DH angry outbursts

[Flyingbird20]

Does anyone have experience of dealing with angry outbursts/shouting episodes by partner?

We have two small DC (both under 3) which can be stressful at times but nothing out of the ordinary. Both work full time, DH does his share of things and we are generally happy on a day to day basis. BUT at least 3/4 times per week he will really lose his shit over something I don’t think most people would consider to be a big deal. Shouting, going red in face, slamming door, banging table etc. Nothing that would scare me personally but not something I want DC to be exposed to or consider normal behaviour. Sometimes it will be in relation to something one of the DC has done (tantrum or similar) which I find ridiculous as it’s then a tantrum in response to a tantrum!

I know different people have different coping mechanisms but this issue ruins so many days...it’s sets an awful vibe in the house, I have to calm everything down and of course it then escalates into an issue of its own. As inevitably there is a need for an apology, discussion about why it can’t continue etc.

But it doesn’t seem to be changing. I’m very worried that as the DC get older they will either normalise this behaviour and copy it or will just become terrified of DH. DH has said he grew up in a very shouty household (mine was the opposite which is another reason it’s such an issue) but him now doing the same doesn’t seem to be enough of a motivation for change. I’ve thought about suggesting anger management/counselling but I expect it won’t be well received. He knows it isn’t acceptable but I honestly don’t think he sees it as much as a problem as I do or anything that goes further than losing his temper. Any thoughts or advice welcome!

I was in this exact situation and last year I left my home with my children (aged 3 and 9 months) The abuse started off as you describe in your OP but gradually escalated to the point where both me and our 3 year old were targets/blamed for his temper. My 3 year old began to show physical and emotional signs of being a victim of abuse. I found my health visitor was a wonderful support and she helped me plan and find a solicitor before I actually left him.

I worry if were to split he will still see DC but the behaviour will still be there?
My ex is currently only allowed supervised contact and is being assessed through family court to decide on how future contact arrangements should go. I got a prohibited steps order to make sure I could keep the children safe with me once I left the relationship. Feel free to pm me if you want any info and I'll help as best I can.

It's a big and scary step but life is so much better for us now and I have no regrets.

@Flyingbird20 When my mother kicked him out he got violent, there was an incident where the police were called. After he moved out (I was 16) I didn't speak to him for several years. I've developed a tentative relationship with him as an adult, but it's arms length. Certainly I have not been exposed to any violence or outbursts since then. If there was any hint of it I would walk away.

I am someone who has stayed with someone like this. The years of eggshell stepping has been normalised. The children largely avoid their father in their rooms or as min conversations and I am sure will have little to do with him once they have their careers. During tweenie and teen they were angry at me for staying. During those years and the difficulty in teens not being able to keep quiet led to many violently abusive arguments and physical. Every trip family meal or holiday or Christmas had been marred by outbursts and tantrums and provocation. A spin off of the outrageous behaviour has been that I did not tell or discuss bad behaviour knowing his reaction would be so over the top and so they did get away with a lot esp how they talked to me.

Luckily somehow they have come thru it and are lovely strong empathetic. Please think v carefully about staying as it will marr their childhood and teens and the toll on you will be significant and because you are brave and strong you may be tempted not to act now.

Schwetzerherz You seriously need to go seek professional assistance for normalizing childhood abuse and assaults that you are describing. I was spanked as well but not the abusive level you are speaking of and no it doesn't happen in every household

My sister and I grew up living with similar from our dad, and it's left us with lifelong anxiety issues, which can make life awful. I'm unable to work. When it comes to relationships, I never want to live with anyone as I don't want to risk living under someone's cloud and walking on eggshells again.

It's the course of your DC's entire lives that could be at stake.

I'm skeptical that your DH could miraculously change, but I suppose you could give it a go, set him an ultimatum. If he stops and the behaviour later returns then you'l have to act on it.

I think my definition is that abuse is only physical

@Schwesterherz Well, you're just wrong there.

Schwesterherz you are surprised because you were reared in a house where your father physically assualted you. So unfortunately you have no standard of normal. Google the sharkcage - you don't have one. I feel for you but feel more for your children as you should be building their expectations of what to expect in a partner. not hitting you isn't enough.

80 percent of people don't live like this. it is possible that 80 percent of people you know do. That isn't the same thing. I think you should look for some counselling for yourself.

Palliser Yes, thank you for your judging and no doubt well informed words. My opinion is wrong and I'm a terrible mother, you guys are all perfect. FWIW I was merely trying to say that on the face of OPs first point, it was I thought hard to say either way. Obviously if she feels it's wrong she needs to discuss with him and press him to change. Not everything is abusive, or on a downward spiral that leads to being smacked in the face, and not every lapse in standards merits divorce. Divorce is a financial, social and emotional grenade. Reason I mentioned my past is because I think there is a very clear line, and one type of behaviour does not always lead to the other. Every time I read these posts I can't help feeling that people expect their OHs to behave perfectly around the children at all times, regardless of the situation. In this case quite clearly there's a problem, yes, but slamming doors and shouting is neither criminal nor irredeemable. He needs help understanding how he's coming across, and if he accepts that feedback in the first place, you're already half way there. As I say I had a similar chat with my very loving DH about the fact that he was clearly struggling with the mental switch from work and coming home, and told him to spend five minutes by himself first, winding down, before he helps with bathtime. Dealing with small children is hard. And yes, indeed, for me counselling would be better than self harm and depression, but there we are, life is hard.

I think you need to talk to him and give him the chance to change.

