bit where she's been texting him?

Windmillwhirl · 25/02/2020 09:03

Did you see the messages? Did he respond by saying he isn't interested and is happily married or was it just the one message from her testing the water?

Very brazen of her to be full on especially if it hasn't reciprocated. Not sure why he didn't just shut this down immediately and leave you out of it.

Original poster

peonyfairy03 · 25/02/2020 09:50

I’m certainly not going to ruin the wedding for anybody. The messages are flirtatious and he has shown me. He hasn’t shut her down but he’s not overly encouraging her. The one that sticks out is her telling him she is going to dance with him. He just replied back I don’t dance and she replied you will when you see me in my dress. He hasn’t replied and I think it’s that that prompted him to tell me they had history together.

I know I have no rights to know his past but he freely told me his previous partners on his own free will I don’t think about them or anything that his past but I have found it hard he missed that one out for whatever his reasons were but now deciding to tell me.

OP posts:

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 25/02/2020 09:53

Sounds like your dh has acted responsibly, told you and stopped replying to her.

I haven't told my dh about all the casual flings I've had, just my major relationships.

Windmillwhirl · 25/02/2020 10:03

Do you think he is hiding something? That they were together when he was married, not after?

I don't tell my bf about casual flings. He only knows about the men I had significant relationships with.

Sounds like he has to been very open re the messages and hasn't encouraged her at all.

CandyCaneLeBonBon · 25/02/2020 11:23

Fingers crossed there's no more to this. I hope the wedding is uneventful and thoroughly enjoyable for you both. If she messages like that again he really does need to actually shut the convo down to make things crystal clear that he's not interested I think. Not to do so, having told you about it seems unkind and perhaps as if he might be enjoying the attention.

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