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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this salvageable?

40 replies

NotAnotherNameChangePlease · 24/02/2020 20:50

Marriage has very much gone stale. We sleep in separate rooms, he won’t talk to me about anything other than completely mundane crap, I’ve tried so hard to get him interested again but I’m just swimming uphill.

We have 2 dc, youngest is 4yo and I was raped when I was pregnant with him. Dh very clearly can’t move past this and point blank refuses to discuss it with me. He moved out of our bedroom then to ‘give me space’ and hasn’t come back.

We’ve just had his parents with us and I’ve realised that we’re turning into them. All they do is talk about the weather and the traffic, nothing else, ever. If you try to bring up something vaguely interesting, like Coronavirus, or anything, they just stare at you in horror and go back to talking about the weather. I had to go and cry in the bathroom while they were here. I just suddenly got overwhelmed by the realisation that I’m going to spend the rest of my life talking about how it might rain or whether to take the M6 or the toll.

OP posts:

Sassypants82 · 24/02/2020 21:05

Have you had any counselling yourself since the rape?

I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Are you affectionate to one another?

Original poster

NotAnotherNameChangePlease · 24/02/2020 21:11

Sorry that was a great mess of things. I’m just feeling sad and a bit pointless

OP posts:

Original poster

NotAnotherNameChangePlease · 24/02/2020 21:13

I had counselling and I think it helped loads. I don’t really want to discuss it with Dh other than to try and get him to talk to me or get some kind of counselling himself because I know he’s so, so angry with me about it but would never admit it.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotAnotherNameChangePlease · 24/02/2020 21:15

I tried being affectionate for ages but he just kept shrugging me off. I’ve told him that I want us to split a few times. Each time he seems shocked and tells me he had no idea I felt like that. Then he’ll be really lovely to me for a few weeks before just going back to his usual self and pretty much pretending I do t exist.

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 24/02/2020 21:17

It doesn't sound very salvageable to be honest. He's shut down really.

cheapskatemum · 24/02/2020 21:19

Please don’t apologise, that sounds like an awful lot to be coping with. Is your DH a good Dad? Would he go to relationship counselling with you?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/02/2020 21:20

He's angry with you for being raped?!

What an absolute fucking shitbag.

Don't just LTB - leave skidmarks on your way out.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 24/02/2020 21:22

No op, I don't think it is salvageable, and I don't think I would want to salvage a relationship with someone I felt was angry with me because I was raped. Why do you think he feels like that?

LittleWing80 · 24/02/2020 21:24

Do you think he is angry at himself because he feels he failed to protect you? He needs to process those feelings but you can’t make him. It has to come from him.

bellsbuss · 24/02/2020 21:26

He may be angry with himself as he he may feel that he it's his fault for not protecting you. You've been through a lot OP and my heart goes out to you , he needs to speak to someone so that he can start communicating with you and be there for you.

BobbyBlueCat · 24/02/2020 21:28

What happens when you try to get in to bed with him?
Not to have sex or be sexual in any way. I just mean to sleep.

Can't you just do that for a while?
It's easy to get used to sleeping alone and fall in to that habit.
JUST sleeping together and having those dozing off chats, knowing there's no 'sexual' reason for you being there may slowly bring you back closer together.

FlowerArranger · 24/02/2020 21:34

I’ve told him that I want us to split a few times. Each time he seems shocked and tells me he had no idea I felt like that. Then he’ll be really lovely to me for a few weeks before just going back to his usual self and pretty much pretending I do t exist

Since this has happened a few times, it would be unrealistic to expect a different outcome the next time you tell him you want to split. So stop telling him and just leave. If this not possible, see a family lawyer with a view to arranging a legal separation. Maybe he'll pull himself together if he sees you're serious, maybe he won't, but surely anything must be preferable to your current life.

Dery · 25/02/2020 07:59

“Since this has happened a few times, it would be unrealistic to expect a different outcome the next time you tell him you want to split. So stop telling him and just leave. If this not possible, see a family lawyer with a view to arranging a legal separation. Maybe he'll pull himself together if he sees you're serious, maybe he won't, but surely anything must be preferable to your current life.”

This.

Your H’s behaviour is appalling - I would say emotionally abusive and that he is breaking his marriage vows by treating you this way. What about loving and cherishing?

You were raped and he has abandoned you. Presumably because of some primitive, caveman level emotion that he no longer wants you if another man has had you. Or some such. It sounds like the thin end of ‘honour killing’ thinking. Just when you must most have needed his comfort and reassurance, he abandoned you. The fact that he can behave well when he thinks he’s going to lose you also shows that some of this is down to sheer laziness. And perhaps he is getting his sexual needs met elsewhere but even if he isn’t, he is no longer being a husband to you and hasn’t for many years, even though he knows his neglect is hurting you horribly.

You now need to nurture yourself.

His treatment of you and your resulting feelings of pain and rejection will be impacting on your DC. He’s recreating his parents’ relationship. You don’t want your DC to grow up thinking this is what marriage looks like. There are hundreds of posts on here from people who grew up in dysfunctional marriages where the parents stayed together who wish their parents had not done so.

