Is this salvageable?

[NotAnotherNameChangePlease]

Marriage has very much gone stale. We sleep in separate rooms, he won’t talk to me about anything other than completely mundane crap, I’ve tried so hard to get him interested again but I’m just swimming uphill.

We have 2 dc, youngest is 4yo and I was raped when I was pregnant with him. Dh very clearly can’t move past this and point blank refuses to discuss it with me. He moved out of our bedroom then to ‘give me space’ and hasn’t come back.

We’ve just had his parents with us and I’ve realised that we’re turning into them. All they do is talk about the weather and the traffic, nothing else, ever. If you try to bring up something vaguely interesting, like Coronavirus, or anything, they just stare at you in horror and go back to talking about the weather. I had to go and cry in the bathroom while they were here. I just suddenly got overwhelmed by the realisation that I’m going to spend the rest of my life talking about how it might rain or whether to take the M6 or the toll.

I'm getting way too invested in this thread but anyway: it would be great to hear that you have told your husband to get over himself and if he cannot be a husband to you and make a proper family life for your DC (including making serious amends for the last 4 years of neglect he has imposed on you), you will be going it alone.

I'm going to be blunt, OP but WHY would he change?

You've said you'll leave if he doesn't get counselling. He doesn't get counselling. And yet there you are. Still there.

You've said you'll leave if he doesn't change. He changes for a few weeks. And then goes back to being cold. And yet there you are. Still there.

You threaten to leave but don't. So he's no reason TO change.

Don't threaten to go if you're not going to follow it up. Otherwise, it stops meaning anything.

You've said you grew up begging your parents to divorce. And yet you're putting your kids through the same thing.
You need to make a decision and follow through.

So sorry you are going through this. You are trying, clearly, to salvage the marriage but he’s making no effort. I think he’s very wrong to be angry it seems self indulgent of him - its you it happened to ! He should accept that counselling is what’s needed but seems totally closed off to trying to make it better.

What about a trial separation?

It really isn't salvageable. He treats you horribly. He refuses to try. It really is time to see a solicitor and end this.

Wow, at first I thought perhaps it was the fact you hadn't been honest about having had contact with your ex, and not blocking him was what he was really angry with you about, but the fact he used the word 'cuckold!' That's very wrong and suggests he can't see the very, very obvious distinction with you having sex with someone else and you being raped. What an utterly appalling view for him to have!
I think you need to separate from him OP. If he then goes and gets the counseling he needs (with someone experienced in sexual abuse so he can be put right in his awful attitude), and as a result he realizes how badly he's treated you, for something that was not your fault (and you are absolutely not at fault for being raped), and shows genuine remorse and understanding, maybe, and only then could you consider couples counseling to see if a reconciliation is possible.
I wish you the best of luck.

We have 2 dc, youngest is 4yo and I was raped when I was pregnant with him. Dh very clearly can’t move past this and point blank refuses to discuss it with me. He moved out of our bedroom then to ‘give me space’ and hasn’t come back.

And that's fine because your ex boyfriend rapist bothered you with emails?!

I would really, really, really recommend divorce. This is utterly untenable. You simply cannot be with or even living with, or even talking to someone who blames you for, is angry with you for your rape and worse for you when you were pregnant. What kind of a monster is your H? I would put all that down as his "unreasonable behaviour", let him confront his own abjectness on legal paper and explain it to his solicitors and a judge. Oh to be a fly on that wall.

Please divorce him, for your own recovery and mental health.

I would give him the option marriage counselling and try and make it work or divorce. Make it be his decision because you certainly can't live like that.

I think you will feel a lot less hopeless and lonely if you split with him. You are using all your own energies that you need to heal yourself on him and on how he feels, but if he's not prepared to get help then it's wasted.

He can't, or won't, think beyond his own feelings and needs. As Sorchamarie said his use of 'cuckold' is all wrong. It's very 'telling' - medieval thinking - and shows his mindset. It sounds like he tolerates you in order to maintain an unsatisfactory (for you) status quo. He goes through the motions of listening and changing when you raise the spectre of leaving because he has to. He has no compassion for you, and no passion either.

Needmore books is right - all your energy is going on him. Sadly, I don't think your situation is salvageable because he's not trying. He's punishing you and you don't deserve that in any way.

He's a knob
Ok he can be annoyed you didn't tell him your ex emailed although he should get over that, happened years ago and focus on supporting you. Make some steps to leave him and don't feel you need to hide what happened to you. You're leaving because you were raped and he couldn't support you at all.

You have posted about this loser before, haven't you

He blames you for your rape, trwats you like you are soiled goods and uses weird porn-inspired phrases to make ypur assault all about himself

Fuck him off. Stop making threats you don't follow through and put yourself first for once

This is so sad . Op, you deserve a partner who looks after you when needed. He doesnt. He has made you being raped all about him.

Time to follow through I think.

Cuckold?! That's disgusting. OP you are being treated appallingly. This doesn't have to be your life. Please leave. Yes, it's hard, but you will be so much happier away from him.

OP, this is your Husband, you mention his parents marriage is similar. He is completely repressed and unable to express emotions healthily. The rape has just highlighted how intolerable his reactions are.

Ex's parents were very similar and discussions were always superficial and non controversial. I learnt later that they don't express opinions because they can't cope with any emotions that arise from discussions.

It is very unlikely he will be capable of change even if he attended counselling as it is usually very ingrained.

You need to hear that you deserve better and you don't have to live like this. Once you know you deserve better and it won't change you will be able to separate.

It's wrong for him to be angry with you about you being raped. I couldn't get past that in a partner. it's so unsupportive.

That would be enough for me without even considering the lameness of the everyday convos etc.