DH angry outbursts

[Flyingbird20]

Does anyone have experience of dealing with angry outbursts/shouting episodes by partner?

We have two small DC (both under 3) which can be stressful at times but nothing out of the ordinary. Both work full time, DH does his share of things and we are generally happy on a day to day basis. BUT at least 3/4 times per week he will really lose his shit over something I don’t think most people would consider to be a big deal. Shouting, going red in face, slamming door, banging table etc. Nothing that would scare me personally but not something I want DC to be exposed to or consider normal behaviour. Sometimes it will be in relation to something one of the DC has done (tantrum or similar) which I find ridiculous as it’s then a tantrum in response to a tantrum!

I know different people have different coping mechanisms but this issue ruins so many days...it’s sets an awful vibe in the house, I have to calm everything down and of course it then escalates into an issue of its own. As inevitably there is a need for an apology, discussion about why it can’t continue etc.

But it doesn’t seem to be changing. I’m very worried that as the DC get older they will either normalise this behaviour and copy it or will just become terrified of DH. DH has said he grew up in a very shouty household (mine was the opposite which is another reason it’s such an issue) but him now doing the same doesn’t seem to be enough of a motivation for change. I’ve thought about suggesting anger management/counselling but I expect it won’t be well received. He knows it isn’t acceptable but I honestly don’t think he sees it as much as a problem as I do or anything that goes further than losing his temper. Any thoughts or advice welcome!

I’m very worried that as the DC get older they will either normalise this behaviour and copy it or will just become terrified of DH.

You should be worried because this is exactly what will happen. Your husband's behaviour is completely, utterly unacceptable and you should not be tolerating it. Having to walk on egg shells in your own home is an extremely toxic environment to live and be raised in.

No OP it's abusive behaviour and a totally unacceptable environment for your children to grow up in.

And it will already be damaging them, poor little things. Either make him sort his shit out by going to anger management classes or leave and take your children with you.

This is no way to live and you have a duty to protect them.

Are you afraid to broach this with him? Are you afraid to call him out on it when he does it? What do you think his reaction would be?

If you are not speaking to him about his behaviour, about how it makes you feel and about your desire that your children do not grow up seeing their father losing control like this - if you are not speaking up because you are worried that he will make a big scene in response, then he is being controlling. You say he doesn't scare you, but you are spending considerable time calming him down. You don't for example, just tell him to go and sit on the naughty step, do you? Why not? Are you truly not scared of him?

It isn't your responsibility to calm him down. You should not have to walk on eggshells with your adult partner.

If he responds by minimising his behaviour, then you need to reiterate how it makes you feel and how it will normalise childish behaviour in adulthood in the DC.

If you cannot discuss this together and discuss how to address it together then there is no way forward. You will need to start contemplating separating.

Incidentally, consider that he almost certainly does not do this EVER in his professional life, with his boss and work colleagues etc. Then ask yourself why he feels free to do it with his partner and little children.

Stop trying to calm him down. You are taking away his responsibility for his own actions and giving it all to yourself.

It's abusive behaviour and you shouldn't have to live like this. And it will definitely be affecting the children who will in turn grow up with the affects of their childhood maybe even using similar patterns with their own wifes/husbands and children.

This will only escalate and im not one for believing someone like this can change tbh but if you aren't thinking of splitting anger management would be the first port of call and i would be insisting he goes or leaves.

You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you?

Does your DH act just as shouty to others in the outside world or can he control his reactions around others?. It is highly likely this behaviour from him is solely reserved for you and his children and that in itself is very problematic.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Your DH grew up in a shouty home and now your DC are seeing similar from him as their father. What do you want your DC to remember about their childhoods; that their dad shouted all the time (and 3/4 times a week is a lot) whilst you as their mother stayed with him for her own reasons, wrung her hands and tried and failed to appease him?. They won't say thanks mum to you if you were to decide to do that either.

What you are describing here is really domestic violence within the home and it is damaging to both you and your DC to witness. Anger management courses are NO answer to domestic violence and you need to consider carefully your whole future within this marriage because from what you are writing there is only one way this will go and that is downhill. Joint counselling as well is a non starter because of the verbal abuse he metes out towards you all. Counselling for your own self and on your own is something I would seriously consider doing, you need to be able to talk freely in a calm and safe environment.

I would consider seeking legal advice for your own self (you do not immediately need to act on it but knowledge after all is power) and consider also talking to Womens Aid.

You have discussed it before and its still happening. It will get worse.

What does his boss say to him at work when DH Shouts, goes red in face, slams doors & bangs the table?

Or does he CHOOSE not to do this at work because its aggresive, intimidating and theatening behaviour?

He will get worse.

It is abusive behaviour and it is a big deal.

Like pp said, does he act like this at work?

He doesn't see it as a problem because he gets his way doing this and everyone tip toes around trying not to set him off.

You said it ruins most days. 3/4 days a week is a lot.

Also agree with pp about seeking legal advice and Women's Aid and consider leaving.

Instead of trying to calm him down, next time he kicks off, take yourself and the children and leave. Go to a friend's or a shop or whatever for an hour or so. Do it every time so you and the DC don't have to be around it.

My dad was like this growing up. As a child it was terrifying because you never knew what would set him off, he would just suddenly explode. We walked on eggshells all the time. When I finished school I was really skittish, if someone made a sudden movement towards me I would flinch thinking I was about to be subjected to it all again. It's affected my self esteem as an adult too.

Please tell him it's unacceptable and that if it carries on you will leave. My mother stayed far too long.

