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Original poster

DP and saved money

42 replies

Namechanging123 · 24/02/2020 21:34

For some context DP and I have one child together (aged 2) and one on the way. DP has a child from a previous relationship (aged 15).
DP and I are both relatively low earners, me particularly as I only work part time due to childcare. We do not have a joint bank account. As he is the higher earner he pays more bills than me, though I still pay a few "big" monthly bills, then I pay mostly for day to day ie the weekly shop, petrol for the car, clothes whenever our DC needs them etc. Typically due to being low earners, as much as we live relatively comfortably (never having to count pennies), we do live wage to wage with little left over.

Now the reason I'm posting is, I have recently found out DP has saved by almost £1000 for him and his DS. His DS has a new and always expensive hobby every few months. So he is planning on spending this money on days out for the two of them, and buying gifts for his son, in relation to whatever the hobby is this month.
This has naffed me off a bit. Now if it was totally spare money then no issues, I'd know its not my place to tell him what to spend on his son but, firstly he never spends a penny on our DC together, leaves that all to me. And secondly there is household things that we really need but have been putting off buying because the money (as far as I knew) has just never been there at the end of the month when everything is paid.

Would you be annoyed if you were in this situation?

OP posts:
nicelyneurotic · 24/02/2020 21:42

It doesn't sound as if he is treating the relationship as a proper partnership or acknowledging the sacrifice you've made to your (current and future) earning potential by doing the lion's share of childcare. You need to speak to him about this. Do you feel loved? Do you talk about things?

I actually think it is nice he is doing things for DS but not if it means his other children go without.

JKScot4 · 24/02/2020 21:45

What’s the hobby? Does he pay maintenance? It’s pretty underhand especially if you need things done and have a baby on the way. I’d not be happy, does he know you know?

Original poster
Namechanging123 · 24/02/2020 21:58

@nicelyneurotic
We spoke before about money and his DS. At that point in time he was spending waaay beyond his means every weekend on his son, a combination of excursions and takeaways etc. He was frequently leaving himself short for bills meaning I was having to top up his bank account from mine, which subsequently meant our son was going without so I put my foot down and said it had to stop. Since then he's been quite cloak and dagger regarding what he spends on his son.

@JKScot4
Yes he pays maintenance every week. And no he doesn't know I know, he was showing me something on his phone and when he first unlocked it he was on his text conversation with his son regarding it. He definitely doesn't realise I saw.

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 24/02/2020 22:01

Disney dad trying to buy affection, he needs to remember he has two other kids.
He’s leaving you short to entertain his son, selfish arse.

nicelyneurotic · 24/02/2020 22:05

Agree with JKScot it's underhand and rather sly. I'd use your forthcoming baby as an opportunity to sit down and re- work out your joint finances as a family. Reassure him you dont want his eldest son to go without but it needs to be fair.

If nothing changes I would be looking into a secret savings fund of my own.

NotStayingIn · 24/02/2020 22:12

I would be annoyed too. The reason he does it is because you make up the shortfall. And also because he doesn’t need to spend on your DC as your DC wouldn’t know whether he spend the money anyway, being only 2. But with his DS he can be the big guy and buy love. Total Disney dad. I would definitely make sure I pay for nothing more then my fair share.

LangSpartacusCleg · 25/02/2020 00:35

He sounds like a boyfriend rather than a partner.

A new baby on the way is a good time to re-evaluate your finances. Draw up a comprehensive budget to show him how much is spent on the kids and he needs to contribute at least half, more if you continue to do the majority of the childcare. Show him how much it cost him if you worked full time and you both had to pay for childcare.

Fantasiaa · 25/02/2020 02:04

I think overall ur being unreasonable.
You say he pays more than you towards things suggesting he understands you earn even less than the little he earns.
Honestly not sure how you would even bring this up to him as even the language your using hear e.g “money on our DC vs money on his son” makes it sound a bit jealous etc

If he’s saving some money for his son and him to do an activity as long as he’s still paying his share etc then what’s the real problem ?

SunshineCake · 25/02/2020 06:08

He's not paying his share Fantasiaa as he pays nothing for the toddler.

category12 · 25/02/2020 06:17

Oh, so you told him to stop spending so much on his son, so now he's doing it behind your back.

You can't dictate what he does. Clearly.

Original poster
Namechanging123 · 25/02/2020 06:21

@Fantasiaa
He never pays anything towards toddler as he cries poverty every week claiming he's skint after bills. This is clearly not the case. Why is it fair that after bills he's able to save money to such degree, but every penny of mine goes on our family for essentials leaving little room for luxury?

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanging123 · 25/02/2020 06:29

Especially when there's household things we really do need and are going without because we don't have the money. This will inevitably end up coming out my pocket.

OP posts:
ShriekingBansheela · 25/02/2020 06:32

You need a more transparent and collaborative approach to budgeting and finances.

He needs to understand that you have less money because you are doing childcare.

That is a serious subject. You are getting less pension payments, less promotion prospects because you are taking in your shared responsibility for childcare.

Work out between you your joint outgoings. Pool all your shared income towards these outgoings. Include a reasonable amount for your DSS’ needs too as well as baby’s needs. Then agree an equal amount each of ‘spending money’ and whatever you can as shared savings. Do put a bit aside for savings each month, even a tenner helps build a rainy day fund.

