Are all husbands this annoying?

[albatrossfeather]

I've been married 13 years, my OH seems to be getting increasingly negative as the years have gone on. Nothing seems to interest/ excite him. He works long hours in what he says is a stressful job. He constantly tells me how hard it is but to be honest it doesn't sound that hard, and its not like he deals with life and death every day, he's just a manager in a manufacturing plant. I've even given up asking how his day went because he never says anything other than it was awful.
I wouldn't mind so much but he refuses to do anything about it, he wont look for another job and when I've discussed how to beat stress with him he just says nothing works for him, but he wont try anything, he just automatically knows that nothing will work!!! , which leads me to not be very sympathetic with him, which he than says I obviously don't care. Aaarrgh it's so annoying. It's like he likes being miserable so he doesn't want to find a solution and I find it so draining that I dread him coming home from work as it's like having a grey cloud walk into the room.
Are all husbands like this as they get older? (mine is approaching 50), he didn't used to be this bad, although he was always a glass half empty person. I find myself looking at other couples wondering what it would be like to be married to someone who actually makes the most out of life.

He sounds like he could be depressed OP - has he suffered with depression in the past? 'Glass half empty' people do sometimes suffer with un-diagnosed depression and as he's unwilling to get help it would naturally be un-diagnosed! Firstly, I'd read up a bit on depression and then try to discuss it with him and don't let him tell you that nothing will help - there are medications and therapies that most definitely DO help. The one thing that definitely won't help is doing nothing. Have you told him how his moods impact on you and your marriage?

Yeah, depression keeps coming up in conversations but he's totally adamant he isn't. He did go on antidepressants once, about 8 years ago after talking to a doctor about stress, he took them for 3 days, said they made him feel funny and that was that. I have tried not letting him tell me that nothing will help but that why it's so annoying, because he is a very strong character and either refuses to listen or we argue, which is horrible as I just want a happy peaceful life so I end up saying to myself that he'll just have to get on with it then. I have told him about the impact it has on me and he just says that that's what I'm here for.

No most husbands are far more annoying!

@Hepsibar Thanks for that, made me chuckle. I'm sure there are some worse than mine. Some people have real problems, that's what I would like him to realise.

Have you tried not offering any solutions, and just making sympathetic noises? Sometimes people don't want advice, just sympathy.
Could you also change your routine so that e.g. you are out when he arrives, or in the kitchen with loud music on, tea and biscuits? Arrange it so that when you first see each other in the evening, you don't automatically start the moaning routine but do something more cheerful, to distract him?
Maybe you could start going jogging or for a walk at exactly the time he comes home, and see if you can get him to go too.

Mine is, sadly. He could drain the joy out or any situation with his constant negativity. Offering solutions to his moans only gets met with more negativity, so I now leave him to it. Perfectly normal in our house, unfortunately.

@ravenmum Hmm, yes that's a good idea. My mum has said to me before that I won't be able to solve everyone's problems and he has to realise it himself, I think I can do sympathetic noises. He does seem to perk up a bit after a few weeks of these moods - perhaps its got something to do with the cycle of the moon or something.
Like the loud music suggestion - drown out the moaning with loud happy music.

I’m single so can’t comment personally but I’ve heard it said that men seem to turn into Victor Meldrew when they get to middle age!

A lot of men lose their zest for life in their mid 40’s onwards. Particularly if they were already glass half empty types. I think it’s their declining testosterone and feeling like life is dull and mundane and all they do is work and look after kids/parents etc when that’s actually something they were never actually that arsed about in the first place. I think women adapt more in life and realise that not everything will always stay the same. For men they want things to stay the same as when they were younger but it doesn’t work like that.

he's just a manager in a manufacturing plant

My DH had a somewhat similar job, it really was massively stressful mainly because of internal politics. Regardless of what you think though, if it's stressing him then it is stressful.
DH ended up with a heart condition, downshifting and then retiring early - I wish he'd done 2&3 sooner instead of going through 1. Still, much better now he's away from it.

@Hepsibar lol

He constantly tells me how hard it is but to be honest it doesn't sound that hard, and its not like he deals with life and death every day.

I think this is a bit mean- he's telling you he's stressed and you don't think he is, or you think he shouldn't be. I get you're frustrated with him but maybe he's pissed off because he knows you don't believe him.

He's not happy- which would concern me greatly if it were my DH. Maybe you should go to couples counselling, then at least you can both get your thoughts out and someone may be able to help you.