I’m so sorry that happened to you @violetbunny, this is exactly what I am afraid of. I know it’s not right and my responsibility is to protect DC. But as I do tend to end up (rightly or wrongly) being the peacekeeper - I worry if were to split he will still see DC but the behaviour will still be there? Did things change after your mum left?

Thanks for all the responses, you are confirming what I already know deep down about it being abusive, I suppose I just want to know that I gave it every chance to change. If anyone has experience of them or a partner tackling this type of behaviour it would be great to share? I know it would be the end of the road for many, it’s just such a big scary decision.

it’s just such a big scary decision.

But for your children not half as scary as staying with him. You have to put them first.

I sought counselling for myself. Like you, I knew the angry outbursts (which were just as you described them) were abusive and controlling, seeing as he could act with self control in other scenarios and had never been fired from a job etc. for aggression - in fact, everyone else thinks the sun shines out his ass. I had broached joint counselling in the past and he had refused to consider it. I made sure to choose a counsellor who had experience dealing with abusive relationships. At the start of my counselling sessions, I was hoping to figure out whether I should stay or leave (I have dc to consider, like you, and wanted what was the most beneficial for them). By 2 months into the counselling I knew what I needed to do but needed to work up the courage and figure out the logistics. I asked him to leave in November and haven't regretted it for a second. I was terrified of his reaction but I truly felt that I owed it to myself and my children to be able to call my home my haven and safe space.

In the end, I realised I had the duty to protect my children from the abuse, which I felt was escalating e.g. stbxh slamming his dinner plate down on the table because my 12 year old hadn't answered to his satisfaction what her day at school had been like, slamming on the brakes while driving the family along the road, flicking a towel at our preschooler son because he wasn't cooperating at the swimming pool changing room etc.
I grew up in a family where my mother was extremely volatile and couldn't wait to leave as soon as I went to University. I would wish constantly that my parents would separate rather than have to live in that horrific atmosphere. I am so proud I have broken the cycle for my children.

Stbxh wanted to know why I had just decided to separate without discussing it with him. I had spent many years trying to figure out what I could do differently so that he'd stop being so angry all the time. In the end I saved my breath because every time I'd tried to explain my concerns, he would -

-Divert and turn it back to me "Oh, so you're perfect"

• Walk away before I could finish speaking
• Give me silent treatment and cold shoulder
• Occasionally punch a wall/counter etc.
• Become the tearful victim
• Gaslight me "That's not what I said", "Don't take words out my mouth"

He well and truly stomped out all the love and will to try that I had for him and in the end I hated him

My experience is probably different because a) it happened long before kids b) it wasnt constant and c) actually he did struggle to control his temper outside tr home.

But basically, dh would lose it and behave appallingly. It was, to an extent, learnt behavior (dont get me started on his parents' responses to his temper).

I gave him an ultimatum- address this or we end it.

He sought counselling which was extremely effective. A few years later he was starting it a little again. He threw something at a door where no one was but I pointed out to him that if one of the DC had appeared, he might not have been able to stop. He promptly went back into counselling for a while where he realised that something that was going on with his family was making him very angry but he hadn't been dealing with it.

He still gets angry of course, but it's not extreme, abusive or irrational. I am incredibly proud of him for the way he worked through things.

@everythingbackbutyou thank you for all the detail and well done for taking that step. It sounds like you dealt with it so brilliantly and how you feel now shows that it was the right thing. I can see so many similarities in what you say your ex responses were with the turning it back around to you, defensiveness, cold shoulder etc. It’s giving me a lot of food for thought. Not very comfortable but this is the advice I need

@BlingLoving, that's lovely to hear. It sounds like the massive difference lies in his taking responsibility and being willing to work to change it. No surprise you are proud of him!

@Flyingbird20, anything you want to talk through, please let me know

And PLEASE don't let anyone convince you he is tired/depressed/stressed. So what if he is? Abuse is never ok.

@BlingLoving that’s great to hear and it’s really good to get this perspective. I suppose this would be my ideal outcome but very much depends on willingness to recognise/address the issue and the individual circumstances. It’s the impact on DC I’m most worried about, I just want to be a good mum and do the right thing

But as I do tend to end up (rightly or wrongly) being the peacekeeper - I worry if were to split he will still see DC but the behaviour will still be there?

He has mantrums 3-4 times a week. You are not keeping the peace at all. You are failing to keep the peace. Of course you are failing to control the moods of an abusive man! He's like this because of his personality not because you aren't simpering enough.

How much does he care for the children entirely on his own? How hands on is he now?

My husband was always like this. He was generally lovely, my best friend, but his temper would come out of nowhere, I was always worried what I had said that had set him off, add two children in the mix and things just got worse, he took it out on them too, screaming and swearing out of nowhere, 18 months ago we went camping. Everyone was having a lovely time. He had a few beers though, the kids argued, like kids do, and the next thing I know he grabs my then 9 year old daughter by the throat and pushes her back into the tent as ' punishment' for accidentally banging into her younger brother. She was terrified. I'll never forgive myself for not ending the marriage sooner.

@milkysmum but you DID end it. You are a hero to your kids and an awesome role model.

If it's any consolation my household is similar sometimes. Quite surprised at everyone jumping to saying it's abusive though, seems like I'm that case about 80% of the population were abused. So the police will be rather busy solving all those claims rather than actually catching criminals, but then I think my definition is that abuse is only physical. My father would smack me, hit me and pull me by the hair. Anyway, it's kind of hard to tell without really knowing all the triggers and the level of shouting etc. Slamming doors is a bit much, that happens about once a year in our house. I sometimes get a bit annoyed by my husband getting shouty, but we all do occasionally. There was a bad phase once but I explained that how it seems to him isn't necessarily how it's perceived by small children. He did take it on board.