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Original poster

Sick of being used by partners family.

34 replies

usedandabused · 05/09/2007 12:56

I am coming to the end of my tether with my DP's family and I'm scared I will snap.

They constantly use me as a babysitter. His eldest sister works full time but has not sorted out any childcare for her 10 year old twins. She just assumes everyone else will do it. The job usually falls on her mother but sometimes they will phone DP and tell him its "Our turn". If DP refuses (which he does because I tell him to!) they start calling us selfish etc. Last week his mum phoned, told us she was bringing the kids around after school and we would be looking after them from 3:30pm until 6pm. DP said no and so she said "well I'm sorry but you might have to! there is nobody else" it makes me so bloody annoyed.

Now his younger sister has had a baby and again its his mother who cares for her while she works...so she started bringing the baby (who has just started walking) around to me to look after whilst she took the other two to school! Now its EVERY morning without fail that I'm stuck looking after the baby from 8:30am until about 10am.

If I say I'm going out they say "we won't be long" and leave her anyway.

A few weeks ago we had a phone call saying we "had" to look after the older 2 all saturday. DP said no because DS1 has football practice in the morning. so 9am, the door bell goes. DP answers it and as he does so, his sister pulls off in the car leaving the older kids stood on the doorstep.

I really have had enough, I have 2 kids of my own to look after, one is only a few months old.

How would you handle this? am I in the wrong??

OP posts:
bigknickersbigknockers · 05/09/2007 13:00

they are taking the piss

Kewcumber · 05/09/2007 13:01
Shock
bigknickersbigknockers · 05/09/2007 13:05

Your DP needs to tell them its not on. If I was in your position I would try and be out of the house before the come round in the mornings, failing that I would park the car somewhere away from the house where SIL/MIL wont see it and hide upstairs with the TV/radio's off.

NAB3 · 05/09/2007 13:06

Unacceptable.
Check who is at the door before you open it.
The kdis must feel great being palmed off all the time, and on to people who are too busy to have them. (Not having a go, just stating a fact.)

pooka · 05/09/2007 13:10

That is just appalling behaviour.
The children are not your responsiblity. If your dp's mother wants to take on the childcare for her daughters' children, then fine. But no way should you be made to pick up the slack if you are unwilling/unable to do so. Bloody ridiculous.
Practically, though, am not sure what you can do apart from getting your dp to make it very clear that it isn't on or to move!

TellusMater · 05/09/2007 13:10

I would be tempted to drive to the mother or father's place of work, take in the children and drop them off.

TellusMater · 05/09/2007 13:11

In fact, I think I would do that, if a final firm refusal was ignored.

pooka · 05/09/2007 13:11

Poor kids though
Think it'd be awful for them to feel unwanted, when what is really unwanted is the assumption that it's OK to dump on usedandabused.

MrsMarvel · 05/09/2007 13:17

How would I handle this? I have been in a very slightly similar situation when a friend did this but she was fairly polite and always gave warning.

You need to take control here, and tell her straight that you can't look after the children unless you make a formal arrangement.

Offer to take hers once a week if she can take yours once a week perhaps. I feel sorry for the children and a weekly routine will make them feel happier about it too. (Yours and hers).

LazyLinePainterJane · 05/09/2007 13:18

You need to be more than blunt. Stop answering the phone, stop answering the door. If they say that they are coming round, go out!

Some people need telling the hard way.

HorseyWoman · 05/09/2007 13:23

OMFG. That is outrageous. What if you hadn't been in!? She'd have presumably left the kids there since she was pulling off as you opened the door.

These 'parents' are being neglectful and disrespectful (to you).

Take away all spare keys and let the phone go to voicemail. If, by chance, she manages to get through to you, point blank refuse and then say goodbye. Before answering the door, look through the window to see who it is, and if it is them then don't answer.

Original poster
usedandabused · 05/09/2007 13:24

the most annoying bit about it is that all of them refuse to have ours! me and DP NEVER go out but a few weekends ago we decided it would be nice to go to the cinema so we asked his mum if she would mind watching the kids for a few hours and she said "no, I have enough looking after the others all week, I want a rest!" .