I think, in your shoes, i would be looking to build a life without him.

Windmillwhirl · 25/02/2020 08:08

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You can't go on like this. He has checked out, you know there is more to life than this.

FetchezLaVache · 25/02/2020 09:07

Your husband's treatment of you is utterly appalling and is clearly the result of his uncommunicative upbringing. As @Dery said, this is in turn becoming your children's normal. If you still want to salvage your marriage, I would set him the ultimatum of seeking counselling to talk through his reaction to the terrible thing that happened to you. He knows it's wrong to be angry with you and he needs to deal with it rather than shut you out. Otherwise, you need to leave. He's completely failed you as a husband.

Original poster

NotAnotherNameChangePlease · 25/02/2020 14:31

Dh is right to be angry with me - I was raped by an ex boyfriend, as part of my evidence I showed the police various emails he’d sent me over the years that I hadn’t told Dh about. Nothing that I’d replied to or been in anyway unfaithful but Dh obviously very hurt and angry that I hadn’t told him that ex was still emailing me and that I’d never just blocked him. Long, messy story but it makes it very hard to move on from. I almost want him to shout at me or tell me it’s my fault because I know that is what he thinks, even if he doesn’t explicitly say it.

I do try and show Dh affection but I’m just shrugged off. If I try and hold his hand when we’re out he’ll shake me off and walk ahead/ behind instead.

I think he does still love me, he certainly has seemed genuinely shocked and devastated when I’ve told him that I want to leave. But then his behaviour will change for a few weeks and after a couple of months he will have gone back to his normal self again. I remember as a child begging my parents to get a divorce because they clearly hated each other so much.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 25/02/2020 14:37

The whole point of counselling is that you face up to the issues that you find too scary to go over, with the gentle, helping hand of an expert who can help you to get through them and lay the ghosts to rest.
Even if it didn't help your marriage it would probably help both of you, individually.

Craftycorvid · 25/02/2020 14:41

Emails between you and an ex are what they are. My lovely, in no way are you to blame for being raped. In no way is it ok for your partner to be angry with you for being the victim of rape. I think there is a strong clue about your marriage in what you say about your parents’ marriage. We take our cues (consciously and unconsciously) from our parents and whatever was ‘normal’ for them. You don’t have to live like this.

Original poster

NotAnotherNameChangePlease · 25/02/2020 14:45

He won’t consider it for a second. I told him how much it helped me, I’ve shown him loads of articles about how helpful it is for people, I’ve told him that I’ll leave if he doesn’t have counselling, I’ve booked him a session of online counselling sessions so that he doesn’t have to face someone and can just type to explain, he still won’t do it. He won’t even speak to his friends or family about it as he’s convinced everyone will laugh at him for being a ‘cuckold’.

I just don’t want to do it anymore. I genuinely don’t really think about the rape anymore. It didn’t get to court which makes me infuriated but otherwise I don’t think about it and just want to get on with my life. I don’t think I can do this with Dh angry with me and not even trying to talk to me.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 25/02/2020 14:48

Well, quite - he can be angry about you not mentioning the emails, but that's it. It has nothing to do with you being raped. If you had blocked your ex, he could just as easily have got angry and attacked you for that.

I couldn't be affectionate to someone who was treating me like your dh. He should be begging for your affection, not the other way round.

ravenmum · 25/02/2020 14:49

I’ve told him that I’ll leave if he doesn’t have counselling
This seems fair.

MatterhornMadness · 25/02/2020 14:51

He is not right to be angry at you. Email contact with someone you know isn't consent to be raped!
How dare he blame you for this.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I would not be able to get past the betrayal of my husband not supporting me and helping me to heal if I was raped.
Please seek legal advice for divorce, and I wish you all the best for your recovery and for the future

Dery · 25/02/2020 14:55

Your DH is wrong to be angry at you. He may have been upset about the emails but we’re talking about something that happened 4 years ago PLUS the much bigger picture is that you were the victim of a very violent crime and needed his love and support. He withdrew that 4 years ago and has withheld it ever since. He rejects and humiliates you by shaking you off when you try to be affectionate. That’s nasty behaviour. This was a crime committed against you and he’s made it all about him. This is abusive behaviour on his part.

As is often said on here - love is a verb. You say your husband loves you. Frankly his feelings are irrelevant if this is how he treats you.

It worries me that you seem to think his attitude is somehow justified. That suggests that you have very low standards on how you should be treated by your life partner. Please raise them.

Both you and your H clearly had bad relationship models growing up. Your H seems happy to replicate that. Are you? Do you really want this for your DC?

Life is not a dress rehearsal. You deserve so much better than this. So does your DC.

FlowerArranger · 25/02/2020 14:55

Dh is right to be angry with me

What? I am truly speechless. How did this idea even enter your head? If this is really how you feel, you need more counselling.

I just don’t want to do it anymore.

You don't have to!

ravenmum · 25/02/2020 15:04

he’s convinced everyone will laugh at him for being a ‘cuckold’
He's more concerned about his reputation than about you being attacked by your ex, or the effects it might have had on you. This says how much he loves you.

You didn't even answer the emails your ex wrote you, just received them?

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