I would tell him you have noticed his text, just say you realise that the two of you are just being as hoc and disorganised about your joint financial needs and you need to sort out how money works in your partnership.

category12 · 25/02/2020 06:35

It really depends on what the household things are? If it's repairs to something vital, that's terrible. If it's wanting a nicer sofa or something, that's debatable and his priority being different isn't bad, just different.

freeingNora · 25/02/2020 06:54

I'd be asking for a civil partnership agreement personally. You have absolutely no protection whatsoever and this bloke is a self entitled taker

He takes your time, your free child care your resources he thinks you're a soft touch less than he is because the drudgery is all yours you've got a vagina you make all the sacrifices meanwhile Disney daddy here he is.

You're completely unprotected he could get up and walk out tomorrow you'd be up shite creek with two smalls

I'd be watching his actions over words

10FrozenFingers · 25/02/2020 06:57

This is very bad.

What are you going to do?

Scunnnnnered · 25/02/2020 07:13

Women are told to put money away on here without telling their partner so I see no problem with it and before anyone piles in, it’s not just women in abusive relationships either

annielennoxstuckinmyhead · 25/02/2020 07:27

But he's not saving to flee an abusive relationship. He's saving to spend his own money on a son from previous relationship and not doing the same for his other existing children.

category12 · 25/02/2020 08:00

But it's not wrong to spend money on his ds. If he was pissing it away on himself alone, then it would be different, but his ds shouldn't miss out because he's chosen to have a second family.

It also depends on the scale of it. If they really can't afford things for the household and their toddler goes without (what?), then that's different from him prioritising something fun with son over new wallpaper or something.

Op, clearly if you're working out a budget with your partner, you need to factor in a "fun with son" pot of money too, otherwise it simply won't work, because he doesn't agree with it and will circumvent you.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 25/02/2020 08:04

He should spend or save for his 3 children equally. If you're keeping the house running because he's spending too much on one child that's not fair on you. You are subsidising these expensive hobbies which is crazy. You need to look at your joint finances and if he's hiding things and sponging off you it's financial abuse.

10FrozenFingers · 25/02/2020 08:23

But it's not wrong to spend money on his ds.

Of course it's wrong if his other children have to go without.

How can you think it's right?

Original poster
Namechanging123 · 25/02/2020 08:55

For example our son had to wait to get a decent winter coat until I got paid. Things like that. Regarding household stuff it's a bit of everything, our mattress is knackered and a lot of decorating needs done due to repairs but I'm not bothered about these things. On the other hand both the washing machine and fridge are breaking regularly so we really need new of both ASAP.

I'm not denying that he should spend money on his son but him not having the money to fund the lifestyle he would like has nothing to do with him having a 'second family'. If he was on his own he'd have all the same bills to pay, plus the few I have to pay, as well as having to pay for food, petrol, toiletries etc. This would leave him with even less disposal income and wouldn't be able to get top ups from me.

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 25/02/2020 09:12

You are soon going to have another baby with a knackered washer and he’s got ££ stashed, you need to have serious words. He’s a selfish liar, leaving you short so he can be a disney dad to ONE child whilst your boy goes without, what kind of parent sees his toddler needing a warm coat and doesn’t buy it?

MaybeNew · 25/02/2020 09:30

Do you and your DP budget at all? I suspect not from your OP. You need to use a budgeting app or write a list of all your monthly out goings and income. You need a clothes budget for all of you and anything you might need for the new baby. Then you need to add on amount to save for emergencies. In addition, you need to list what extra expenses you think you have coming up in the next 12 months. Basically, what you have to spend (1st priority) like rent, utilities, child maintenance and food, what you need to spend like replacement clothes, baby stuff and the savings fund for emergencies (2nd priority) and what you’d like to spend ie fun money, savings for days out, meals out, holidays etc (3rd priority). You then need to work out who pays what percentage of each category. You both need to be happy with the outcome and if you are not, then I suggest that you think about where the relationship is going and see if you can get some counselling. Resentment will kill a relationship and IMO you are not being unreasonable to refuse to subsidise his Disney parenting of one child at the others’ expense. I bet he doesn’t pull his weight domestically either. I would make him do at least his own washing so that he sees how inconvenient it is when the washer breaks down.

Original poster
Namechanging123 · 25/02/2020 10:10

@MaybeNew

We do budget to an extent. In theory it should be a case of us both paying what we need to pay towards household, then having some left over for ourselves at the end (for things we do separate, meeting up with friends etc). Unfortunately life has a tendancy of getting in the way of that. For instance regarding winter coat, I'd usually always have money for that type of thing whenever we needed it, but in the same week we ended up with an unexpected large bill as car had to go to garage. It seems like my bank account takes more of a hit regarding emergencies than his.
I thought I was being considerate in the past with allowing him to slack regarding contributing to our DC financially, as he has another child he pays for. I now see he's somewhat took the piss with that!

I think referring to him as a disney parent is bang on. I've always noticed how often he sees his DS (since he's been old enough to decided when he wanted to go to dad's house, instead of set days each week) has depended on how much he's been spending on him. For example when his DS is aware his dad has some money saved, he seems him a lot. In comparison to at a point last year DP lost a close family member and had to contribute to the funeral, because at this point he had no money at all for treats and days out, his son never bothered to come round. Buying his sons affection has become the norm in their relationship.

OP posts:
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