DP and saved money

[Namechanging123]

For some context DP and I have one child together (aged 2) and one on the way. DP has a child from a previous relationship (aged 15).
DP and I are both relatively low earners, me particularly as I only work part time due to childcare. We do not have a joint bank account. As he is the higher earner he pays more bills than me, though I still pay a few "big" monthly bills, then I pay mostly for day to day ie the weekly shop, petrol for the car, clothes whenever our DC needs them etc. Typically due to being low earners, as much as we live relatively comfortably (never having to count pennies), we do live wage to wage with little left over.

Now the reason I'm posting is, I have recently found out DP has saved by almost £1000 for him and his DS. His DS has a new and always expensive hobby every few months. So he is planning on spending this money on days out for the two of them, and buying gifts for his son, in relation to whatever the hobby is this month.
This has naffed me off a bit. Now if it was totally spare money then no issues, I'd know its not my place to tell him what to spend on his son but, firstly he never spends a penny on our DC together, leaves that all to me. And secondly there is household things that we really need but have been putting off buying because the money (as far as I knew) has just never been there at the end of the month when everything is paid.

Would you be annoyed if you were in this situation?

You are not married, so you are financially vulnerable

He should pay towards his other child

Do you claim the child benefit in your name ? Because it pays your stamp towards your state pension & other benefits

I agree, use this time to talk about finances

Until he can afford to treat all his children equally he needs to just send the basic maintenance to his son.

What a prick.

Selfish liar.
Leaving a small child wait for a warm coat while he "treats" another.
Deal breaker.

Sorry OP, he's treating you like a mug.

I would insist on that money being transferred to you or consider your future.

He doesn't care about his second child.

Well, of course, dad is more attractive when he can offer treats vs sitting in at your house with a toddler. That's understandable, surely? Not saintly but human.

You really need to work out a joint budget, and build in leisure money and personal spends into that.

Start jointly contributing to savings pots for the long term household things, an emergency fund and he does need to pitch in to buying for your dc together.

But it's no good telling him not to spend on his son, he'll resent you just as much as you resent him and has demonstrated he won't keep to it. Build it in to your financial planning if you intend to stay together.

@category12
There's a big difference between me telling him not to spend money on his son (which I have never done) and me telling him I'm no longer leaving myself short because he has left himself unnecessary skint. When I'm been given the options of; feeding and clothing my son as and when he needs OR handing over money meaning my son is going without essentials so his son can have hundreds of pounds worth of treats, I sure as hell know what one I'm going to choose. And I don't give two fucks who resents me for it!

I just think this sounds like a shitty situation created by two people who should have thought harder about having two more babies when they knew they were on low incomes and there was an existing child to be supported as a priority first. I appreciate that isn’t particularly helpful but you’ve both been selfish. If he’s on a low income and pays basic maintenance then he isn’t paying anything like half the cost of DS1’s living expenses and unless DS1’s mother has a much higher income, DS1 isn’t going to be getting a lot of treats at home. I can completely see why he’s going to feel guilty and want to compensate for it.

You need a proper budget between the two of you and I think you need to look at going back to work full time and preparing for if/when you end up a lone parent.

What is he spending on for the son? Nobody needs £100s of treats.

@ComtesseDeSpair
You are absolutely right.. In that you comment was not helpful at all

Have you asked him if he has any money to put towards the fridge and washing machine? Plus I'd hope you both have savings to cover your maternity leave.

you've both been selfish

No, only OPs partner has been selfish.

This is very clearly not right OP. Like others say you need to sit him down and go through finances properly - remind him how much childcare for two children under five would cost and that you are therefore contributing and he is choosing not to. But personally I would struggle to stay with a man that would see a toddler go without a coat knowing he had a four figure number secretly stashed away for luxuries for one of his children. Fair enough if the rest of his family had that to spare, but they don't. Perhaps he would start seeing all the children as his responsibility if he didn't live with any of them. His attitude is disgraceful.

Sorry, I didn’t realise he was not spending any money on his younger child. Leaving him without a coat is awful.

@ComtesseDeSpair
Is it best if people who are low incomes don’t stretch those low incomes more by having additional children ? Yes. But there’s no need to say that when the children are already here. It’s not a very useful. It’s implied.

I'm shocked how many women on MN make su Co appalling life decisions.

They should start teaching laws and finances in school.

It is what it is now. You need to go to him and ask for complete transparency. But remember he holds all the cards.

You are weaker and in a worse position so negotiate and plan accordingly.

Not on at all. He’s leaving your other 2 out. I’d say the money needs to be split 3 ways and time and money equally spent (as equal as possible if his son doesn’t reside at yours)

Dad needs to suggest less expensive hobbies for his son it’s clearly above your means

@GothamProtector
For what it's worth, I'd probably be in a better position finically if I wasn't with him. We currently live in DP's hometown as it's where his son lives and I wouldn't want him to move away from his son while he is still young. However if I was to move back to my hometown then I would have family support and help with childcare meaning I could return to work full time much easier and have a fairly comfortable wage. I just think some things in life are more important than money, and I thought my partner living in close proximity to his son was one of them.

How far away is your home town?

Are you aware that he could obtain a prohibitive steps order and stop you removing his sons from a certain distance from their residence?

Just say I think we need to sort the finances out again, as I’m left with nothing!
See what he says, if he says he as no money
Then come back with well how do you manage to fund taking your ds out over the weekend ?
Tell him is hasn’t just got one child, he has 3, and they all need to be treated the same.
If he can’t do this, then you may have to rethink things about the relationship

It’s good you’ve got the house in just your name.

Have you asked him for money for things which need replacing? Is he aware it's a problem? What is his plan for when you go on maternity leave?