I do feel sorry for the kids because they know they're not wanted. They hear all the arguining that is about them and when they get here I'm afraid I'm usually too annoyed to hide it and DP certainly doesnt hide his annoyance.

The thing is they're not even easy to look after, they scream and shout constantly (remember I have a newborn baby here), the run around the house breaking stuff, make a huge mess...no respect for anything.

OP posts:
maisemor · 05/09/2007 13:31

They can't possibly be for real!!?? Sorry but it is not often you hear of such shocking behaviour.

If they do the leave the children on doorstep and run incident again your choices would be to

  1. Welcome the children inside. Tell them to wait whilst you get ready. Take them to your car, drive off to their parents work place and hand them back. You could always give a note for the twins to give to their parents, explaining that "no" means "no".

  2. Welcome the children inside. Tell them to wait whilst you get ready. Spend the day with them, and just not be home when their parents are due to collect them. Treat them as your own. Because I assume that their parents don't want them.

Either you and your husband keep letting them do this to you, or you call a family meeting and point out who had what children and what kind of responsibility follows when one has children. Feel free to use charts it tends to keep people interested when there is something to look at. Also provide some healthy snacks to keep their energy levels up.

HorseyWoman · 05/09/2007 13:33

You have a NEWBORN BABY? That is even more ridiculous. Selfish twats. Grrrr.

HorseyWoman · 05/09/2007 13:35

Sorry to crash slightly here, but maisemor, can I just say what an uber talented lady you are! That laptop cake is amazing!

Blu · 05/09/2007 13:35

Well, given that your MIL is even more dumped on thatn you, i can understand that she didn't want to add to her childcare comitents - unfair though that is on you! It is your SILs and BILs that should be reciprocating.

What about having a family meeting about this? Have them all over for a beer, sit round the kitchen table and say 'ok - lets go through everyone's childcare needs, see where we can help each other out, and where we can't' - and specify that you will do a little childcare, BUT that it will be in return for some. And say the present system isn't working for you because you feel you don't get any in return and because your convenience is never considered, BUT you dpn't want there to be any family rowing. Be direct but good natured. Invite your MIL too. It is outrageous for someone to take f/t job and expect everyone else to undertake free childcare without even being asked!

Kewcumber · 05/09/2007 13:35

Put your foot down with a firm stamp. Tell them from now on they will earn babysitting points everytime they have your that they can swap with you, otherwise you will not answer the phone/door to them.

MrsMarvel · 05/09/2007 13:38

To reject the whole family and ignore them will probably just build up huge resentment all round. But you've got to do something.

I do feel sorry for the children, which is why I would try to arrange once a week only. That way you're not rejecting the children and you are being assertive.

If they have emergencies they can find someone else to sort them out. Which of course they probably won't as actually they don't need anyone else, there are two of them fgs.

Baffy · 05/09/2007 13:42

Agree with Blu's advice

Shocking behaviour from all of them

MyTwopenceworth · 05/09/2007 14:53

Don't answer the phone, don't answer the door and tell them that if they drop the kids off EVER, after you have said no, you will phone social services and say they have been abandoned on your doorstep and arrange for them to be taken into care.

MrsMarvel · 05/09/2007 14:59

Agree with Blu too. Get the family together if you can.

Wisteria · 05/09/2007 15:06

Totally agree with Blu and would add that during this meeting produce some local childcare/ childminders numbers, explain that childcare costs do get refunded to a certain extent by WFTC (unless they earn a packet) and that as you are not a registered cm and have just had a nb baby you do not feel that at present you have the energy to deal with other children as it is not fair to them.

What a horrible situation for you, and how selfish of them, you have my sympathy.

Alternatively, register as a childminder and get paid for it - you'd have an excellent excuse for not having them then as you'd more than likely be full quite quickly and so it would be illegal!

MyTwopenceworth · 05/09/2007 15:15

Cor..you lot are loads nicer than me! I'd have rigged the doorbell to chime 'Piss Off Piss Off' by now.

StealthPolarBear · 05/09/2007 15:23

PMSL

maisemor · 05/09/2007 15:34

Why danke HorseyWoman

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