If he then can't or won't it's a different matter. I wonder if he realises the impact on you or your children?

Its a lot more bloody scary to stay with someone like this and for are really your own reasons.

I asked you what you get out of this relationship now; the fact you could not answer that speaks volumes.

This is who he is and he is not going to change or will have any sort of epiphany going forward. He feels absolutely entitled to act like he does. OP here has acted as a peacemaker already, how many more years should she remain in that self assigned role?. OP and her children are walking on eggshells around this man. Is this really the model of a relationship OP, let alone her kids here, should be seeing?. No.

He does not act like this around or with people in the outside world so its all reserved for you people. Your H is very much a product here of his own abusive dysfunctional upbringing in a shouty home. He wants someone to blame (he most likely blames his mother more than his dad) and now you OP are in that position too of being blamed by him. Its always someone else's fault (in this case yours mainly) and these people never take any responsibility for their actions.

My opinion is wrong and I'm a terrible mother, you guys are all perfect.
This is the reaction of someone who's been brought up to be afraid, whenever someone disagrees with her, that they are rejecting every aspect of her as a human being.

Actually, in this case, by disagreeing with you, what people mean is that your experience of abuse has made you see it as normal, and in fact your definition of abuse (only physical) is incorrect under the law.

suppose this would be my ideal outcome but very much depends on willingness to recognise/address the issue and the individual circumstances.

OP - this is absolutely true. But, the rest of this is that you do also get a choice in that you can choose whether or not you wish to remain in a home with a man who is not willing to address his temper tantrums.

Shouting, going red in face, slamming door, banging table etc. - this is more than just "slamming a door" as referenced by @Schwesterherz. Of course most of us shout at times. I do. And feel bad about it. But I don't accompany that shouting with physical banging, slamming etc and me shouting occasionally does not lead my children to be terrified that the fist i'm using to hit the table might next hit them....

At the very least, his inability to hold his temper suggests that he is not prioritising the well being of his family. Because your DC WILL be scared of him. Please don't let this continue. He shapes up or ships out.

@Hepsibar

The children may seem fine now but believe me they will not be unscathed.

As they go through their 20's an mature, perhaps have some physical distance from the home, anger and depression may become a part of their lives as they try to process the years of living in a stressful house.

There will be consequences for staying.

I would strongly recommend that you seek advice re some family therapy, obviously not involving your husband.

I would also advise you to think of your life beyond your children being at home.

Despite them appearing fine they could have huge anger towards you and not wish to see you.

They most likely WILL cut your husband out of their lives as soon as they can.

If you stay with him, where will this leave your relationship with them.

I wish you well.
I can only imagine how difficult your life has been.

Unfortunately, you could also receive the backlash of their anger for all these years.

You deserve to find out what you can do to best preserve a relationship with your children.
Don't assume they will just move on emotionally when they move out.

It really doesn't work that way.

I was with my ex for 6years he had daily episodes of outbursts, he could go from happy to angry in secs, was forever walking on eggshells I would say the last two years we was together. The difference in our little home now he isn't here is amazing. We all feel it. I would say if he is good in other ways and u love him. Sit him down and say he needs to get help or your calling it quits. Mine was awful no help with kids, choose drink over us everywkend aswell has outbursts, wish I left sooner.

Thank you so much for all the comments and support, only just catching up. I sat down with him last night and laid it all out in as clear terms as I could. I said that I considered it to be abusive and I will take whatever steps I need to protect DC including leaving him. At the first sign of him getting defensive or making excuses I closed it down and told him there was nothing that could justify it. I could tell he knew I was right but let’s see what happens now. I’ve given him the chance. I know I shouldn’t have accepted it for as long as I have but I’m doing something now and that feels like progress. I’ve told him if there is any support he needs from me to address it then I’m here but I’m not going to lead him through it.

Well done @Flyingbird20. It sounds like you've drawn your line in the sand. I like that you've said you'll support him but that you expect him to make it happen. In our case, my work had a counselling service so I did the initial work of making sure DH was registered etc. then it was up to him.

Flyingbird

I would still have a plan in place to leave him and would leave as soon as you are able. There's no getting past what he has done to you all here. Do not make this man the hill you die on.

You do need to be ready to do what you say, in case he doesn't take action. Having a plan in place is also very reassuring; it's uncertainty that's the most worrying. If you know in advance what will happen if the worst come to the worst, then you'll feel less worried.

Well done op. It might be prudent to see a solicitor and have an exit plan, so at the first sign of trouble you know what you're going to do and where you stand.

As you've laid it out to him, you now need to follow through with any ultimatums that were given, otherwise it'll give him a green light to continue

Good for you.

Get your exit plan sorted now. Now is the easiest time for you to quietly make your plans, under no particular pressure, while he is in a calm phase.

It is not disloyal. If you don't need it you don't use it.

Well done OP.
As above....make your exit plans and have the security of knowing what the next step is.
Its highly likely that you'll need them.
👍

Well done OP.
I can't imagine how anxious your DCs would end up living with someone so angry. Believe me it lasts a life time.

If it's ok to make a suggestion....read about non-violent communication- Marshall Rosenberg. The books a bit American and the methodology works.

Well done OP. Hopefully he takes on board what you've said and makes the changes necessary.

I agree with the others, still make the exit plan in case you need it. You need to be able to follow through.

Good work. You can stay firm and follow through on your words if need be. xx

So what are you going to do when he next gets shouty?
You say this happens 3/4 times a week do you had better get a plan in place as soon as you can.
Please be careful, as he may escalate to violence if he feels his hold on you is slipping