It might also be that he's realised this is it; the pinnacle of his career. When you're younger you can imagine that even if your job now is boring or stressful, you'll probably get another job or be promoted. When you're hitting 50 and see the younger people around you moving up, and realise that people now see you as the old guy who's only got a few years in him before retirement so is not worth employing/promoting, that new persona/status can be quite disheartening.

I think his jobs sounds really stressful tbh. Even just the health and safety of managing a manufacturing plant would give me sleepless nights.

I'd be constantly worrying that I was a shit manager and everyone knew it

I don't think it matters what you're doing managing People and especially shift work is so stressful. Whether you're a doctor or in a factory trying to manage relationships and rotas and politics is horrific without the compliance and health and safety and actual day job (at which point I acknowledge the difference between a doctor and working in a shop is HUGE) so I'd cut him some slack. I'd also say my pet peeve is people constantly trying to fix my problem- let me wallow please. I'm up all night and I want a moan, not links to weaning and sleep training and everything. I'm not ready.

He sounds like many a middle aged man to me! He has been working in the same old job for a long time and its getting him down! Do you work as well ? Maybe he could look for a change of direction /setting up a business on his own? There is little worse than being stuck in a job you hate 9 to 5 !

Thanks everyone, some good viewpoints.
And yes, I am perhaps being mean about saying his job isn't that stressful. I agree, if he says he's stressed, then he's stressed. But why wont he do something about it and accept help. I was in a similar situation to him a few years ago for different reasons, not work related and I started Yoga which helped in so many ways, physically and mentally. I suggested it to him and he said it was all mumbo jumbo.
@ravenmum He doesn't worry about being shit - he knows he is good at his job.

Maybe suggest something more rugged and manly, like marathons or weightlifting? Something involving sweat and pain?
And perhaps suggest that he's stressed because he is so conscientious and hard-working, and his boss should appreciate him more? :)

What, that's what you're there for - to be his emotional whipping boy?

Err no. You're not.

Do you know, I bet you would have a right old eye opener if you were a fly on the wall at his workplace. I'd bet a decent amount that when he's at work, he's normal, friendly, upbeat... basically a normal emotionally 'respectful' person. Saves the shit and the moods and the metaphorical good old kicking for YOU.

Fine, yes, we open up to our partners etc. etc. But if he insists he's not depressed and won't listen to you telling him loud and clear that this isn't ok as a status quo, then there is an end point. Because you matter too. Your feelings matter. You deserve that same emotional respect. He either opens up about what is making him so horrible to live with or he accepts that it's not ok to constantly be horrible to live with.

The end point is leaving him, of course. At approaching 50, maybe you're not the captive audience you once were - children, mortgage, how are you fixed?

I suggest you mention the D word and see whether that's enough of a shock to make him realise he's all spent out of your goodwill.

Your problem-solving is probably coming across to him as criticism (and if you find my saying that annoying, there’s a good example right here ;) ).

A different approach would be to offer some sympathy, then change the subject to something positive or at least neutral. Give him a hug, tell him you’re sorry he’s had a tough day, and then say “shall we have have pie or lasagne for dinner” or “would you like a cuppa?” or “fancy going to the pub?”

I’m in no way a relationship expert! But I have experienced a cycle with my mother, where I express unhappiness about something, she says “well you should do this, that and the other”, we get into a long discussion that leaves us both feeling worse and me feeling defensive. What I actually wanted was a hug and possibly a glass of wine! We recognise it now and are getting better.

My partner is great about this and goes for the hug first, then asks if I want to talk about it or shall we put something silly in tv.

I had a friend who constantly had 'problems', her life was always stressful.
I realised that she didn't want to change anything, she just liked complaining. Strangely she never liked meeting up with another mutual friend because she said mutual friend was so negative.
I soon learned to make sympathetic noises without offering advice.
Older men do get grumpy though. My dh is like Victor Meldrew some days. I just tease him or ignore him.

Any job can be stressful.My last job was in a cafe and it was stress free, until some changes were made and it became hugely stressful and depression-inducing and I had to quit.
But lots of people lose their zest at various points in their life too.

Do you have a stressful job? Is that why his complaints get to you?

I doubt he's getting much in the way of daylight in his job - and that affects people similarly even before you consider a vitamin d deficiency could be influencing his mood, never mind any aches and pains that could be due to ageing, vitamin deficiency or an inflammatory condition (they're now known to depress mood as part of the inflammation, not just as a result of the pain or stiffness).

Add to that years of dealing with idiots, particularly ones who seem as hellbent upon self immolation on expensive and extremely deadly equipment as a flock of sheep, noise, management, pay and the future of the business as a whole and I'm surprised more aren't constantly pissed off with the universe.